Monday, August 23, 2010

What Guys Really Think: Your Hair and Makeup

Welcome to my new topic: What Guys Really Think. Based on the title, you are correct to assume that these will be short posts!

This week, thanks to the lifestyle gurus at, we will examine what men really think about our hair and makeup. Not surprisingly, it turns out that women use both sides of the brain to perceive beauty. Men? Well, they only use the right side of the brain. Yep, they're only using half their brain, but we already knew that... This is how they interpret half-brained beauty:

* What He Notices First ~ 81% of men said that they notice eyes first. 19% are lip men. The 81% who said eyes really meant to say boobs.
* Eye Makeup ~ Apparently, men prefer darkly lined eyes and smoky eyeshadow. This makeup style makes the eyes look bigger, which is a turn on. I can't pull off a smoky eye. I am sad.
* Eyelashes ~ Not surprisingly, men are not hot for fake lashes. Perhaps it's the glue marks. Perhaps it's the constant eyelid fluttering and rubbing. Perhaps it's the strip that comes unglued and hangs off... Whatever it is exactly, try to avoid it, my little Tammy Fayes.
* The Right Amount of Makeup ~ Not too much. Not too little. I must say, I've found the opposite to be true in my clubbing and general evening out experiences in Cosmopolitan City...
* Pink Cheeks ~ Break out the blusher. Flushed cheeks signaled that a cave babe was healthy back in the day. Our lovable neanderthals, only using half their brain power, are still intoxicated by it.
* Lip Colour ~ Not too dark. Not too bright. Not too slick. Not too matte. Tell that to the patrons of most of the bars, clubs and circuses in Cosmopolitan City!

Sunday, August 22, 2010

Vera Wanker

This weekend, I found myself at one of the most upscale bridal shops in Cosmopolitan City. I should preface this by mentioning that I haven’t been to many weddings at all (let alone trying to plan one). I’m pretty much a nuptual novice. Perhaps I should have brought an entourage to help me find a dress, however I felt that I would have an easer time on my own. Having an easy time at Upscale Bridal Shop was not meant to be.

Quite typically, I encountered the worst of the stereotype of the hoity-toity salesperson. It was so Pretty Woman. Ummmm, ladies, please remember… You work there. I shop there. ‘Nuff said. Trust me - if I didn’t have the gold Visa limit of my mother, the spare-no-expense-for-the-love-of-god-you’re-finally-getting-married June Cleaver-Blogshaw, I wouldn’t have bothered walking through the door. Jeez!

Apparently, according to the Vera Wankers, it’s simply scandalous to ask if the famed designer would create such an ungodly concoction as a cocktail or tea length dress. The horror! You would have thought that I’d asked where the collection of polyester dresses was… I also had the nerve to ask if any of the Wankers were available to help me, as most were just sitting around looking average. After much dissatisfied clucking and rolling of the eyes, I was told that they only work by appointment. Of course. Since when did wankers become important enough to work by appointment only??? In my experience, you certainly don’t need a good time to have a Vera Wanker!

Sunday, August 8, 2010

Today's Funny

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband at home watching tv. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past 6 months. He won't go to counselling. I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,

Monday, August 2, 2010

Everyone wants to marry their g spot...

... only I get to!!! Yep - I love my g spot so much I’m going to marry it…
… No, really, I’m going to marry my G Spot!!!

This is a very exciting development in the long and drawn out love life of Carrie Blogshaw. Finally, after years (and years, and years…) of dating emotional f*ckwits, alcoholics, workaholics and megalomaniacs, I will marry my Mr. Blog.

My relationship with G Spot has been the most rewarding and positive experience that I’ve had. And I’ve had lots. Yes, the thought of a lifelong commitment was previously scary, but now it feels right. I should be so lucky to spend my time (yes, all of it… the good, the bad and the ugly…) with someone this fabulous. What’s to fear?

Now, I have to start planning the wedding. This must be taken seriously, as people don’t get to marry their g spots every day and I’m sure everyone will want the very best. In the true theme of marrying a g spot, I’ll try to choose a venue that’s truly storied and rough around the edges. It will have to be hard to find, but when we get there, it’ll be soooo worth it!