Sunday, March 29, 2009

Blunders, slip-ups and other unforgiveable gaffes

My friends at eHarmony are on a roll and the latest unsolicited piece of advice to land in my inbox refers to the 4 most common dating mistakes that women make. I wondered why this only appealed to women – however when I read the content, it became apparent:

Talking about long-term commitment too soon. Yes, this is directed at women and yes, your man will run for the hills.

Unloading past relationship baggage. Whenever I ask men why their relationships fail, I always get the same answer – that she was a “psycho.” Since all men believe that their relationships end due to horrifying and irreconcilable psychotic behaviour by women, only women would be able to talk about the actual baggage that ruined their previous relationships.

Conducting a job interview. Actually, I don’t agree that this is a mistake. I feel that dates are like interviews and I would like to propose that daters show up with resumes and (professional) head shots. Why? There is a lot of information to remember in a short amount of time and, depending on the number of dates, it’s hard to keep the info straight. Dates are just like interviews but they are typically facilitated by a steady flow of alcohol and are therefore slightly more enjoyable.

Being ungrateful and unappreciative. After years of dating weirdos and experiencing many types of strange situations and psychological torture that I would have preferred not to, I must admit that I appreciate every aspect of non-weirdo behaviour that I experience now and I am very grateful for it.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Hello, Lover

Look at them. Look how beautiful they are. They are without a doubt the most gorgeous booties I have ever seen. For many, MANY months I have wanted to have a relationship with these booties. I have pursued them relentlessly – shamefully, really. Honestly, I have stalked these booties twice a day for 6 months on ebay in an attempt to bring us together. I almost gave up. It was the saddest of unrequited loves and seemed doomed to end in tragedy, like the brief affair between Romeo and Juliet (yes, I do believe this is a fair comparison)… I began to feel that the booties just didn’t want to be with me and it hurt. A lot.

Finally, yesterday, fate stepped in and I was able to purchase the booties. We will finally be together within 5 – 7 business days. We really WERE meant to be! My outfits and I are so excited! I am so very, very happy! I think I have now found inner peace. I guess, sometimes, persistent stalking and raging obsession really pays off.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Relationship Killers a la eHarmony

Just when I think I’ve had my last communication from eHarmony (why, WHY did I ever sign up for that bloody free weekend???), I receive another email that makes me sad for the people who pay good money only to get relationship advice like this. The experts at eHarmony feel that, in order to have a successful relationship, daters should NEVER say the following:

* “Then I guess we shouldn’t be dating!” Ummmm, yeah, then I guess not………

* “Why can’t you be more/less like my ex?” Agreed. If anyone put that kind of comparison on me I’d be running for the hills.

* “I’m just too tired from working all day to help you with that.” I have a demanding job and understand what it’s like to work like a maniac, however I agree with this – people who don’t pull their weight in relationships should be taken out back and shot.

* “Let’s go grave digging!” When the hell has that EVER happened??? Who wrote this sh*t???!!! For those of you who HAVE experienced this, then yes, it IS a relationship killer.

* “Do as I say, not as I do.” Agreed. As far as being bossy and demanding goes, I’d say I’m up there with the bossiest; however I am aware that if I want to boss people around to do stuff, I need to be doing things, too. The only stipulation to this is taking out the trash – that IS undeniably a man’s job and no woman should have to deal with such unpleasantry when there is a capable man around. Besides, we deal with enough of their rubbish....

* “You’re a lousy lover.” I can see how this would not inspire confidence……

* “You knew I was this way when you met me.” Through all the years of dating that I have experienced, I have learned the hard way that it is impossible to change people to be exactly how you want them to be if they are not already that way. Yes, people change as they get older, but not that much. My best friend’s mother once explained that if one is considering getting married and wants to imagine how it things will be further down the road, one should imagine their partner’s worst traits/habits and multiply them by 100. That’s apparently how it will be, so we better pick people who we can stand from the start!

* “No comment.” I don’t think I have EVER been able to withhold comment. Ever. Never.

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

" No offense, but...

... I can't stand your boyfriend." If I had a dollar for every time a friend of mine has said that to me, I would:

* be retired
* be writing this from my charming villa at Lake Como
* scratch that - I’d be writing this from my neighbour/part-time lover George Clooney’s villa at Lake Como (in order to facilitate this, obviously, I would buy him and the reason that he’d only be my part-time lover is because I’d also buy Clive Owen and they’d be competing for my attention…)

For some reason, my friends have no problem sharing their thoughts about my partners. Granted, I haven’t always made the best choices, but I also have never dated a serial killer or anything…… (well, to my knowledge, anyways).

One of my closest friends, a smug married (actually, she’s pretty realistic about life and love), recently admitted that she felt badly having dissed every boyfriend I’ve had in a 10 year period. Not-So-Smug Married took offense to one of my mates in particular - the infamous and regrettable Mr. Hello Wall. She had no problem telling me that she didn’t like him right from the start. I was offended at first, but her intuition turned out to be pretty keen. In fact, she’s been pretty right to dislike many of my suitors. She was not alone – many of my other friends were also brutally honest with me. When everyone is telling you he’s bad news, he probably is. Just look at the lovely Anne Hathaway – she was dating a criminal and her friends were honest about disliking him, however it wasn’t until the police threw his arse in jail that she realized he wasn't a good guy for her.

Is it right to tell friends if their boyfriends/girlfriends suck??? My mother used to warn me against ever doing that, as she figured that if you tell someone that their partner is a loser and then they end up staying together, it would be very awkward. I used to feel that she was right, but now I worry that by keeping quiet, I might be enabling my friends to stay with bad boyfriends, and that’s just not right! Having recently learned that much of the wisdom bestowed on me by my mother now needs to be UNLEARNED (date married men; get him to “dump the bitch”; if a boy teases you it’s because he likes you… ad nauseum………), I’m thinking I need to be more:

* honest
* judgemental
* preechy
* verbose

Note: the book pictured above is an actual book – I know this because I bought myself a copy of the classic ’50 Extended Family Members Worse Than Yours’ a couple of years ago and it was a fantastic read.

Sunday, March 8, 2009

You’re funny looking… You’re stoooooopid… You’re a big, funny looking, stooooooopid meanie-head…

Ahhhhh, the ridiculous words of little boys teasing little girls… Brings back so many memories of being upset and confused by the little buggers. I remember running to my mom whenever a boy would tease me and make me cry. Just like most other mothers, she reassured me that the boy was only teasing me to get my attention. Why? Because he liked me…

Having just seen the movie that is now my favourite film of all time, He’s Just Not That Into You (click on title for link to film trailer), I am inspired to write about the (misguided) concept of boys teasing girls in an attempt to convey affection. The beginning scene in the movie where the little girl is so confused when her mother tried explaining the nature of playground teasing really struck a chord. I remember those times in my youth. I remember who the boys were. I remember what they were teasing me about. I remember which playground each instance occurred in. I remember everything, including what might have been the worst advice I was ever given in life!!!

During our most important and formative years, girls are taught that boys treat them badly because they like them. Then, for the rest of our lives, we seem to make excuses for men who treat us badly… What is happening here? What if boys were teasing us just to tease us, because they really DID think we were big, dumb booger-heads???!!! Now, just like then, look who’s having the last laugh!!!???

I’m wondering if June Cleaver-Blogshaw gave me that advice to shut me up (this is entirely possible and I’m pretty sure that most of what she tells me – even now - is expressly for that purpose). In adulthood, I have made excuses for men who never deserved a chance, yet I excused bad behaviour with the reassurance that he was treating me that way BECAUSE HE LIKED ME!!! How many times have we told our girlfriends that the guy they like is treating them badly because they are:

* Intimidated by her success
* Intimidated by her beauty
* Intimidated by her lifestyle
* Intimidated to commit because he’s never had it so good before and has no benchmark

I must say, it is difficult as a thirty-something woman to realize that I’ve been mislead through that many years. I now have to undo thirty years of misinformation and learn something new. It’s not easy to teach an old broad new tricks… However, it is with great relief that, yet again, I can blame this on my mother.

Thursday, March 5, 2009

There's no such thing as a free lunch

That’s an old expression, but it holds truth. Not sure who coined the phrase, but the people at Unnamed Lunchtime Dating Website have sure figured how to work it! A couple of years ago, one of my friends (a smug married at the time) told me about this website. She said I should try it out – after all, it would just be lunch. How awful/uncomfortable/cringeworthy could an innocuous lunch date be???!!! I used to try everything that my friends told me to do so that:

* They would get off my back
* They would see me trying
* They would feel bad when it turned into yet another dating disaster
* I could blame THEM

Like a good girl, I called the professionals at Unnamed Lunchtime Dating Website. They felt that their program was perfect for me. After all, I was a busy professional who didn’t have a lot of time (or will, at that point) to devote to whoring myself around town. It sounded great. They offered:

* Consultants who would work to find me the perfect mate
* Weekly matches
* Date details carefully planned for me
* A shoulder to cry on if a date turned out to be a psycho…

Sounded good to me! After seriously considering it, I decided that it might not be that bad… Once they knew they had piqued my interest, they pulled out the big guns:

* Psychological profiling!
* Background checks!

Wow! They had me at psychological profiling…. I was IN! The only question that I had was, how much? It is known that, when someone addresses you by your full name, you are in trouble... “Well, Miss Blogshaw… we can offer you our services for the low, low price of $1600.” $1600???!!! I was pretty sure that I could BUY a decent man for that much money! I was reminded of this story today, as I received an email from this company offering a $200 discount… Times are tough, even online. There is only one question I forgot to ask at the time - IS THE LUNCH INCLUDED???

Monday, March 2, 2009

With this ring...

I thee choke to death. No sh*t. I recently saw a report on respected national news channel about the story of a couple who got engaged. For many years, I struggled to understand why men want to get married and I still don’t entirely get it. I had decided long ago that the last thing men want to do is settle down and have a family. Although many people have refuted my belief (including men), I keep hearing stories like this one (gory details to follow), which reaffirm my belief. Here’s what happened:

An American man, who we’ll refer to as Asphyxiator, decided to propose to his longtime girlfriend, who we’ll call LUCKY. Asphyxiator thought it would be great to do something to surprise Lucky, and obviously had a lot of trouble trying to plan something fun, unusual or romantic. He decided to take Lucky to a local fast food joint with a bunch of their friends (for the love of god - just when you think ths story couldn't get any tackier, you find out that he attempted to propose at Wendy's...). There, he decided to slip the engagement ring into her MILKSHAKE. If ever there was a choking hazard, this was it (therefore proving that he really didn’t want to get engaged). I cannot believe how many stories I hear of men hiding rings in food, which makes me wonder what that is all about. Seriously – what is that about???!!!

Needless to say, Lucky choked on the ring but managed to swallow it and survive. Lucky Lucky! Adding insult to injury, she had to pass the ring to actually wear it. Yucky Lucky… Poor Asphyxiator – I guess it didn’t go as planned. I hope for their sakes that they will have a happy life together, however I urge Lucky to sleep with one eye open!