So, I Married Myself

No, I didn't. I have, however, just been put onto an article in which the author actually DID! A good friend and fellow singleton sent me a link to an article in More magazine, which I emplore you all to read.

Although she starts off by dissing Sex and the City, she quickly redeems herself as she begins one of the most thoughtful and timely articles about how there are never any celebrations for singletons. Once our friends go off and get married, we have to go to endless showers (this requires party outfits, suppression of the gag reflex and gifts), weddings (this requires dresses, updo's, major suppression of the gag reflex and bigger gifts), housewarmings (this requires an outfit of a more casual nature yet still requires thought, suppression of the gag reflex and more gifts) and, finally, baby showers (this requires more party outfits, ultra suppression of the gag reflex and, of course, gifts). I don't know about you, but to me that is A LOT of work! Not once have I had anyone throw a party for me. I may not have made it over the marriage/baby hurdle, but are there not other milestones for which I could be celebrated? How about a shower for me that could have any of the following themes:

* Congrats, Carrie! You bought a condo on your own and made it a home!

* Congrats, Carrie! You've been to ALL OF OUR weddings/showers/smug-married-get-togethers and always managed to suppress the gag reflex!!

* Congrats, Carrie! You deal with EVERYTHING that married people have to deal with (excluding the death of sex and, more scarily, in-laws) and manage to do it all on your own!!!

* Congrats, Carrie! You've managed to date your way through the men in Cosmopolitan City and on Unnamed Dating Website and you've STILL not been committed to a mental institution!!!

For whoever will be throwing and/or attending my party, I would like you to know that I'm registered at the Saks Fifth Avenue shoe department.

http://lifestyle.sympatico.msn.ca/relationships/NEWContentPosting_CL?newsitemid=19022&feedname=TRANS-MORE&show=False&number=0&showbyline=True&subtitle=&detect=&abc=abc&date=False

300

How many dates does it take to find a suitable partner? According to Emotional Fuckwit '08 (see related post below), it takes over 300. I should have raised my eyebrows (I'm sure I did but the shock was blinding and obviously limited my sense of reason at the time) when he told me that he'd dated over 300 women in the few years since his divorce. 300 women???!!! That seems like a lot of ladies, nights out, drinks, money and STD's...

After this admission, I SHOULD have wondered about how picky he is. I SHOULD have known at that point that he was obviously seeking the delusion of perfection. I have heard it theorized that we (the category of 'we' excludes the following: cads, casanovas, gigolos, pimps, hookers, whores, contestants on The Bachelor, etc.) could make it work (meaning: have a relationship) with every 5th person that we date. If this is true, Emotional Fuckwit '08 had 60 chances with women whom he could have had a meaningful, longterm relationship with. Instead, he CHOSE to go on 240 more dates than he really had to. Why didn't I think of it this way before? I could have saved myself such emotional anguish and confusion over his intense Daniel Cleaver-ish behaviour.

I'm not sure how many people I've dated at this point. I gave up counting a while back, due to many issues including memory loss (a sign of aging), the fact that I can't count that high and that there are a few special cases that I've blocked out of my mind. As many people as I have been out with, I can assure you that it's nowhere near 300 - that's just obscene. When it comes to 300, I can think of better things to do with that number:

* 300 European, South American or Caribbean vacations

* 300 pairs of sexy shoes

* 300 dirty martinis to help aid the memory loss

* 300 calories burned each time I THINK of going to the gym

* 300 men lusting at the chance to date ME

Tease

I’ve been called a lot of things in my time, but to be called a TEASE by the last guy that I dated, Emotional Fuckwit ’08, was quite shocking. I don’t see myself as a tease, and neither do my friends (I've conducted a lengthy survey on prudish behaviour to investigate this claim). I doubt my family would describe me that way either, however I’d prefer not to ask their opinions on this one…

To say that my friends consider me to be a frigid b*tch is not an exaggeration. I admit to having gone through a promiscuous phase in university, but I recovered as soon as I graduated and have not gone back. I am now loyal and monogamous when in relationships and conduct myself accordingly. I’m sure you can imagine the look on my wholesome, delicate-flower face when this dude called me a tease WHILE WE WERE FOOLING AROUND!!!???!!!

After that incredibly awkward encounter, we decided to torture ourselves further by continuing to date. He professed his desire to be in a relationship and seemed to be quite on board with my approach to life and dating (well, when I wasn’t being a TEASE).

When he wasn’t insulting me sexually, we had quite a lot of fun. Both of us seemed to think it was a good fit. The rest of our dating drama consisted of one communication breakdown after another, complimented by the odd good date. After a while, he started calling in a sporadic pattern that made no sense and did not promote dating or relationship-building. Clearly, he has no future as a telemarketer.

It was confusing – he would call me 1 or 2 weeks after a date, or 1 week after I’d called him (not sexy). We would get together and he would make me feel like the most desirable woman on the planet, and then I wouldn’t hear from him. Most perplexing of all is that he continues to call bi-weekly without acknowledging that we stopped seeing each other almost 2 months ago. Whenever I see the name ‘Emotional Fuckwit’ appear on my phone, I want to run and hide. Poor beggar. And HE called ME a tease???!!!

SWF, 107, Seeks Younger Man

No, I am not making this up. Yes, this is a TRUE story!

A 107 year old woman in Beijing has decided to start looking for a husband. She never married when she was younger (which could really be ANY age under 106 at this point) and she now regrets her decision. She is worried that her nieces and nephews will not have time to take care of her, as they are busy with their own lives, so she feels that she should have a life partner to help take care of her. Wow – do I ever admire her optimism! Me? I accepted the fact that I might die alone when I turned 30…

She is hoping to meet a fellow centenarian, so that they will have common interests to talk about. My grandpa Blogshaw lived to be a centenarian, so I have some knowledge on how life is at 100… Unfortunately for her, she may not know that most people who live to that ripe old age probably lost their hearing 20 years previously, so there might not be too many enlightening conversations at that point in life. It could be possible to write love notes, however vision tends to decline along with the hearing….

Local officials have vowed to help this optimistic old lady out. They are going to start trawling retirement homes to see if there are any eligible bachelors for her. They have GOT to televise this. If she actually hooked up it would be a train wreck of jowly kisses and saggy butt pinches. This would make The Bachelor look like nothing but fun and games for the overly tanned. I would really like to see the reaction her profile would get on Unnamed Dating Website!

In 2007, there were 17,800 centenarians in China – that is WAY more than I would ever have expected. Perhaps her chances of meeting someone aren’t as bad as I thought. The only problem with being a woman in this situation is that men typically don’t live as long as us. This is most likely because they use up too much fuel playing games while dating when younger and it depletes resources that are needed in later life. That is sad.

I guess she might have to go younger – like a Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russel or Demi/Ashton arrangement. She might have to look for someone just under 100 to be safe. I wonder how courtship would play out for the lucky couple – as we know, older men are in short supply and she might have to battle the throngs of other single ladies who are hoping to score the lucid ones.

RoboSex

What happens when 4 friends get together for a girls night in? Besides endless discussions on varying topics such as work, fashion, dating, vacations, how to be the most fabulous recessionista of ‘09 and, obviously, the odd bitchfest rant, sometimes we come up with business ideas. A couple of weeks ago, the girls and I came up with an idea that might make us our millions.

Now, this is a niche market idea. We understand that there is a demand for this type of service in the marketplace, and we are trying to enhance what is already available. I should also say that this idea originated with the aid of the following:

1 bottle of wine
1 bottle of champagne
1 mickey of dark rum
½ a bottle of Tanqueray
1 incredibly potent marijuana cigarette

Our idea is to improve the lives of the sexually frustrated. I (grudgingly) consider myself to be an expert on this topic. I live with this sense of frustration most of the time. I might be dangerously close to reaching the stage in dating that results in sexual apathy, but I’m not quite there yet. One of my friends, who was INCREDIBLY open with us, showed us the tool that she’s been using to avoid sexual frustration. She is not my only friend who uses this tool and, of my friends that do, they are ALL happy with it. What is this miracle cure to the sad symptom of singledom that is sexual frustration? It is our friend, the Rampant Rabbit.

A few of my closest friends rely on RR quite often. They have told sad stories of forgetting to change the batteries and the bitter disappointment when one realizes that one's stock of AA’s has been depleted. I have not discussed the limitations of the RR with all the girls, as they are vehement supporters and don’t like to hear my opinions on the topic, as I’m a hater (I refuse to give into RoboSex - I remain foolishly optimistic that I might one day be in a relationship that lasts long enough for me to enjoy regular sex). My INCREDIBLY open friend explained that she is not a fan of the buzzing sound that occurs when the RR is doing its job. Not so romantic. Perhaps some people would disagree, as a whirring buzz might turn into white noise and, in some cases, is better than having to listen to insulting dirty talk. We have an idea to remedy this:

The Talking Vibrator

That’s right! Our Romantic Rampant Rabbit will have sound effects to enhance the experience for women. We are keeping this exclusively for women, as we’re not sure how/if gay men are able to use the RR based on dexterity. We feel there could be 3 sound effect options:

* The loving, complimentary, gently murmured and romantic words of Silicon Sully

* The tender moans of Silicon Sully complete with well-timed climax where you just know, if he was real, he’d be looking into your eyes

* The unromantic grunts and moans that some women have come to expect in a standard 2-minute session, however it would be played on repeat for the length of time it takes for US to finish

As this is just the beginning phases of our startup business, we would appreciate any and all feedback. And, we implore you, as we are busy and have not had time to trademark or register this fabulous initiative, please don’t steal our idea!

Multiple Dating

This is a toughie for me.
In the typical feast or famine murphy's law that I am now accustomed to experiencing in my life, I am trying to figure out how to handle dating in multiples. This is hilarious to me, as there was a drought of men in my life for an extended period of time (we're talking YEARS here, people!), and now it seems that they have all arrived at once. I'm torn.

I know that people now (compared to YEARS ago when I used to date more often) are dating in multiples. I understand that we're not to be too focused on or serious about any one person within what seems to me to be an unreasonably long length of time. I feel, however, that dating in multiples is more tempting and possible for men than it is for women - it must be part of the hunter/gatherer nature.

Here is the dilemma: I have 4 on the go. I HAVE NEVER had 4 on the go before - it's taking a lot out of me. I will deal with them in groups of 2, as tackling 4 at a time is too much for me today. I started dating Bachelor #1 a while ago, and have gone on the most dates with him. He seems cool and I like him, but his courting methods leave much to be desired. Bachelor #2 came along shortly after Bachelor #1, which put him at a disadvantage, as I already liked #1 and was making excuses as to why it wouldn't be able to work with #2. Then, #1 totally slacked off and paved the way for #2. Then, numbers 3 and 4 came along, but as I said, we'll deal with them later.

Now, both #1 & #2 want to go out again. This would be a fifth date with #1 and a third date with #2. What troubles me is this: is it okay to be kissing two guys? To me, it doesn't feel right but if I asked a guy, I'm sure he'd say it's totally fine. I asked a girlfriend, who told me that it's okay to kiss 2 people at a time (not simultaneously, however - that is a different blog altogether), as long as the making out is kept above the waistline. Okay... Another friend said that it's okay not to kiss someone until the 3rd date (which is where I'm getting to with Bachelor #2), which gives me some time to work this out.

Any comments, advice or tips would be greatly appreciated. I'm still unsure of how I will handle the next week, but I will advise. I took the time to wonder if I might be able to join a polygamist society where this type of arrangement (let's say it works out with all 4 of them???!!!), but that type of community only exists for MEN! There are no polygamist societies that I can find were women can be the ones with multiple husbands. Not fair!

Love Rat

According to recent article in a well-regarded national publication, romance can be linked to a single gene. How this did not make front page news I will never understand. I read the article from top to bottom (as well as backwards and upside down) and have the following synopsis to offer you:

* The romance gene (identifiable to scientists as AVPR1A) can be found in humans as well as animals, however some men can have particular versions of this gene (go figure). Those particular men are twice as likely to remain unmarried as other men. According to the study, those men who actually DID manage to tie the knot are twice as likely to report a recent crisis in their marriage.

The study used voles to test the gene theory. If you are unfamiliar with voles (see cute picture above), they are rodents. I wonder how the scientists chose to test rodents to compare with men instead of, say, ANY OTHER ANIMAL used for testing???!!! Anyhoo, there are 2 types of voles and both were used as cohorts. According to Wikipedia, the prairie (or woodland) vole "is a notable animal model for sexual fidelity , since the male is usually faithful to the female, and shares in the raising of pups." We already like THAT vole. The meadow vole "has promiscuously mating males" and we don't like that vole.

A study done in 2004 actually tried to turn MONOGAMOUS voles into PROMISCUOUS voles by tinkering with this gene (MUST have been a group of exclusively male scientists and MUST have been funded by Hefner). The group of kinder, gentler and obviously FEMALE scientists who tried to turn this study around found that the amount of receptors available to absorb the gene dictated how monogamous or promiscuous the voles were. When they managed to increase receptors in those philandering meadow voles, they became less inclined to stray. Next steps? They hope to find a way to increase the amount of receptors available so that the gene can be better absorbed by men. The only problem? They are not sure how this gene can be tampered with in humans..... I would like to assure you that I am on the case and will provide a link to the charity that I will create to help fund the necessary research!

Oh, Joy!

It has come to my attention that The Joy of Sex, the guide to lovemaking that has been cherished by adults and coveted by horny little high schoolers for 30 years, has been updated. Although some things have not changed, such as the book's exclusive focus on heterosexuality, there are some updates to sex that I found quite amusing, as follows:

* Having sex in a moving vehicle is now illegal

* Having sex on a horse is now illegal (how, HOW did they find out???)

* Hairy is in and a neat, clean-shaven aesthetic is out (according to the author, "shaving is simply ignorant vandalism")

* The (unshaven) armpit is the new erogenous zone

* There has been a noticeable increase in the rise of serial seducers and pick-up artists in North America (I could have contributed to the writing of this book...)

* Both women AND MEN form emotional attachments to sex partners very quickly (this could become a HUGELY controversial topic)

I write a lot about internet dating and this book has devoted much attention to the modern phenomenon of internet sex. Online dating, porn and downloaded sex tapes aside, there is a new aspect to internet sex, called Teledildonics. The book describes teledildonics as "the long-distance use of a sex toy controlled from afar." Wow. It goes on to say that "it is possible to not only plug a sex toy into your computer and have your lover operate it from afar, but also there are MP3 players that double as vibrators." Thanks for that info - I've been looking at my iPod as nothing but an aural toy for years - this could be big for me!

The Man Plan

This is my new favourite book and I haven't even read it yet.

My attention was rapt as the author (a gorgeous blonde, so how could she have been having problems meeting men?) explained her story on my favourite television news magazine, Inside Edition. She went on over 100 dates (something I have contemplated doing, but cannot muster up the self-hatred that would be the only force to compel myself to ACTUALLY do it) and the book summarizes all of the interesting tidbits that she learned about men along the way. According to The Man Plan, the points below will help us land the man of our dreams. Whether or not we decide to keep them around after landing them will apparently be up to us.

* Smell of vanilla - it drives them crazy (as does the smell of pumpkin and, naturally, bacon...)

* Always wear high heels

* Try to strategically reveal a hint of undergarment - but ONLY a hint, you voracious sluts!!!

* Try to appear interested in what he has to say (this may be the hardest of all)

* Try to exhibit some knowledge of "manly" things such as sports, business, porn...

* Avoid "stripper nails" (although they may be fascinated by the look when at the rippers, they don't seem to want to see the look on us)

I will, of course, advise you of my progress. I have to go now and douse myself in vanilla extract after I take off my press-on nails.

Love in an Elevator

Of all the places to find a guy, I found one in an elevator.
In my building.
The amount of times that we ran into each other in the elevator over a 1 year period was quite amazing - it was like our schedules had been synched so that we might be able to one day have a conversation that lasted long enough so that we could have learned each others' names.....

Friends told me that I needed to seize the moment and introduce myself the next time I saw him, however it was impossible to ever anticipate the next time and when I was faced with the actual situation, it was hard for me to say anything other than "thanks" when he opened the door to the lobby for me (such a gentleman).

I tried to be as charming as one can be in approximately 12 storeys, but it wasn't enough. I knew which floor he lived on, but couldn't think of a good enough reason to hang out randomly in the corridor, especially as he knew that I lived on the floor beneath him. I attended the annual meeting for our building, hoping that he might attend and that we could have a longer, more meaningful exchange over a dixie cup of punch. Ultimately, I ended up sitting in a room with a bunch of disgruntled geriatric residents for 3 hours (that's 3 hours that I could have spent randomly riding in the elevator).