Why They Called It Quits

Welcome to my new topic. In this day and age, calling it quits is de rigeur. Why not take the time to investigate what caused the rigeur mortis (heh!) in the rapid romance between Scarlett Johansson and super sexy Ryan Reynolds?

First of all, I'd like to say 'boo hoo.'
Secondly, I'd like to say 'I'm shocked, as I'm sure you are, too.'
Thirdly, I'd like to say 'who cares?' Answer: I'll tell you who cares. The people who care are the millions of sexy singletons who are thanking the lord that the foxy Ryan Reynolds is back on the market!

Let's talk about sex, lady

Because that's what happens when two bff's have a girls night out. Of course, we spent lots of time talking about other things, such as work, the economy, our outfits, our hair and how having a husband or significant other is like having an adult child. And, obviously, how fun that is...

My bff is a smug married. She has been hauling the ball on a chain for 7 years. Bless... She told tales of how difficult it marriage can be. She told me how long I can expect for it to take to have a lightbulb changed once G Spot and I have shackled ourselves into our lifelong pact. I can expect for his honesty to become much more open and brutal. Apparently, I can also expect my mate to tell me he's too busy to help with dinner and/or cleaning while he's reclined on the sofa drinking a beer and watching football. Or baseball.. Or hockey...

No matter how difficult things get or how stuck they get in the doldrums of daily life, she makes one major concession to her mate every month. Fellatio. Her top tip to keep things from sucking the big one? To suck the big one!

RelationTips

Here's a tip: Stay single!

Not-So-Desperate Housewife

Oops, no, it’s not OK! Come on, now - this never looked like it was built to last. Of course, it was extremely entertaining. A Hollywood actress. An NBA star. Did I mention that 80-90% of all pro athletes stray? What was she thinking? She had to beg him to marry her. He's French. He’s a basketball great.. He’s 28…

I have always believed in the matching theory. This theory maintains that happy and successful long-term couples tend to be matched in attractiveness. Take away Tony’s wallet and fame, and he’s no where near as attractive as the lovely Longoria. It was a match made by Beauty and the Beast. By Larry King and his wife Shawn. By Donald and Malania.. By the ancient oil geezer and Anna Nicole Smith…

Looking on the bright side of things, at least he bucked the trend by recent celebs who lately have screwed their significant others over by trading down and cheating with less attractive women (come on guys, if you’re going to do it, don’t insult us on every level…). At least Tony bagged a babe!

Relationsh*ts

Yeah, you heard me. It happens to everyone. Everyone in a relationship, that is. From time to time, we all get a case of the relationsh*ts. Relationsh*ts are unpleasant. They can sometimes clear up quickly, but sometimes they repeat with a vengeance. Also troubling is the fact that the relationsh*ts can be catching. One partner may come down with a nasty case of the relationsh*ts, and can quickly transfer the case to the other partner. We all know how pleasant relationships are when both partners have a case of the relationsh*ts... Actually, I must say that relationsh*ts are 100% contagious.

To this day, there is no known cure for relationsh*ts. Some say to drink wine, beer or spirits to ward off the 'sh*ts, but sometimes that can exascerbate the problem. Some people recommend talking about the 'sh*ts until the 'sh*ts are a distant memory. Some people keep their case of relationsh*ts a secret until it becomes so severe that they end up spewing sh*t all over the place. In my experience, it's best to deal with the 'sh*ts immediately and acutely. When it comes to a nasty case of the relationsh*ts, swift action is best. And no amount of bananas, honey or Immodium will solve the problem!

With this iconic ring belonging to my infamous, dead mother, I thee wed...

Ummmmmmm... yeah.
Don't get me wrong - I was extremely happy to hear about the engagement of Price William to his lovely gf, Kate Middleton. I was also kind of sad, as I'd always wondered if the Prince and I would have ended up together had we met during my 2 years abroad when I was younger, but I digress...

A fairytale engagement, a fairytale wedding and a fairytale marriage, I'm sure. However, all happiness aside, I must say I'm perplexed about his controversial choice of engagement ring. Would it have been lovely of him to present the mountainous sapphire to her at some point in the future as a sentimental symbol of his respect for his mother and his respect for her? Yes. As the symbol of their intimate relationship as they make the biggest mistake - I mean, as they make the biggest leap of faith of their lives???!!! Hmmmmmm... For the love of Divorce Court, the ring was Diana's engagement ring from Charles, and we all know how that turned out!

Moving. On.

Holy sh*t. Did I mention that G Spot and I bought a place together?? Did I mention that I moved? Did I mention that, therefore, G Spot and I will be moving in together??? In keeping with the theme of the past few months, which is change, we bought a fabulous condo together and will be moving in this Spring. Fortunately, for both our sakes, we don't have to move in together right away. Why is that? Well, it's because I was able to move in with my parents, good old Ward & June. Yep...

Moving out of my former bachelorette pad was painful. I had many good years there. I had many quiet evenings there. I prepared for many dates there. I came home and pondered the existence of useless men there. I brought useless men there. I cried over useless men there. I wrote all previous posts there. It's where G Spot and I had our first touchy feely makeout session. It's where we had s*x for the first time. It's where we exchanged Xmas gifts for the first time. It's where we fought for the first time (but not the last!). It's sad.

In true dating doyenne style, I've passed my love nest on to a savvy, young bachelor. Really, it's as it should be. I now have 6 months in which to prepare myself for cohabitation. I'm sure it will be fun to have a roommate. Maybe we'll have pillow fights, jump on the bed while listening to our fave songs, do arts and crafts... You know, things roommates do... Am I excited for this new phase of coupledom? Yes. Am I scared sh*tless about this phase simultaneously? Yes. Will I miss my former single life, where it was totally acceptable to come home from work, lounge around in ratty t's, watch ridiculous reality shows about dating, eat chocolate for dinner and drink right out of the container? Hell, yes!

Today's Funny

He said to me... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. I said to him... You wear pants don't you?

He said to me... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him... They don't have time.

He said to me... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him... I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking? I said to him... They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said... A widow.

He said to me... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

15 Jobs With The Highest Divorce Rate

Yowza. This info is brought to us by the relationship researchers at Cosmopolitan Magazine, so we know it's legit. Amazingly, Hollywood actors, Grammy winners and pro golfers are not on the list. Here are the occupations of people that are most likely to become divorcees:

* Maids and Housekeepers ~ I guess they're so sick of picking up other peoples' sh*t, they can't be bothered to do it for someone else at home. Fair enough.
* Roofers ~ A job that allows them to see what goes on under everyone else's rooves. Perhaps the grass really is greener...
* Waiters ~ They sure get to meet lots of hotties who are out for a night on the town... Did Bartenders make the list???
* Telemarketers ~ Well, they are the most annoying people ever.
* Baggage Porters and Concierges ~ Can't they be faithful? I thought their opportunities for infidelity only happened in movies.
* Entertainers and Performers, Sports and related workers ~ I think that's just a general list of ALL ENTERTAINERS. Forget what I just said above. They'll all move on.
* Nursing, Psychiatric and Home Health Aides ~ Why? Because their jobs suck and you'll tire of hearing about it.
* Telephone Operators ~ Seriously???!!! I didn't know that job still exists! Perhaps, because no one calls them any more, they've become socially awkward...
* Factory Workers: Food and Tobacco ~ Perhaps being surrounded by nosh and smokes all day long creates a hedonistic environment that leads to cheating and, therefore, divorce?!
* Gaming Service Worker ~ Wait a minute - I thought they were lucky to find even one woman?!
* Extruding Machine Operators ~ Doe this refer to all men???!!!
* Gaming Cage Worker ~ Does anyone know what this is?
* Massage Therapists ~ Fair enough. Everyone wants a piece of that action.
* Bartenders ~ Finally! Refer to what I said under "Waiter" and multiply it by 1,000.
* Dancers and Choreographers ~ Sexy partners. Sexy moves.. Sexy costumes... Super sexy choreography.... Dirty dancing and divorce go together like Waiters and divorce; Like Gamers and divorce; Like Bartenders and divorce; Like...yeesh!

Sick Sex

Yeah. I mean, really… I’ve been approached for sex when I’ve had colds, flus, wicked PMS, just after hand surgery, just after butt surgery… I’ve had broken ankle sex (btw – that wasn’t comfortable), torn rotator cuff sex and, worst of all, the romp while brutally bloated. Yeah.

I’ve never been in a relationship where sexual attraction waned, which I’m very happy about. Always, on some level, there is a high degree of desire that I believe is key in sustaining a long term relationship. However, how much is too much? Where do you draw the line between keeping it fresh and f*cking a freak?? How sick is too sick???

Last weekend, I got sick. I joked with G Spot about sick sex , which was no deterrent. He was eager to get it on. Really???!!! I was blowing my nose all over the place and, believe me, it was not hot. If G Spot had been coughing and blowing his way around the room, I wouldn’t have been game. What is sexy about a woman who’s sweating, sputtering and forming a dependent relationship with a box of tissues? Even though I was wearing a thong, the look just wasn’t happening…

I’ve been highly educated on the virtues of sex and how it improves health. According to all my boyfriends, both past and present, the list of pros goes on and on. And on. The Alcoholic Workaholic liked to tell me that cum is high in protein. Emotional F*ckwit ’08 tried to tell me that trace amounts of vital nutrients could be found in his spunk. G Spot believes firmly in the healing power of his mad sex. Perhaps he’s right – I usually do feel better afterwards. But sometimes, guys, please… Mildly sick sex can definitely have benefits, but super sick sex is so unsightly!

The Body Language of Liars

We've all heard it. We've all seen it. Now, we're going to decode it. According to the relationship researchers at Cosmopolitan Magazine, there are 4 main moves that can help us catch a liar in his tracks. Men, start sweating. Ladies, here the most common ways to help spot a lurking liar:
* He wraps his ankle around the leg of a chair ~ When a guy is masking the truth, his body will physically seize up. Wrapping his ankle around a chair leg is a way of restraining himself - like he's trying to refrain from telling you the truth. The upside of this chair stance? The possibility of him not being able to extricate himself from said position or, even better, the chance of the liar tripping over said leg...
* He suddenly puts his hands in his pockets ~ When a man is walking around with his hands stuffed down there, I usually come up with a different conclusion. However, in the case of liars (and not wankers), the hiding of the hands represents his discomfort and lack of openness.
* He shrugs one or both shoulders ~ What if he has a bad shoulder? A tick?? What if he's trying to bust a move??? If he practices this while issuing a definitive statement (such as "I did not sleep with her"), it's his way of cancelling out the untruth, as if he were crossing his fingers behind his back. Ugh.
* He uses his index finger to rub just underneath his nose ~ Apparently, this is a sign of remorse right after living the lie. My question is, how are we supposed to distinguish if our man is a liar, a sinus sufferer, an itch-reliever or a hard core coke user???!!!

In Sickness and in Health: Take 2

Take 2 to the emergency room, that is. At midnight. On date night. During a lovely dinner party hosted by a fabulous foodie and her merry mates. Let's just say that G Spot and I will not be entering our names into the draw for the Healthy Couples contest this year.

While at the hospital for the 2nd time in as many months (well, actually, it was my 3rd time in 2 months as I'd had my own problem, but I don't mean to brag...), I had time to think. A lot. The doctors were doctoring, the sick were sickening and I was overanalyzing. Whatever.

During the whole ordeal, and in between bouts of vomiting and wretching, G Spot felt badly that I wasn't enjoying my evening and urged me to go home and get some rest. Did he really think I would? I couldn't even imagine leaving him there alone. Gagging. Regurgitating. Unable to swallow water... What part of a happy couple (or an unhappy couple, for that matter) would willingly walk away? It's hard to walk out of a room when your heart is still in it.

Thankfully, all the heaving, hurling and spewing was worth it. Any further health disorder was averted and we were relased back into the night. Still, I wondered, are women more devoted in these circumstances than men? Would men go home to get some rest if their partner told them to? And would they actually be able to have a good sleep?? Would they even realize that if they leave their partner in the ER, there will be no nookie the next day???!!!

If It's Not One Thing, It's My Mother: OMG

For simplicity's sake, I'll blame this on my mother.
She is, after all, the one who gave it to me. She had been waiting for the right moment to present it to me for years. What is it, you ask? It is a wedding binder. It is by Martha Stewart, no less. It is colour co-ordinated, has sealable pockets for storing extra information and a practical elastic closure to allow for growth. Worst of all? I'm actually using it.
I am finding it quite helpful.
I like the little tips and tricks.
I might even use one of her ideas for fabulous favours.
I'd like to invite her to be my guest of honour.
Hell, I'd like her to be my maid of honour!
How precious have I become?!

What Guys Really Think: Hot Hairstyles

Who would know better about the hairstyles that men are hot for than the well-researched journalists at Cosmopolitan Magazine? Cosmo has combed the streets (!) to poll eligible bachelors about which hairdo's do it for them. Here are the top cuts:

* The Bad Girl Bump: Now, this is not to be confused with the bizarre bump that sits (too) proudly atop Snooki's head. Apparently, a small pouf adds a touch of glamour. Also, wearing your hair up shows off the neck and shoulders, which is obviously the real reason why men like it.
* The Sexy Shag: Don't think Austin Powers. Do think Meg Ryan. When you think Meg Ryan, however, please think back to her sexy, Sally Hersberger cut, not her current botox/trout-pout look. Thanks.
* Pretty Pixie: I don't believe this. I know that men prefer long hair - I read it somewhere. However, if you must sport short, men seem to like a short cut with bangs a la Ginnifer Goodwin. I think they probably chose her due to her current role on a polygamist drama, but whatever...
* Relaxed Updo: Why? Because it's elegant, simple and touchable. Why, really? Because it looks like you got dressed up nice and then spontaneously had a wild, sweaty, sexy romp, that's why.

5 Items Not To Share With Your Man

Share and share alike? Nope. I was raised to play nice and share my toys with others, which I believe has served me well. Till now. I share a lot with my man. A lot. According to an online article by sharing scroodge Leigh Doyle, below are 5 icky items that we are not to be dishing out and then taking back:

* Towels: Why? Thankfully, I have enough spare towels that G Spot has his own shower rag. Apparently, towels are breeding grounds for bacteria (ewwww) and if, let's say, your amour has athletes foot, you could end up spreading the infection all over your body if you use the same towel. Total mood killer.
* Hairbrushes: Again, we don't fall into this trap. If G Spot put a brush near his hair, his afro wouldn't fit in my cute condo. This was unexpected, but besides avoiding lice (who here is dating a kindergartner???), not sharing a brush helps to avoid the spread of... ringworm. Who were the respondents in this survey???!!!
* Toothbrushes: Guilty. I have a long list of lovers with whom I've shared toothbrushes. For f*ck's sake, when you're exchanging all kinds of fluids orally with a lover, what's a toothbrush going to bring to the table that would be more offensive? Well, you can pass on bacteria, cold sores (so unsexy) and viruses.
* Nail Clippers: Never experienced this one. This really grosses me out. Everyone should have to have mani's and pedi's. Why is this gross? Because you could inherit fungus, bacteria, viruses or staph. I'm barfing.
* Razors: I wax.

Pick Your Battles

No one avoids confrontation like I do. I am a passionate person and people tend to p*ss me off now and again (more now than again, but whatever…), but I only put the gloves on when absolutely necessary. My mother, the grappling guru June Cleaver Blogshaw, has always advised me to pick my battles. I believe this to be good advice. However, when a variety of things are irritating you, how do you know which battles to fight and which to forget about?

When it comes to relationships, the picking of the battles is of utmost importance. I know that I can’t fight the little battles too often, such as the fridge full of empty containers, the roll of toilet paper that can’t change itself and the beautiful tufted silk coverlet that was never meant to live on the floor… When it comes to the larger issues, and many times there are more than one, how do you know which is worth a fight?

On a recent evening out, G Spot and I got right into it. Was the timing right? No. Was the place right? No. Did the issue need to be elevated? Apparently. When something needs to come out, the bandage needs to be ripped off, right? What’s the point in waiting till the time and the place are right, as catching the issue in the moment seems to be the best policy. At least that’s what my therapist says.

It’s unpleasant to have to fight most battles. Particularly when you’re all dressed up and taking your lover to a fancy dinner at one of Cosmopolitan City’s nicest restaurants, but I digress… He said what he needed to say. So did I. Will there ever be a time when we won’t have to pick out battles? I bet there won’t be. Will there ever be a perfect place in which to get into it? Probably not. Truthfully, there’s never a good time for a spanish inquisition – whether it’s before dinner, after dessert or during aperitifs. The lesson learned? Order enough champagne/wine/brandy to get you through it, learn to use your inside voice and, above all, leave a tremendous tip!

How to get a stranger to flirt with you...

... hopefully.

Our favourite experts at Yahoo.com have provided us with even more dating tips. Funny, since I've been happy in a relationship, I've had more men (and seemingly good ones) flirt with me than ever before... Idiots. Where were these decent guys when I was looking for one? Men.

Anyhoo, here are the top 8 ways to get a sexy stranger to wanna make it with you:

1. Dressing down: Whoa. I'm not a fan of this one. I love any occasion to overdress. However, I will concede that when I'm schlepping around makeup-less in my stretchy, comfy yoga-wear, I do seem to get approached more. They usually turn out to be garbage handlers, sweaty/toothless wife-beater-wearers or mental institution escapees, but still...
2. Being out in public solo: Surely, it's less intimidating for a dude to approach you when you're not surrounded by your circle of giggling girlfriends.
3. Seeming approachable without seeming desperate for human contact: No one wants a Debbie Downer and no one wants a Desperate Debbie.
4. Being in a place that's just right: Location, location, location. Not too crowded. Not too empty. Not too intimidating. Not too much to ask, right?!
5. Being planted in one place: Think that moving around will be a good opportunity to create mystery, add excitement and showcase your a**? Sounds like a good idea at the time, but a moving target is hard to nail...
6. Being really into whatever you're doing: Just like how guys look sexy when they are really involved in a workout, a book or a porno, you look sexy when you're focused, too.
7. Creating a little something called "mimetic desire": When a dude sees another dude flirting with you, Dude #2 thinks 'wow - that sexy singleton is desirable...' and the flirting becomes contagious. Because, as we all know, people often want what other people have. Flirting begets flirting. Yes!
8. Having no expectations: It sounds silly. It sounds pedantic. It sounds like you've heard it 1,000 times. But you have heard it 1,000 times because it's true!

What Guys Really Think: Your Hair and Makeup

Welcome to my new topic: What Guys Really Think. Based on the title, you are correct to assume that these will be short posts!

This week, thanks to the lifestyle gurus at Yahoo.com, we will examine what men really think about our hair and makeup. Not surprisingly, it turns out that women use both sides of the brain to perceive beauty. Men? Well, they only use the right side of the brain. Yep, they're only using half their brain, but we already knew that... This is how they interpret half-brained beauty:

* What He Notices First ~ 81% of men said that they notice eyes first. 19% are lip men. The 81% who said eyes really meant to say boobs.
* Eye Makeup ~ Apparently, men prefer darkly lined eyes and smoky eyeshadow. This makeup style makes the eyes look bigger, which is a turn on. I can't pull off a smoky eye. I am sad.
* Eyelashes ~ Not surprisingly, men are not hot for fake lashes. Perhaps it's the glue marks. Perhaps it's the constant eyelid fluttering and rubbing. Perhaps it's the strip that comes unglued and hangs off... Whatever it is exactly, try to avoid it, my little Tammy Fayes.
* The Right Amount of Makeup ~ Not too much. Not too little. I must say, I've found the opposite to be true in my clubbing and general evening out experiences in Cosmopolitan City...
* Pink Cheeks ~ Break out the blusher. Flushed cheeks signaled that a cave babe was healthy back in the day. Our lovable neanderthals, only using half their brain power, are still intoxicated by it.
* Lip Colour ~ Not too dark. Not too bright. Not too slick. Not too matte. Tell that to the patrons of most of the bars, clubs and circuses in Cosmopolitan City!

Vera Wanker

This weekend, I found myself at one of the most upscale bridal shops in Cosmopolitan City. I should preface this by mentioning that I haven’t been to many weddings at all (let alone trying to plan one). I’m pretty much a nuptual novice. Perhaps I should have brought an entourage to help me find a dress, however I felt that I would have an easer time on my own. Having an easy time at Upscale Bridal Shop was not meant to be.

Quite typically, I encountered the worst of the stereotype of the hoity-toity salesperson. It was so Pretty Woman. Ummmm, ladies, please remember… You work there. I shop there. ‘Nuff said. Trust me - if I didn’t have the gold Visa limit of my mother, the spare-no-expense-for-the-love-of-god-you’re-finally-getting-married June Cleaver-Blogshaw, I wouldn’t have bothered walking through the door. Jeez!

Apparently, according to the Vera Wankers, it’s simply scandalous to ask if the famed designer would create such an ungodly concoction as a cocktail or tea length dress. The horror! You would have thought that I’d asked where the collection of polyester dresses was… I also had the nerve to ask if any of the Wankers were available to help me, as most were just sitting around looking average. After much dissatisfied clucking and rolling of the eyes, I was told that they only work by appointment. Of course. Since when did wankers become important enough to work by appointment only??? In my experience, you certainly don’t need a good time to have a Vera Wanker!

Today's Funny

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband at home watching tv. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past 6 months. He won't go to counselling. I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John

Everyone wants to marry their g spot...

... only I get to!!! Yep - I love my g spot so much I’m going to marry it…
… No, really, I’m going to marry my G Spot!!!

This is a very exciting development in the long and drawn out love life of Carrie Blogshaw. Finally, after years (and years, and years…) of dating emotional f*ckwits, alcoholics, workaholics and megalomaniacs, I will marry my Mr. Blog.

My relationship with G Spot has been the most rewarding and positive experience that I’ve had. And I’ve had lots. Yes, the thought of a lifelong commitment was previously scary, but now it feels right. I should be so lucky to spend my time (yes, all of it… the good, the bad and the ugly…) with someone this fabulous. What’s to fear?

Now, I have to start planning the wedding. This must be taken seriously, as people don’t get to marry their g spots every day and I’m sure everyone will want the very best. In the true theme of marrying a g spot, I’ll try to choose a venue that’s truly storied and rough around the edges. It will have to be hard to find, but when we get there, it’ll be soooo worth it!

Today's Funny

BP announced this morning that they installed a wedding ring around the leaking pipe and it quit putting out.

In Sickness And In Health

Trust me, I don’t take good health for granted. I am in awe of people who never get sick. I tend to get every virus going, along with a host of many other (often unspeakable) ailments. My lover, the intensely immune G Spot, never gets sick. In the year and half that we’ve been together, he’s been forced to listen to me hack like an iron-lunged smoker, blow my nose like a heavy-using coke head and experience nausea that forced us to leave a restaurant before getting to the meal. Ahhhhhhh, the romance of it all.

This week, in truly spectacular form, G Spot became ill. Instead of staying home and wallowing in his misery, he headed straight to the ER. He had to. I rushed to the hospital to be with him and had to wait an agonizing half hour before anyone would help me find him. Ahhhhhhh, the healthcare system.

Now, I didn’t need an emergency to make me realize how much I love my lover. I am always well aware. The panic that set in was new for me. I am a good worrier, but I usually worry only about troublesome things at hand (I’m not a doomsday worrier). This situation, however, made me panic about something going wrong. I hadn’t prepared for the worst. Given that G Spot was always well, I had never anticipated him being unwell. I was gripped with fear. Thankfully, it ended well and he is going to live!

We have certainly experienced the ugliness of sickness. Together, we have now endured intense nausea, vomiting, wretching, heaving, bile bags that runneth over, burst cysts, infected ingrowns, boob rashes (seriously…) and runny noses. Aren’t we glam???!!! In health, no problem. In sickness, pass the barf bag – I’m in it for the long heave, I mean, haul!

The Story Of My Life

You’re riveted – I know. As passed on by blogger Carly Findlay (click on title for link to her blog), here is my meme (gotta love any request that has the word “me” in it twice!):

But wait – what’s a meme?
In the context of web logs / ‘blogs / blogging and other kinds of personal web sites it’s some kind of list of questions that you saw somewhere else and you decided to answer the questions. Then someone else sees them and does them and so on and so on.
~ This is according to The Daily Meme (they should know)

Here’s mine:

What experience most shaped you and how?
Being diagnosed with a chronic illness at the age of 10. I don’t discuss it on this blog, as it doesn’t have much to do with dating, mating and relationships, but it forced me to take responsibility for myself at a young age. I had to be more mature than my friends and it taught me the value of life. It shaped me more than anything I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve been around the block a few times…

What would you do with a whole day of no commitments?
Nothing. I crave doing nothing. There’s just always something…

What food and drink would you never give up?
food: chocolate
drink: champagne

Give me a savoury recipe that doesn’t include cheese
Just remember – you asked me!!! This recipe comes from The Barefoot Contessa and I’ve never met anyone who didn’t like it:
Roasted Asparagus
Snap bottoms off asparagus
Place spears on a baking sheet sprayed with Pam or such the like
Cover in good olive oil and sprinkle with coarse salt and freshly ground pepper
Bake in hot oven (425 F) for 20 – 25 mins
(you could finish it off with cheese, but trust me, it’s not necessary)

If you could travel anywhere, where would it be and why?
Fiji – it looks like paradise and I’d like to see if it actually is.

If you were the leader of your country, what would you do?
I would not increase taxes without increasing services.
I would stop taxing the savings of hard working people who are already paying income tax.
I would not charge land transfer tax on condos, which are built up. How is it possible to charge land transfer on a piece of sky? I would not be sh*tty like that.

If you could spend one day in another person’s body, whose would it be?
Is this a trick question? Come on… Obviously, I would be Ricky Gervais.

Which woman author do you admire and why?
Obviously, I admire Helen Fielding, who wrote the story of my life. I also admire Margaret Mitchell, a Pulitzer Prize winner, who wrote my favourite book, Gone With The Wind. I cried when I finished it. It was a perfectly detailed, thoroughly researched and totally gripping read. She was an incredibly talented author who died tragically before her time.

Passing the meme to:
The Uneasy Writer
Scandalous Housewife
Fin

Today's Funny

Golf on Wednesdays

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?' Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays, but on Wednesday, I play golf.

Today's Funny

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support,
Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.
In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as
Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1. Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system.
Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail. What can I do?
Signed,
Desperate.


Dear Desperate,
First, keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an operating system.
Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html, try to download Tears 6.2, and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If those applications work as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5. However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to
Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0, or Beer 6.1.
Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.
Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)
In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0-program. This is an unsupported application and will crash Husband 1.0.
In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.
Good Luck!
Tech Support

Sports, ballet and other relationship atrocities...

I had to watch World Cup football for my boyfriend today. When the request was first made, I was shocked and dismayed. However, I realized that I might have to ask G Spot, my FIFA-loving lover, to participate in something that he might not like at some point. As a result, we ended up at a bar watching the game with the most dedicated fans. At 9.30 in the morning. On a Sunday.

Now, I'm quite girly, so this was a big stretch for me. At any given time, I'd rather eat a bowl of my own hair than watch sports. I don't care for high stakes games, championships or Olympics. I sat there this morning, staring at the screen in the same just-saw-a-ufo expression that my mom had when I tried to teach her how to use the internet. Clueless.

My question is: are we supposed to try to care or are we just supposed to fake it? I will never care for sports and that's final. Of course, I want to support G Spot and if he's interested, I'll listen and watch. What if I was, say, a fan of romantic comedies... I think I would be okay if G Spot pretended to care a bit and let me watch a dvd or two. I would appreciate it if he would go to the theatre with me, but I don't think I'd expect it often - why torture someone knowingly (unless they've really p*ssed you off...)?

Really, this morning taught me to both fake it and pretend to care. Because he cares, I care (a teeny bit). I will admit that it added a dimension to G Spot's persona, as I've never really seen him as a sporto until today. I also didn't know he had the capacity to drink that many alcoholic beverages before noon. So be it. Now that I've sat through a soccer match and survived, I'm sure G Spot will be eagerly anticipating the opera, ballet or Oprah that he will be forced to watch in the near future!

Thought For The Day

Happy. Fucking. Monday.

Clothes Men Love But Women Hate

Yes!!! Further to the post below on the clothes that women love but men hate, the tables have now been turned. I love it when that happens! Due to popular demand by women after our faves were trashed by the lifestyle gurus at Yahoo.com, a list of the most offensive male attire has been published. See below for highlights:

* Mandals ~ Hell, no! There is nothing worse than a man in sandals. I cannot tell you what a bigger turnoff would be for me, save for a man in socks and sandals. I feel sick just thinking about it. Ew. Any man who dares to wear sandals after this post has been published must only do so after having a proper pedicure, which means that no man will be seen wearing sandals ever again. Phew!
* Muscle Tops and Sleeveless Undershirts ~ The wifebeater denotes a few things: the fact that one might actually be a wife beater; trailer park; laziness (is it that hard to put on a shirt?). Don't kill the mystery for us - we want to imagine the bulging biceps beneath those sexy long sleeves and then be disappointed after.
* Ed Hardy Shirts ~ Women just don't like having men be more blinged out than us. It's like wearing something bedazzled or fringed and for the love of gawd, if Jon Gosselin is all over it, you just know its wrong.
*Baggy Pants ~ Seriously. Just look at the picture above. What's going wrong here? Loaded diaper? Poopy pants?? Ass reduction surgery??? Yeesh.

Quote of the Day

"Men wake up aroused in the morning. We can’t help it. We just wake up and we want you. And the women are thinking, “How can he want me the way I look in the morning?” It’s because we can’t see you. We have no blood anywhere near our optic nerve."
~ Andy Rooney

ew

Clothes Women Love But Men Think Are Ugly

Waaaahhhhh..... Some of my faves have made the list. The lifestyle gurus at Yahoo.com have published a list (click on title above for link) of fashion crimes according to men. Here goes:

* Ugg boots ~ Fair enough. They earned their name honestly, Ugg being short for "ugly boots" according to the Aussies. I don't own any. I am aware how they make women look
* Harem pants ~ Yeah. They didn't look good on MC Hammer in the early 90's. They didn't look good when they became trendy for 5 seconds last spring. They don't look good in pictures, they don't look good on models and they don't look good on you
* Hoop earrings (the HUGE ones) ~ It's so J. Lo. I fell victim to this craze in the late 80's. I dropped the hoops when Janet Jackson's Rhythm Nation dropped off the charts
* Booty shorts ~ Seriously. Have you seen my ass lately? Have you seen your ass lately?? I urge all women under the age of 25 to get a good rear view before wearing these outdoors. All women over the age of 25 should be shot if caught wearing these outdoors
* Sweatpants with words on the butt ~ Why would it matter if they have words on the butt? Women should not wear sweat pants full stop
* Gladiator sandals ~ Totally agree. They are SO unsexy
* Leggings ~ This hurts me. I wore them today. I wore them yesterday. And the weekend before that. And the weekend before that incredibly comfortable weekend. Seriously???!!! Are they that unsexy? How can something that feels so good be so undesirable?? Don't men understand that the look of confidence radiating from our faces is due to nothing more than a high lycra content and elastic waistband???

Quote of the Day

"Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull. It is the sex instinct which makes women seem beautiful, which they are once in a blue moon, and men seem wise and brave, which they never are at all. Throttle it, denaturalize it, take it away, and human existence would be reduced to the prosaic, laborious, boresome, imbecile level of life in an anthill."
~H.L. Mencken (via @SexCigarsBooze)

The Men You Should Never Marry

Perhaps, someday soon, someone will write an article about the type of man one should marry. In the meantime, here are weirdos to watch out for. These tips have been brought to us by National Moderate News Magazine. The main correspondent, quite shockingly, is Father Pat Connor, an 81 year old priest from New Jersey. I know, I know... it seems so wrong. Like, what the hell would he know? Well, he's been listening to the real housewives of New Jersey complain in the confessional for decades and has passed on these transcendental tips:

* Money really is important in a relationship. Father Pat's words: "Yes. Yes. Yes, to that one." Ew. That was waaaaay too many yes's coming from a priest. Ew.
* Never marry a man who cannot hold down a job. Ew. Ew ew ew. Ew.
* Never marry a man who has no friends. Fair enough. Linking yourself to Johnny No Mates means he'll never take off for a boys weekend and leave you the eff alone.
* Never marry a man who is more affectionate in public than in private. Why?!
* Never marry a man whose first wife had to sue for child support. The first wife. Child support. Welcome to dating in your 30's. Isn't it glam?
* If you feel no physical attraction to him, don't marry him. Unless he's Trump. Or Hef. Or King. Or an oil baron. Or a CEO of a large multinational. Or...
* Never marry a man who notices all your faults but never his own. Yowza - Father really does know best!

Quote of the Day

"There are three possible parts to a date, of which at least two must be offered: entertainment, food, and affection. It is customary to begin a series of dates with a great deal of entertainment, a moderate amount of food, and the merest suggestion of affection. As the amount of affection increases, the entertainment can be reduced proportionately. When the affection is the entertainment, we no longer call it dating. Under no circumstances can the food be omitted."
~Miss Manners’ Guide to Excruciatingly Correct Behaviour (via @SexCigarsBooze)

Thought For The Day

I would like to take the time to point out that people who criticize or try to find fault in your or my relationship are miserable in their own relationship. So, to all the haters, as my mother, the intolerant June Cleaver Blogshaw would say, please f*ck off and die.
Thanks

One of these things is not like the other...

… and isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t it also good that I resisted the urge to quote the lyrics to “Opposites Attract” as the title of this post?? Isn’t it too bad that I couldn’t resist using the picture of Paula Abdul and Scat Cat to get the point across??? What has become of me?!

This post is dedicated to my lover, G Spot, who seems to feel that we have more differences than similarities. I disagree. Yes, we are very different people, however I believe that the things we do have in common are important enough to outweigh our differences. Here are some of the things that we don’t have in common:

* Temperament – he’s calm, cool and collected. I’m a raging spitfire. So?
* Motivation – I walk my talk. He watches.
* Planning – In my opinion, there’s nothing like a solid five year plan. He's better with a five hour plan.
* Fighting – He fights fair. I’m a steamroller.

Below are things we do agree on:

* Long Term Goals – Yep, seems we both want the same things.
* Family – Agreed that both of ours are crazy. Agreed that we both still need the madzers in our lives.
* Career – Yes, it’s important. No, it’s not the most important.
* Politics – We both hate politicians equally.
* Religion – Agreed to disbelieve.

Seriously, people… How fun and exciting would relationships be if we were the same as each other? What would two people who are eerily alike ever learn from each other?? How could two people with the same strengths and weaknesses ever grow and challenge each other??? And, most importantly, how could 2 people who are exactly the same ever have knock down, drag out fights that end in passionate and orgasmic make-up sex???!!!

Yes, opposites attract. Yes, opposites can detract. The thing that seems to be the most important is that our differences should be complimentary. Where I am weak, G Spot is strong. I think this is a winning combination. Having two Carrie Blogshaws in a relationship, though it does sound fabulous, might be a bit much. Same with having two G Spots. Ummm, wait a minute...

Today's Funny

I am posting this joke in honour of my PMS and all the poor fools who will be affected/haunted/harrassed by it this week:

UCLA STUDY (very interesting and short)

A study worth sharing with friends both male and female:

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed
that the kind of face a woman finds attractive on a man can differ
depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle. For example: if she is
ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.
However, if she is menstruating or menopausal, she tends to be more
attracted to a man with duct tape over his mouth and a spear lodged in his
chest while he is on fire.

No further studies are expected.

Trauma of the Day

I just read an article in National Moderate Womens Magazine that maintains the female orgasm is genetic. I'm barfing and have an image in my head that I might have to beat out with the spiky heel of one of my coveted Valentino bow shoes.
Apparently (and disgustingly...), a 2005 study at the University of Chicago found that DNA influences how frequently women hit a high note during sex and when self-stimulating. Thanks, Ma!!! ew.....

Today's Funny

A lesson in anger management.

~ courtesy of SexCigarsBooze via Twitter (click on title for larger image)

Thought For The Day

If the skin on my ass could give me the finger, it would.

10 Things You Can Never Say On A Date

According to the relationship-relevant researchers at TremendousNews.com, there are 10 things you should never say on a date. In hindsight, and I'm cringing as I write this, I see that it's a miracle that I'm still dating. Here goes:

1. "You remind me of my ex." ~ This is like going to a job interview and the boss says You remind me of exactly the type of person we fire. Yep. I compared my current lover, G Spot, to one of my former lovers, The Tortured Artist Who Runs Like a Girl. However, I made the comparison after we'd been dating for a while and I was comparing their looks and life experiences (similar). I would like to add that G Spot does not run like a girl. He is a very manly runner. Oh Gawd...

2. "You remind me of my dad." ~ Just say You’re never getting laid. OH GAWD.... I made this comparison last weekend!!! They are very similar... I haven't gotten laid since.

3. "Does this look infected to you?" ~ If it’s debatable, it’s not presentable. I did happen to point out a shoulder injury to both G Spot and Emotional Fuckwit '08 when I started seeing them. It was hard to hide, as I was limping around like the hunchback of Notre Dame. It was hot.

4. "I forgot to take my meds." ~ Anti-rapist pills? Diarrhea? When we wonder, we start with those. Okay, I have used this as an excuse not to stay the night...

5. "So I read on Google that you..." ~ We want to be courted, romanced, then creepily stalked. Don’t upset the order. Oh come on! Of course we should be googling each other. For the love of safety and security, let this one go!!!

6. "You're late. Are you screwing someone else?" ~ Yes! Let’s keep it short, I’m late for another screwing appointment. No one's ever been late for a date with Carrie Blogshaw.

7. "You don't watch that 'To Catch a Predator' show, do you?" ~ Be proud. It’s network TV. I watch it. I ask. I'm still dating.

8. "I have the worst hemmorhoid." ~ You can compare this one to others? Think of what the future will bring. Come on, people. COME. ON.

9. "I only brought enough money for what I got." ~ Nothing’s hotter than poorness. Please. I always bring enough money for 2 cups of tea...


10. "I've already sent you a friend request on Facebook." ~ So you can’t ever, ever leave me. So I have a big social network.... SO???!!!

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

Yep, so I'm another year older and another year uglier. I have now fallen even deeper into my dirty thirties and, gawd help me, I'm only one year away from technically being in my dreaded mid-thirties. I feel sick.

I recently came across my great aunt's old passport. Her marital status was listed as 'spinster.' She was 5 years younger than I am now. Once more, I feel sick.

I still cannot shake the fact that I am, for all intents and purposes, Bridget Jones. Now, I love Bridge. We all do. However, as hapless and lovable as the character is, I don't actually want to be the character. What am I even talking about - by the end of the second book, wasn't she engaged to the lovely Mr. Darcy???!!! Great. I'm a step or two behind Bridget Jones. I know I shouldn't feel this way, that I should just embrace my sexy spinster status, but it's still a bit of a private nightmare for me. And my mother. It also doesn't help that, when I tell people my age, they have one of the following reactions:

* the stunned, open-mouthed, slack-jawed look
* the shocked gasp
* the offering of sympathy ~ "Oh, I understand. It took me a long time to get my life together, too..."
* the look of pity and fear (my personal fave and the most common)
* the "oh, but you look so young" offering. yeah, whatever - tell that to the skin on my ass!

Today's Funny

I was supposed to go out with this guy on Friday night. On Friday afternoon, he called and said that he didn't think it was a good idea because he wanted to be "just friends."
So, I hung up and called him back. When he answered, I said, "Hey, friend, it's me. Want to hear what this jerk just did?"

~ Katina Corrao at Comix in NYC (courtesy of Readers Digest)

If It's Not One Thing, It's My Mother: Cold Front

Wow! Just when I thought it couldn't get more bizarre on the other side of Cosmopolitan City, I had my mother tell me about her weekend. Yikes. Her story, like many others, shows how very, very hard men are to train. Properly.

Ward and June, tired from having moved into their new digs, decided to kick back and watch some telly. In true form, my technologically-challenged father, Ward, broke the television in the family room. According to my mother, the tuned-in and tormented June Cleaver-Blogshaw, Ward walked into the bedroom, stole the remote from her hot little hands and turned on a movie about war (zzzzzzz!) that he'd already seen. June asked him if he remembered that he'd already seen that movie and he said he did remember (the cheek!). June stormed out of the bedroom and was forced to re-watch Come Dance With Me (an old Richard Gere/J. Lo vehicle that no decent person should be forced to watch once, let alone twice). She was so pissed that she slept in the guest bedroom and didn't speak to Ward until the next day.

Ward, having perhaps clued in earlier, feigned ignorance the next day... June asked him if he knew why she'd slept in the guest room the night before (ahhhh, passive aggressive questioning - an oldie but a goodie!!!). Ward responded that he must have been snoring. Wrong! June asked him what he might have done the night before that would have pissed her off (passive-aggressive, indirect and hostile!). Ward, predictably, had no clue. June threw her hands up in despair and advised him to "f*ck off and die."

The moral of the story? There isn't one. This is simply an observation that, after 35 years of training, my father is just as clueless and my mother is just as harried as the were when they got married.

Dating Tips: 9 Things Happy Couples Talk About

According to a recent study published in Psychological Science (and reported by Yahoo.com - click on above link), there are 9 conversation topics that separate happy couples from bitter, warring couples. This is a relief, because G Spot and I actually talk about more than just 9 things and most of our exchanges are positive! The 9 comely convos are:

1. Embarrassing Moments I am happy to report that G Spot and I are able to discuss our embarrassing moments. Well, perhaps we spend a bit more time talking about my embarrassing episodes than his... I've told him about the ridiculous things I did in high school, the idiot moments of my early twenties, the idiot moments of my early thirties, the idiot moments of last week.....

2. Political Viewpoints Yes, we can talk about politics, but it isn't pretty... G Spot is more liberal and much more of a bleeding heart than I am. It may not be easy or without debate when we talk politics, but we can talk politics (just don't get us started on religion)...

3. Fears and Insecurities Yep, we talk about this, too. It turns out that we both have fears and insecurities. I'm finding this out now, because I never really bothered talking to boyfriends about this kind of stuff in the past. I didn't want to seem weak, and I suspect they didn't, either. So, instead of appearing weak, the relationships were weak and didn't last. Interesting...

4. Childhood G Spot has heard the stories and seen the pictures (I can't help it - I was so cute!!!). I know about his ninja, skateboarding and Wall Street phases and he knows about my skating, skateboarding and drunk-grunge-party girl phases and we're still together.

5. Past Relationships Yeah, this part's really no fun, but it has to be done. We are both aware of where we've been and who we've done. I do believe it's important to discuss the past in order to shed insight into how our experiences have shaped who we are in our current relationship. I have found that analyzing my past has enabled me to identify what is important to me now and, also importantly, what is not.

6. Family Life My family is crazy. His family is crazy. End of conversation.

7. Current Events He reads. I watch TMZ. He enlightens me on international goings on and I update him on the state of Brangelina's marriage, the Sandra and Jesse affair and the fact that Lindsay Lohan was spotted with white powder on her shoes... And he still loves me.

8. TV and Movies As mentioned above, the talking about the TV is my territory. In turn, he tells me about all the movies and documentaries he has seen, as that is more his scene. See? Yin and Yang.

9. The Future Yes, we've discussed it. We've pondered, questioned, trouble-shooted and forecasted. It's tricky territory and not for the faint-hearted, but neither are relationships!

Today's Funny

Men are like laxatives.
They irritate the crap out of you.

Men are like bananas.
The older they get, the less firm they are.

Men are like weather.
Nothing can be done to change them.

Men are like blenders.
You need one, but you're not quite sure why...

Men are like chocolate bars.
Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.


Men are like department stores.
Their clothes are always 1/2 off!

Men are like government bonds.
.... They take soooooooo long to mature.

Men are like mascara.
They usually run at the first sign of emotion.

Men are like popcorn.
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.

Men are like snowstorms.
You never know when they're coming, how many
inches you'll get or how long it will last.

Men are like lava lamps.
Fun to look at, but not very bright.

Men are like parking spots.
All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Your Cheatin' Heart

Seriously – what the eff is going on here??? I’ve never heard as much about cheating in my life as I have in the past few months. My first exposure to a cheating scandal was in my youth, when Price Charles famously two-timed Princess Diana with “the rottweiler” Camilla Parker-Bowles. As if that wasn’t shocking enough, then came Hugh Grant’s famous fellatio scenario with the lovely and demure Divine Brown.

News of wrecked romances dominate the headlines in Hollywood. The amount of cheating that’s been going on since the golden age of entertainment can’t possibly compare to the insane amount of philandering that’s happening now. Lately, we had the David Letterman scandal, followed closely by the Tiger Woods scandal. Aterwards, Jesse James. Now, Larry King. For f*ck’s sake, even Larry King can get it whenever he wants it. Jeez!

Now, I take issue with the convenient excuse of these cheeky cheaters suffering from “sex addiction.” Riiight. I do believe that it must be really hard for famous men to resist the temptation of hot, young girls (or even semi-hot, older women) throwing themselves in their direction. It must be tough. However, if it’s so easy to give in to temptation, then why are these guys getting married? Perhaps, if they are going to be surrounded by hotties all their lives, they should just go for it and forget about commitment. Even Hugh Hefner agrees and has been quoted as saying “...this whole idea that it’s a sex addiction is a cop-out.” When Hef’s not supporting that notion, you know it’s crap!

Let’s put this in terms that I can relate to. I will admit to having a weakness for, if not tall, dark & handsome men, then definitely, shopping. Let’s say that every time I left my house there were throngs of beautiful shoes, handbags and dresses waiting for me… I have a penchant for such things and would likely find it difficult to walk past the temptation all the time without eventually giving in. I’d be the best dressed b*tch on the block…

Ladies, do you think it’s possible for a man to be faithful throughout an entire relationship? If women like Princess Di, Elizabeth Hurley and Sandra Bullock can’t keep a man’s attention, can we?

Men, is it out of the realm of possibility to be faithful to a woman within a committed relationship for its entirety? Are these famous philanderers exceptions to commitment or is Tiger’s woody simply famous because it got caught?!

Out of sight, out of mind?

Nope! Look at us grow! Yep, my worldly lover, G Spot and I took a mini break together to the beautiful, exciting, expensive and expansive city of New York. The trip involved a lot of careful planning and itinerary-arranging on my part (apparently this is an area of great challenge for most men...), but it was well worth it. Knowing that we can travel together without incident (or insolence) is a nice lesson learned. Phew!

After our successful city tour, I continued on to a week long vacay with Ward and June at Shady Pines in Sunny Southern State. It was a fabulous and much needed vacation, especially considering the copious amount of careful planning and itinerary-arranging that I had been up to for weeks before... Now, G Spot and I have been separated by vacations before, but this time was really tough. After a few days of soaking up the sun by the pool and checking out the sad state of silver foxes driving bright red, convertible Mercedes while checking out their neighbours daughters (ew!), the pangs of absence became pronounced. Things worsened throughout the remainder of the trip. By the last day, although the thought of having to leave to go back to real life was dissatisfactory the thought of not being able to connect with my G Spot for another day (I know, I know!!!), was too much to bear.

Contrary to many of my past dating experiences, I was actually looking forward to seeing G Spot when I returned. We had a nice reunion at the really romantic airport terminal (where I was sweating like a whore at customs trying to smuggle all my vacay loot into Cosmopolitan City) and great sex afterwards, proving that not only does absence make the heart grow fonder, but abstinence makes the heart grow fonder, too!

Over or Under? How do you roll???

You know what? Who really cares as long as someone actually does change the freaking effing goddamn roll after they've finished with it???!!! Nothing says "I care deeply about you" by leaving one to drip dry while the replacement roll is stored in the secretive and sneaky hiding spot of under the bathroom sink... Jeez!

This post is dedicated to my favourite lover, G Spot. My prized personal pleasure center and I have reached the stage in our relationship where we are trying to determine our compatability along the dimensions of being able to stand each other long term. We seem to score high on important dimensions such as shared goals, desires and core values. We have low scores along beliefs in life after death, the use of psychics to provide guidance in our lives and that men are able to accomplish necessary tasks as well as women. They can't. They just bloody well can't.

Like most couples, we differ on a few dimensions that are domestic in nature. Actually, we seem to differ on most dimensions that are domestic in nature... Such as, you ask? Well, besides the dreaded non-replacement of the loo roll, there is also:

* Unruly manhandling of the washroom handtowels. This was the first domestic directive that I had to issue, but so far so good. Now, they lay on the towel rack disheveled, but not totally bedraggled. That's progress.

* The throwing of my beautiful tufted silk coverlet from Madly Expensive Home Decor Store on the floor with reckless abandon, but it's done in the name of mad, passionate sex, so I therefore excuse it.

* The hiding of empty containers in the fridge. Isn't it cute when men finish the milk and then put the empty carton back in the fridge and then complain when there is no milk? Isn't it cute when they do that with the orange juice, too?? And the sugar free Kool Aid that is really meant for my enjoyment???

Today's lesson? Over. Under. Upside down. Rightside up. I'm not fussy. Just bloody well change the damn thing at the right time and we can continue to live our lives as we have come to know them. That, men, is the recipe for domestic bliss on all dimensions!