Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Not-So-Desperate Housewife

Oops, no, it’s not OK! Come on, now - this never looked like it was built to last. Of course, it was extremely entertaining. A Hollywood actress. An NBA star. Did I mention that 80-90% of all pro athletes stray? What was she thinking? She had to beg him to marry her. He's French. He’s a basketball great.. He’s 28

I have always believed in the matching theory. This theory maintains that happy and successful long-term couples tend to be matched in attractiveness. Take away Tony’s wallet and fame, and he’s no where near as attractive as the lovely Longoria. It was a match made by Beauty and the Beast. By Larry King and his wife Shawn. By Donald and Malania.. By the ancient oil geezer and Anna Nicole Smith…

Looking on the bright side of things, at least he bucked the trend by recent celebs who lately have screwed their significant others over by trading down and cheating with less attractive women (come on guys, if you’re going to do it, don’t insult us on every level…). At least Tony bagged a babe!

Sunday, November 21, 2010


Yeah, you heard me. It happens to everyone. Everyone in a relationship, that is. From time to time, we all get a case of the relationsh*ts. Relationsh*ts are unpleasant. They can sometimes clear up quickly, but sometimes they repeat with a vengeance. Also troubling is the fact that the relationsh*ts can be catching. One partner may come down with a nasty case of the relationsh*ts, and can quickly transfer the case to the other partner. We all know how pleasant relationships are when both partners have a case of the relationsh*ts... Actually, I must say that relationsh*ts are 100% contagious.

To this day, there is no known cure for relationsh*ts. Some say to drink wine, beer or spirits to ward off the 'sh*ts, but sometimes that can exascerbate the problem. Some people recommend talking about the 'sh*ts until the 'sh*ts are a distant memory. Some people keep their case of relationsh*ts a secret until it becomes so severe that they end up spewing sh*t all over the place. In my experience, it's best to deal with the 'sh*ts immediately and acutely. When it comes to a nasty case of the relationsh*ts, swift action is best. And no amount of bananas, honey or Immodium will solve the problem!

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

With this iconic ring belonging to my infamous, dead mother, I thee wed...

Ummmmmmm... yeah.
Don't get me wrong - I was extremely happy to hear about the engagement of Price William to his lovely gf, Kate Middleton. I was also kind of sad, as I'd always wondered if the Prince and I would have ended up together had we met during my 2 years abroad when I was younger, but I digress...

A fairytale engagement, a fairytale wedding and a fairytale marriage, I'm sure. However, all happiness aside, I must say I'm perplexed about his controversial choice of engagement ring. Would it have been lovely of him to present the mountainous sapphire to her at some point in the future as a sentimental symbol of his respect for his mother and his respect for her? Yes. As the symbol of their intimate relationship as they make the biggest mistake - I mean, as they make the biggest leap of faith of their lives???!!! Hmmmmmm... For the love of Divorce Court, the ring was Diana's engagement ring from Charles, and we all know how that turned out!

Monday, November 8, 2010

Moving. On.

Holy sh*t. Did I mention that G Spot and I bought a place together?? Did I mention that I moved? Did I mention that, therefore, G Spot and I will be moving in together??? In keeping with the theme of the past few months, which is change, we bought a fabulous condo together and will be moving in this Spring. Fortunately, for both our sakes, we don't have to move in together right away. Why is that? Well, it's because I was able to move in with my parents, good old Ward & June. Yep...

Moving out of my former bachelorette pad was painful. I had many good years there. I had many quiet evenings there. I prepared for many dates there. I came home and pondered the existence of useless men there. I brought useless men there. I cried over useless men there. I wrote all previous posts there. It's where G Spot and I had our first touchy feely makeout session. It's where we had s*x for the first time. It's where we exchanged Xmas gifts for the first time. It's where we fought for the first time (but not the last!). It's sad.

In true dating doyenne style, I've passed my love nest on to a savvy, young bachelor. Really, it's as it should be. I now have 6 months in which to prepare myself for cohabitation. I'm sure it will be fun to have a roommate. Maybe we'll have pillow fights, jump on the bed while listening to our fave songs, do arts and crafts... You know, things roommates do... Am I excited for this new phase of coupledom? Yes. Am I scared sh*tless about this phase simultaneously? Yes. Will I miss my former single life, where it was totally acceptable to come home from work, lounge around in ratty t's, watch ridiculous reality shows about dating, eat chocolate for dinner and drink right out of the container? Hell, yes!