No Kids

That is the topic and title of my favourite new book. This revolutionary tome by Corinne Maier, includes 40 good reasons not to have children. I don’t need forty good reasons (four mediocre reasons, really, would do…), but it’s great that she’s putting it all out there. What’s also great is that she is speaking from experience: she has two kids! My mother has told me many, many times that if she could do her life over again, she wouldn’t have kids (thanks, Mum! Can I borrow some money for more therapy???). Apparently, this author feels the same way.

Many women of the millennium are reconsidering the value of having children. Sure, for some, it may be a rewarding experience, but when serial singletons spend the majority of their ‘30’s focusing on themselves and trying to build healthy relationships with just one other person, the idea of having even more people around to potentially f*ck it up becomes incredibly overwhelming. I’ve spent the past few years in a very specific lifestyle. Just trying to fit someone into that lifestyle, although willingly, is difficult. The author candidly tells women to say goodbye forever to: “…free time, dinners with friends, spontaneous romantic getaways, and even the luxury of uninterrupted thought for the “vicious little dwarves” that will treat you like their servant, cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars, and end up resenting you…”

If the above hasn’t helped you reach a decision, below are 9 of the 40 reasons why Maier feels women should not have children:

* You will lose touch with your friends – You will. All of my friends who have had children over the past few years have definitely dropped off the map. A couple of them did resurface after the first year or so, but it takes a lot of catching up on dating disasters to fill in a year of stories of tragic singledom.

* Your sex life will be over – Mine feels like it might be over just having done the research for this post.

* Children cost a fortune – Take it from Ward and June, kids really do cost a fortune. I cost a fortune!!! Every time I see my poor parents, they offer money out of expectation and pity. I’m a blood-sucking albatross.

* Child-rearing is endless drudgery – Breastfeeding. Sleepless nights. Breastfeeding side effects. Laundry. Cooking. Lessons. School. Homework. Screaming. Crying. Fighting. Toys. Toy stores. Birthday parties. Barf. Need I say more???

* Vacations will be nightmares – I don’t even understand why anyone travels with children. Although my mother may not have had much of a clue about child-rearing, she did know not to take us on vacations until my bro, the youngest, was 6. Why do it to yourself? Why go to the trouble?? The expense??? They won’t even bloody well remember it!!!???

* You’ll lose your indentity and become just “mom” or “dad” – After years of practicing becoming a perplexed singleton on the dating scene, I can’t imagine identifying myself any other way. All that work for nothing??? No way!

* Your children will become mindless drones of capitalism – I did.

* The planet’s already overcrowded – Seriously. Have you ever tried to get a reservation at Babbo in NYC??? Enough said – let’s try to control the population, as I’d like to get in before I die.

* Your children will inevitably disappoint you – Take it from Ward and June – my brother and I are terrible disappointments to them. My god – we couldn’t be more disappointing if we tried. We are both unmarried, much to June’s dismay. We both earn modest salaries and are therefore still on the Blogshaw payroll, much to Ward’s dismay. To all children, unless you become doctors, astronauts or nobel prize winners, all of your perceived achievements will be disappointing. I should have spent less time kissing boys in my youth (I didn’t realize at that time how long I’d be doing that into adulthood) and more time trying to cure cancer…….