Sunday, August 19, 2012

Hungry Eyes

While innocently standing in line to get my morning coffee at Low Price Java Joint in Cosmpolitan City, I was feeling watched.  Having just rolled out of bed and put the nearest skimpy sundress on, I expected that I might maintain the interest of someone...  As I looked up, eyes barely visible beyond my bed head, I saw who was staring.  He checked me out up and down and then his eyes settled on his obviously favourite spot: my boobs.  He was fixated.  He was hot and bothered..  He was, like, 100 years old... 
He managed to make eye contact briefly enough to smile at me.  To his credit, he had all his teeth.  Well, who knows if they're actually his, but he did have teeth.  Being that this has not been a hot summer romance-wise for me, I actually started to wonder: How old is too old?  I am partial to the oldies, but am I wanting to hook up with a Grampy?  A Zadie??  A Nonno???  No.
It's always a compliment to be found attractive by someone.  Clearly, anyone.  This encounter was unique for me in that I've never seen someone so old be so sexually expressive.   So early.  Good for him!.  He honestly looked hungry enough to eat his breakfast bagel off my boobs.  He also lessened the bad rap for all sexy seniors (?!?), as most singletons write off the elderly due to known issues with age-related erectile dysfunction. And bladder control issues.  And saggy skin.  And dentures.  And uncontrolled flatulence.   Well, perhaps old Hungry Eyes just served to reinforce the fact that to men who most likely have few options, Age-Related Macular Degeneration (with possible cataracts) and an overabundance of ear and nose hair, I've got it goin' on!

Sunday, August 12, 2012

The Family Flirt

So, this has not exactly been my summer of blazing romance…
Here’s my latest experience in the disconcerting dating scene.  Perhaps you should grab a drink before reading – I had to!
On holidays in Northern Cosmopolitan City, my parents and I went into the nearest town for dinner.  On the way, we had to stop at the grocery store to grab some grub for later in the week.  While picking peas in the pod outside, I felt someone watching me.  I turned around to find a nice-looking older man (I’m fixated on fossils!) checking me out.  Grocery store pick ups are difficult to navigate, but I felt it might happen.  As I walked into the store, he followed me in and casually looked around everywhere I went.  I was flattered. I was feeling it!  While standing at the cash with my mother, the vainglorious vixen also known as June Cleaver Blogshaw, I pointed out the philandering silver fox.  June’s reaction: “Oh, I thought he was checking me out…”  Um, no.
As we left the store, I felt disappointed and dejected.  How could I have engineered the encounter to include an introduction?  Knowing that we were heading to the restaurant, I thought about how serendipitous it would be if he just happened to be heading there, too.  We had to stop for gas, which was convenient as the restaurant is also the local fuel station.  Fancy, I know.  As my diligent dad, Ward, worked the pump, June and I entered the bistro.  As we walked in, I noticed the silver fox right behind me.  Yes!  I knew that we would be able to focus on our flirtation while inside.  The waitress took us to our table, which was situated in front of the table of a family of four.  With a single mom.  I waited for the silver fox to request a table next to ours.  Imagine my shock and horror as he walked over to the family table.  To take his spot..  With his wife and 3 children…  Ugh!
The worst?  His seat was directly in my line of view.   He spent the entire meal trying not to look directly at me, while stealing glances when the fam weren’t watching.  Um, yeah… No. 
In my long-suffering experience of dating I have experienced all sorts of dubious dilemmas.  I have encountered many types that I have had to learn to watch out for:  The Alcoholic Workaholic, The Sexaholic Workaholic, The Alcoholic Sexaholic Workaholic,  The Stone Wall…  And now, The Family Flirt!