Sunday, October 4, 2009

Faking It


Yes, I’ve faked it. Many times. Countless, copious, unfathomably many times….. So now, by popular demand, I’m going to let you know all about it.

Faking it is a trick that I’ve found to become very useful as I’ve gotten older and dated such an amazing collection of weirdos. To be honest, I think the first time I faked it was in my late ‘20’s. It had to be done. Luckily, now that I’ve found G Spot, I haven’t had to fake it for a long time. But still, I’d say the “faking it” years amounted to about 3 or 4 – which is 3 or 4 years too many.

The first time I pretended to orgasm was when I was having Superman Sex (see post from 2008). After being verbally abused, made to feel like a whore and - most unimpressively - spat on, I faked an orgasm just to get the whole kinkfest behind me (well, he was already behind me, but that’s not the point….).

The other times that I felt forced to fake it was when I was dating Mr. Hello Wall. In the entire time that we had sex together, I can’t remember if I legitimately came once. Again, in order to get the whole sad sack s*x thing over with, I used to fake him out so that he’d get off me…… I know, I know……… Of course, if I hadn’t faked it, we maybe could have worked on the fact that the s*x was not good for both of us, but when one is endowed like a Paper Mate pencil, it may be worth it to put on the theatrics while simultaneously thinking of creative ways to end the relationship……

In defence of faking it, I have to say that it can force you out of your comfort zone, which is great practice to put a smile on while you’re doing something you hate, which most of us are faced with at some point or another. Really, it’s a good life lesson. Also, I highly recommend it to aspiring actors – I’ve put on some pretty engaging and inspiring performances (oh, if you’d only been able to see what I was working with…..)!

10 comments:

Scandalous Housewife said...

Honey, take a lesson from your elder ZeX Master: Life's too short to waste a romp with no 'O'. Get in tune with your spot, learn it, live it. Re-focus your thespian efforts to get your 'O' on regardless of the size! I know you can do it...

Carrie Blogshaw said...

I hear you, but is it really possible to have the big one with a partner who is not much larger than the cigarette in your photo???

Scandalous Housewife said...

Carrie,
You are too fab-u-lous! That's why I gave you an award today on my blog! Come on by...

Martinis or Diaper Genies? said...

is it weird that I have never faked it? Before you light fire to my house, I also don't really have that many. I'm just honest. I feel like they should work harder.

Carrie Blogshaw said...

Scandalous Housewife, thanks for the award - it's my first! Obviously, your taste in blogs in flawless and I now consider myself to be your bish.

Carrie Blogshaw said...

Martinis or Diaper Genies - you are correct. If one's attempt at lovemaking is the physical equivalent of throwing a watermelon down a hallway (bad, bad comparison...), then one should come equipped with props, especially if the problem is compounded by the fact that one sucks at sucking!

The Peach Tart said...

Thanks so much for stopping by my blog and following. I am loving your blog and will be back for more.

Don't fake. If a man doesn't have the patience and care about you enough to rock your world, then sweetheart move on.

Funny Girl said...

Hello, thanks for stopping by my blog. You have some good stuff here and I look forward to reading more from you.

Selectively Bitchy said...

Oh damn, you just made my day that was hiliarous!!!

Michelle Custodio said...

Oh, the fake orgasm... What surprises me is not that we are forced to fake in the first place, but how men can be so utterly clueless!