The Musings of Carrie Blogshaw: Sex and the Sh*tty

Brazilian Road Map

2012-01-22T21:46:00.002-05:00

As I lay on the paper-covered table with my panties off and my legs in the air, I was struck by the relationship that I have formed with the girl who waxes my bikini line. The relationship I have with my aesthetician has outlasted any relationship I've ever had with a man. Being between relationships, I quickly came to realize that this girl knows my vagina better than anyone. As she stood over me with her head in my crotch, covering me with hot wax and telling me to brace myself because she was "going in", I was able to see that she and I have one of the closest relationships I've ever had. What a job.
She knows me better than I know myself. In fact, she knows me so well she could probably Google Map my vagina. In the absence of a proper boyfriend, she was spending more time with my prized pleasure center than anyone - myself included!
I dedicate this post to my long-suffering aesthetician (come on - even though I had laser hair removal, I'm still half Italian...) who always sticks her head in my crotch with enthusiasm, dedication and pluck. Ouch!

Today's Funny

2012-01-08T18:03:00.001-05:00

Hot on the heels of ‘Shit Girls Say’ comes Shit Single Girls Say!

It’s silly. It’s funny. It’s the truth about being single.

Guest Post: How To Get What You Want From Online Dating

2011-12-18T19:26:00.002-05:00

Yay! Since I cannot figure it out for myself, I have turned to the experts from DatingSite.org. Read on for their amazingly accurate advice:

If there is something in this world that you want, you should go after it, right? Making a list of your goals and desires, and then finding a way to achieve them is a strong way to go about getting what you want. The trick is you have to be specific. The more specific you are in terms of what you want in life, the greater the chances are of you achieving those goals. This is a great way to determine what you want in most aspects of your life, including using a dating site.

You have to know what you want in a mate. What type of person are you looking for? It is often suggested to make a list of attributes and qualities you would like your significant other to possess. This goes far beyond physical characteristics. This list should include interests, goals, morals and values, and basically the things that might make your dream person tick. There are so many dating sites out there, and before you even begin to look for your perfect date, you may want to concentrate on finding the right dating site.

Each dating site has something unique to offer. If you know what it is you are looking for; if you are clear and specific in your wants, needs and desires, choosing the right dating site should be easy. Do a search and see what type of people are on the site. If the site caters to people that are not in your interest group, then move on to the next one. Once you see the type of people each individual site attracts, then you can determine if it’s the right site for you.

As important as it is to be specific with what you want, you also don’t want to be too picky. This may sound like a contradiction, but the fact is that sometimes we set our standards so high, no one could possibly live up to them. There is no such thing as a perfect person. If you meet someone who has six of the ten attributes you put on your “must have” list, I’d say you are doing very well. Be flexible and adaptable when meeting new people. If you hit it off right away, there may be potential for something long-term to develop. If you’re not looking for anything long-term, and simply want to meet and date a variety of people, you should definitely be up- front about your intentions. Communication is key, so let your date know what it is you were hoping to find when you went on the dating website in the first place.

Know what you want. Know what you’re looking for. Be specific and be patient. And have the faith to know that it will come to you in time if you put specific thought into getting what you want.

About the Author: Debbie Lamedman is an avid dating blogger. She frequently writes about dating for Dating Site.org. She is highly sought after by friends and bloggers for relationship advice.

Thank you, Debbie The Dating Doyenne!

Today's Funny

2011-12-15T08:13:00.001-05:00

I implore you to watch the newest and greatest (click on title for video) from Juliette Lewis.

Because it’s silly. Because it’s hilarious. Because it’s true!

Review: Sliquid Silk (My New Favourite Thing)

2011-12-11T19:37:00.002-05:00

Mmm Hmm! I am very pleased (and boy, was I ever pleased) to write my first sex toy review!

I was very generously awarded with Sliquid Silk, a sexy tube of lube from my friends at EdenFantasys. Having just started a new relationship, it took a while for me to get the chance to actually use it, but now that I did, I’ll never go back.

Sliquid Silk is pure sexual luxury in a bottle. This personal lubricant offers up a whole new set of sensations for both you and your partner (or for your own solo escapades). It has that “Je ne c’est quois” that other lubes just don’t have. You and your partner will look at each other wondering “How did they do that?” As the name implies, it miraculously feels like liquid silk and you will find yourself repeatedly grabbing the bottle to use more. Additionally, it is completely tolerable when it finds it way into your mouth and most importantly, it leaves no aftertaste. Sliquid Silk is an easy, inexpensive way to change things up in the bedroom and is a great way to surprise your partner.

I am very pleased to have formed a relationship not only with my luxurious new lube, but also with EdenFantasys. I encourage you, my randy readers, to check out their website and all of the fun, flirty fabulousness that is for sale. Offering online shopping (for those of you who like to protect your privacy) and great deals, there’s still time to hook yourseves up for the holidays!

How Many Women Does It Take To Date One Man?

2011-11-27T21:44:00.002-05:00

No, there is no punchline, because this is not a joke!

If the guy I'm currently dating only knew how many women he's actually dating, he'd be quite the self-imagined stud. I admit that the current state of our 'relationship' is confusing. I admit that I played a part due to a lack of communication and initation. Now, I am left wondering where we're at. Still, I am wondering if it's even crossed his mind.

So, who is he dating? Well, besides me, he is dating my best mates (both married and single, gay and straight), my mother, my brother, my aunt and even one of my neighbours. If that isn't enough, he'd probably be surprised to know that he's also having a relationship with my therapist, my reiki master, my physician and my boss. Who is he not having a relationship with? Me!

Any thoughts, people?! Yeesh...

Master Of My (Dating) Domain

2011-11-20T20:25:00.002-05:00

At this point in my life, I can safely say that I am the master of many of the domains of which I am in charge. I am the master of my home. I am the master of my career. I am the master of masturbation. What am I not the master of? My dating life.

For women such as myself, why do we allow this? We take charge to get what we want. When we want it. We won't take no for an answer. Why, then, do we allow our precious dating lives to rest in the hands of men? Why do we give them the power?

Let's face it: Most men initiate dating and that is great. Most men initiate sex and that is great, too. While men initiate dating (phew!), most men do not initiate taking a relationship to the next level. Or the level after that. Of the women I know who are in relationships, all of them have to had initiate the excruciating 'exclusivity' talk. Once that has been established, it typically rests on the woman to initiate the 'are we boyfriend/girlfriend?' talk. Why, god, why?!

Men: It seems as though you want to date women. It certainly seems that you want to have sex. Some of you seem to want to have sex with one woman exclusively. Why, why, why doesn't it occur to you to make it a sure thing? Once asked, many guys seem to think it's a great idea.

Women: What are the rules around this? Are we supposed to initiate the dreaded discussions?? Do we continue to hold out hopefully and wait for our men to start these super-important sermons???

As Millionaire Matchmaker Patti Stanger insists, women should never 'give it up' before having the exclusivity chat. Is it even possible in this day and age? Will men stick around that long or will they give up and escort elsewhere?! Men have no problems picking their favourite beer and having long relationships with it. They typically have to be torn away from their Playstation or Xbox consoles.. They have no problem picking their favourite pornos and developing disgustingly devoted relationships with that...!

Guest Post: What Men Aren't Looking For

2011-11-06T18:09:00.005-05:00

This week, I am pleased to announce that we have a special guest post from online dating expert, Elizabeth of WeLoveDates.com. Though I've been around the block a few times, I do not have the sage and sound advice of this dating doyenne. Read below for her amazing and advantageous advice:

We Love Dates is an online dating website & dating advice blog for singles in the UK, Ireland, US, Canada, South Africa & Australia. Liz blogs (and vlogs!) daily about all things online dating, love, sex and relationships

What Men Aren't Looking For
There are articles among articles about what Men are looking for, how to be the kind of girl he wants, how to make him fall for you, yadda yadda...but what about the things that drive him away faster than you can say “commitment”? I like to think that We Love Dates has taught me a few things about men (here's hoping), so here are a few things Mr. Right is NOT looking for.

Looks, but no brains. Initially, men are attracted to physical qualities of a woman-it's biology. But while your looks might be enough for him to approach you, it's not enough for him to stick around. Contrary to popular belief, men want more than just a pretty face or arm candy. They want to be able to actually talk to the girl they're dating...novel idea, right?

A Cage. One of the main reasons why so many men are notorious commitment phobes is because they associate being in a relationship with being trapped in a cage and the end of all their “fun.” Good-bye drunken afternoons spent watching the game with the guys, hello Saturdays at the mall holding her purse. When you force a man to change his life, he feels trapped-sooner or later he'll resent you for it, and run for the hills.

Marriage and babies...at FIRST, at least. There are women who have one thing on their mind-a sparkly diamond ring and a bun in the oven. Ok, that's two things. These women are husband hunters, and a man can smell the desperation from a mile away. Some women start talking about getting married on the third date...and then they wonder why he never calls again. Guys want to let nature take it's course and would rather wait a bit longer to be certain it's right than jump into anything. Plus, he wants to know if you genuinely want him, or if you just want someone.

Another Mom. When you start nagging...telling him what to do...being all around needy and questioning his every move, he will begin to associate you with momma. And there's nothing sexy about being in the same category as the woman who birthed him. Awkward...

Sex Type Thing

2011-10-30T18:57:00.002-04:00

Ahhh, new sex...

Well, maybe it's not always Ahhh, maybe it's more like Uhhh... New sex is great - it's different and exciting. However, that is also what can make it anxiety-inducing and stressful. Having had new sex recently (yes!), I can attest to this. After many makeouts, I was so ready to get it on. The new guy, as yet unnamed, is smart, funny and extremely sexy. I was ready. Well, as ready as I could be, less the new nookie nerves.

What was so anxiety inducing for me? Sex is sex, right? Wrong. There are aspects of sex that are standard, however there are some that aren't. Having had fabulous foreplay previously, I knew it was a sure thing, but I didn't know how it would play out. Would we be so worried that it would effect our erotic expression? Would I be so tense that I would inadvertently (and unfortunately) deny him entry and bust the mood?? Would it be a jumbled mess of uncoordinated limbs in all the wrong places???

That is what was going on in my head at the time. What was going on in his head? Well, truth be told, both heads probably reside in the same place at that point, right?!

This nookie rookie is pleased to report that all went well. Particularly, the second time around. Practice makes purrfect!

Review & Giveaway: The American Heiress by Daisy Goodwin

2011-10-23T19:38:00.004-04:00

This month's review and giveaway is of The American Heiress, the debut novel of British author Daisy Goodwin. Goodwin, the daughter of a film producer and writer/interior designer and sister of a writer, comes by her craft honestly. The amount of research performed to enrich the historic storyline is impressive and she writes about British aristocracy expertly.

The story revolves around American heiress Cora Cash. Miss Cash is young, vibrant and charming. And very, very rich. When Cora comes of age, her overbearing mother takes her overseas to find a rich husband of title. Yes, this is how the wealthy dated in the late 1800's. Why did we ever change this practice?!

During her travels, Cora is rescued by a tall, dark and handsome man. Who happens to be a Duke. After a quick courtship, Cora becomes an American heiress of British title. An aristocrat. An aristoCash! Isn't life grand? Perhaps not, as she grapples to deal with her devious mother in law, the notorious 'Double Duchess' (known as such, as she managed to score not one but two husbands of title in her time). Will she relinquish her hold over the manor for the dazzling new duchess? Will the Duke's former lover, the gorgeous yet guileful Charlotte Beauchamp, walk away with grace or give Cora a run for her money?? Will the trappings of British formality and custom be too much for Cora to contend with???

This book is a total page-turner. The storyline is incredibly compelling. Goodwin sets the tone and leaves no detail amiss when delicately describing the particulars of daily life towards the turn of the 20th century. Drama, deception, romance and heart-wrenching heartbreak - this tantalizing tome has it all and is the perfect book to curl up in front of the fire with this winter.

The giveaway: For a chance to win a hardcover copy of this book, please visit my new website at www.carrieblogshaw.com

Seriously Seeking Mr. Darcy

2011-10-16T20:31:00.003-04:00

Over the past few months, I have been unsure regarding what lies out there for me in the realm of romance. I have wondered if I will stay single, go on to meet Mr. Right, or go on to meet Mr. MaybeThisIsn'tRightButItsWhatsOutThereForMe. Right.

Today, I was stirred and surprised to find that the local womens television network was showing Bridget Jones's Diary. Again. This was great, because I'd only seen it 127 times and hadn't memorized all the lines yet. Now, I have. This movie has always tugged at my heartstrings. By that, I mean that I am in floods of tears by the end of the film, desperately longing to find a lover like Mark Darcy. How fabulous would it be to be with a man who will buy you a new journal so that you can record new, happy events from the start of your relationship? Who would give up a pricey post in a new city to remain with you in yours?? Who would look at you lovingly while you whip up a disgusting dinner of blue string soup and congealed green gunge???

My hope has been renewed that maybe, someday, I will go on to find my Mark Darcy. Who will find my antics amusing. Who will love my wobbly bits. Who will wrap me up in his overcoat as I run to him (sporting seasonally inapropriate attire) after a major misunderstanding in a busy, snowy street.

Daniel Cleaver? Been there, done that. Mark Darcy? Don't mind if I do!

Let's Get Physical

2011-10-10T11:17:00.003-04:00

Ahhh, the physical pain that acts as a rude reminder of how long it's been since you got some...

After a particularly arousing makeout session with the current dreamy guy, I woke up the next day with aches and pains all over. Where were these aches and pains, you wonder? Well, my arms and shoulders were sore (from supporting myself from not falling into him, which might not have been so bad...), I had a crick in my neck from where we fell asleep with our heads together (awww...) and I had tremendous inner thigh pain (from squeezing his sexy bod between my legs). It was stimulating. It was exciting. It brought me out of my sexual coma. Yes!

Trainers say that the best way to beat muscle aches and pains is to continue the exercise. Done. And let me say - the pain is good!

Decisions, Decisions...

2011-10-02T22:13:00.006-04:00

I have no choice other than to quote The Lovin Spoonful:

"Did you ever have to make up your mind? And say yes to one and let the other one ride. Did you ever have to make up your mind? You pick up on one and leave the other one behind. Did you ever have to finally decide?"

So, this is where I'm at. After being back on the scene a short while, I have met a guy who's definitely dreamy. We have gone on a few dates, so it's still early days, but I am interested to see what will happen. Sounds great, right?! Are you thinking there must be a catch? Well, of course there is. I had noticed that another suitor was becoming increasingly interested. When out the other night, he revealed his crazy crush. This crushed me. Why now? Where was he one month ago, before I'd met the other guy? Where had he been 4 years ago when he had the chance? Both guys have great qualities and are fun to hang out with. Why are they here at once? Where were they during the many months of solitary singledom I had to endure over the past few years?? Why am I so confused???

Being that it's early days, anything could happen that might cause one to be the front-runner over the other. One could drop out of the race (how gay would he be?!). One could reveal baggage that might send me running for the hills. One could reveal his psycho side and send me running for the pills...

I know that multiple dating is a common occurrance. I think it's great that people can juggle many suitors. I, however, prefer to focus on one person. What if dating gets more and more serious? I don't like the thought of kissing more than one guy at a time. I don't like the thought of having to learn the life stories of more than one person at a time. What if I end up confusing Dude 1's stories with Dude 2's?! I'm not sure how far people are taking multiple dating these days, but I would certainly not be able to sleep with 2 dudes at once. Well, you know what I mean. Ew.

Is this my fault? During my unpleasant period of unemployment this summer, I asked the universe for abundance. Um, universe, I meant in terms of career options! Abundance, as it relates to sexy single men, is fine with me. However, I like it to be sequential or successive, not prompt and plentiful!

Dating Etiquette 102

2011-09-25T20:50:00.002-04:00

Now that I am fully back in the dating game, I feel it is time to publish another set of rules as they apply to dating. In my previous post, Dating Etiquette 101, I addressed many of the major offences that I was experiencing. Now, I am pointing out the strange new methods that men are trying to use. Dudes, please take note of the following and try to correct your bad behaviour:

Online Dating Tips for Men (Take Two):

* When introducing yourself, please refrain from using opening lines such as "Whoa...", "Ho-LY" or "Hot Stuff!" A much more effective and less offensive introduction might be: "Hello, How are you", "Hi, Are you having a nice evening?" or "Good Evening, I would like to let you know that I am a normal, mature, confident and emotionally available man..."

* After introducing yourself, please do not offer to kiss the inside of my thighs. Yes, this happened a couple of weeks ago. Do I want my thighs kissed? Yes. Do you want to kiss them? Obviously. The only body part that will result in being kissed by this kind of come-on will be my ass.

* One of my sexy singleton pals helped me to figure out why some men don't use a profile picture, but then contact you and send you 'backstage' photos. Why is this? Because they are married. Again, as addressed in the previous post, if you are married, you should NOT be on a dating website. Not to despair, however, as Ashley Madison exists exclusively for you. Their tagline is: "Life is short. Have an affair." Go for it, you miserable marrieds!

* Once dating has begun, let's try not to rely on texting as the main method of communication. I'm not saying that we need to be on the phone all the time - communication can be mixed up through phone calls, texts and emails. Texts only? Snippets and emoticons can only express so much and leave much to be decoded. Try talking - I swear, it works.

* If you look like a serial killer in your profile picture, and/if you actually are a serial killer, please don't contact me. I am done with psycho killers!

The Luck Of The Irish

2011-09-18T09:17:00.004-04:00

Oh yes, Liam was a lucky man last night...
Out for drinks and dancing with the girls at an Irish bar, I was hit on by Liam, a carousing, cartoonish character who must have woken up this morning with one hell of a hurting hangover!
Liam is not my type. I am not into old guys. I am not into drunk guys. I am not into having the same introductory conversation over and over again because someone is so loaded that they can't remember what you just said...
Once my late mates arrived, I was able to extricate myself from Liam's lecherous presence. He did a jig over to our table a couple of times, asking if he could buy us drinks. The answer? No, thanks! I knew that if we allowed him to buy a round, we wouldn't be able to get rid of him.
The mistake I made that evening? When he asked for my phone number, I blanked and, not knowing how to tactfully decline, I timidly divulged my digits. Why? Because I am a wimp. How do you politely deny giving someone your phone number? I've never been good at that. I feel badly for them. I'm too empathetic. However, it is pathetic to not be able to stand up for oneself and say the right thing. So, what is the right thing to say? Are we to lie ("Sorry, I have a boyfriend.", "Oh, I'm due back at the mental institution first thing tomorrow morning.." or "Unfortunately, I flushed my phone down the toilet earlier...")? Are we to give the wrong phone number (or, the right number to someone who has wronged us in the past?!)? Sounds like bad karma to me...
Lucky Liam sure found the pot of gold. I'll let you know how our drunken date goes. Cheers!

What Guys Really Think: 10 Traits That Make Him Cringe

2011-09-04T20:24:00.002-04:00

Are they or aren't they? Picky, that is. Mostly, men seem to be thought of as being far less choosy than their female counterparts, however new research suggests that dudes really do care more than we think. According to relationship researcher Jane Hoskyn, there are 10 traits that turn men off. Take note of the following success saboteurs:
1. Wearing Too Much Makeup - One of the reasons that I am not currently a lesbian (having given it much thought recently) is that I cannot picture myself making out with someone who's wearing makeup. A little bit of lip gloss and eyeshadow? Fabulous. A smokey eye, thick mascara, buckets of blush and lashings of lippy? Forget it.
2. Playing Hard To Get - Playing coy? Cute. Playing as hard to capture as a slipper koi fish? So common and cliche.
3. Being On A Diet - Being fit and fabulous? Sexy. Being fragile, feeble and faint? Not so spicy.
4. Curvalicious Clothes - Got a bangin' bod? Wear clothes that flatter your figure and make him want to see more of your curves. Got a barely clad butt? Wear trainers so that you can chase him as he runs away.
5. Being One Of The Boys - Burping, farting and football? No, no and no.
6. Inflated Boobs - Big, small, pushed up, pressed down, round, oblong or zeppelin-like? No problem. Got ghoulish, ghastly globes? Not interested.
7. Fake Tan - Have you seen Jersey Shore? 'Nuff said.
8. Shyness - Confidence is the new cute. Arrogance is the new cue to leave.
9. Being An Anti-Career Girl - Got a great job? Your enthusiasm will be infectious. Got a horrible job you hate? Your lack of enthusiasm will be like an infectious disease.
10. Letting Him Do All The Talking - What makes you interesting? Your fabulous job, friends, family and joie de vivre. What makes him interesting? The fact that he's chosen you!

Mojo Risin'

2011-08-28T20:25:00.003-04:00

That’s right!
I guess that first kiss has woken my sex drive from a temporary slumber. In the months after my most recent breakup, I had not experienced much sexual desire. I just wasn’t interested. In fact, for quite a long time, I was disgusted by men. All men. I did start to wonder about this, but wasn’t too concerned, as it seemed a fitting feeling. Who (well, besides a man…) would feel like getting it on after a massive heartbreak?
After my last makeout session, I have been feeling quite differently. I feel sexual again. I feel sexy. I feel desire! Experiencing a sexual breakthrough is quite something. I am going to do everything I can to make the most of my sexual renaissance. I will make out with every willing partner that I am attracted to. I will enjoy the tingles and warm flushes when they strike. I will masturbate like a jail bird. Like a lurking perv.. Like a teenage boy who just discovered his first sexual fixation – just like I used to not so long ago…
Am I looking to hook up with the first attractive man who makes the grade? Um, no. Am I looking? Oh, yes!

First Kiss

2011-08-21T20:54:00.001-04:00

Ahh, the first kiss. Well, not that first kiss, I mean the first kiss after a breakup. Ahh, that first kiss!
In the past few months, I’ve had dates, dirty dances and furious flirtations with some pretty interesting guys. But it was only last week that I worked up to that first kiss. It was a hot, steamy night at a private party in Cosmopolitan City. Who showed up? A former colleague with whom I had sparked in the past. This was not our first makeout session (we had given coworkers an eyeful a few years ago at a private party…). We had always flirted and there had always been an attraction. After spending some time catching up, we took the time to reminisce about that last makeout session. Before I knew it, we were at it again. It was hot. It was passionate. It came at just the right time.
Over the past few months, I had lost my mojo. I wasn’t terribly concerned, as it seemed relevant to the situation at hand. I have wondered, more recently, when I was going to get my mojo back. I typically have a high sex drive and was surprised at how long I was able to function with no feeling between my belly button and my knees. Recently, that ‘no entry’ zone of mine has become more of an ‘enter with caution’ zone. Pretty soon, if I get going enough, that ‘enter with caution’ zone might become a ‘no exit’ zone!

Review & Giveaway: Twang: A Novel by John Schlimm

2011-08-14T20:45:00.010-04:00

It’s time for another book review and giveaway, y’all!
Twang: A Novel is written by John Schlimm, a former country music publicist. Schlimm has drawn upon his experience to pen this provocative publication.

The story weaves together the intriguing lives of fictional country music superstars in a Nashville that is nastier and naughtier than one might expect. The character that ties the lives together is Billie Blotter, a famous columnist for Country Crooners Magazine. He has earned the trust of Nashville’s elite, but is he about to turn that trust into the biggest tabloid take of the century?
The central storyline revolves around the Field Sisters, two of country music’s biggest superstars. Older sister Salome is totally over the top and the diva of the pairing. Younger sibling Willa, the true musical talent with a velvet voice, begrudgingly participates in Salome’s desperate need to remain at the top of the charts. The duo perform outrageous shows for their faithful followers, the Field Hands, that are often followed by legendary fights. On top of raging sibling rivalry, Salome has a salacious secret that, if leaked, could separate the sisters forever.
In Hollywood (or, Hollywacked, as Salome says), we learn the tawdry truth about Ashley Field, mega movie star and son of Salome. Between box office sizzles (and, lately, fizzles), partying at premieres and frequent fornication (with only the hottest models and actresses), can Ashley manage to maintain his image or will he fall victim to his lascivious lifestyle?
Back in Nashville, Hope Tanner and Thad Evans are the hottest country music couple since Tim and Faith or Blake and Miranda. Hope plans to make an announcement sure to shock everyone. Will Thad, recently distracted and totally tempermental, eclipse Hope’s hype with a rocking revelation of his own?
Amidst all of the delish drama is Nat Oldham, former beauty queen and current persevering publicist. Nat, not busy enough managing the culminating careers of the Field Sisters or working on her moribund marriage, prefers to catapult new band The Border Babes to superstardom. Will the Babes bring Nat the recognition she so desperately desires?

Drama. Romance. Secrets. Celebrity.
For anyone who enjoys TMZ, gossip rags or E!, this rousing read is for you. Try to put it down as Schlimm weaves the storylines tightly together into a saucy and stimulating summer read. Will you guess the secrets before they are revealed? Will you develop an insatiable interest in the lives of country crooners?? Will you be able to put down this provocative page-turner and carry on with the details of daily life???

Enter to win a FREE download & $10 giftcard to Amazon.com. Go to my new website: http://www.carrieblogshaw.com Good luck!

Today's Funny

2011-08-07T21:53:00.002-04:00

Jackpot

A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, ‘Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!’
The husband said, ‘Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?’
‘Doesn’t matter,’ she said. ‘Just get out.’

heh!

Relationtip: Catcalls

2011-08-02T21:05:00.013-04:00

Okay guys, seriously...
The catcall I received today has inspired me to educate men as to the success rate of this creepy callout. Oh, and it's not just me who feels this way... This goes for all women - believe me.

Today, while innocently pumping gas after a blissful yoga class, I was accosted with a cloying catcall. A (pot-bellied, slovenly) middle-aged man in a (dirty) wifebeater got out of his thumping, heaving truck and started panting heavily. So heavily that it could be heard over the badgering beats. All of a sudden, I hear: "Look at you, working that pump, eh? I'd like to pump you." Nice. That's exactly the kind of pick up I go for.

What came next was shocking and sickening. And unexpected, as it's usually only the lowest of the low who pull this type of move. After his charming and endearing love message, he gave the "lick-ey face" with full tongue. Lovely...

Anyhoo, we're going out on Saturday night. I'll let you know how it goes!

The Proposal

2011-07-24T20:48:00.012-04:00

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of G No's proposal and my acceptance. What a difference a year has made. The anniversary of this ominous occasion was difficult for me. I'm wondering how it was for him.
I have decided to share with you, my reticent readers, the letter he gave me when he proposed. Why? I'm wondering if you can help me make sense of it all. The letter below sounds like it was written by a man who was deeply in love. Nine months later, he ran out the door. Three months later, I am still confused by what has happened. Re-reading the letter hasn't made this easier to reconcile.
Here goes:

Bright, beautiful Carrie,
I love you so much.
When I see you sleepy,
I just want to hold you or keep vigil at your side,
keep you safe.
When I see you happy,
talking away about family, friends or work,
I brighten. Everything is right.
When we're apart, I trace in my imagination the distant flush
along your cheek and smile:
I am a lucky man.
I offer you this sparkling ring and this love message on silver paper
because you deserve your fairy tale
and I will love you forever after
with deepest earnestness.
There is no difficulty in such a promise.
It is like wind through the grass:
natural,
effortless. What should be.
Yours,
G No

PS - Now is the flower-laden summertime. No ice age lasts forever. This is the YOC (year of Carrie)!

Wow. Well, we all know it didn't last forever. It was not effortless. This is not how the fairy tale was supposed to end. My questions are: Does he feel badly? Does he even remember?? Does he feel anything???
The year of Carrie? Not so far!
Deepest earnestness? Uh, no. Whoever this Earnest is, maybe I should try to meet him?!

Birthday Blues

2011-07-17T20:42:00.006-04:00

Just when I thought I was making progress moving on from the serious split with G No, I had a nasty reminder of the past show up in my calendar last week. After suffering through a particularly horrendous week at work, I woke up on Friday morning (a beautiful, sunny day), and checked my calendar. All it took to shake my morning up were two words: 'G No's Birthday!' Yech.
I had been reminded of it off and on, when I wasn't totally distracted by my worrisome work situation. But all of a sudden, there it was. I thought about what I had done for him in the past and how we had celebrated before. I had, months previously, known that I would have done what I always do to celebrate his day: made arrangements for a fun night out, bought one of his favourite desserts and gotten him a thoughtful, heartfelt gift. Not this year.
The lesson to be learned here? Not that I would have thought about it then, but I know now: Go through your calendar, girls! Erase all reminders of the past - there will be no more celebrations with that person. Ultimately, I care and hope that he had a nice day (well, not as nice as it would have been had he been with me, of course... I wonder if he's missing his birthday blow job?!). But, for the love of brutal breakups, let's remove these wretched reminders so that we don't have to suffer the birthday blues!

If You Had My Love...

2011-07-15T21:57:00.006-04:00

Mmm... Not so much... Stop the presses! J Lo and Marc Anthony announced their split today. What happened? They sounded like a very happy couple. I must say (because, I'm like that...) that they certainly weren't matched in attractiveness, which is an indicator of successful couples. She is a sexy stunner and his nickname is Skeletor. J Lo is a ravishing beauty who is always smiling and glowing. Marc Anthony? Not so much. In fact, I've seen people on life support who have more of a glow than he does... I can't say that I understand what the attraction was for her. Does she have a thing for hollow cheeks? Sallow Skin?? The Grim Reaper???

This split marks the end of J Lo's third marriage. You have to admire her pluck. I do! How many times can one marry before one realizes that marriage might not be for them? How many acrimonious divorces can one handle? Certainly, multiple marriages are a luxury for celebrities - the rest of us couldn't afford it! So, here she is today - a thrice divorced, notorious single mom with an incredibly busy career. Her legs are the feature of the latest Venus ad campaign. Her cleavage-baring, super-slit Versace dress has gone down in the history of sexiness.. Her a** is practically more famous than she is... Yeah, I'd marry her, too!

Review & Giveaway: Beneath A Starlet Sky by Amanda Goldberg & Ruthanna Khalighi Hopper

2011-07-03T20:13:00.004-04:00

How exciting – my first book review and my first giveaway! I was honoured when I was contacted to review this book. I was also nervous, as I was rendered unable to concentrate for the first 6 weeks after my most recent breakup. Would I be able to read a book from cover to cover? Would I be able to focus on the storyline and content?? Would I be able to concentrate and get through the book in less than a year??? Well, I did. Now, I am excited to share my victory with you.

Beneath A Starlet Sky is written by daughters of Hollywood royalty. Amanda Goldberg is the daughter of TV producer Leonard Goldberg and Ruthanna Khalighi Hopper is the daughter of film legend Dennis Hopper. They grew up amongst Hollywood’s elite and now they write about it expertly.

The book centers around the experience of our heroine, Lola Santisi. Lola’s father is a top film producer and her mother is a fame-hungry former model and star of a new reality show. A reformed actor-holic, Lola is excited and relieved to be dating a doting doctor in LA. She is also thrilled about her new position as CEO of her bff’s new fashion line, Julian Tenant, Inc. Lola has a lot on her plate: a burgeoning career, a budding romance and a busy schedule. Next up? A trip to Cannes, which will see her launch the fashion line, attend the film festival (where both her brother and her father will be competing for the coveted Palme D’Or) and have a glamourous European getaway with her bf. Or not…

This story has everything a sexy singleton could want in fun, frothy fiction: fashion, style, glamour, romance, celebrity, a family that puts the ‘fun’ in dysfunction and heart-wrenching breakups that leave you yearning for heart-warming makeups. A tantalizing treat whether on the beach, at the pool, on the dock or in the park. Indulge yourself in an escapist, exciting and romantic read this summer.

Now for the giveaway: A copy of this book will be given to the first person who sends an email to info@carrieblogshaw.com citing the subject: Beneath A Starlet Sky. This giveaway is open to residents of the United States and Canada only. Please include your name and mailing address. This book now holds a special place in my heart and I am pleased to share it with you. Enter on my new website: www.carrieblogshaw.com Good luck!

I've Still Got It!

2011-06-26T20:02:00.012-04:00

Phew!
One of the hardest parts of any break up is dealing with the horrible feeling of rejection. In my case, it was less of a rejection and more of G No being unable to operate at my level, but I digress... After he took off, I worried that I might not meet someone new. That I might not be a desirable partner for someone better.. That I might have lost my touch...
About one month ago, I went on my first date in over 2 years. I had performance anxiety, as I felt I had become a bit of an expert in my serial dating experience before meeting G No. Could I still be smart, funny and charming on a date? Could I still attract a man?? Could I achieve second date status??? I met up with a very nice guy. We had a lovely date and I was all of those things. I was exhausted that night, but he was impressed by my energy. Again, phew! Unfortunately, I did not feel a connection with him and when he asked for a second date, I had to turn him down. He was cool about it, so it ended up being a very nice first exposure back into the scene.
Two weeks ago, I went out with one of my bff's and we ended up at a banker bar in Cosmopolitan City. Within 5 minutes, two fabulous guys had asked to join us. We ended up having an amazing evening together. I was happy and relieved to know that I attracted a smart, funny, intelligent, successful and attractive man. Phew!
This weekend, we had another girls night out. We ended up at a fun bar that plays good music. I had consumed a few too many glasses of bubbly, but was approached and spent the evening talking to and dancing with a nice guy, whose name I unfortunately can't remember (yes, it was that kind of evening). I'm kind of hoping that he won't call simply because I don't remember his name or how we said goodbye...
I don't know if I'm ready to date seriously yet. It's still early days. I don't need a rebound romance right now, I need to take the necessary time to heal so that I will be ready for the real thing when it comes around. I am trying to spend my time with my fabulous friends and if men continue to show interest, then I'm open. My goal for the summer is to relax in the country on weekends and pursue interests, fitness and fun nights out during the week. If I can fit dating in, then so be it, but it is not a priority for me right now. Still, at the very least, I know I've still got it!

Today's Funny

2011-06-19T21:01:00.003-04:00

After all, it is a numbers game:

Geoff had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Anita, 'Mother of Six,' in spite of her regular objections.

One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Geoff is ready to go home and wants to find out if Anita is ready to leave as well.

Geoff bellows at the top of his voice, "Shall we go home, Mother of Six?"

Anita, greatly irritated by Geoff's lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, "Anytime you're ready, 'Father of Four'."

heh.

Fear Factor

2011-06-12T20:03:00.012-04:00

Due to popular request from you, my faithful followers, I am going to address what I feel are the reasons why my former fiance, G No, left. I, along with many others (including professionals), have narrowed it down to 3 main factors:
Fear. Change. Guilt.
The fear? Perhaps of an unfamiliarity with living a new, happy, healthy, balanced way of life with the best possible partner.
The change? Going from single to engaged to homeowner to cohabitant... I know all about it, as I was going through it, too.
The Guilt? Of being happy, I suspect.

A few weeks ago, I came across an amazing article from The Daily Love by Mastin Kip (www.thedailylove.com). This article seemed to be written to help me understand what happened in this atrocious mess. Please see below for some revelatory reading:

Many times we wish and wish for the right person to come into our lives. We don’t seem to understand why it’s not working out with others. We end up in toxic, unloving relationships, and deep down know something better is out there.
The challenge is, when something better does come along, to not run away.
After years of disappointment, heart break and unhappy endings, it can be very easy to close down on real love. No matter what, don’t let that happen!
Remember, strength in the muscles of your body is created by your muscles being ripped apart, and then rebuilt. Your heart and your emotional intelligence and fitness operate the same way. It is easy to close down after you’ve been hurt. It’s easy to throw a wrench into real love when it comes. I understand it’s scary, but WHO CARES?
Move forward in spite of your fear. Move forward INTO the scariness of it all. Be courageous. Don’t let fear win. OPEN UP anyway. The risk of not opening, in the end, is far worse than the risk of opening.
Don’t let love pass you by. Don’t let fear win.
NO! Instead, let love win. Open up, even when, you are afraid. Open up, even when you are scared of getting hurt. Open up, even when you don’t know what’s going to happen.
Listen to me: LOVE WILL PASS YOU BY if you always choose the safe path.
I am not suggesting that you open up to the first person who comes along. No. I am not suggesting that at all. I am suggesting that when you have a connection with someone, when you feel it, when you are so scared of how much you feel it, go in the opposite direction of your fear. Do not be afraid of the love you feel.
KNOW THIS: The right person will meet you. The right person will show up. But they can’t if you don’t open.
Learn to value openness and rebuilding your heart more than safety. Don’t let the wounds of the past create a wounded future. No. It can be different. Love can be yours. But first you must be open to it. Learn how to be more loving from your past pain, not how to be more closed.
Don’t give up on love, no, give IN TO love!

The Hangover

2011-06-05T20:37:00.005-04:00

I haven't had one this bad since the morning after my brother's wedding... This one, like the last, was well-earned.

Last night, I had my best friends over for a housewarming party. It has been almost 3 months since I moved into my new place. Although it did not work out as expected, it is still a fabulous condo and I feel very lucky to live here. This is the place where my friends and family rallied around me when my fiance left. This is the place that has kept me safe through the tears and the sadness. This is the place where I am starting to have more laughs than tears now. This is the place that I enjoy waking up in every morning and coming home to every night. This is the place that housed my fabulous friends last night and has seen much more love in the past few weeks than I ever imagined.

Given the amount of drinking that has been going on in here lately (and, most certainly, last night...), I can still tell people that I'm living in sin in a church (I do love that!). My 2 person condo was a 22 person condo last night and it was fabulous. It is fabulous. I vow not to wake up again in the state that I did this morning (so unholy), however I also vow to continue to wake up happy and hopeful in my cherished church. How divine!

Is 35 Too Old To Wear A Miniskirt?

2011-05-29T20:22:00.005-04:00

Ummmmmm.... No!

In a survey of the age-apropriateness of fashion performed by Diet Chef, 2000 British women (who were these prudes?!) agreed that 35 is too old to wear a miniskirt. Please excuse me while I barf...

I don't understand the results of this study. More importantly, I don't agree with the results of this study. Perhaps the 2000 women are all well over the age of 35. Perhaps the 2000 women suffer from vericose veins?? Perhaps the 2000 women suffer from orange-peely-looking thighs that are pocked with cellulite??? Whoever these rude respondents are, they clearly aren't 35 and wanting to wear miniskirts. Who is 35 and wanting to wear miniskirts? Me.

Why do I still wear minis at this age and stage? First off, I have great legs. I was taught, as a girl, to showcase my best assets. Why not? Secondly, I am newly single. It's almost summer. Short skirts are going to be my new best friends for the next little while. Even in the winter, however, I am still a big fan of the short skirt. When I was last single, I used to make jokes with my seamstress, asking her to take my skirts up to "boyfriend length." Even in relationships, I am still a fan of "boyfriend length" skirts. Guess what? So are my boyfriends.

The real question that they should have asked the 2000 haters is this: Is 41 too old to wear a miniskirt? Based on the picture of J. Lo above, I think the answer would be No. Has anyone seen a picture of Jennifer Aniston in a short skirt lately? If so, then we all know that 42 isn't too old to wear a miniskirt, either. Seriously, it depends on the woman and on the legs. In some sad cases, 18 can be too old to wear a miniskirt based on the situation going on... In my opinion, there is only one sexy singleton who should be able to put an age on miniskirt apropriateness: Tina Turner!

The Couple That Drinks Together Stays Together?

2011-05-22T20:58:00.007-04:00

Excellent!

I recently came across a timely article, published by Cosmopolitan magazine (thank you, lovelies), that extolls the virtues of couples who drink together. According to a study conducted at the University of Buffalo (and no, there was no mention of the variable of daily consumption of chicken wings and that effect on relationships...) , having a drink a day with your boyfriend will help to keep relationship problems at bay.

The raging alcoholic researchers found that: 'couples who have a cocktail or two (or even three) together reported feeling "increased intimacy and decreased relationship problems the next day" as compared to boyfriends and girlfriends who drink apart or don't drink at all.' Fabulous!

This is very exciting news for me. I have always been a firm believer in drinking with my partners (friends and lovers). Although that has obviously not been the key to success in my previous relationships, I vow from today onwards to maintain this practice in all future relationships until I get it right.

Cheers!

Quote Of The Day

2011-05-15T19:07:00.004-04:00

"The hottest love has the coldest end."

~ Socrates

* True, Socrates seems an unlikely source for this unbelievably meaningful quote (meaningful to me at this point). Turns out that he was married with children. Another quote of his on marriage:

"By all means marry. If you get a good wife you will become happy, and if you get a bad one you will become a philosopher."

Isn't it fabulous when your little brother gets married...

2011-05-08T15:25:00.007-04:00

... before you do? Four months before you were supposed to get married?? And one month after your fiance has taken off??? Yep, that's right! A few weeks ago, I rsvp'd to my brother's wedding. The wedding that I had anticipated attending with G No was last night. Although I had found a suitable replacement date, it was too late to add a seat at the table, so I managed through it alone. I did, however, end up having 2 dates with me - my super supportive aunt and uncle. At the party, I soon found myself with a suitor, danced the night away and turned down a marriage proposal. All in a night's work! I wore a beautiful dress and got lots of attention. People couldn't stop commenting on it and saying what a mistake G No made. And how crazy he must be. Clearly.
My worry leading up to the big day was how I would handle the ceremony (I knew that the reception would be okay - I love a good party!). Just like watching the royal wedding last week, as soon as the bride started walking down the aisle, I burst into tears. It was hard. However, it was temporary and I was able to get through the rest of the ceremony without having a nervous breakdown. When in doubt, just show up looking fabulous. It distracts people and is a great ego boost!
First a royal wedding, then a royally difficult wedding. Is this making me stronger? Absolutely. At the very least, I can take comfort in the fact that I've got two down and none to go!

Royal Salt In The Wound

2011-04-30T15:57:00.004-04:00

No, I did not get up intentionally to watch it. Hell, no! I knew I was going to have to be careful with this one. Unfortunately, I was woken at 3.30am due to the 3 glasses of wine consumed the night before during a celebration with coworkers. Well-earned wine. So, there I was, hoping to get back to sleep so that I wouldn't have to subject myself to the torture, but it was not meant to happen. At 5am, I began watching the royal affair.

I was doing well at first. I got goosebumps when Prince Charming arrived at the church. It was exciting. Historic. Compelling. It was thrilling when Kate got into the car and then arrived at the church. As she linked arms with her father and started to walk down the aisle, that's when the floods of tears began. For months after the royal engagement, I joked with my friends that Wills and Kate were stealing my thunder. Now, my former partner, who we will now refer to as G No, has stolen my wedding.

I had dreamed of the wedding we would have for the 8 months that we were engaged. I planned carefully so that it would be a celebration to be enjoyed by all. Sophisticated. Beautiful. Original. I was due to walk down the aisle of a meaningful church with my father in September. Not anymore. Let's face it: Ward isn't getting any younger. Will I have that opportunity again? I thought of seeing G No at the front of the church, ready to begin the 'happily ever after' part. Nope. We would celebrate our love with friends and family afterwards. Uhhhhhh, no.

The life that I saw for myself over the past year or so is no longer. My partner took off. He is the one who said in a letter he gave me after the proposal that "you deserve your fairytale." Guess what? This isn't it!? It's spring and weddings are in the air. My wedding is in the ground and I've been left with a royal mess!

Quote Of The Day

2011-04-24T20:17:00.002-04:00

"Every time I talk about it, I want to cry... I'm just trying to get through it as gracefully as possible, without any drama."

~ Eva Longoria, on her divorce from Tony Parker

Jilted

2011-04-10T18:50:00.007-04:00

Dictionary.com defines the term 'jilted' as follows : "to reject or cast aside (a lover or sweetheart), especially abruptly or unfeelingly." Yep, that sounds like the right definition to me.
What a week it has been. G Spot, my former lover, gave up on our relationship earlier this week. There were too many factors that contriubuted to the end of the relationship to mention here. Unfortunately, most of them were blown out of proportion by fear and anxiety. It is especially unpleasant, given that there was no lack of love, caring and passion in the relationship. It is hard to make sense of it ending when all of those aspects were present. However, this is the card that I have been dealt, and I must carry on.
I never expected that G Spot would hurt me like this. He seemed so caring. I had felt that this was the true love experience that I had been looking for all my life. It wasn't.
I was so upset and felt so alone that first day. My friends and family have rallied around me and shown me that I am not alone. Now I know I do not need to worry about losing love, as I have found more in the past few days than I ever dreamed possible. I want to thank everyone who has come over to sit with me, bring me wine at night, bring me coffee in the morning, bring my favourite flowers and bring me back up. I am so grateful to you all. Now, my tears are those of gratitude.
Did I ever expect this to happen? No. Do I feel that I will get through this and go on to one day find my true love? I do.

Living In Sin

2011-03-27T19:38:00.008-04:00

That's right. G Spot and I, two sinners, are living together before marriage. In a church. God would be so unimpressed. Heh!
The big move happened last week. We have now been living harmoniously in our church conversion condo and it's been a lot different than I ever expected. I have droned on about my fear of living with a man for many, many years. The longer I put it off, the scarier it got. Finally, it became a big, scary monster hiding under the bed. I worried about everything: Would our sex life be ruined? Would we start annoying each other? Would his lack of ability to change the loo roll drive me insane? Would we start fighting over when a lightbulb would be changed? Would we start to hate each other?
I guess I figured that would happen sooner rather than later. However, we took the time to trouble-shoot the scenario. We entered into this arrangement with both our needs as top priorities. We are both private people and we appreciate space. We both have activities that we enjoy doing apart from the relationship that we do not want to give up. We both enjoy our sex life and do not want to f*ck that up. So, what did we do? We decided before moving in to repect each other's space. We respect each other's schedules. His quirks and habits are not annoying me yet, and he claims the same of mine. We had a few bulbs that needed to be changed, and it got done. And, most importantly of all, we are still having sex. Thank God!

If It's Not One Thing, It's My Mother: Yeesh

2011-02-28T20:42:00.006-05:00

Free as a snowbird, I have travelled all the way to Sunny Southern State to enjoy a relaxing vacation. With my parents.. On a golf course... Okay, so it's not exactly South Beach, but Shady Pines has it's pluses.
I had only been here a day when I noticed that my parents, Ward and June Cleaver-Blogshaw, had given each other Valentines Day cards. So sweet. Or so I thought. I innocently took the time to read the cards, which were displayed on the kitchen counter (no, I wasn't rummaging through their dresser drawers... that was the next day).
I looked at the pink and red card first. It was from Ward to June. The sentiment read: "They say Valentines Day is all about the love. Which is good, because somebody ate all the candy. Oh well, have a great day." Awwwwww, cute.
The pink card with sparkly purple designs was from June to Ward. The sentiment read: "Oh, you've set my heart to racing. Feel it? That's not my heart." The inside caption said: "Happy Valentines from someone you can always misbehave with."
The picture was of an old man with a pop-up arm that jerked himself off whenever you open and close the card. Ewwwwww. I didn't realize it was going to be this hot at Shady Pines! Yech.

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

2011-02-13T21:10:00.004-05:00

... He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me.

I am a romantic. The dictionary describes me as: being preoccupied with love or by the idealizing of love or one's beloved. Yep, that's me. The dictionary also describes me as: fanciful, impractical and unrealistic. Fair enough.

When I was a girl, which seems not so long ago, I never dreamed of my wedding. I never dreamed of the dress, the venue, the flowers or the ring. I used to dream of the relationship. I longed to meet and marry the man of my dreams. To find and hold onto true love. Seemed simple at the tme. Turned out to be the longest, hardest search of my life.

Finally, 2 years ago, I found my true love. A man different from any I had known before him and it changed everything. The love that grew, and continues to grow, makes me feel beautiful, desirable, important and supported all the time. Truly loved. Has it been as easy as I had thought a relationship between two lovers would be? No. Has it been a story book romance or a love story that looks like it does in the movies? No. Has it been the most rewarding experience of my life and worth the work? Absolutely.

This post is dedicated to my lover, G Spot. I nicknamed him G Spot for the purpose of this blog because, unlike other women perhaps, my G Spot is in my heart. And that's right where he got me. From the start. Being faced with the unlikely prospect of our relationship not working out (see previous post about related problems called 'Relationsh*ts'), was unfathomable. I would not operate at the same level if he were not around. Perhaps he wouldn't, either.

To all the fanciful, impractical and unrealistic sexy singletons out there, keep at it. As Bridget Jones, Carrie Bradshaw, Cleopatra, Scarlett O'Hara, Jerry Maguire, Adam & Eve and Elizabeth Taylor (?!) would say, Happy Valentines Day!

Sure Shot

2011-01-11T20:20:00.004-05:00

Usually, I would start off saying 'this sort of thing can only happen in America.' This time, I'm saying 'this sort of thing happened in Canada.' What's the deal? Here goes...
According to the Saskatoon StarPhoenix, a man, Glenn Kroeger, was 'deeply depressed and drinking heavily when he fired a rifle at his wife Sylvia inside their rural Saskatchewan home on the morning of January 3rd, 2011. The .22-calibre bullet struck their bedroom door so close to her head that she felt fragments strike her face.'
The first problem? Well, they live in Saskatchewan. Rural Saskatchewan.
The second problem? A husband trying to shoot his wife. In the face.
The real problem? Sylvia, the poor fool who obviously suffers from low self esteem, told the court that the "frightening event did not spell the end of their 21-year marriage." Scary! She went on to say "this incident is completely out of character for Glenn," telling the court she believes her husband was suicidal at the time. Too bad he didn't turn the gun on himself. Jeez.
Apparently, "He is not proud of what happened, obviously." Awwww, bless...
Ladies, this is f*cked. This kind of behaviour is never to be tolerated, no matter how mentally deficient your partner is. I mean, really... A couple who own a glue gun? Handy. A couple who own a caulking gun? Really handy. A couple who own a stun gun? Good for an emergency or intrusion. A couple who own a hand gun? A couple of lunatics!

I'm Gonna Getcha Good!

2011-01-04T19:46:00.004-05:00

Oh yes she did!
TMZ has just reported (so we know it's true) that Shania Twain has gotten married. Again.
Twain was first married to philandering music producer Mutt Lange, who divorced Shania after cheating on her with one of her friends. That don't impress me much...
So who did Shania The Great (I love her) go on to marry this time? She just did the 'do' with Swiss business exec (mmm...) Frederic Thiebaud. Who is this, you ask? Why, he's the husband of the woman who cheated with her husband. Ha! This will go down in history as one of the greatest revenge romances of the century, if not ever!

Happy New Year!

2011-01-03T17:28:00.005-05:00

2011 just might kill me. Why? It's going to be a year of firsts for me. I'm a bit scared... Oh, screw it - I'm gripped by fear. Of what, you ask? See below for the monumental tasks that lie ahead for me:

* I'm moving in with a guy

* I'm gettting married

* I'm going to have a heart attack

HO. LY. F*CK!

Why They Called It Quits

2010-12-21T14:27:00.006-05:00

Welcome to my new topic. In this day and age, calling it quits is de rigeur. Why not take the time to investigate what caused the rigeur mortis (heh!) in the rapid romance between Scarlett Johansson and super sexy Ryan Reynolds?

First of all, I'd like to say 'boo hoo.'
Secondly, I'd like to say 'I'm shocked, as I'm sure you are, too.'
Thirdly, I'd like to say 'who cares?' Answer: I'll tell you who cares. The people who care are the millions of sexy singletons who are thanking the lord that the foxy Ryan Reynolds is back on the market!

Let's talk about sex, lady

2010-12-12T20:15:00.011-05:00

Because that's what happens when two bff's have a girls night out. Of course, we spent lots of time talking about other things, such as work, the economy, our outfits, our hair and how having a husband or significant other is like having an adult child. And, obviously, how fun that is...

My bff is a smug married. She has been hauling the ball on a chain for 7 years. Bless... She told tales of how difficult it marriage can be. She told me how long I can expect for it to take to have a lightbulb changed once G Spot and I have shackled ourselves into our lifelong pact. I can expect for his honesty to become much more open and brutal. Apparently, I can also expect my mate to tell me he's too busy to help with dinner and/or cleaning while he's reclined on the sofa drinking a beer and watching football. Or baseball.. Or hockey...

No matter how difficult things get or how stuck they get in the doldrums of daily life, she makes one major concession to her mate every month. Fellatio. Her top tip to keep things from sucking the big one? To suck the big one!

RelationTips

2010-12-05T20:04:00.003-05:00

Here's a tip: Stay single!

Not-So-Desperate Housewife

2010-11-24T20:54:00.008-05:00

Oops, no, it’s not OK! Come on, now - this never looked like it was built to last. Of course, it was extremely entertaining. A Hollywood actress. An NBA star. Did I mention that 80-90% of all pro athletes stray? What was she thinking? She had to beg him to marry her. He's French. He’s a basketball great.. He’s 28…

I have always believed in the matching theory. This theory maintains that happy and successful long-term couples tend to be matched in attractiveness. Take away Tony’s wallet and fame, and he’s no where near as attractive as the lovely Longoria. It was a match made by Beauty and the Beast. By Larry King and his wife Shawn. By Donald and Malania.. By the ancient oil geezer and Anna Nicole Smith…

Looking on the bright side of things, at least he bucked the trend by recent celebs who lately have screwed their significant others over by trading down and cheating with less attractive women (come on guys, if you’re going to do it, don’t insult us on every level…). At least Tony bagged a babe!

Relationsh*ts

2010-11-21T21:03:00.006-05:00

Yeah, you heard me. It happens to everyone. Everyone in a relationship, that is. From time to time, we all get a case of the relationsh*ts. Relationsh*ts are unpleasant. They can sometimes clear up quickly, but sometimes they repeat with a vengeance. Also troubling is the fact that the relationsh*ts can be catching. One partner may come down with a nasty case of the relationsh*ts, and can quickly transfer the case to the other partner. We all know how pleasant relationships are when both partners have a case of the relationsh*ts... Actually, I must say that relationsh*ts are 100% contagious.

To this day, there is no known cure for relationsh*ts. Some say to drink wine, beer or spirits to ward off the 'sh*ts, but sometimes that can exascerbate the problem. Some people recommend talking about the 'sh*ts until the 'sh*ts are a distant memory. Some people keep their case of relationsh*ts a secret until it becomes so severe that they end up spewing sh*t all over the place. In my experience, it's best to deal with the 'sh*ts immediately and acutely. When it comes to a nasty case of the relationsh*ts, swift action is best. And no amount of bananas, honey or Immodium will solve the problem!

With this iconic ring belonging to my infamous, dead mother, I thee wed...

2010-11-16T20:11:00.007-05:00

Ummmmmmm... yeah.
Don't get me wrong - I was extremely happy to hear about the engagement of Price William to his lovely gf, Kate Middleton. I was also kind of sad, as I'd always wondered if the Prince and I would have ended up together had we met during my 2 years abroad when I was younger, but I digress...

A fairytale engagement, a fairytale wedding and a fairytale marriage, I'm sure. However, all happiness aside, I must say I'm perplexed about his controversial choice of engagement ring. Would it have been lovely of him to present the mountainous sapphire to her at some point in the future as a sentimental symbol of his respect for his mother and his respect for her? Yes. As the symbol of their intimate relationship as they make the biggest mistake - I mean, as they make the biggest leap of faith of their lives???!!! Hmmmmmm... For the love of Divorce Court, the ring was Diana's engagement ring from Charles, and we all know how that turned out!

Moving. On.

2010-11-08T19:29:00.006-05:00

Holy sh*t. Did I mention that G Spot and I bought a place together?? Did I mention that I moved? Did I mention that, therefore, G Spot and I will be moving in together??? In keeping with the theme of the past few months, which is change, we bought a fabulous condo together and will be moving in this Spring. Fortunately, for both our sakes, we don't have to move in together right away. Why is that? Well, it's because I was able to move in with my parents, good old Ward & June. Yep...

Moving out of my former bachelorette pad was painful. I had many good years there. I had many quiet evenings there. I prepared for many dates there. I came home and pondered the existence of useless men there. I brought useless men there. I cried over useless men there. I wrote all previous posts there. It's where G Spot and I had our first touchy feely makeout session. It's where we had s*x for the first time. It's where we exchanged Xmas gifts for the first time. It's where we fought for the first time (but not the last!). It's sad.

In true dating doyenne style, I've passed my love nest on to a savvy, young bachelor. Really, it's as it should be. I now have 6 months in which to prepare myself for cohabitation. I'm sure it will be fun to have a roommate. Maybe we'll have pillow fights, jump on the bed while listening to our fave songs, do arts and crafts... You know, things roommates do... Am I excited for this new phase of coupledom? Yes. Am I scared sh*tless about this phase simultaneously? Yes. Will I miss my former single life, where it was totally acceptable to come home from work, lounge around in ratty t's, watch ridiculous reality shows about dating, eat chocolate for dinner and drink right out of the container? Hell, yes!

Today's Funny

2010-10-12T20:10:00.004-04:00

He said to me... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. I said to him... You wear pants don't you?

He said to me... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him... They don't have time.

He said to me... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him... I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking? I said to him... They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said... A widow.

He said to me... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

15 Jobs With The Highest Divorce Rate

2010-10-11T19:06:00.011-04:00

Yowza. This info is brought to us by the relationship researchers at Cosmopolitan Magazine, so we know it's legit. Amazingly, Hollywood actors, Grammy winners and pro golfers are not on the list. Here are the occupations of people that are most likely to become divorcees:

* Maids and Housekeepers ~ I guess they're so sick of picking up other peoples' sh*t, they can't be bothered to do it for someone else at home. Fair enough.
* Roofers ~ A job that allows them to see what goes on under everyone else's rooves. Perhaps the grass really is greener...
* Waiters ~ They sure get to meet lots of hotties who are out for a night on the town... Did Bartenders make the list???
* Telemarketers ~ Well, they are the most annoying people ever.
* Baggage Porters and Concierges ~ Can't they be faithful? I thought their opportunities for infidelity only happened in movies.
* Entertainers and Performers, Sports and related workers ~ I think that's just a general list of ALL ENTERTAINERS. Forget what I just said above. They'll all move on.
* Nursing, Psychiatric and Home Health Aides ~ Why? Because their jobs suck and you'll tire of hearing about it.
* Telephone Operators ~ Seriously???!!! I didn't know that job still exists! Perhaps, because no one calls them any more, they've become socially awkward...
* Factory Workers: Food and Tobacco ~ Perhaps being surrounded by nosh and smokes all day long creates a hedonistic environment that leads to cheating and, therefore, divorce?!
* Gaming Service Worker ~ Wait a minute - I thought they were lucky to find even one woman?!
* Extruding Machine Operators ~ Doe this refer to all men???!!!
* Gaming Cage Worker ~ Does anyone know what this is?
* Massage Therapists ~ Fair enough. Everyone wants a piece of that action.
* Bartenders ~ Finally! Refer to what I said under "Waiter" and multiply it by 1,000.
* Dancers and Choreographers ~ Sexy partners. Sexy moves.. Sexy costumes... Super sexy choreography.... Dirty dancing and divorce go together like Waiters and divorce; Like Gamers and divorce; Like Bartenders and divorce; Like...yeesh!

Sick Sex

2010-10-03T21:06:00.006-04:00

Yeah. I mean, really… I’ve been approached for sex when I’ve had colds, flus, wicked PMS, just after hand surgery, just after butt surgery… I’ve had broken ankle sex (btw – that wasn’t comfortable), torn rotator cuff sex and, worst of all, the romp while brutally bloated. Yeah.

I’ve never been in a relationship where sexual attraction waned, which I’m very happy about. Always, on some level, there is a high degree of desire that I believe is key in sustaining a long term relationship. However, how much is too much? Where do you draw the line between keeping it fresh and f*cking a freak?? How sick is too sick???

Last weekend, I got sick. I joked with G Spot about sick sex , which was no deterrent. He was eager to get it on. Really???!!! I was blowing my nose all over the place and, believe me, it was not hot. If G Spot had been coughing and blowing his way around the room, I wouldn’t have been game. What is sexy about a woman who’s sweating, sputtering and forming a dependent relationship with a box of tissues? Even though I was wearing a thong, the look just wasn’t happening…

I’ve been highly educated on the virtues of sex and how it improves health. According to all my boyfriends, both past and present, the list of pros goes on and on. And on. The Alcoholic Workaholic liked to tell me that cum is high in protein. Emotional F*ckwit ’08 tried to tell me that trace amounts of vital nutrients could be found in his spunk. G Spot believes firmly in the healing power of his mad sex. Perhaps he’s right – I usually do feel better afterwards. But sometimes, guys, please… Mildly sick sex can definitely have benefits, but super sick sex is so unsightly!

The Body Language of Liars

2010-09-26T20:18:00.009-04:00

We've all heard it. We've all seen it. Now, we're going to decode it. According to the relationship researchers at Cosmopolitan Magazine, there are 4 main moves that can help us catch a liar in his tracks. Men, start sweating. Ladies, here the most common ways to help spot a lurking liar:
* He wraps his ankle around the leg of a chair ~ When a guy is masking the truth, his body will physically seize up. Wrapping his ankle around a chair leg is a way of restraining himself - like he's trying to refrain from telling you the truth. The upside of this chair stance? The possibility of him not being able to extricate himself from said position or, even better, the chance of the liar tripping over said leg...
* He suddenly puts his hands in his pockets ~ When a man is walking around with his hands stuffed down there, I usually come up with a different conclusion. However, in the case of liars (and not wankers), the hiding of the hands represents his discomfort and lack of openness.
* He shrugs one or both shoulders ~ What if he has a bad shoulder? A tick?? What if he's trying to bust a move??? If he practices this while issuing a definitive statement (such as "I did not sleep with her"), it's his way of cancelling out the untruth, as if he were crossing his fingers behind his back. Ugh.
* He uses his index finger to rub just underneath his nose ~ Apparently, this is a sign of remorse right after living the lie. My question is, how are we supposed to distinguish if our man is a liar, a sinus sufferer, an itch-reliever or a hard core coke user???!!!

In Sickness and in Health: Take 2

2010-09-19T21:08:00.007-04:00

Take 2 to the emergency room, that is. At midnight. On date night. During a lovely dinner party hosted by a fabulous foodie and her merry mates. Let's just say that G Spot and I will not be entering our names into the draw for the Healthy Couples contest this year.

While at the hospital for the 2nd time in as many months (well, actually, it was my 3rd time in 2 months as I'd had my own problem, but I don't mean to brag...), I had time to think. A lot. The doctors were doctoring, the sick were sickening and I was overanalyzing. Whatever.

During the whole ordeal, and in between bouts of vomiting and wretching, G Spot felt badly that I wasn't enjoying my evening and urged me to go home and get some rest. Did he really think I would? I couldn't even imagine leaving him there alone. Gagging. Regurgitating. Unable to swallow water... What part of a happy couple (or an unhappy couple, for that matter) would willingly walk away? It's hard to walk out of a room when your heart is still in it.

Thankfully, all the heaving, hurling and spewing was worth it. Any further health disorder was averted and we were relased back into the night. Still, I wondered, are women more devoted in these circumstances than men? Would men go home to get some rest if their partner told them to? And would they actually be able to have a good sleep?? Would they even realize that if they leave their partner in the ER, there will be no nookie the next day???!!!

If It's Not One Thing, It's My Mother: OMG

2010-09-16T22:32:00.008-04:00

For simplicity's sake, I'll blame this on my mother.
She is, after all, the one who gave it to me. She had been waiting for the right moment to present it to me for years. What is it, you ask? It is a wedding binder. It is by Martha Stewart, no less. It is colour co-ordinated, has sealable pockets for storing extra information and a practical elastic closure to allow for growth. Worst of all? I'm actually using it.
I am finding it quite helpful.
I like the little tips and tricks.
I might even use one of her ideas for fabulous favours.
I'd like to invite her to be my guest of honour.
Hell, I'd like her to be my maid of honour!
How precious have I become?!

What Guys Really Think: Hot Hairstyles

2010-09-12T19:45:00.004-04:00

Who would know better about the hairstyles that men are hot for than the well-researched journalists at Cosmopolitan Magazine? Cosmo has combed the streets (!) to poll eligible bachelors about which hairdo's do it for them. Here are the top cuts:

* The Bad Girl Bump: Now, this is not to be confused with the bizarre bump that sits (too) proudly atop Snooki's head. Apparently, a small pouf adds a touch of glamour. Also, wearing your hair up shows off the neck and shoulders, which is obviously the real reason why men like it.
* The Sexy Shag: Don't think Austin Powers. Do think Meg Ryan. When you think Meg Ryan, however, please think back to her sexy, Sally Hersberger cut, not her current botox/trout-pout look. Thanks.
* Pretty Pixie: I don't believe this. I know that men prefer long hair - I read it somewhere. However, if you must sport short, men seem to like a short cut with bangs a la Ginnifer Goodwin. I think they probably chose her due to her current role on a polygamist drama, but whatever...
* Relaxed Updo: Why? Because it's elegant, simple and touchable. Why, really? Because it looks like you got dressed up nice and then spontaneously had a wild, sweaty, sexy romp, that's why.

5 Items Not To Share With Your Man

2010-09-08T20:56:00.004-04:00

Share and share alike? Nope. I was raised to play nice and share my toys with others, which I believe has served me well. Till now. I share a lot with my man. A lot. According to an online article by sharing scroodge Leigh Doyle, below are 5 icky items that we are not to be dishing out and then taking back:

* Towels: Why? Thankfully, I have enough spare towels that G Spot has his own shower rag. Apparently, towels are breeding grounds for bacteria (ewwww) and if, let's say, your amour has athletes foot, you could end up spreading the infection all over your body if you use the same towel. Total mood killer.
* Hairbrushes: Again, we don't fall into this trap. If G Spot put a brush near his hair, his afro wouldn't fit in my cute condo. This was unexpected, but besides avoiding lice (who here is dating a kindergartner???), not sharing a brush helps to avoid the spread of... ringworm. Who were the respondents in this survey???!!!
* Toothbrushes: Guilty. I have a long list of lovers with whom I've shared toothbrushes. For f*ck's sake, when you're exchanging all kinds of fluids orally with a lover, what's a toothbrush going to bring to the table that would be more offensive? Well, you can pass on bacteria, cold sores (so unsexy) and viruses.
* Nail Clippers: Never experienced this one. This really grosses me out. Everyone should have to have mani's and pedi's. Why is this gross? Because you could inherit fungus, bacteria, viruses or staph. I'm barfing.
* Razors: I wax.

Pick Your Battles

2010-09-06T19:14:00.007-04:00

No one avoids confrontation like I do. I am a passionate person and people tend to p*ss me off now and again (more now than again, but whatever…), but I only put the gloves on when absolutely necessary. My mother, the grappling guru June Cleaver Blogshaw, has always advised me to pick my battles. I believe this to be good advice. However, when a variety of things are irritating you, how do you know which battles to fight and which to forget about?

When it comes to relationships, the picking of the battles is of utmost importance. I know that I can’t fight the little battles too often, such as the fridge full of empty containers, the roll of toilet paper that can’t change itself and the beautiful tufted silk coverlet that was never meant to live on the floor… When it comes to the larger issues, and many times there are more than one, how do you know which is worth a fight?

On a recent evening out, G Spot and I got right into it. Was the timing right? No. Was the place right? No. Did the issue need to be elevated? Apparently. When something needs to come out, the bandage needs to be ripped off, right? What’s the point in waiting till the time and the place are right, as catching the issue in the moment seems to be the best policy. At least that’s what my therapist says.

It’s unpleasant to have to fight most battles. Particularly when you’re all dressed up and taking your lover to a fancy dinner at one of Cosmopolitan City’s nicest restaurants, but I digress… He said what he needed to say. So did I. Will there ever be a time when we won’t have to pick out battles? I bet there won’t be. Will there ever be a perfect place in which to get into it? Probably not. Truthfully, there’s never a good time for a spanish inquisition – whether it’s before dinner, after dessert or during aperitifs. The lesson learned? Order enough champagne/wine/brandy to get you through it, learn to use your inside voice and, above all, leave a tremendous tip!

How to get a stranger to flirt with you...

2010-09-01T19:33:00.005-04:00

... hopefully.

Our favourite experts at Yahoo.com have provided us with even more dating tips. Funny, since I've been happy in a relationship, I've had more men (and seemingly good ones) flirt with me than ever before... Idiots. Where were these decent guys when I was looking for one? Men.

Anyhoo, here are the top 8 ways to get a sexy stranger to wanna make it with you:

1. Dressing down: Whoa. I'm not a fan of this one. I love any occasion to overdress. However, I will concede that when I'm schlepping around makeup-less in my stretchy, comfy yoga-wear, I do seem to get approached more. They usually turn out to be garbage handlers, sweaty/toothless wife-beater-wearers or mental institution escapees, but still...
2. Being out in public solo: Surely, it's less intimidating for a dude to approach you when you're not surrounded by your circle of giggling girlfriends.
3. Seeming approachable without seeming desperate for human contact: No one wants a Debbie Downer and no one wants a Desperate Debbie.
4. Being in a place that's just right: Location, location, location. Not too crowded. Not too empty. Not too intimidating. Not too much to ask, right?!
5. Being planted in one place: Think that moving around will be a good opportunity to create mystery, add excitement and showcase your a**? Sounds like a good idea at the time, but a moving target is hard to nail...
6. Being really into whatever you're doing: Just like how guys look sexy when they are really involved in a workout, a book or a porno, you look sexy when you're focused, too.
7. Creating a little something called "mimetic desire": When a dude sees another dude flirting with you, Dude #2 thinks 'wow - that sexy singleton is desirable...' and the flirting becomes contagious. Because, as we all know, people often want what other people have. Flirting begets flirting. Yes!
8. Having no expectations: It sounds silly. It sounds pedantic. It sounds like you've heard it 1,000 times. But you have heard it 1,000 times because it's true!

What Guys Really Think: Your Hair and Makeup

2010-08-23T20:01:00.011-04:00

Welcome to my new topic: What Guys Really Think. Based on the title, you are correct to assume that these will be short posts!

This week, thanks to the lifestyle gurus at Yahoo.com, we will examine what men really think about our hair and makeup. Not surprisingly, it turns out that women use both sides of the brain to perceive beauty. Men? Well, they only use the right side of the brain. Yep, they're only using half their brain, but we already knew that... This is how they interpret half-brained beauty:

* What He Notices First ~ 81% of men said that they notice eyes first. 19% are lip men. The 81% who said eyes really meant to say boobs.
* Eye Makeup ~ Apparently, men prefer darkly lined eyes and smoky eyeshadow. This makeup style makes the eyes look bigger, which is a turn on. I can't pull off a smoky eye. I am sad.
* Eyelashes ~ Not surprisingly, men are not hot for fake lashes. Perhaps it's the glue marks. Perhaps it's the constant eyelid fluttering and rubbing. Perhaps it's the strip that comes unglued and hangs off... Whatever it is exactly, try to avoid it, my little Tammy Fayes.
* The Right Amount of Makeup ~ Not too much. Not too little. I must say, I've found the opposite to be true in my clubbing and general evening out experiences in Cosmopolitan City...
* Pink Cheeks ~ Break out the blusher. Flushed cheeks signaled that a cave babe was healthy back in the day. Our lovable neanderthals, only using half their brain power, are still intoxicated by it.
* Lip Colour ~ Not too dark. Not too bright. Not too slick. Not too matte. Tell that to the patrons of most of the bars, clubs and circuses in Cosmopolitan City!

Vera Wanker

2010-08-22T23:09:00.006-04:00

This weekend, I found myself at one of the most upscale bridal shops in Cosmopolitan City. I should preface this by mentioning that I haven’t been to many weddings at all (let alone trying to plan one). I’m pretty much a nuptual novice. Perhaps I should have brought an entourage to help me find a dress, however I felt that I would have an easer time on my own. Having an easy time at Upscale Bridal Shop was not meant to be.

Quite typically, I encountered the worst of the stereotype of the hoity-toity salesperson. It was so Pretty Woman. Ummmm, ladies, please remember… You work there. I shop there. ‘Nuff said. Trust me - if I didn’t have the gold Visa limit of my mother, the spare-no-expense-for-the-love-of-god-you’re-finally-getting-married June Cleaver-Blogshaw, I wouldn’t have bothered walking through the door. Jeez!

Apparently, according to the Vera Wankers, it’s simply scandalous to ask if the famed designer would create such an ungodly concoction as a cocktail or tea length dress. The horror! You would have thought that I’d asked where the collection of polyester dresses was… I also had the nerve to ask if any of the Wankers were available to help me, as most were just sitting around looking average. After much dissatisfied clucking and rolling of the eyes, I was told that they only work by appointment. Of course. Since when did wankers become important enough to work by appointment only??? In my experience, you certainly don’t need a good time to have a Vera Wanker!

Today's Funny

2010-08-08T21:37:00.003-04:00

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband at home watching tv. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past 6 months. He won't go to counselling. I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John

Everyone wants to marry their g spot...

2010-08-02T19:35:00.007-04:00

... only I get to!!! Yep - I love my g spot so much I’m going to marry it…
… No, really, I’m going to marry my G Spot!!!

This is a very exciting development in the long and drawn out love life of Carrie Blogshaw. Finally, after years (and years, and years…) of dating emotional f*ckwits, alcoholics, workaholics and megalomaniacs, I will marry my Mr. Blog.

My relationship with G Spot has been the most rewarding and positive experience that I’ve had. And I’ve had lots. Yes, the thought of a lifelong commitment was previously scary, but now it feels right. I should be so lucky to spend my time (yes, all of it… the good, the bad and the ugly…) with someone this fabulous. What’s to fear?

Now, I have to start planning the wedding. This must be taken seriously, as people don’t get to marry their g spots every day and I’m sure everyone will want the very best. In the true theme of marrying a g spot, I’ll try to choose a venue that’s truly storied and rough around the edges. It will have to be hard to find, but when we get there, it’ll be soooo worth it!

Today's Funny

2010-07-25T21:10:00.003-04:00

BP announced this morning that they installed a wedding ring around the leaking pipe and it quit putting out.

In Sickness And In Health

2010-07-18T19:02:00.007-04:00

Trust me, I don’t take good health for granted. I am in awe of people who never get sick. I tend to get every virus going, along with a host of many other (often unspeakable) ailments. My lover, the intensely immune G Spot, never gets sick. In the year and half that we’ve been together, he’s been forced to listen to me hack like an iron-lunged smoker, blow my nose like a heavy-using coke head and experience nausea that forced us to leave a restaurant before getting to the meal. Ahhhhhhh, the romance of it all.

This week, in truly spectacular form, G Spot became ill. Instead of staying home and wallowing in his misery, he headed straight to the ER. He had to. I rushed to the hospital to be with him and had to wait an agonizing half hour before anyone would help me find him. Ahhhhhhh, the healthcare system.

Now, I didn’t need an emergency to make me realize how much I love my lover. I am always well aware. The panic that set in was new for me. I am a good worrier, but I usually worry only about troublesome things at hand (I’m not a doomsday worrier). This situation, however, made me panic about something going wrong. I hadn’t prepared for the worst. Given that G Spot was always well, I had never anticipated him being unwell. I was gripped with fear. Thankfully, it ended well and he is going to live!

We have certainly experienced the ugliness of sickness. Together, we have now endured intense nausea, vomiting, wretching, heaving, bile bags that runneth over, burst cysts, infected ingrowns, boob rashes (seriously…) and runny noses. Aren’t we glam???!!! In health, no problem. In sickness, pass the barf bag – I’m in it for the long heave, I mean, haul!

The Story Of My Life

2010-07-17T00:02:00.015-04:00

You’re riveted – I know. As passed on by blogger Carly Findlay (click on title for link to her blog), here is my meme (gotta love any request that has the word “me” in it twice!):

But wait – what’s a meme?
In the context of web logs / ‘blogs / blogging and other kinds of personal web sites it’s some kind of list of questions that you saw somewhere else and you decided to answer the questions. Then someone else sees them and does them and so on and so on.
~ This is according to The Daily Meme (they should know)

Here’s mine:

What experience most shaped you and how?
Being diagnosed with a chronic illness at the age of 10. I don’t discuss it on this blog, as it doesn’t have much to do with dating, mating and relationships, but it forced me to take responsibility for myself at a young age. I had to be more mature than my friends and it taught me the value of life. It shaped me more than anything I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve been around the block a few times…

What would you do with a whole day of no commitments?
Nothing. I crave doing nothing. There’s just always something…

What food and drink would you never give up?
food: chocolate
drink: champagne

Give me a savoury recipe that doesn’t include cheese
Just remember – you asked me!!! This recipe comes from The Barefoot Contessa and I’ve never met anyone who didn’t like it:
Roasted Asparagus
Snap bottoms off asparagus
Place spears on a baking sheet sprayed with Pam or such the like
Cover in good olive oil and sprinkle with coarse salt and freshly ground pepper
Bake in hot oven (425 F) for 20 – 25 mins
(you could finish it off with cheese, but trust me, it’s not necessary)

If you could travel anywhere, where would it be and why?
Fiji – it looks like paradise and I’d like to see if it actually is.

If you were the leader of your country, what would you do?
I would not increase taxes without increasing services.
I would stop taxing the savings of hard working people who are already paying income tax.
I would not charge land transfer tax on condos, which are built up. How is it possible to charge land transfer on a piece of sky? I would not be sh*tty like that.

If you could spend one day in another person’s body, whose would it be?
Is this a trick question? Come on… Obviously, I would be Ricky Gervais.

Which woman author do you admire and why?
Obviously, I admire Helen Fielding, who wrote the story of my life. I also admire Margaret Mitchell, a Pulitzer Prize winner, who wrote my favourite book, Gone With The Wind. I cried when I finished it. It was a perfectly detailed, thoroughly researched and totally gripping read. She was an incredibly talented author who died tragically before her time.

Passing the meme to:
The Uneasy Writer
Scandalous Housewife
Fin

Today's Funny

2010-07-04T19:10:00.003-04:00

Golf on Wednesdays

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?' Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays, but on Wednesday, I play golf.

Today's Funny

2010-06-29T20:37:00.004-04:00

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.

Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support

Sports, ballet and other relationship atrocities...

2010-06-27T19:17:00.012-04:00

I had to watch World Cup football for my boyfriend today. When the request was first made, I was shocked and dismayed. However, I realized that I might have to ask G Spot, my FIFA-loving lover, to participate in something that he might not like at some point. As a result, we ended up at a bar watching the game with the most dedicated fans. At 9.30 in the morning. On a Sunday.

Now, I'm quite girly, so this was a big stretch for me. At any given time, I'd rather eat a bowl of my own hair than watch sports. I don't care for high stakes games, championships or Olympics. I sat there this morning, staring at the screen in the same just-saw-a-ufo expression that my mom had when I tried to teach her how to use the internet. Clueless.

My question is: are we supposed to try to care or are we just supposed to fake it? I will never care for sports and that's final. Of course, I want to support G Spot and if he's interested, I'll listen and watch. What if I was, say, a fan of romantic comedies... I think I would be okay if G Spot pretended to care a bit and let me watch a dvd or two. I would appreciate it if he would go to the theatre with me, but I don't think I'd expect it often - why torture someone knowingly (unless they've really p*ssed you off...)?

Really, this morning taught me to both fake it and pretend to care. Because he cares, I care (a teeny bit). I will admit that it added a dimension to G Spot's persona, as I've never really seen him as a sporto until today. I also didn't know he had the capacity to drink that many alcoholic beverages before noon. So be it. Now that I've sat through a soccer match and survived, I'm sure G Spot will be eagerly anticipating the opera, ballet or Oprah that he will be forced to watch in the near future!

Thought For The Day

2010-06-21T21:33:00.005-04:00

Happy. Fucking. Monday.

Clothes Men Love But Women Hate

2010-06-20T20:46:00.007-04:00

Yes!!! Further to the post below on the clothes that women love but men hate, the tables have now been turned. I love it when that happens! Due to popular demand by women after our faves were trashed by the lifestyle gurus at Yahoo.com, a list of the most offensive male attire has been published. See below for highlights:

* Mandals ~ Hell, no! There is nothing worse than a man in sandals. I cannot tell you what a bigger turnoff would be for me, save for a man in socks and sandals. I feel sick just thinking about it. Ew. Any man who dares to wear sandals after this post has been published must only do so after having a proper pedicure, which means that no man will be seen wearing sandals ever again. Phew!
* Muscle Tops and Sleeveless Undershirts ~ The wifebeater denotes a few things: the fact that one might actually be a wife beater; trailer park; laziness (is it that hard to put on a shirt?). Don't kill the mystery for us - we want to imagine the bulging biceps beneath those sexy long sleeves and then be disappointed after.
* Ed Hardy Shirts ~ Women just don't like having men be more blinged out than us. It's like wearing something bedazzled or fringed and for the love of gawd, if Jon Gosselin is all over it, you just know its wrong.
*Baggy Pants ~ Seriously. Just look at the picture above. What's going wrong here? Loaded diaper? Poopy pants?? Ass reduction surgery??? Yeesh.

Quote of the Day

2010-06-15T21:59:00.001-04:00

"Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve."
~ Andy Rooney

ew

Clothes Women Love But Men Think Are Ugly

2010-06-13T20:37:00.006-04:00

Waaaahhhhh..... Some of my faves have made the list. The lifestyle gurus at Yahoo.com have published a list (click on title above for link) of fashion crimes according to men. Here goes:

* Ugg boots ~ Fair enough. They earned their name honestly, Ugg being short for "ugly boots" according to the Aussies. I don't own any. I am aware how they make women look
* Harem pants ~ Yeah. They didn't look good on MC Hammer in the early 90's. They didn't look good when they became trendy for 5 seconds last spring. They don't look good in pictures, they don't look good on models and they don't look good on you
* Hoop earrings (the HUGE ones) ~ It's so J. Lo. I fell victim to this craze in the late 80's. I dropped the hoops when Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation dropped off the charts
* Booty shorts ~ Seriously. Have you seen my ass lately? Have you seen your ass lately?? I urge all women under the age of 25 to get a good rear view before wearing these outdoors. All women over the age of 25 should be shot if caught wearing these outdoors
* Sweatpants with words on the butt ~ Why would it matter if they have words on the butt? Women should not wear sweat pants full stop
* Gladiator sandals ~ Totally agree. They are SO unsexy
* Leggings ~ This hurts me. I wore them today. I wore them yesterday. And the weekend before that. And the weekend before that incredibly comfortable weekend. Seriously???!!! Are they that unsexy? How can something that feels so good be so undesirable?? Don't men understand that the look of confidence radiating from our faces is due to nothing more than a high lycra content and elastic waistband???

Quote of the Day

2010-06-06T19:55:00.002-04:00

"Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill."
~H.L. Mencken (via @SexCigarsBooze)

The Men You Should Never Marry

2010-06-04T20:12:00.006-04:00

Perhaps, someday soon, someone will write an article about the type of man one should marry. In the meantime, here are weirdos to watch out for. These tips have been brought to us by National Moderate News Magazine. The main correspondent, quite shockingly, is Father Pat Connor, an 81 year old priest from New Jersey. I know, I know... it seems so wrong. Like, what the hell would he know? Well, he's been listening to the real housewives of New Jersey complain in the confessional for decades and has passed on these transcendental tips:

* Money really is important in a relationship. Father Pat's words: "Yes. Yes. Yes, to that one." Ew. That was waaaaay too many yes's coming from a priest. Ew.
* Never marry a man who cannot hold down a job. Ew. Ew ew ew. Ew.
* Never marry a man who has no friends. Fair enough. Linking yourself to Johnny No Mates means he'll never take off for a boys weekend and leave you the eff alone.
* Never marry a man who is more affectionate in public than in private. Why?!
* Never marry a man whose first wife had to sue for child support. The first wife. Child support. Welcome to dating in your 30's. Isn't it glam?
* If you feel no physical attraction to him, don't marry him. Unless he's Trump. Or Hef. Or King. Or an oil baron. Or a CEO of a large multinational. Or...
* Never marry a man who notices all your faults but never his own. Yowza - Father really does know best!

Quote of the Day

2010-06-02T21:34:00.004-04:00

"There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted."
~Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour (via @SexCigarsBooze)

Thought For The Day

2010-05-29T12:40:00.007-04:00

I would like to take the time to point out that people who criticize or try to find fault in your or my relationship are miserable in their own relationship. So, to all the haters, as my mother, the intolerant June Cleaver Blogshaw would say, please f*ck off and die.
Thanks

One of these things is not like the other...

2010-05-26T20:46:00.004-04:00

… and isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t it also good that I resisted the urge to quote the lyrics to “Opposites Attract” as the title of this post?? Isn’t it too bad that I couldn’t resist using the picture of Paula Abdul and Scat Cat to get the point across??? What has become of me?!

This post is dedicated to my lover, G Spot, who seems to feel that we have more differences than similarities. I disagree. Yes, we are very different people, however I believe that the things we do have in common are important enough to outweigh our differences. Here are some of the things that we don’t have in common:

* Temperament – he’s calm, cool and collected. I’m a raging spitfire. So?
* Motivation – I walk my talk. He watches.
* Planning – In my opinion, there’s nothing like a solid five year plan. He's better with a five hour plan.
* Fighting – He fights fair. I’m a steamroller.

Below are things we do agree on:

* Long Term Goals – Yep, seems we both want the same things.
* Family – Agreed that both of ours are crazy. Agreed that we both still need the madzers in our lives.
* Career – Yes, it’s important. No, it’s not the most important.
* Politics – We both hate politicians equally.
* Religion – Agreed to disbelieve.

Seriously, people… How fun and exciting would relationships be if we were the same as each other? What would two people who are eerily alike ever learn from each other?? How could two people with the same strengths and weaknesses ever grow and challenge each other??? And, most importantly, how could 2 people who are exactly the same ever have knock down, drag out fights that end in passionate and orgasmic make-up sex???!!!

Yes, opposites attract. Yes, opposites can detract. The thing that seems to be the most important is that our differences should be complimentary. Where I am weak, G Spot is strong. I think this is a winning combination. Having two Carrie Blogshaws in a relationship, though it does sound fabulous, might be a bit much. Same with having two G Spots. Ummm, wait a minute...

Today's Funny

2010-05-25T21:44:00.004-04:00

I am posting this joke in honour of my PMS and all the poor fools who will be affected/haunted/harrassed by it this week:

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is
ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his
chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Trauma of the Day

2010-05-24T18:56:00.006-04:00

I just read an article in National Moderate Womens Magazine that maintains the female orgasm is genetic. I'm barfing and have an image in my head that I might have to beat out with the spiky heel of one of my coveted Valentino bow shoes.
Apparently (and disgustingly...), a 2005 study at the University of Chicago found that DNA influences how frequently women hit a high note during sex and when self-stimulating. Thanks, Ma!!! ew.....

Today's Funny

2010-05-24T11:03:00.006-04:00

A lesson in anger management.

~ courtesy of SexCigarsBooze via Twitter (click on title for larger image)

Thought For The Day

2010-05-23T20:34:00.003-04:00

If the skin on my ass could give me the finger, it would.

10 Things You Can Never Say On A Date

2010-05-12T13:50:00.008-04:00

According to the relationship-relevant researchers at TremendousNews.com, there are 10 things you should never say on a date. In hindsight, and I'm cringing as I write this, I see that it's a miracle that I'm still dating. Here goes:

1. "You remind me of my ex." ~ This is like going to a job interview and the boss says You remind me of exactly the type of person we fire. Yep. I compared my current lover, G Spot, to one of my former lovers, The Tortured Artist Who Runs Like a Girl. However, I made the comparison after we'd been dating for a while and I was comparing their looks and life experiences (similar). I would like to add that G Spot does not run like a girl. He is a very manly runner. Oh Gawd...

2. "You remind me of my dad." ~ Just say You’re never getting laid. OH GAWD.... I made this comparison last weekend!!! They are very similar... I haven't gotten laid since.

3. "Does this look infected to you?" ~ If it’s debatable, it’s not presentable. I did happen to point out a shoulder injury to both G Spot and Emotional Fuckwit '08 when I started seeing them. It was hard to hide, as I was limping around like the hunchback of Notre Dame. It was hot.

4. "I forgot to take my meds." ~ Anti-rapist pills? Diarrhea? When we wonder, we start with those. Okay, I have used this as an excuse not to stay the night...

5. "So I read on Google that you..." ~ We want to be courted, romanced, then creepily stalked. Don’t upset the order. Oh come on! Of course we should be googling each other. For the love of safety and security, let this one go!!!

6. "You're late. Are you screwing someone else?" ~ Yes! Let’s keep it short, I’m late for another screwing appointment. No one's ever been late for a date with Carrie Blogshaw.

7. "You don't watch that 'To Catch a Predator' show, do you?" ~ Be proud. It’s network TV. I watch it. I ask. I'm still dating.

8. "I have the worst hemmorhoid." ~ You can compare this one to others? Think of what the future will bring. Come on, people. COME. ON.

9. "I only brought enough money for what I got." ~ Nothing’s hotter than poorness. Please. I always bring enough money for 2 cups of tea...

10. "I've already sent you a friend request on Facebook." ~ So you can’t ever, ever leave me. So I have a big social network.... SO???!!!

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

2010-05-09T21:14:00.005-04:00

Yep, so I'm another year older and another year uglier. I have now fallen even deeper into my dirty thirties and, gawd help me, I'm only one year away from technically being in my dreaded mid-thirties. I feel sick.

I recently came across my great aunt's old passport. Her marital status was listed as 'spinster.' She was 5 years younger than I am now. Once more, I feel sick.

I still cannot shake the fact that I am, for all intents and purposes, Bridget Jones. Now, I love Bridge. We all do. However, as hapless and lovable as the character is, I don't actually want to be the character. What am I even talking about - by the end of the second book, wasn't she engaged to the lovely Mr. Darcy???!!! Great. I'm a step or two behind Bridget Jones. I know I shouldn't feel this way, that I should just embrace my sexy spinster status, but it's still a bit of a private nightmare for me. And my mother. It also doesn't help that, when I tell people my age, they have one of the following reactions:

* the stunned, open-mouthed, slack-jawed look
* the shocked gasp
* the offering of sympathy ~ "Oh, I understand. It took me a long time to get my life together, too..."
* the look of pity and fear (my personal fave and the most common)
* the "oh, but you look so young" offering. yeah, whatever - tell that to the skin on my ass!

Today's Funny

2010-05-06T19:21:00.003-04:00

I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon, he called and said that he didn't think it was a good idea because he wanted to be "just friends."
So, I hung up and called him back. When he answered, I said, "Hey, friend, it's me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?"

~ Katina Corrao at Comix in NYC (courtesy of Readers Digest)

If It's Not One Thing, It's My Mother: Cold Front

2010-05-03T21:04:00.008-04:00

Wow! Just when I thought it couldn't get more bizarre on the other side of Cosmopolitan City, I had my mother tell me about her weekend. Yikes. Her story, like many others, shows how very, very hard men are to train. Properly.

Ward and June, tired from having moved into their new digs, decided to kick back and watch some telly. In true form, my technologically-challenged father, Ward, broke the television in the family room. According to my mother, the tuned-in and tormented June Cleaver-Blogshaw, Ward walked into the bedroom, stole the remote from her hot little hands and turned on a movie about war (zzzzzzz!) that he'd already seen. June asked him if he remembered that he'd already seen that movie and he said he did remember (the cheek!). June stormed out of the bedroom and was forced to re-watch Come Dance With Me (an old Richard Gere/J. Lo vehicle that no decent person should be forced to watch once, let alone twice). She was so pissed that she slept in the guest bedroom and didn't speak to Ward until the next day.

Ward, having perhaps clued in earlier, feigned ignorance the next day... June asked him if he knew why she'd slept in the guest room the night before (ahhhh, passive aggressive questioning - an oldie but a goodie!!!). Ward responded that he must have been snoring. Wrong! June asked him what he might have done the night before that would have pissed her off (passive-aggressive, indirect and hostile!). Ward, predictably, had no clue. June threw her hands up in despair and advised him to "f*ck off and die."

The moral of the story? There isn't one. This is simply an observation that, after 35 years of training, my father is just as clueless and my mother is just as harried as the were when they got married.

Dating Tips: 9 Things Happy Couples Talk About

2010-05-02T20:34:00.006-04:00

According to a recent study published in Psychological Science (and reported by Yahoo.com - click on above link), there are 9 conversation topics that separate happy couples from bitter, warring couples. This is a relief, because G Spot and I actually talk about more than just 9 things and most of our exchanges are positive! The 9 comely convos are:

1. Embarrassing Moments I am happy to report that G Spot and I are able to discuss our embarrassing moments. Well, perhaps we spend a bit more time talking about my embarrassing episodes than his... I've told him about the ridiculous things I did in high school, the idiot moments of my early twenties, the idiot moments of my early thirties, the idiot moments of last week.....

2. Political Viewpoints Yes, we can talk about politics, but it isn't pretty... G Spot is more liberal and much more of a bleeding heart than I am. It may not be easy or without debate when we talk politics, but we can talk politics (just don't get us started on religion)...

3. Fears and Insecurities Yep, we talk about this, too. It turns out that we both have fears and insecurities. I'm finding this out now, because I never really bothered talking to boyfriends about this kind of stuff in the past. I didn't want to seem weak, and I suspect they didn't, either. So, instead of appearing weak, the relationships were weak and didn't last. Interesting...

4. Childhood G Spot has heard the stories and seen the pictures (I can't help it - I was so cute!!!). I know about his ninja, skateboarding and Wall Street phases and he knows about my skating, skateboarding and drunk-grunge-party girl phases and we're still together.

5. Past Relationships Yeah, this part's really no fun, but it has to be done. We are both aware of where we've been and who we've done. I do believe it's important to discuss the past in order to shed insight into how our experiences have shaped who we are in our current relationship. I have found that analyzing my past has enabled me to identify what is important to me now and, also importantly, what is not.

6. Family Life My family is crazy. His family is crazy. End of conversation.

7. Current Events He reads. I watch TMZ. He enlightens me on international goings on and I update him on the state of Brangelina's marriage, the Sandra and Jesse affair and the fact that Lindsay Lohan was spotted with white powder on her shoes... And he still loves me.

8. TV and Movies As mentioned above, the talking about the TV is my territory. In turn, he tells me about all the movies and documentaries he has seen, as that is more his scene. See? Yin and Yang.

9. The Future Yes, we've discussed it. We've pondered, questioned, trouble-shooted and forecasted. It's tricky territory and not for the faint-hearted, but neither are relationships!

Today's Funny

2010-04-28T19:41:00.008-04:00

Men are like laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why...

Men are like chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.

Men are like department stores.
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

Men are like government bonds.
.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like snowstorms.
You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like parking spots.
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Your Cheatin' Heart

2010-04-25T20:28:00.007-04:00

Seriously – what the eff is going on here??? I’ve never heard as much about cheating in my life as I have in the past few months. My first exposure to a cheating scandal was in my youth, when Price Charles famously two-timed Princess Diana with “the rottweiler” Camilla Parker-Bowles. As if that wasn’t shocking enough, then came Hugh Grant’s famous fellatio scenario with the lovely and demure Divine Brown.

News of wrecked romances dominate the headlines in Hollywood. The amount of cheating that’s been going on since the golden age of entertainment can’t possibly compare to the insane amount of philandering that’s happening now. Lately, we had the David Letterman scandal, followed closely by the Tiger Woods scandal. Aterwards, Jesse James. Now, Larry King. For f*ck’s sake, even Larry King can get it whenever he wants it. Jeez!

Now, I take issue with the convenient excuse of these cheeky cheaters suffering from “sex addiction.” Riiight. I do believe that it must be really hard for famous men to resist the temptation of hot, young girls (or even semi-hot, older women) throwing themselves in their direction. It must be tough. However, if it’s so easy to give in to temptation, then why are these guys getting married? Perhaps, if they are going to be surrounded by hotties all their lives, they should just go for it and forget about commitment. Even Hugh Hefner agrees and has been quoted as saying “...this whole idea that it’s a sex addiction is a cop-out.” When Hef’s not supporting that notion, you know it’s crap!

Let’s put this in terms that I can relate to. I will admit to having a weakness for, if not tall, dark & handsome men, then definitely, shopping. Let’s say that every time I left my house there were throngs of beautiful shoes, handbags and dresses waiting for me… I have a penchant for such things and would likely find it difficult to walk past the temptation all the time without eventually giving in. I’d be the best dressed b*tch on the block…

Ladies, do you think it’s possible for a man to be faithful throughout an entire relationship? If women like Princess Di, Elizabeth Hurley and Sandra Bullock can’t keep a man’s attention, can we?

Men, is it out of the realm of possibility to be faithful to a woman within a committed relationship for its entirety? Are these famous philanderers exceptions to commitment or is Tiger’s woody simply famous because it got caught?!

Out of sight, out of mind?

2010-04-12T20:57:00.020-04:00

Nope! Look at us grow! Yep, my worldly lover, G Spot and I took a mini break together to the beautiful, exciting, expensive and expansive city of New York. The trip involved a lot of careful planning and itinerary-arranging on my part (apparently this is an area of great challenge for most men...), but it was well worth it. Knowing that we can travel together without incident (or insolence) is a nice lesson learned. Phew!

After our successful city tour, I continued on to a week long vacay with Ward and June at Shady Pines in Sunny Southern State. It was a fabulous and much needed vacation, especially considering the copious amount of careful planning and itinerary-arranging that I had been up to for weeks before... Now, G Spot and I have been separated by vacations before, but this time was really tough. After a few days of soaking up the sun by the pool and checking out the sad state of silver foxes driving bright red, convertible Mercedes while checking out their neighbours daughters (ew!), the pangs of absence became pronounced. Things worsened throughout the remainder of the trip. By the last day, although the thought of having to leave to go back to real life was dissatisfactory the thought of not being able to connect with my G Spot for another day (I know, I know!!!), was too much to bear.

Contrary to many of my past dating experiences, I was actually looking forward to seeing G Spot when I returned. We had a nice reunion at the really romantic airport terminal (where I was sweating like a whore at customs trying to smuggle all my vacay loot into Cosmopolitan City) and great sex afterwards, proving that not only does absence make the heart grow fonder, but abstinence makes the heart grow fonder, too!

Over or Under? How do you roll???

2010-03-23T20:10:00.017-04:00

You know what? Who really cares as long as someone actually does change the freaking effing goddamn roll after they've finished with it???!!! Nothing says "I care deeply about you" by leaving one to drip dry while the replacement roll is stored in the secretive and sneaky hiding spot of under the bathroom sink... Jeez!

This post is dedicated to my favourite lover, G Spot. My prized personal pleasure center and I have reached the stage in our relationship where we are trying to determine our compatability along the dimensions of being able to stand each other long term. We seem to score high on important dimensions such as shared goals, desires and core values. We have low scores along beliefs in life after death, the use of psychics to provide guidance in our lives and that men are able to accomplish necessary tasks as well as women. They can't. They just bloody well can't.

Like most couples, we differ on a few dimensions that are domestic in nature. Actually, we seem to differ on most dimensions that are domestic in nature... Such as, you ask? Well, besides the dreaded non-replacement of the loo roll, there is also:

* Unruly manhandling of the washroom handtowels. This was the first domestic directive that I had to issue, but so far so good. Now, they lay on the towel rack disheveled, but not totally bedraggled. That's progress.

* The throwing of my beautiful tufted silk coverlet from Madly Expensive Home Decor Store on the floor with reckless abandon, but it's done in the name of mad, passionate sex, so I therefore excuse it.

* The hiding of empty containers in the fridge. Isn't it cute when men finish the milk and then put the empty carton back in the fridge and then complain when there is no milk? Isn't it cute when they do that with the orange juice, too?? And the sugar free Kool Aid that is really meant for my enjoyment???

Today's lesson? Over. Under. Upside down. Rightside up. I'm not fussy. Just bloody well change the damn thing at the right time and we can continue to live our lives as we have come to know them. That, men, is the recipe for domestic bliss on all dimensions!

If It's Not One Thing, It's My Mother: Back Off!

2010-03-10T21:13:00.010-05:00

JE-SUS! I had the opportunity to spend an afternoon with my mother, the lovely yet painfully direct and therefore hurtful, June Cleaver-Blogshaw. It was very, very nice of my mother to take me to the hospital to endure a painful medical procedure. It was not nice of her, however, to verbally and emotionally abuse me afterwards...

Having returned to her condo and in intense pain, I took some time to have a rest. After a few minutes, I was beckoned by everyone's favourite mercenary matriarch:

June Cleaver-Blogshaw: "Carrie, can you bring me my Coke?"
(contrary to what everyone might think, she meant her glass of Coke, and not a line of coke, but I can plainly see how her demand could be misconstrued...)
Carrie Blogshaw: "I'll be right there..." (when my head stops pounding and I can heave myself off this oasis of a couch...)
June: "But fill it up with a new Coke from the fridge first - I don't like it to be flat"
Carrie: ~ sigh ~

After delivering Her Highness's libation of choice, she announced that the date had been set for my brother, the provocative planner, Beavis Blogshaw's, wedding. The great news? They chose my birthday weekend. Fabulous. Not only will I have to participate in the wedding and be judged by friends and family alike (while wearing a ridiculous and unflattering meringe-like dress), I will have to suffer through the ordeal on my birthday weekend. Yep, of all the weekends in that whole month, they chose to plan their nuptuals on my big day. This is so 'Sixteen Candles'... To top it all off, as one of my smart single gal pals reminded me this evening, my birthday will coincide with their anniversary for the rest of my life. Great - I'll be overshadowed for eternity!

I mentioned to June that it would be the weekend of a milestone birthday for me. She said she knew, but what could she do? I asked if she had mentioned to them (my bro lacks the capacity to remember anniversaries, birthdays and other important dates - an affliction that most men suffer from) that it would be an important weekend for me and if they could choose another of the 4 weekends available to them in that month. The curt conversation went something like this:

Carrie: "Did you mention that it is my birthday weekend?"
June: "No"
Carrie: "Why not?"
June: "Beavis's wedding is more important than your birthday. Weddings trump birthdays."

That ended the conversation.

The moral of the story? I would like to inform you all that I am no longer scared of getting married. Instead, I am greatly anticipating it. In fact, I am planning it right now. All I know so far is that it will be HUGE, both my bro and his fiancee will be in it and it will fall on the day of either my mother or my brother's birthday!!!

from porno to afterglow

2010-02-28T20:06:00.010-05:00

Ahhhhhh, pornography… Typically, I’m not into it. Yes, I am aware that men don’t like to hear that. I find it cheesy, pedantic, grotesquely graphic and unbelievably unromantic. As a woman, I need to be seduced by watching scenes of men romancing women in a fairytale kind of way. It does not do anything for me to watch a guy banging 2 chicks and then jacking off in their faces. Sorry.

Now, I am not against porn. I completely understand that men seem to need it for their sanity and overall general health and I’m okay with that. I would just prefer not to watch it myself. Too often. However, just because I don’t want to see porn doesn’t mean that G Spot doesn’t want to. I’m now at a point in a relationship where I have to compromise on the adult film dimension. Hmmm… To be fair, we had great sex after the porno last night. Not that it’s ever not great, but it was particularly pleasing for me. Perhaps porno has it’s pluses...

The flick we watched was a classic Ron Jeremy film from the ‘70’s. I had an insatiable curiosity regarding the size of his penis, so G Spot (being the confident, well-hung guy that he is), helped me to discover the truth about the hedgehog’s enormous cock (10" - no joke). Perhaps porn has improved since the ‘70’s – I guess I’ll have to give it another go and try a more modern video (is there a chance that one would exist where the dude at least buys the chick dinner first???!!!)... But still, the contrived story lines, unromantic hook ups and dirty, dirty characters just don’t do it for me. Is that wrong? Should I be turned on by a guy with a giant d*ck who will stick it in any port in a storm?? Am I wrong to be totally turned off at the sight of two women giving head to said giant d*ck guy simultaneously and then moving on to a dude named Gary with horseshoe-ring hair who is naked yet wearing cowboy boots???!!! Maybe, if I see something more current and inspiring, I might want to work with G Spot to create our own private porno – how does Carrie Does Cosmopolitan City sound?

What's a little phone sex prank between friends???

2010-02-21T21:52:00.008-05:00

I've had sex in parks, offices, bar bathrooms and balconies. I have never, however, had phone sex. Yet... I must say, after listening to this confusing yet charming chat, that it's nice to see that there is such consistency between phone sex operators. Enjoy!

Happy Valentines Day

2010-02-14T19:33:00.017-05:00

Can you believe it? I am in shock. I have just spent a romantic and intimate Valentines weekend with my fabulous lover, G Spot, for the 2nd year in a row. Wow! My typical "I Hate Valentines Day" party was cancelled yet again this year because I now like Valentines Day. Having spent so very many V Days frustrated and alone, it's still strange for me to enjoy it and especially with the same man as last year!

Being in the luvved up phase of a relationship is so great. However, I am careful not to sound too annoying to my single friends. One of my freakin' funniest spinster friends (what's the male equivalent to spinster??? oh yeah, eligible bachelor.....) recently coined the terms "Couples Appreciation Day" and "Singles Awareness Day", which I find highly amusing and highly descriptive. Having sulkily and reluctantly celebrated Singles Awareness Day for many, many years, I am very happy to be among the ranks of Couples Appreciation Day. I am relieved. I am grateful. I am smug.

I appreciate my relationship very much and have taken the time to stop and smell the roses. I appreciate the time we spend together (all of it). I appreciate the sex (all of it). I appreciate the mornings when I can snuggle into his nook (one of my favourite things in life). I appreciate the way he teases me about my various peculiarities and quirks. I appreciate the time we spend talking and laughing (laughing at my various peculiarities and quirks). I appreciate his kind, thoughtful and gentle nature - so different from what I had become used to. Seriously - single or coupled up, everyone should take the time to appreciate their G Spot today!

Shades of Grey

2010-02-07T20:22:00.007-05:00

There is no easy way to say this. There was no easy way to discover this. Thank the lord I'm in therapy already (and I'm sure my therapist will love hearing about this one)... Well, here goes..... I found a grey hair on my bikini line this afternoon. Wow. I was horrified. I was in disbelief - was it possible that I'm growing blonde hairs down there???!!! I screamed a little bit. I cried a little bit. I barfed a little bit.

Today's discovery led me right back to the episode of Sex and the City when Samantha found a grey hair in the full bush that she had grown for Smith. She was devastated. At the time, I thought the episode was hilarious - definitely one of my faves. Her reaction was priceless and my friends and I laughed and laughed. Now, I am devastated and can totally empathize with Samantha. Who's laughing now???!!!

Samantha was afraid to pluck, in case 4 grow back in it's place. She tried colouring her pubes, which didn't work out... What to do? Like her, I am afraid to pluck, as I don't want 4 more grey bastards down there. I don't want to do highlights (in an effort for the carpet to match the curtains) and I don't want to go bald. What will G Spot think? Should I keep quiet and wait till he notices it?? Should I put a long, grey streak in my hair like What Not To Wear's Stacey London and pretend that it's stylish??? For the love of good genes, even my mother, the follicly fertile June Cleaver-Blogshaw, doesn't have grey pubes.... Perhaps I should move into a retirement villa to make the experience more authentic???!!! There is no shade of grey here - this is a black or white situation where grey is not an option. Yeesh!

"Going to the chapel and I'm...

2010-01-31T20:05:00.008-05:00

... not getting ma-a-arried. Gonna be a bridesmaid and that's really, really sca-a-ary...."

It's official - my little bro, Beavis, has set a date to be married, booked a church and, most offensive of all, his fiancee has asked that I be a bridesmaid in the wedding. Shoot me. As I have maintained throughout my rants - I mean posts - I am very happy for them and wish them all the best. I was looking forward to attending the wedding. I was not expecting to be in the wedding. It's like rubbing salt in a wound. My mother, the cloying event-planner June Cleaver-Blogshaw, is nothing less than thrilled. To ease the process of judgement for all, I'll be standing before everyone just begging to be picked apart like a witch on trial or a whore at church.... wait a minute.....

In summary, I will be forced to participate in the following torture:

* hen party ridiculousness
* shower ridiculousness
* I'll have to work extra hard at the gym to defy the laws of gravity in the meantime
* I'll have to buy and wear what will no doubt be a ridiculous and unflattering meringue-like dress
* I will literally have to stand in front of the jury and be on display for all to point and laugh at like the bearded lady at the circus (and, like said bearded lady, I would like to maintain that I am a victim of circumstance...)

Ohhhhh, and god help me, I'll have to participate in the humiliating ritual of the tossing of the bouquet, which, undoubtedly, I'm doomed to miss, drop or take right in the head!!!

Welcome To The Vajungle

2010-01-24T20:17:00.010-05:00

Today’s word is vajungle - a term coined by one of G Spot’s witty mates. It is by far the best and funniest new word I’ve learned since I heard the term 'cankles' a couple of years ago (continues to crack me up!). Having been single for many, many years, I’ve had to keep up with the changing trends of manicuring as they pertain to my bikini line. Please see below for a chronological list of bikini line trends from my high school years to the present day:

* the full bush: demonstrated by Samantha Jones (as requested by Smith Jerrod) on SATC
* shaving: the ultimate indignity (stubble – yeesh!)
* the regular bikini wax: my personal favourite
* shaping: such as a heart for V-day or something equally as ridiculous…
* the “Telly Savalas” or “Hollywood” bald aesthetic: never appealed to me as I don’t date pedophiles…
* the Brazilian: can't do it - I'm half Italian....

I’m pretty pleased with the current landscape of my bikini line. Having recently seen a naked woman at the gym who appeared to be my age and had an incredibly hairy bikini line, I needed to check with G Spot to inquire if men’s preferences were reverting back towards a 1970’s aesthetic. This is when G Spot advised me of the vajungle. He and his friends have obviously discussed the aesthetics of the vajungle at length (literally!), and it seems that they would prefer not to weed-whack during foreplay. Fair enough.

Relieved to learn that I’m not considered to have a vajungle, I started to think of how much time I spend trimming, waxing and simply considering my bikini line. There have been times in the past where I have waxed for my own comfort, but let me tell you – when you aren’t having sex, waxing seems as unpleasant and unwelcome as a visit from Jehovah's Witnesses at your door on a Sunday morning (or any morning, come to think...). It’s so unfair - G Spot only has to shower before he comes over. Me? I have to trim, wax and pluck before I can f*ck!

If it's not one thing, it's my mother: too much information

2010-01-17T20:26:00.010-05:00

My mother, the lovely yet altogether way too graphic (and apparently arid) June Cleaver Blogshaw, figures prominently in my posts. This is because she is a dominant and overbearing force in my life. Regardless, I do love the woman. Even after what happened this evening…

After a typical Blogshaw Sunday dinner, my mother (having dipped into the Grey Goose, white wine and what looked to be a Vicodin…) started telling jokes about sex. This always makes me nervous, as I have a nightmarish memory of walking in on Ward and June getting it on when I was a pre-teen. The image was horrifying and is burned deep into my memory. I can’t remember what I need to buy at the drug store or what I ate for lunch today, but I sure can tell you their favourite sexual position…

Anyhoo, June made some crack about condoms. Thinking that my parents haven’t had sex since that life-altering, memory-making moment years ago, I jokingly asked what brand she prefers. Well, it turns out she’s a Trojan woman and the convo went something like this:

June Cleaver-Blogshaw: “I like Trojan condoms.”
Carrie: “I prefer the femidom……”
June Cleaver-Blogshaw: “It’s true! Your father and I need to use condoms because I have a very dry vagina.”
~ shock. horror ~
Carrie: “I didn’t need to know that. You don’t do it very often…… right???”
June: “Well, your father does have a heart condition, you know…”
~ barf ~

Now, I’m glad that I have a close relationship with my mother, even if she drives me crazy most of the time. It’s great for mothers and daughters to be able to share stuff, but let me tell you, this sh*t should be off limits. For the love of God, I urge you, no matter what the conditions are, to walk away/cover your ears/hit yourself in the head with the closest iron skillet if your mother ever offers up too much information of that nature. Jeez!

Today's Funny

2010-01-11T20:40:00.002-05:00

SO MUCH FUN

A suspicious husband hired a private eye to check on the movements of his wife. In addition to a written report, the husband wanted a video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a film. They sat down together and proceeded to watch it.

Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man! He saw the two of them strolling arm in arm and laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe. He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw them take part in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," said the distraught husband.

"What's not to believe?" the detective said. "It's right up there on the screen!"

"I simply can't believe my wife could be so much fun!" the husband replied.