Sunday, February 28, 2010

from porno to afterglow

Ahhhhhh, pornography… Typically, I’m not into it. Yes, I am aware that men don’t like to hear that. I find it cheesy, pedantic, grotesquely graphic and unbelievably unromantic. As a woman, I need to be seduced by watching scenes of men romancing women in a fairytale kind of way. It does not do anything for me to watch a guy banging 2 chicks and then jacking off in their faces. Sorry.

Now, I am not against porn. I completely understand that men seem to need it for their sanity and overall general health and I’m okay with that. I would just prefer not to watch it myself. Too often. However, just because I don’t want to see porn doesn’t mean that G Spot doesn’t want to. I’m now at a point in a relationship where I have to compromise on the adult film dimension. Hmmm… To be fair, we had great sex after the porno last night. Not that it’s ever not great, but it was particularly pleasing for me. Perhaps porno has it’s pluses...

The flick we watched was a classic Ron Jeremy film from the ‘70’s. I had an insatiable curiosity regarding the size of his penis, so G Spot (being the confident, well-hung guy that he is), helped me to discover the truth about the hedgehog’s enormous cock (10" - no joke). Perhaps porn has improved since the ‘70’s – I guess I’ll have to give it another go and try a more modern video (is there a chance that one would exist where the dude at least buys the chick dinner first???!!!)... But still, the contrived story lines, unromantic hook ups and dirty, dirty characters just don’t do it for me. Is that wrong? Should I be turned on by a guy with a giant d*ck who will stick it in any port in a storm?? Am I wrong to be totally turned off at the sight of two women giving head to said giant d*ck guy simultaneously and then moving on to a dude named Gary with horseshoe-ring hair who is naked yet wearing cowboy boots???!!! Maybe, if I see something more current and inspiring, I might want to work with G Spot to create our own private porno – how does Carrie Does Cosmopolitan City sound?

Sunday, February 21, 2010

What's a little phone sex prank between friends???

I've had sex in parks, offices, bar bathrooms and balconies. I have never, however, had phone sex. Yet... I must say, after listening to this confusing yet charming chat, that it's nice to see that there is such consistency between phone sex operators. Enjoy!

Sunday, February 14, 2010

Happy Valentines Day

Can you believe it? I am in shock. I have just spent a romantic and intimate Valentines weekend with my fabulous lover, G Spot, for the 2nd year in a row. Wow! My typical "I Hate Valentines Day" party was cancelled yet again this year because I now like Valentines Day. Having spent so very many V Days frustrated and alone, it's still strange for me to enjoy it and especially with the same man as last year!

Being in the luvved up phase of a relationship is so great. However, I am careful not to sound too annoying to my single friends. One of my freakin' funniest spinster friends (what's the male equivalent to spinster??? oh yeah, eligible bachelor.....) recently coined the terms "Couples Appreciation Day" and "Singles Awareness Day", which I find highly amusing and highly descriptive. Having sulkily and reluctantly celebrated Singles Awareness Day for many, many years, I am very happy to be among the ranks of Couples Appreciation Day. I am relieved. I am grateful. I am smug.

I appreciate my relationship very much and have taken the time to stop and smell the roses. I appreciate the time we spend together (all of it). I appreciate the sex (all of it). I appreciate the mornings when I can snuggle into his nook (one of my favourite things in life). I appreciate the way he teases me about my various peculiarities and quirks. I appreciate the time we spend talking and laughing (laughing at my various peculiarities and quirks). I appreciate his kind, thoughtful and gentle nature - so different from what I had become used to. Seriously - single or coupled up, everyone should take the time to appreciate their G Spot today!

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Shades of Grey

There is no easy way to say this. There was no easy way to discover this. Thank the lord I'm in therapy already (and I'm sure my therapist will love hearing about this one)... Well, here goes..... I found a grey hair on my bikini line this afternoon. Wow. I was horrified. I was in disbelief - was it possible that I'm growing blonde hairs down there???!!! I screamed a little bit. I cried a little bit. I barfed a little bit.

Today's discovery led me right back to the episode of Sex and the City when Samantha found a grey hair in the full bush that she had grown for Smith. She was devastated. At the time, I thought the episode was hilarious - definitely one of my faves. Her reaction was priceless and my friends and I laughed and laughed. Now, I am devastated and can totally empathize with Samantha. Who's laughing now???!!!

Samantha was afraid to pluck, in case 4 grow back in it's place. She tried colouring her pubes, which didn't work out... What to do? Like her, I am afraid to pluck, as I don't want 4 more grey bastards down there. I don't want to do highlights (in an effort for the carpet to match the curtains) and I don't want to go bald. What will G Spot think? Should I keep quiet and wait till he notices it?? Should I put a long, grey streak in my hair like What Not To Wear's Stacey London and pretend that it's stylish??? For the love of good genes, even my mother, the follicly fertile June Cleaver-Blogshaw, doesn't have grey pubes.... Perhaps I should move into a retirement villa to make the experience more authentic???!!! There is no shade of grey here - this is a black or white situation where grey is not an option. Yeesh!