Wednesday, May 12, 2010

10 Things You Can Never Say On A Date

According to the relationship-relevant researchers at, there are 10 things you should never say on a date. In hindsight, and I'm cringing as I write this, I see that it's a miracle that I'm still dating. Here goes:

1. "You remind me of my ex." ~ This is like going to a job interview and the boss says You remind me of exactly the type of person we fire. Yep. I compared my current lover, G Spot, to one of my former lovers, The Tortured Artist Who Runs Like a Girl. However, I made the comparison after we'd been dating for a while and I was comparing their looks and life experiences (similar). I would like to add that G Spot does not run like a girl. He is a very manly runner. Oh Gawd...

2. "You remind me of my dad." ~ Just say You’re never getting laid. OH GAWD.... I made this comparison last weekend!!! They are very similar... I haven't gotten laid since.

3. "Does this look infected to you?" ~ If it’s debatable, it’s not presentable. I did happen to point out a shoulder injury to both G Spot and Emotional Fuckwit '08 when I started seeing them. It was hard to hide, as I was limping around like the hunchback of Notre Dame. It was hot.

4. "I forgot to take my meds." ~ Anti-rapist pills? Diarrhea? When we wonder, we start with those. Okay, I have used this as an excuse not to stay the night...

5. "So I read on Google that you..." ~ We want to be courted, romanced, then creepily stalked. Don’t upset the order. Oh come on! Of course we should be googling each other. For the love of safety and security, let this one go!!!

6. "You're late. Are you screwing someone else?" ~ Yes! Let’s keep it short, I’m late for another screwing appointment. No one's ever been late for a date with Carrie Blogshaw.

7. "You don't watch that 'To Catch a Predator' show, do you?" ~ Be proud. It’s network TV. I watch it. I ask. I'm still dating.

8. "I have the worst hemmorhoid." ~ You can compare this one to others? Think of what the future will bring. Come on, people. COME. ON.

9. "I only brought enough money for what I got." ~ Nothing’s hotter than poorness. Please. I always bring enough money for 2 cups of tea...

10. "I've already sent you a friend request on Facebook." ~ So you can’t ever, ever leave me. So I have a big social network.... SO???!!!


Carly Findlay said...

My two favourites (not) on and after dates were:

'I need to be honest with you. I take recreational drugs'.


'You weren't the type of girl WE were looking for. I was actually looking for a partner for me and my sister in law'.

Great post :)

Lisamarie and Christelle said...

I guess "I already had your name tattooed on my ass, wanna see?" is out? ;-)

Best, Lisamarie

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