Saturday, May 29, 2010

Thought For The Day

I would like to take the time to point out that people who criticize or try to find fault in your or my relationship are miserable in their own relationship. So, to all the haters, as my mother, the intolerant June Cleaver Blogshaw would say, please f*ck off and die.

Wednesday, May 26, 2010

One of these things is not like the other...

… and isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t it also good that I resisted the urge to quote the lyrics to “Opposites Attract” as the title of this post?? Isn’t it too bad that I couldn’t resist using the picture of Paula Abdul and Scat Cat to get the point across??? What has become of me?!

This post is dedicated to my lover, G Spot, who seems to feel that we have more differences than similarities. I disagree. Yes, we are very different people, however I believe that the things we do have in common are important enough to outweigh our differences. Here are some of the things that we don’t have in common:

* Temperament – he’s calm, cool and collected. I’m a raging spitfire. So?
* Motivation – I walk my talk. He watches.
* Planning – In my opinion, there’s nothing like a solid five year plan. He's better with a five hour plan.
* Fighting – He fights fair. I’m a steamroller.

Below are things we do agree on:

* Long Term Goals – Yep, seems we both want the same things.
* Family – Agreed that both of ours are crazy. Agreed that we both still need the madzers in our lives.
* Career – Yes, it’s important. No, it’s not the most important.
* Politics – We both hate politicians equally.
* Religion – Agreed to disbelieve.

Seriously, people… How fun and exciting would relationships be if we were the same as each other? What would two people who are eerily alike ever learn from each other?? How could two people with the same strengths and weaknesses ever grow and challenge each other??? And, most importantly, how could 2 people who are exactly the same ever have knock down, drag out fights that end in passionate and orgasmic make-up sex???!!!

Yes, opposites attract. Yes, opposites can detract. The thing that seems to be the most important is that our differences should be complimentary. Where I am weak, G Spot is strong. I think this is a winning combination. Having two Carrie Blogshaws in a relationship, though it does sound fabulous, might be a bit much. Same with having two G Spots. Ummm, wait a minute...

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Today's Funny

I am posting this joke in honour of my PMS and all the poor fools who will be affected/haunted/harrassed by it this week:

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is
ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his
chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Monday, May 24, 2010

Trauma of the Day

I just read an article in National Moderate Womens Magazine that maintains the female orgasm is genetic. I'm barfing and have an image in my head that I might have to beat out with the spiky heel of one of my coveted Valentino bow shoes.
Apparently (and disgustingly...), a 2005 study at the University of Chicago found that DNA influences how frequently women hit a high note during sex and when self-stimulating. Thanks, Ma!!! ew.....

Today's Funny

A lesson in anger management.

~ courtesy of SexCigarsBooze via Twitter (click on title for larger image)

Sunday, May 23, 2010

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

10 Things You Can Never Say On A Date

According to the relationship-relevant researchers at, there are 10 things you should never say on a date. In hindsight, and I'm cringing as I write this, I see that it's a miracle that I'm still dating. Here goes:

1. "You remind me of my ex." ~ This is like going to a job interview and the boss says You remind me of exactly the type of person we fire. Yep. I compared my current lover, G Spot, to one of my former lovers, The Tortured Artist Who Runs Like a Girl. However, I made the comparison after we'd been dating for a while and I was comparing their looks and life experiences (similar). I would like to add that G Spot does not run like a girl. He is a very manly runner. Oh Gawd...

2. "You remind me of my dad." ~ Just say You’re never getting laid. OH GAWD.... I made this comparison last weekend!!! They are very similar... I haven't gotten laid since.

3. "Does this look infected to you?" ~ If it’s debatable, it’s not presentable. I did happen to point out a shoulder injury to both G Spot and Emotional Fuckwit '08 when I started seeing them. It was hard to hide, as I was limping around like the hunchback of Notre Dame. It was hot.

4. "I forgot to take my meds." ~ Anti-rapist pills? Diarrhea? When we wonder, we start with those. Okay, I have used this as an excuse not to stay the night...

5. "So I read on Google that you..." ~ We want to be courted, romanced, then creepily stalked. Don’t upset the order. Oh come on! Of course we should be googling each other. For the love of safety and security, let this one go!!!

6. "You're late. Are you screwing someone else?" ~ Yes! Let’s keep it short, I’m late for another screwing appointment. No one's ever been late for a date with Carrie Blogshaw.

7. "You don't watch that 'To Catch a Predator' show, do you?" ~ Be proud. It’s network TV. I watch it. I ask. I'm still dating.

8. "I have the worst hemmorhoid." ~ You can compare this one to others? Think of what the future will bring. Come on, people. COME. ON.

9. "I only brought enough money for what I got." ~ Nothing’s hotter than poorness. Please. I always bring enough money for 2 cups of tea...

10. "I've already sent you a friend request on Facebook." ~ So you can’t ever, ever leave me. So I have a big social network.... SO???!!!

Sunday, May 9, 2010

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Yep, so I'm another year older and another year uglier. I have now fallen even deeper into my dirty thirties and, gawd help me, I'm only one year away from technically being in my dreaded mid-thirties. I feel sick.

I recently came across my great aunt's old passport. Her marital status was listed as 'spinster.' She was 5 years younger than I am now. Once more, I feel sick.

I still cannot shake the fact that I am, for all intents and purposes, Bridget Jones. Now, I love Bridge. We all do. However, as hapless and lovable as the character is, I don't actually want to be the character. What am I even talking about - by the end of the second book, wasn't she engaged to the lovely Mr. Darcy???!!! Great. I'm a step or two behind Bridget Jones. I know I shouldn't feel this way, that I should just embrace my sexy spinster status, but it's still a bit of a private nightmare for me. And my mother. It also doesn't help that, when I tell people my age, they have one of the following reactions:

* the stunned, open-mouthed, slack-jawed look
* the shocked gasp
* the offering of sympathy ~ "Oh, I understand. It took me a long time to get my life together, too..."
* the look of pity and fear (my personal fave and the most common)
* the "oh, but you look so young" offering. yeah, whatever - tell that to the skin on my ass!

Thursday, May 6, 2010

Today's Funny

I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon, he called and said that he didn't think it was a good idea because he wanted to be "just friends."
So, I hung up and called him back. When he answered, I said, "Hey, friend, it's me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?"

~ Katina Corrao at Comix in NYC (courtesy of Readers Digest)

Monday, May 3, 2010

If It's Not One Thing, It's My Mother: Cold Front

Wow! Just when I thought it couldn't get more bizarre on the other side of Cosmopolitan City, I had my mother tell me about her weekend. Yikes. Her story, like many others, shows how very, very hard men are to train. Properly.

Ward and June, tired from having moved into their new digs, decided to kick back and watch some telly. In true form, my technologically-challenged father, Ward, broke the television in the family room. According to my mother, the tuned-in and tormented June Cleaver-Blogshaw, Ward walked into the bedroom, stole the remote from her hot little hands and turned on a movie about war (zzzzzzz!) that he'd already seen. June asked him if he remembered that he'd already seen that movie and he said he did remember (the cheek!). June stormed out of the bedroom and was forced to re-watch Come Dance With Me (an old Richard Gere/J. Lo vehicle that no decent person should be forced to watch once, let alone twice). She was so pissed that she slept in the guest bedroom and didn't speak to Ward until the next day.

Ward, having perhaps clued in earlier, feigned ignorance the next day... June asked him if he knew why she'd slept in the guest room the night before (ahhhh, passive aggressive questioning - an oldie but a goodie!!!). Ward responded that he must have been snoring. Wrong! June asked him what he might have done the night before that would have pissed her off (passive-aggressive, indirect and hostile!). Ward, predictably, had no clue. June threw her hands up in despair and advised him to "f*ck off and die."

The moral of the story? There isn't one. This is simply an observation that, after 35 years of training, my father is just as clueless and my mother is just as harried as the were when they got married.

Sunday, May 2, 2010

Dating Tips: 9 Things Happy Couples Talk About

According to a recent study published in Psychological Science (and reported by - click on above link), there are 9 conversation topics that separate happy couples from bitter, warring couples. This is a relief, because G Spot and I actually talk about more than just 9 things and most of our exchanges are positive! The 9 comely convos are:

1. Embarrassing Moments I am happy to report that G Spot and I are able to discuss our embarrassing moments. Well, perhaps we spend a bit more time talking about my embarrassing episodes than his... I've told him about the ridiculous things I did in high school, the idiot moments of my early twenties, the idiot moments of my early thirties, the idiot moments of last week.....

2. Political Viewpoints Yes, we can talk about politics, but it isn't pretty... G Spot is more liberal and much more of a bleeding heart than I am. It may not be easy or without debate when we talk politics, but we can talk politics (just don't get us started on religion)...

3. Fears and Insecurities Yep, we talk about this, too. It turns out that we both have fears and insecurities. I'm finding this out now, because I never really bothered talking to boyfriends about this kind of stuff in the past. I didn't want to seem weak, and I suspect they didn't, either. So, instead of appearing weak, the relationships were weak and didn't last. Interesting...

4. Childhood G Spot has heard the stories and seen the pictures (I can't help it - I was so cute!!!). I know about his ninja, skateboarding and Wall Street phases and he knows about my skating, skateboarding and drunk-grunge-party girl phases and we're still together.

5. Past Relationships Yeah, this part's really no fun, but it has to be done. We are both aware of where we've been and who we've done. I do believe it's important to discuss the past in order to shed insight into how our experiences have shaped who we are in our current relationship. I have found that analyzing my past has enabled me to identify what is important to me now and, also importantly, what is not.

6. Family Life My family is crazy. His family is crazy. End of conversation.

7. Current Events He reads. I watch TMZ. He enlightens me on international goings on and I update him on the state of Brangelina's marriage, the Sandra and Jesse affair and the fact that Lindsay Lohan was spotted with white powder on her shoes... And he still loves me.

8. TV and Movies As mentioned above, the talking about the TV is my territory. In turn, he tells me about all the movies and documentaries he has seen, as that is more his scene. See? Yin and Yang.

9. The Future Yes, we've discussed it. We've pondered, questioned, trouble-shooted and forecasted. It's tricky territory and not for the faint-hearted, but neither are relationships!