Saturday, October 31, 2009
THE SILENT TREATMENT
A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.
The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.
Wednesday, October 28, 2009
A Woman's Perfect Breakfast
She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Sunday, October 25, 2009
Sunday, October 18, 2009
How much is too much? How far can you go?? What is the maximum tolerance for information overload??? This post is inspired by the fact that, when driving around doing errands this afternoon (which included buying stupidly expensive, yet super sexy, Jil Sander black leather boots), I saw a couple in a minivan behind me (the minivan denotes that there is already something terribly wrong in their relationship). It gets worse. The woman was looking out the window with an expression on her face that convinced me she might be thinking of that window as an escape route. Her lovely mate, the one from whome she rightly should consider fleeing, was picking his nose. With gusto. Right in front of her. I almost barfed.
Still being in the luvved up phase of a relationship, G Spot and I are not rocking the boat by being disgusting in front of each other. At least, not intentionally. Of course, things happen that sometimes render one disgusting, such as the swine flu-like illness that I suffered from a few weeks ago. I didn’t want to disgust G Spot, but I was legitimately ill and it was hard not to cough all over him in a hacking, phlegmy-kind of way. Unfortunate? Yes. Intentional? No.
My question is, at what point, if ever, do people start grossing each other out in relationships? Can relationships really stand it? I knew a strange couple in my university years – they called each other PooPoo and used to think it was funny if they farted on each other, etc… I understand that it’s good to be comfortable in a relationship, but surely there is a limit. My mother, the excessively proper June Cleaver Blogshaw, has never farted in front of Ward. Ever. They have remained married for 35 years. The PooPoo farting couple? They broke up.
Monday, October 12, 2009
According to Dr. Oz (for those of you who have been living under a rock, Dr. Oz is the new Dr. Phil), a woman's biggest sex organ is her brain. The mood has to be right, the food has to be right, the dude has to be right, etc....
Men: do your best to stimulate our heads and we'll do our best to stimulate yours!
Sunday, October 11, 2009
Yes, we all date a guy at some point who we can tell likes us… But does he like like us??? In my youth, one like meant a platonic friendship and two likes meant romance. It’s so high school, but the methods of treatment between then and now haven’t changed if a guy really likes you. If a guy like likes you, he will stop at nothing to be with you. The lovestruck man will make an effort and make you feel like a million bucks. If a guy simply likes you, the treatment is less attentive, less acute...
In a recent article in Cosmopolitan magazine, the author, Jake Hurwitz, enlightens us on the behaviours that we can interpret as someone like liking us:
* We text you between noon and 5pm – Totally true. Men who text at 3am are disrespectful (of your time) and demonstrating that you are a total afterthought (hello, booty call). What’s even better than a daytime text? A man who calls! Someone brave enough to pick up the phone to connect with you is one smitten kitten.
* We schmooze with your pals – If a guy will even take you out with his friends, then he likes you. When he takes the step of hanging out with your crowd and actually makes an effort, he like likes you.
* We take you out during the day – Hell, yeah! Men who are only interested in hooking up at night (and who don’t stay over…) are not sincere. If a guy is willing to hang out with you during daytime hours (complete with unflattering overhead lighting provided by that damned sun…), he has a like like on for you.
* We email you – Admittedly, the email falls in 2nd place between the phone call (#1) and the text (#3) in terms of communicating. If he’s emailing, calling and texting you, congratulations, you’ve found someone who like likes you!
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
SAMANTHA MARRIES???????!!!!!!!! And in Uggs???!!!
But seriously - our favourite "f*ck like a man" narcissistic nympho ties the knot??? She settles down???!!! As proven in the last film, Samantha couldn't handle having a steady boyfriend for longer than a couple of years (resulting in the devastating dumping of the dreamy Smith Jerrod...) and now she's ready to be permanently pinned??? I'm SO confused. If Samantha Jones ends up marrying, then am I supposed to get married, too???!!!
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Yes, I’ve faked it. Many times. Countless, copious, unfathomably many times….. So now, by popular demand, I’m going to let you know all about it.
Faking it is a trick that I’ve found to become very useful as I’ve gotten older and dated such an amazing collection of weirdos. To be honest, I think the first time I faked it was in my late ‘20’s. It had to be done. Luckily, now that I’ve found G Spot, I haven’t had to fake it for a long time. But still, I’d say the “faking it” years amounted to about 3 or 4 – which is 3 or 4 years too many.
The first time I pretended to orgasm was when I was having Superman Sex (see post from 2008). After being verbally abused, made to feel like a whore and - most unimpressively - spat on, I faked an orgasm just to get the whole kinkfest behind me (well, he was already behind me, but that’s not the point….).
The other times that I felt forced to fake it was when I was dating Mr. Hello Wall. In the entire time that we had sex together, I can’t remember if I legitimately came once. Again, in order to get the whole sad sack s*x thing over with, I used to fake him out so that he’d get off me…… I know, I know……… Of course, if I hadn’t faked it, we maybe could have worked on the fact that the s*x was not good for both of us, but when one is endowed like a Paper Mate pencil, it may be worth it to put on the theatrics while simultaneously thinking of creative ways to end the relationship……
In defence of faking it, I have to say that it can force you out of your comfort zone, which is great practice to put a smile on while you’re doing something you hate, which most of us are faced with at some point or another. Really, it’s a good life lesson. Also, I highly recommend it to aspiring actors – I’ve put on some pretty engaging and inspiring performances (oh, if you’d only been able to see what I was working with…..)!
Thursday, October 1, 2009
In a recent interview with David Letterman, Madonna (my hero and yours) was asked if she would get married again some day. Her response? The bitter and exasperated pop icon replied that she would rather "get run over by a train" than get married again... You go, grrrrrlllll!!!
Besides, when you look this good in green ostrich feathers, who needs a hubby???!!!