Today's Funny

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.


Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support

Sports, ballet and other relationship atrocities...

I had to watch World Cup football for my boyfriend today. When the request was first made, I was shocked and dismayed. However, I realized that I might have to ask G Spot, my FIFA-loving lover, to participate in something that he might not like at some point. As a result, we ended up at a bar watching the game with the most dedicated fans. At 9.30 in the morning. On a Sunday.

Now, I'm quite girly, so this was a big stretch for me. At any given time, I'd rather eat a bowl of my own hair than watch sports. I don't care for high stakes games, championships or Olympics. I sat there this morning, staring at the screen in the same just-saw-a-ufo expression that my mom had when I tried to teach her how to use the internet. Clueless.

My question is: are we supposed to try to care or are we just supposed to fake it? I will never care for sports and that's final. Of course, I want to support G Spot and if he's interested, I'll listen and watch. What if I was, say, a fan of romantic comedies... I think I would be okay if G Spot pretended to care a bit and let me watch a dvd or two. I would appreciate it if he would go to the theatre with me, but I don't think I'd expect it often - why torture someone knowingly (unless they've really p*ssed you off...)?

Really, this morning taught me to both fake it and pretend to care. Because he cares, I care (a teeny bit). I will admit that it added a dimension to G Spot's persona, as I've never really seen him as a sporto until today. I also didn't know he had the capacity to drink that many alcoholic beverages before noon. So be it. Now that I've sat through a soccer match and survived, I'm sure G Spot will be eagerly anticipating the opera, ballet or Oprah that he will be forced to watch in the near future!

Thought For The Day

Happy. Fucking. Monday.

Clothes Men Love But Women Hate

Yes!!! Further to the post below on the clothes that women love but men hate, the tables have now been turned. I love it when that happens! Due to popular demand by women after our faves were trashed by the lifestyle gurus at Yahoo.com, a list of the most offensive male attire has been published. See below for highlights:

* Mandals ~ Hell, no! There is nothing worse than a man in sandals. I cannot tell you what a bigger turnoff would be for me, save for a man in socks and sandals. I feel sick just thinking about it. Ew. Any man who dares to wear sandals after this post has been published must only do so after having a proper pedicure, which means that no man will be seen wearing sandals ever again. Phew!
* Muscle Tops and Sleeveless Undershirts ~ The wifebeater denotes a few things: the fact that one might actually be a wife beater; trailer park; laziness (is it that hard to put on a shirt?). Don't kill the mystery for us - we want to imagine the bulging biceps beneath those sexy long sleeves and then be disappointed after.
* Ed Hardy Shirts ~ Women just don't like having men be more blinged out than us. It's like wearing something bedazzled or fringed and for the love of gawd, if Jon Gosselin is all over it, you just know its wrong.
*Baggy Pants ~ Seriously. Just look at the picture above. What's going wrong here? Loaded diaper? Poopy pants?? Ass reduction surgery??? Yeesh.

Quote of the Day

"Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve."
~ Andy Rooney

ew

Clothes Women Love But Men Think Are Ugly

Waaaahhhhh..... Some of my faves have made the list. The lifestyle gurus at Yahoo.com have published a list (click on title above for link) of fashion crimes according to men. Here goes:

* Ugg boots ~ Fair enough. They earned their name honestly, Ugg being short for "ugly boots" according to the Aussies. I don't own any. I am aware how they make women look
* Harem pants ~ Yeah. They didn't look good on MC Hammer in the early 90's. They didn't look good when they became trendy for 5 seconds last spring. They don't look good in pictures, they don't look good on models and they don't look good on you
* Hoop earrings (the HUGE ones) ~ It's so J. Lo. I fell victim to this craze in the late 80's. I dropped the hoops when Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation dropped off the charts
* Booty shorts ~ Seriously. Have you seen my ass lately? Have you seen your ass lately?? I urge all women under the age of 25 to get a good rear view before wearing these outdoors. All women over the age of 25 should be shot if caught wearing these outdoors
* Sweatpants with words on the butt ~ Why would it matter if they have words on the butt? Women should not wear sweat pants full stop
* Gladiator sandals ~ Totally agree. They are SO unsexy
* Leggings ~ This hurts me. I wore them today. I wore them yesterday. And the weekend before that. And the weekend before that incredibly comfortable weekend. Seriously???!!! Are they that unsexy? How can something that feels so good be so undesirable?? Don't men understand that the look of confidence radiating from our faces is due to nothing more than a high lycra content and elastic waistband???

Quote of the Day

"Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill."
~H.L. Mencken (via @SexCigarsBooze)

The Men You Should Never Marry

Perhaps, someday soon, someone will write an article about the type of man one should marry. In the meantime, here are weirdos to watch out for. These tips have been brought to us by National Moderate News Magazine. The main correspondent, quite shockingly, is Father Pat Connor, an 81 year old priest from New Jersey. I know, I know... it seems so wrong. Like, what the hell would he know? Well, he's been listening to the real housewives of New Jersey complain in the confessional for decades and has passed on these transcendental tips:

* Money really is important in a relationship. Father Pat's words: "Yes. Yes. Yes, to that one." Ew. That was waaaaay too many yes's coming from a priest. Ew.
* Never marry a man who cannot hold down a job. Ew. Ew ew ew. Ew.
* Never marry a man who has no friends. Fair enough. Linking yourself to Johnny No Mates means he'll never take off for a boys weekend and leave you the eff alone.
* Never marry a man who is more affectionate in public than in private. Why?!
* Never marry a man whose first wife had to sue for child support. The first wife. Child support. Welcome to dating in your 30's. Isn't it glam?
* If you feel no physical attraction to him, don't marry him. Unless he's Trump. Or Hef. Or King. Or an oil baron. Or a CEO of a large multinational. Or...
* Never marry a man who notices all your faults but never his own. Yowza - Father really does know best!

Quote of the Day

"There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted."
~Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour (via @SexCigarsBooze)