Sick Sex

Yeah. I mean, really… I’ve been approached for sex when I’ve had colds, flus, wicked PMS, just after hand surgery, just after butt surgery… I’ve had broken ankle sex (btw – that wasn’t comfortable), torn rotator cuff sex and, worst of all, the romp while brutally bloated. Yeah.

I’ve never been in a relationship where sexual attraction waned, which I’m very happy about. Always, on some level, there is a high degree of desire that I believe is key in sustaining a long term relationship. However, how much is too much? Where do you draw the line between keeping it fresh and f*cking a freak?? How sick is too sick???

Last weekend, I got sick. I joked with G Spot about sick sex , which was no deterrent. He was eager to get it on. Really???!!! I was blowing my nose all over the place and, believe me, it was not hot. If G Spot had been coughing and blowing his way around the room, I wouldn’t have been game. What is sexy about a woman who’s sweating, sputtering and forming a dependent relationship with a box of tissues? Even though I was wearing a thong, the look just wasn’t happening…

I’ve been highly educated on the virtues of sex and how it improves health. According to all my boyfriends, both past and present, the list of pros goes on and on. And on. The Alcoholic Workaholic liked to tell me that cum is high in protein. Emotional F*ckwit ’08 tried to tell me that trace amounts of vital nutrients could be found in his spunk. G Spot believes firmly in the healing power of his mad sex. Perhaps he’s right – I usually do feel better afterwards. But sometimes, guys, please… Mildly sick sex can definitely have benefits, but super sick sex is so unsightly!

300

How many dates does it take to find a suitable partner? According to Emotional Fuckwit '08 (see related post below), it takes over 300. I should have raised my eyebrows (I'm sure I did but the shock was blinding and obviously limited my sense of reason at the time) when he told me that he'd dated over 300 women in the few years since his divorce. 300 women???!!! That seems like a lot of ladies, nights out, drinks, money and STD's...

After this admission, I SHOULD have wondered about how picky he is. I SHOULD have known at that point that he was obviously seeking the delusion of perfection. I have heard it theorized that we (the category of 'we' excludes the following: cads, casanovas, gigolos, pimps, hookers, whores, contestants on The Bachelor, etc.) could make it work (meaning: have a relationship) with every 5th person that we date. If this is true, Emotional Fuckwit '08 had 60 chances with women whom he could have had a meaningful, longterm relationship with. Instead, he CHOSE to go on 240 more dates than he really had to. Why didn't I think of it this way before? I could have saved myself such emotional anguish and confusion over his intense Daniel Cleaver-ish behaviour.

I'm not sure how many people I've dated at this point. I gave up counting a while back, due to many issues including memory loss (a sign of aging), the fact that I can't count that high and that there are a few special cases that I've blocked out of my mind. As many people as I have been out with, I can assure you that it's nowhere near 300 - that's just obscene. When it comes to 300, I can think of better things to do with that number:

* 300 European, South American or Caribbean vacations

* 300 pairs of sexy shoes

* 300 dirty martinis to help aid the memory loss

* 300 calories burned each time I THINK of going to the gym

* 300 men lusting at the chance to date ME

Tease

I’ve been called a lot of things in my time, but to be called a TEASE by the last guy that I dated, Emotional Fuckwit ’08, was quite shocking. I don’t see myself as a tease, and neither do my friends (I've conducted a lengthy survey on prudish behaviour to investigate this claim). I doubt my family would describe me that way either, however I’d prefer not to ask their opinions on this one…

To say that my friends consider me to be a frigid b*tch is not an exaggeration. I admit to having gone through a promiscuous phase in university, but I recovered as soon as I graduated and have not gone back. I am now loyal and monogamous when in relationships and conduct myself accordingly. I’m sure you can imagine the look on my wholesome, delicate-flower face when this dude called me a tease WHILE WE WERE FOOLING AROUND!!!???!!!

After that incredibly awkward encounter, we decided to torture ourselves further by continuing to date. He professed his desire to be in a relationship and seemed to be quite on board with my approach to life and dating (well, when I wasn’t being a TEASE).

When he wasn’t insulting me sexually, we had quite a lot of fun. Both of us seemed to think it was a good fit. The rest of our dating drama consisted of one communication breakdown after another, complimented by the odd good date. After a while, he started calling in a sporadic pattern that made no sense and did not promote dating or relationship-building. Clearly, he has no future as a telemarketer.

It was confusing – he would call me 1 or 2 weeks after a date, or 1 week after I’d called him (not sexy). We would get together and he would make me feel like the most desirable woman on the planet, and then I wouldn’t hear from him. Most perplexing of all is that he continues to call bi-weekly without acknowledging that we stopped seeing each other almost 2 months ago. Whenever I see the name ‘Emotional Fuckwit’ appear on my phone, I want to run and hide. Poor beggar. And HE called ME a tease???!!!