Monday, June 1, 2009

Top 12 things to never ask your man...

…as brought to you by the gifted authors at Respected National Publication Favouring Female Interest. According to the magazine, the questions listed below are off-limits:

* Does this make me look fat? - If you think so, then it probably does. How are men supposed to respond? If they are honest, they’ll get sh*t on and if they lie, they’ll get sh*t on. How would you answer if your bf came to you to ask if his boxer-briefs make his d*ck look small???!!! That’s right.

* Is she prettier than me? - If you think so, then she probably is. He knows what you look like. You know what you look like. If you want to have a big fight, ask the question. If you want to live happily ever after, buy yourself a new lippy and move on.

* How many women have you slept with? - Make sure you are ready for the answer. The fact is that, if one is single and in their 30's, then one has probably slept with a few more partners than originally anticipated when they were younger, hotter and had no idea that one could stay single for such a prolonged period of time, but I digress........ The only safe question to ask is if he has been safe in his transgressions. I grant you permission to ask that question, but ONLY that question.

* What are you thinking? – This is hilarious. I can guarantee, in fact I’d bet a paycheck, that he’s not thinking. At all. Nada. If he looks perplexed, he’s probably trying to stage a plan in order to pass gas in your presence without you noticing. Or something like that. At most, he may be trying to plan how his favourite football team can best play their next game, but that’s probably about it….. Looking for a specific answer? Ask a specific question.

* Where is our relationship going? – Right out the window if you ask that question!!!

* If you could sleep with one of my friends, who would it be? – DANGER DANGER DANGER. DO NOT ask this question. Ever.

* Would you run to the store and get me some tampons? – Would you run to the store to get him anti-fungal medication for his athletes foot? Let’s help each other by helping ourselves with such tasks.

* Do you mind if I go for lunch with my ex? - Then be prepared not to mind when he goes out for lunch with his ex.

* If I died in a freak hair-dying accident, how long would you wait before moving on? – Apparently this is a passive aggressive question that is going to instigate a fight. How could anyone know that? What if he meets a hottie at your funeral??? Hey, you never know how life works!

* (While holding someone else’s baby ask:) How many kids do you want to have? - Why don’t you then ask what kind of suburban-nightmare-semi-detached-can’t-tell-your-house-apart-from-your-neighbour’s home he’d like to live in and what kind of death-of-sex minivan he’d like to drive? Start training now, because you’ll have to sprint like hell to catch up with him after you put that thought in his mind…..

* Can I come to guy’s night this time? – No.

* (In regards to either size or duration or both) Is that it? - Yes, if you want it to be the end of your relationship.


The Uneasy Writer said...

Speaking of minivans...I have a funny story.
A good friend of mine (former party gal that now has a hubby & two kids) actually started crying on the car lot when her and hubby were choosing (horror!) a minivan. Of course, hubby and the salesman didn't understand cuz let's face it; they're guy's therefore oblivious.

Carrie Blogshaw said...

That's a very, very sad story.... Now, what we all want to know is - have they had sex since they got the minivan???