Saturday, February 28, 2009

...brown paper packages tied up with string, these are a few of my favourite things...

Who delivers these lovely packages? Of course, it's the UPS guy. When I say ‘the UPS guy’ I am also referring to the FedEx guy, the DHL guy and the Purolator guy. I do not, however, include bike messengers, packages delivered by taxi drivers (god, no!) or the much maligned mailman in this esteemed grouping of dishy distributors – for some reason, they don’t fit into this category of strangely sexy men. After all, when was the last time that a UPS guy went postal???

I’ve always wondered about the way that women become enthralled by the UPS guy. What is it about him? What makes him such a studly sex symbol?? What was it about the delivery guy in Legally Blonde that inspired Elle Woods to teach her esthetician the famous bend & snap seduction strategy??? I have considered this for a remarkably long time and have identified the following traits that most women probably find VERY attractive about the UPS guy:

* He visits regularly

* He doesn’t stay too long

* He’s always friendly

* He always brings something

* He has a car

* He can stick to a schedule

* His uniform is always clean and pressed

* He’ll read a map

Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Ooooohhhhh, Whateveryournameis......

Once upon a time, in the west end of Cosmopolitan City, lived a lovely young singleton named Slash* (yes, there is a resemblance - hair only, though). Slash went to a local bar one night to meet friends and get intoxicated. At local bar, she ran into her longtime friend/on again off again lover, Friendly Local Drunk. They shared stories, laughed, got caught up, indulged in brief moments of affection/groping, and then got the boot at closing time.

During their romantic stumble home, Friendly Local Drunk was whispering sweet nothings into Slash's ear:
Him: "You're so beautiful. You're so sexy. I want to date you."
Her: (Details of response are currently unavailable. Unfortunately for all, I have not been able to drag it out of her. I have come to realize that I was not fully informed of all the details of what went on, which is making me wonder what Slash's role really was in this modern drama..... I suspect she's not as innocent as she claims...).

Back at Slash's flat, he continued to woo her as she passed out on the couch in an unconscious attempt to sleep off the effects of multiple pints (and, I suspect, a potent marijuana cigarette, but I'm just sayin'...). She woke up a few hours later to find Friendly Local Drunk asleep in a chair. She crept off to bed and, in true male form, he followed her. While they were snuggling between the sheets, he began to whisper more sweet nothings into her ear:
Him: "You're so pretty. I love your hair. I love Guns N Roses. I love lying here with you."
Her: zzzzzzzzzzzzzz (she was pretending to be asleep at this point - a classic avoidance tactic)
Him: "I want to be with you. I'd never hurt you like those other guys. I'd never let you go. Oooohhhhhhh....."
Her: ... continued snoring with exaggerated sigh for dramatic effect...
Him: "You're just so beautiful. I love you, Betty*."


Now, Slash was aware that Friendly Local Drunk had been engaged before they began hanging out, so she assumed that Betty was his ex-fiancee. She attempted to make sense of it all when talking to their common friend. When relaying the unfortunate incident to Common Friend, she asked about Friendly Local Drunk's ex-fiancee, Betty.
Him: "Betty? Who the f*ck is Betty?"
Her: "His fiancee?!"
Him: "Her name was Veronica*."

Slash and Friendly Local Drunk have never discussed this. It is possible that he was so blind drunk that he will never remember this gaffe. We are all hoping this is the case. In true, current non-communicative style, they have gone on to live happily ever after with their heads buried in the sand.

* Names have been changed to protect the identity of contributors

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Forgive me Father, for I have sinned...

…I have had proud, envious and angry thoughts. If I was male, I would confess to having had lustful, gluttonous and slovenly thoughts (and, 9 times out of 10, acting on them). Respected National Newspaper has synopsized an article published in The Times of London, regarding the different ways that men and women sin (click on title above for link).

Apparently, the Vatican newspaper (awwww… they have a paper…) conducted a survey on confessions within the catholic church (this should be good!). Although the order in which men and women sin is different, the sins are actually all the same. Who knew???!!! So, yes, men think about lust, gluttony and sloth first and foremost, however they do round out their sin lists with the more feminine fixations of pride, envy and anger.

I have, for some time now, tried explaining to whoever will listen that, although men and women are different, we have more in common than not. For example, we all have a need to be loved (desired quantity of lovers seems to be the difference within the similarity), we all need shelter (for some, a brothel may satisfy whereas for others, a happy home would suffice), we all need support networks (achieved through boys nights out and girls nights in) and we all need to have sex (YES!!!). Although we may focus on impure thoughts in different orders, I think it’s fair to say that men are actually NOT from Mars and women are actually NOT from Venus. Let’s agree to disagree that we are all from Earth???!!!

Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Confession of a Shopaholic

My name is Carrie Blogshaw, and I’m a shopaholic. I’ve been a shopaholic for many years and like any behavioural issue, it’s hard to stop doing something when you’re so damn good at it! After seeing the film version of the famous book, Confessions of a Shopaholic, I’m inspired to tell you about my issue with shopping. I prefer to refer to it as an ‘issue’ and not a ‘problem’, as I don’t carry any consumer debt (compared to the $17,000 that Becky Bloomwood owed to her creditors), and I therefore acknowledge that things could be worse. I would also like to point out that I’m a Taurus, and am therefore prone to materialism. According to the stars, I was born to be both stubborn and a super-consumer – that’s my excuse and I’m sticking to it.

The film, though predictable, was a lot of fun to watch - mostly for the love stories (the love story between Becky and Luke, the love story between Becky and Henri Bendel, the love story between Becky and cashmere, the love story between Becky and silk scarves, the love story between Becky and high heeled platform pumps….). The scene where she went through her closet was, frankly, orgasmic. Her collections of dresses and shoes brought tears to my eyes. For that scene alone, this is sure to become a classic chick flick and was almost as visually stimulating as the SATC movie (in a more eclectic, kitsch-y style).

The shopping scenes in New York were all too familiar to me. I travel there on business every couple of months and do the majority of my tertiary shopping there. Yes, I always give myself a budget and yes, I rarely stick to it. There is truth to how intoxicating the windows and displays can be. I, too, have hallucinated that mannequins (or stiff sales associates) were persuading me to purchase the most unnecessary items. I am enthralled by vibrancy and I’m a sucker for sparkle, which usually ends up with my credit cards begging for mercy and explains why my flat looks like 3 drag queens live there.

I like to look good most of the time (this excludes weekends – for some reason I find it totally acceptable to wear comfy athleticwear all of the time), but this comes at a cost. Like many people with ‘issues’, I shop not only for necessity, but also for fun. Some people try to solve problems by drinking (well, I do that, too…), smoking (I quit), mainlining heroin or punching (I have so far managed to suppress those urges entirely). I understand this - sometimes I shop to make myself feel better. Come on, girls - we all know how good it feels to buy something beautiful – something we feel we REALLY deserve. The exuberant feeling of purchasing something of peacock-quality (I mean that figuratively and literally – I started wearing peacock feathers on my head this fall…) is hard to beat. Perhaps it’s not all bad – although Becky paid the price for her luxurious lifestyle, her shopaholic tendency did help her to land a good job, a television appearance, a better job, a shopping day with an ultra-glam fashion magazine editor and then a great guy!

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Yes, I Ignored V Day

And for that, I apologize. I'm sure that you, my faithful readers, were shocked. Perhaps you were concerned, wondering if some terrible accident had rendered me unable to type or, worse, interrupted my ability to tap into my special brand of sarcasm... If anyone was expected to write a bitter, jaded rant about this specific Hallmark holiday, it was me. If I had started this blog a year ago, I would have been all over this like white on rice.

For quite a few years, if I was seeing someone around Valentines Day (more commonly referred to during that period as F*cking Valentines Day), I would have to end the relationship shortly before this day of loaded expectations due to lack of interest, an inability to feign enthusiasm and refusal to purchase a gift (doesn't really make sense to re-decorate a sinking ship, if you catch my drift...). My typical V Day celebrations included as many bitter, jaded singletons as I could find, sad bouquets of the cheapest leftover flowers and, not surprisingly, stupid amounts of alcohol.

This year, however, was different and wonderful - I had no frustration, disappointment or resentment to work with. And for that, I do not apologize!

Friday, February 13, 2009

One Track Mind

In an excerpt from the new book, Sex on the Brain by Dr. G. Amen (amen!), Chatelaine magazine (isn't it great for everyone when I get caught up on my reading???!!!) has synopsized the results of a timely his and hers brain scan. The results are as follows (and are not terribly surprising):

* "When a man's brain is in a resting state, at least 70 percent of his brain is shut down. On the other hand, when women were resting, at least 90 percent of their brain was active, confirming that women are always thinking..."

* "When asked to think of nothing, men's brains were more active in the more primitive physical activity centers, while women's brains were more active in the emotional centers."

* "Left to themselves, men will think about sex or their jump shot; women will think about their spouse, their children or parents."


Thursday, February 12, 2009

Mr Right? Mr Right Now?? Mr Right On slap and tickle wham bam thank you ma’am now get the hell out of my flat???

Am I ever loving the latest issue of Elle Canada (click on title above for link to related article)! The author of the article that has my attention claims to have figured out 7 signs that a man is a keeper. 7 signs – imagine that! I feel lucky if I can ever find 1 or 2 signs, so she must have found a great one to have had the luck to score on 7 dimensions of worthiness! She also took the time to identify 3 signs that show he’s not a keeper. These are 3 signs that I am all too familiar with:

*He cares more about himself than about you/your relationship

*He treats you like dirt

*He can’t keep his eyes off other women

Now, please see below for the 7 signs/reasons why you should NOT be kicking him out of bed for eating crackers:

HE KEEPS AGREEMENTS – This is a biggie. “If your man says he will be there to pick you up after your marathon spa session -- he will be, no ifs ands or buts. If he is going to be late, he will do the courteous thing and call to let you know. He'll be there -- so don't be late! He's also the kind of guy who won't ditch you for plans with his buddies. You can rely on him to do what he commits to.” I like it.

HE’S EMOTIONALLY MATURE & RESPONSIBLE – For this I have little firsthand experience. “He's not the type to blame others, or circumstances for life situations. He accepts accountability for his actions and is willing to self-examine, take responsibility and grow personally. When it comes to finishing up some work or procrastinating by watching a football game, he's going to get the work done first, then watch the game. While every man has a bit of the "boy" in him, he is all man when it really counts. He's a man who can look after himself (he can cook, do his laundry, hold down a job and keep his finances in track -- all without help from you).” Sign me up.

HE’S HONEST – Honesty is SO sexy and SO hard to come by. “You're not going to catch your guy in a lie. If he is out having fun with his guy friends, then he tells you and treats you with respect. Not only does he treat people fairly and honestly, he lives by a code of ethics that demonstrates his integrity.”

HE LOVES BEING WITH YOU – “He really wants to be with you to share time and experiences with you, even if that means heading to the mall to ponder the sales. He is happy to hear your voice, get an email from you when he's at work, and his face lights up when he sees you. It's great to be wanted and he can't hide how he feels about you.” If I can find a man who could keep up with me during one of my shopaholic, credit card-busting mall marathons, I’ll bow at his feet every night.

HE’S A COMMUNICATOR – “…he actually listens to your side of the story, not just nodding his head or impatiently waiting for his turn to talk. He should be genuinely interested in what you have to say, whether chatting about fave movies or having an argument. Conversely, he will expect you to do the same when it is his time to talk!” I’m getting turned on.

HE HAS A GREAT RELATIONSHIP WITH FAMILY & FRIENDS - "Ever hear the saying that if you see how a man treats his mother you will know how he will treat you? Well, it's true. And while every family has ups and downs, seeing your man stand tall and be supportive of his family is a good sign he's one to hang on to, because he will do the same for you.” We want them to have good relationships with friends and family (especially with moms and sisters, but not to have a TOOCLOSE relationship with mom, such as The Alcoholic Workaholic, who used to sleep IN THE SAME BED with his mother when she went to visit...).

HE IS EMOTIONALLY AVAILABLE & CONFIDENT – “He's not afraid to tell you exactly how he feels. He will be emotionally available to you because he trusts you and he loves you. He won't get upset if you tell him you think Brad Pitt is sexy (and you shouldn't when he says he thinks Scarlett Johanson is sexy!). He knows you love him and is confident about the strength of your relationship. Now that's a real keeper!” Yep - I think I just came!

Wednesday, February 11, 2009


Sexercise is my new favourite term and one that I hope to get on board with in 2009. According to Elle Canada (click on title above for link), an article in The Economist declared "sleep the new sex" in 2008. I'd like to declare regularly occuring sex as the new sex for 2009. According to the magazine author (don't know who this person is, but they are very smart!), having sex can keep us "fit and stress free". Sounds good to me. The article maintains that "(Even without an orgasm)" ...come on now... "sexual activity releases sex hormones that have beneficial effects on our immune, cardiovascular and neurological systems." Below are the 5 reasons why we should all be seeking regularly occuring sex:

* SEXERCISE - According to a study in the UK (those shagging bastards) "those who had regular sex were in better physical shape than those whose lovemaking sessions were more sporadic." We can also build buff bods through sex. "Depending on your position, it can add muscular training and conditioning as well as core stability from maintaining positions." My personal trainer has just lost his job.

* HAPPY HOUR - People who have regular sex are in better moods. Anyone who has known me for the past few years should take this as my excuse for being b*tchier than usual - sorry about that, but obviously I was a victim of my sexual circumstance. While getting it on, "Endorphins are produced in the brain and make you feel happy -- almost giddy." My pharmacist has just lost his job.

* FIRST AID - Apparently, "During intercourse, two chemicals are released in the body: endorphins and oxytocin; together, they act as a powerful opiate. Studies have shown that sex increases your pain threshold for [ailments such as] migraines and even menstrual cramps." My recreational drug dealer has just lost his job.

* BIG CHILL - Having the big one can help rid the signs of stress. "Sex can help lower your blood pressure when you're reacting to stressful situations." Perfect - I no longer need to go to National Chain Bookseller to get that book on coping skills and my therapist has now lost his job.

* FOREVER YOUNG - Perhaps most importantly of all, having sex can reduce the ugly signs of aging. According to a study, "couples who had sex at least three times a week looked at least 10 years younger than those who had sex twice a week." My plastic surgeon has just lost his job.

Let's get it on!

Saturday, February 7, 2009

Re: RoboSex

It’s only been a week or so since I introduced the brilliant business idea that the girls and I cooked up over copious amounts of booze and recreational drugs, but already the dream has been dashed. That’s right – one of my serially single gal pals (how, HOW did she find out about this???!!!) delicately broke the news that some other group of ingenious pleasure seekers beat us to the bank.

Yep, the OhMiBod musical vibrator ( hit the market in 2006 (admittedly, we were VERY late on this idea) and has been growing in popularity among musically inclined masturbators ever since. They have thought of everything – every playlist that we could have imagined and more, plus accessories and a variety of pleasure packs (something we never thought of…).


Sunday, February 1, 2009

Corden, James Corden

Allow me to introduce you to Britain’s newest sex symbol. Yes, this lovely limey is the latest heartthrob in the UK. He is a writer, actor, comedian and, obviously, model (see photo above). Certainly, he has a great sense of humour (and a great package – have you carefully checked out the photo?) and doesn’t take himself too seriously, which is seriously sexy.

James is in good company among recent British love gods. More and more comedians continue to make the annual ‘Sex Symbol’ lists, such as Ricky Gervais (of original ‘The Office’ fame) and David Walliams (please tell me you’ve seen ‘Little Britain’) – both of whom have senses of humour and intelligence to bring most witty gals to their knees. Unlikely, yes. Unsexy, no.

Like any Sexiest Man Alive, James went through a brief period where the attention went to his head. According to him, “I started to think I was a bit more of a dude than I really am.” Now, he claims to have his feet planted firmly on the ground and has been able to put his newfound fame into perspective. His David Beckham-inspired pose (which appeared in Heat magazine) caused waves in the UK. He maintains that he was not embarrassed to be photographed in his pants. He figures “if you want to be successful in comedy, you can’t have any shame. You can’t be cool and funny. You make a choice. You can either be really cool or really funny and then hopefully people will start to think that’s quite cool. Most of my life has been spent trying to make people laugh.”

What a dude! Now, could we just get some sexy glamour shots of Jennifer Saunders and Joanna Lumley (of Absolutely Fabulous fabulousness), Dawn French (of French and Saunders fame) and Sally Phillips (of Bridget Jones and Smack the Pony – a hilarious British sketch comedy show) on the cover of lad mags as some of the Sexiest Women Alive?