Wednesday, February 25, 2009
Once upon a time, in the west end of Cosmopolitan City, lived a lovely young singleton named Slash* (yes, there is a resemblance - hair only, though). Slash went to a local bar one night to meet friends and get intoxicated. At local bar, she ran into her longtime friend/on again off again lover, Friendly Local Drunk. They shared stories, laughed, got caught up, indulged in brief moments of affection/groping, and then got the boot at closing time.
During their romantic stumble home, Friendly Local Drunk was whispering sweet nothings into Slash's ear:
Him: "You're so beautiful. You're so sexy. I want to date you."
Her: (Details of response are currently unavailable. Unfortunately for all, I have not been able to drag it out of her. I have come to realize that I was not fully informed of all the details of what went on, which is making me wonder what Slash's role really was in this modern drama..... I suspect she's not as innocent as she claims...).
Back at Slash's flat, he continued to woo her as she passed out on the couch in an unconscious attempt to sleep off the effects of multiple pints (and, I suspect, a potent marijuana cigarette, but I'm just sayin'...). She woke up a few hours later to find Friendly Local Drunk asleep in a chair. She crept off to bed and, in true male form, he followed her. While they were snuggling between the sheets, he began to whisper more sweet nothings into her ear:
Him: "You're so pretty. I love your hair. I love Guns N Roses. I love lying here with you."
Her: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz (she was pretending to be asleep at this point - a classic avoidance tactic)
Him: "I want to be with you. I'd never hurt you like those other guys. I'd never let you go. Oooohhhhhhh....."
Her: ... continued snoring with exaggerated sigh for dramatic effect...
Him: "You're just so beautiful. I love you, Betty*."
Now, Slash was aware that Friendly Local Drunk had been engaged before they began hanging out, so she assumed that Betty was his ex-fiancee. She attempted to make sense of it all when talking to their common friend. When relaying the unfortunate incident to Common Friend, she asked about Friendly Local Drunk's ex-fiancee, Betty.
Him: "Betty? Who the f*ck is Betty?"
Her: "His fiancee?!"
Him: "Her name was Veronica*."
Slash and Friendly Local Drunk have never discussed this. It is possible that he was so blind drunk that he will never remember this gaffe. We are all hoping this is the case. In true, current non-communicative style, they have gone on to live happily ever after with their heads buried in the sand.
* Names have been changed to protect the identity of contributors