Wednesday, March 10, 2010

If It's Not One Thing, It's My Mother: Back Off!

JE-SUS! I had the opportunity to spend an afternoon with my mother, the lovely yet painfully direct and therefore hurtful, June Cleaver-Blogshaw. It was very, very nice of my mother to take me to the hospital to endure a painful medical procedure. It was not nice of her, however, to verbally and emotionally abuse me afterwards...

Having returned to her condo and in intense pain, I took some time to have a rest. After a few minutes, I was beckoned by everyone's favourite mercenary matriarch:

June Cleaver-Blogshaw: "Carrie, can you bring me my Coke?"
(contrary to what everyone might think, she meant her glass of Coke, and not a line of coke, but I can plainly see how her demand could be misconstrued...)
Carrie Blogshaw: "I'll be right there..." (when my head stops pounding and I can heave myself off this oasis of a couch...)
June: "But fill it up with a new Coke from the fridge first - I don't like it to be flat"
Carrie: ~ sigh ~

After delivering Her Highness's libation of choice, she announced that the date had been set for my brother, the provocative planner, Beavis Blogshaw's, wedding. The great news? They chose my birthday weekend. Fabulous. Not only will I have to participate in the wedding and be judged by friends and family alike (while wearing a ridiculous and unflattering meringe-like dress), I will have to suffer through the ordeal on my birthday weekend. Yep, of all the weekends in that whole month, they chose to plan their nuptuals on my big day. This is so 'Sixteen Candles'... To top it all off, as one of my smart single gal pals reminded me this evening, my birthday will coincide with their anniversary for the rest of my life. Great - I'll be overshadowed for eternity!

I mentioned to June that it would be the weekend of a milestone birthday for me. She said she knew, but what could she do? I asked if she had mentioned to them (my bro lacks the capacity to remember anniversaries, birthdays and other important dates - an affliction that most men suffer from) that it would be an important weekend for me and if they could choose another of the 4 weekends available to them in that month. The curt conversation went something like this:

Carrie: "Did you mention that it is my birthday weekend?"
June: "No"
Carrie: "Why not?"
June: "Beavis's wedding is more important than your birthday. Weddings trump birthdays."

That ended the conversation.

The moral of the story? I would like to inform you all that I am no longer scared of getting married. Instead, I am greatly anticipating it. In fact, I am planning it right now. All I know so far is that it will be HUGE, both my bro and his fiancee will be in it and it will fall on the day of either my mother or my brother's birthday!!!


Shannon O said...

Oh Carrie! My brother too lacks the capacity to remember anniversaries, birthdates and other important dates... I feel your pain.

BTW nothing trumps birthdays, from the day you are born, your birthday is YOUR BIRTHDAY, and they’ll just have to get a birthday cake... in addition to a wedding cake. ;)

And if not, I can't wait till you see the look on your Mother's face when you explain that YOUR wedding is on HER birthday...
- Shannon O | Confessions of a Loving Wife

The Uneasy Writer said...

Thank God I don't speak to my Mother.
Thx for reminding me that I've made the right decision.

Fin said...

Well that really sucks, for all eternity too! Way to plan your big day, LOVE IT.

summer said...

Keeps getting better and better!

Anonymous said...

Does your mother ever say, "Someday I'll be dead. How will you feel then?"

Carrie Blogshaw said...

Yes, Anonymous, my mother frequently reminds me that I'll miss her when she's dead. She's right. I will.

Anonymous said...

Are Carrie Blogshaw's problems with June better or worse than Carrie Fisher's problems with Debbie? I noticed that Carrie Blogshaw has a photo of Marlo Thomas, who said something like, "Phil Donahue is the world's greatest husband but he is just barely tolerable." I submit 10 conjectures (some of which might be far wrong):
(1) Men don't understand the psychological problems a woman has with her mother.
(2) Women don't understand men's reactions to sports and pornography. (What's the difference between Ron Jeremy and a dog? "A dog can lick his privates and not feel a need to post it on YouTube."
- Carol Leifer)
(3) Women have a 50% understanding of men and a 90% understanding of each other.
(4) Men have a 10% understanding of women and a 30% understanding of each other.
(5) On a typical day, a man speaks 2,000 words and a woman speaks 7,000 words.
(6) The ratio of autistic males to autistic females is about 4 to 1.
(7) Men need to solve their own emotional problems and improve their social skills.
(8) Women need to be better at rejecting predators, abusers, and manipulators and to be either less choosy or more philosophical. ("My ex tricked me into marriage ... he told me I was pregnant." - Carol Leifer)
(9) People need God or a substitute for God.
(10) 80% of women understand their own emotional problems, but only 20% of men understand their own emotional problems.

Kellyansapansa said...

Great post - you are totally entitled to be pissed off! I'm your newest follower, I found you over at Suger Coat It. Can't wait to read more!

Melissa said...

Whoops. Forgot to stop by & let you know there is a little something for you at my blog Suger Coat It... Consider it an early birthday present... Lol.

Gosh, is it too soon for jokes..?

Anonymous said...

Carrie, if my initials are E.B.J. and you are half Italian on your father's side and Cosmopolitan City is Toronto, then by a bizarre coincidence could I be the gay man at the Four Seasons Centre in September 2007 that June Cleaver-Blogshaw called "a stupid twit with a cute bum boy"? - Sincerely, E.B.J.

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Carrie Blogshaw said...

Well, E.B.J. Anonymous, June Cleaver-Blogshaw really gets around and has a no-holds-barred approach to sensorship, so anything is possible!

Anonymous said...

Well, Carrie, thanks for answering. I guess I'll never know the true identity of that 2007 nemesis.
He who know nothing is closer to the truth than he whose mind is filled with falsehood and errors. — Thomas Jefferson
Sincerely, E.B.J.
Lots of luck at your brother's wedding!