K Stew + R Pat = Cheating Trampire - Devoted Boyfriend

Now, I am not a math major, however that is a bad equation!
I would like to say that I was never a fan of the surly and miserable looking K Stew.  Although R Pat doesn't seem much happier, I could never understand the draw of a sullen, miserable woman.  I still wonder what on earth is going on with Posh and Becks...
Yesterday, the news broke that Kristin Stewart has cheated on her longtime boyfriend, Robert Pattinson with the director of her last film, Rupert Sanders.  Sanders is also a cheating man-whore and is married (to a model, hello!) with children.  Yowza.  I have always been amazed how R Pat stuck with Kristin for as long as he did, but can anyone explain the draw of this dour and dirty-looking (seriously!  like, WTF?!) "dish"?  I thought that men are attracted to bright, sunny and sexy singletons... What am I doing wrong here?  Do I need to embrace (or, at least, find) my inner vampiric dark side?? Should I become pale, morose and stop washing my hair??? 
I will say that it was apropriate of KStew to issue an apology before the story was broken by US Magazine.  It was also apropriate that R Pat moved out of their shared home this afternoon.  I await news come the breaking dawn (heh!) on the feeding frenzy of the vampire vixens on Edward Cullen.  Bye, bye, Bella!

The Proposal

Yesterday marked the one year anniversary of G No's proposal and my acceptance. What a difference a year has made. The anniversary of this ominous occasion was difficult for me. I'm wondering how it was for him.
I have decided to share with you, my reticent readers, the letter he gave me when he proposed. Why? I'm wondering if you can help me make sense of it all. The letter below sounds like it was written by a man who was deeply in love. Nine months later, he ran out the door. Three months later, I am still confused by what has happened. Re-reading the letter hasn't made this easier to reconcile.
Here goes:

Bright, beautiful Carrie,
I love you so much.
When I see you sleepy,
I just want to hold you or keep vigil at your side,
keep you safe.
When I see you happy,
talking away about family, friends or work,
I brighten. Everything is right.
When we're apart, I trace in my imagination the distant flush
along your cheek and smile:
I am a lucky man.
I offer you this sparkling ring and this love message on silver paper
because you deserve your fairy tale
and I will love you forever after
with deepest earnestness.
There is no difficulty in such a promise.
It is like wind through the grass:
natural,
effortless. What should be.
Yours,
G No

PS - Now is the flower-laden summertime. No ice age lasts forever. This is the YOC (year of Carrie)!

Wow. Well, we all know it didn't last forever. It was not effortless. This is not how the fairy tale was supposed to end. My questions are: Does he feel badly? Does he even remember?? Does he feel anything???
The year of Carrie? Not so far!
Deepest earnestness? Uh, no. Whoever this Earnest is, maybe I should try to meet him?!

Birthday Blues

Just when I thought I was making progress moving on from the serious split with G No, I had a nasty reminder of the past show up in my calendar last week. After suffering through a particularly horrendous week at work, I woke up on Friday morning (a beautiful, sunny day), and checked my calendar. All it took to shake my morning up were two words: 'G No's Birthday!' Yech.
I had been reminded of it off and on, when I wasn't totally distracted by my worrisome work situation. But all of a sudden, there it was. I thought about what I had done for him in the past and how we had celebrated before. I had, months previously, known that I would have done what I always do to celebrate his day: made arrangements for a fun night out, bought one of his favourite desserts and gotten him a thoughtful, heartfelt gift. Not this year.
The lesson to be learned here? Not that I would have thought about it then, but I know now: Go through your calendar, girls! Erase all reminders of the past - there will be no more celebrations with that person. Ultimately, I care and hope that he had a nice day (well, not as nice as it would have been had he been with me, of course... I wonder if he's missing his birthday blow job?!). But, for the love of brutal breakups, let's remove these wretched reminders so that we don't have to suffer the birthday blues!

If You Had My Love...

Mmm... Not so much... Stop the presses! J Lo and Marc Anthony announced their split today. What happened? They sounded like a very happy couple. I must say (because, I'm like that...) that they certainly weren't matched in attractiveness, which is an indicator of successful couples. She is a sexy stunner and his nickname is Skeletor. J Lo is a ravishing beauty who is always smiling and glowing. Marc Anthony? Not so much. In fact, I've seen people on life support who have more of a glow than he does... I can't say that I understand what the attraction was for her. Does she have a thing for hollow cheeks? Sallow Skin?? The Grim Reaper???

This split marks the end of J Lo's third marriage. You have to admire her pluck. I do! How many times can one marry before one realizes that marriage might not be for them? How many acrimonious divorces can one handle? Certainly, multiple marriages are a luxury for celebrities - the rest of us couldn't afford it! So, here she is today - a thrice divorced, notorious single mom with an incredibly busy career. Her legs are the feature of the latest Venus ad campaign. Her cleavage-baring, super-slit Versace dress has gone down in the history of sexiness.. Her a** is practically more famous than she is... Yeah, I'd marry her, too!

Fear Factor

Due to popular request from you, my faithful followers, I am going to address what I feel are the reasons why my former fiance, G No, left. I, along with many others (including professionals), have narrowed it down to 3 main factors:
Fear. Change. Guilt.
The fear? Perhaps of an unfamiliarity with living a new, happy, healthy, balanced way of life with the best possible partner.
The change? Going from single to engaged to homeowner to cohabitant... I know all about it, as I was going through it, too.
The Guilt? Of being happy, I suspect.

A few weeks ago, I came across an amazing article from The Daily Love by Mastin Kip (www.thedailylove.com). This article seemed to be written to help me understand what happened in this atrocious mess. Please see below for some revelatory reading:

Many times we wish and wish for the right person to come into our lives. We don’t seem to understand why it’s not working out with others. We end up in toxic, unloving relationships, and deep down know something better is out there.
The challenge is, when something better does come along, to not run away.
After years of disappointment, heart break and unhappy endings, it can be very easy to close down on real love. No matter what, don’t let that happen!
Remember, strength in the muscles of your body is created by your muscles being ripped apart, and then rebuilt. Your heart and your emotional intelligence and fitness operate the same way. It is easy to close down after you’ve been hurt. It’s easy to throw a wrench into real love when it comes. I understand it’s scary, but WHO CARES?
Move forward in spite of your fear. Move forward INTO the scariness of it all. Be courageous. Don’t let fear win. OPEN UP anyway. The risk of not opening, in the end, is far worse than the risk of opening.
Don’t let love pass you by. Don’t let fear win.
NO! Instead, let love win. Open up, even when, you are afraid. Open up, even when you are scared of getting hurt. Open up, even when you don’t know what’s going to happen.
Listen to me: LOVE WILL PASS YOU BY if you always choose the safe path.
I am not suggesting that you open up to the first person who comes along. No. I am not suggesting that at all. I am suggesting that when you have a connection with someone, when you feel it, when you are so scared of how much you feel it, go in the opposite direction of your fear. Do not be afraid of the love you feel.
KNOW THIS: The right person will meet you. The right person will show up. But they can’t if you don’t open.
Learn to value openness and rebuilding your heart more than safety. Don’t let the wounds of the past create a wounded future. No. It can be different. Love can be yours. But first you must be open to it. Learn how to be more loving from your past pain, not how to be more closed.
Don’t give up on love, no, give IN TO love!

Isn't it fabulous when your little brother gets married...

... before you do? Four months before you were supposed to get married?? And one month after your fiance has taken off??? Yep, that's right! A few weeks ago, I rsvp'd to my brother's wedding. The wedding that I had anticipated attending with G No was last night. Although I had found a suitable replacement date, it was too late to add a seat at the table, so I managed through it alone. I did, however, end up having 2 dates with me - my super supportive aunt and uncle. At the party, I soon found myself with a suitor, danced the night away and turned down a marriage proposal. All in a night's work! I wore a beautiful dress and got lots of attention. People couldn't stop commenting on it and saying what a mistake G No made. And how crazy he must be. Clearly.
My worry leading up to the big day was how I would handle the ceremony (I knew that the reception would be okay - I love a good party!). Just like watching the royal wedding last week, as soon as the bride started walking down the aisle, I burst into tears. It was hard. However, it was temporary and I was able to get through the rest of the ceremony without having a nervous breakdown. When in doubt, just show up looking fabulous. It distracts people and is a great ego boost!
First a royal wedding, then a royally difficult wedding. Is this making me stronger? Absolutely. At the very least, I can take comfort in the fact that I've got two down and none to go!

Quote Of The Day

"Every time I talk about it, I want to cry... I'm just trying to get through it as gracefully as possible, without any drama."

~ Eva Longoria, on her divorce from Tony Parker

Living In Sin

That's right. G Spot and I, two sinners, are living together before marriage. In a church. God would be so unimpressed. Heh!
The big move happened last week. We have now been living harmoniously in our church conversion condo and it's been a lot different than I ever expected. I have droned on about my fear of living with a man for many, many years. The longer I put it off, the scarier it got. Finally, it became a big, scary monster hiding under the bed. I worried about everything: Would our sex life be ruined? Would we start annoying each other? Would his lack of ability to change the loo roll drive me insane? Would we start fighting over when a lightbulb would be changed? Would we start to hate each other?
I guess I figured that would happen sooner rather than later. However, we took the time to trouble-shoot the scenario. We entered into this arrangement with both our needs as top priorities. We are both private people and we appreciate space. We both have activities that we enjoy doing apart from the relationship that we do not want to give up. We both enjoy our sex life and do not want to f*ck that up. So, what did we do? We decided before moving in to repect each other's space. We respect each other's schedules. His quirks and habits are not annoying me yet, and he claims the same of mine. We had a few bulbs that needed to be changed, and it got done. And, most importantly of all, we are still having sex. Thank God!

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

... He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me.

I am a romantic. The dictionary describes me as: being preoccupied with love or by the idealizing of love or one's beloved. Yep, that's me. The dictionary also describes me as: fanciful, impractical and unrealistic. Fair enough.

When I was a girl, which seems not so long ago, I never dreamed of my wedding. I never dreamed of the dress, the venue, the flowers or the ring. I used to dream of the relationship. I longed to meet and marry the man of my dreams. To find and hold onto true love. Seemed simple at the tme. Turned out to be the longest, hardest search of my life.

Finally, 2 years ago, I found my true love. A man different from any I had known before him and it changed everything. The love that grew, and continues to grow, makes me feel beautiful, desirable, important and supported all the time. Truly loved. Has it been as easy as I had thought a relationship between two lovers would be? No. Has it been a story book romance or a love story that looks like it does in the movies? No. Has it been the most rewarding experience of my life and worth the work? Absolutely.

This post is dedicated to my lover, G Spot. I nicknamed him G Spot for the purpose of this blog because, unlike other women perhaps, my G Spot is in my heart. And that's right where he got me. From the start. Being faced with the unlikely prospect of our relationship not working out (see previous post about related problems called 'Relationsh*ts'), was unfathomable. I would not operate at the same level if he were not around. Perhaps he wouldn't, either.

To all the fanciful, impractical and unrealistic sexy singletons out there, keep at it. As Bridget Jones, Carrie Bradshaw, Cleopatra, Scarlett O'Hara, Jerry Maguire, Adam & Eve and Elizabeth Taylor (?!) would say, Happy Valentines Day!

I'm Gonna Getcha Good!

Oh yes she did!
TMZ has just reported (so we know it's true) that Shania Twain has gotten married. Again.
Twain was first married to philandering music producer Mutt Lange, who divorced Shania after cheating on her with one of her friends. That don't impress me much...
So who did Shania The Great (I love her) go on to marry this time? She just did the 'do' with Swiss business exec (mmm...) Frederic Thiebaud. Who is this, you ask? Why, he's the husband of the woman who cheated with her husband. Ha! This will go down in history as one of the greatest revenge romances of the century, if not ever!

Let's talk about sex, lady

Because that's what happens when two bff's have a girls night out. Of course, we spent lots of time talking about other things, such as work, the economy, our outfits, our hair and how having a husband or significant other is like having an adult child. And, obviously, how fun that is...

My bff is a smug married. She has been hauling the ball on a chain for 7 years. Bless... She told tales of how difficult it marriage can be. She told me how long I can expect for it to take to have a lightbulb changed once G Spot and I have shackled ourselves into our lifelong pact. I can expect for his honesty to become much more open and brutal. Apparently, I can also expect my mate to tell me he's too busy to help with dinner and/or cleaning while he's reclined on the sofa drinking a beer and watching football. Or baseball.. Or hockey...

No matter how difficult things get or how stuck they get in the doldrums of daily life, she makes one major concession to her mate every month. Fellatio. Her top tip to keep things from sucking the big one? To suck the big one!

Not-So-Desperate Housewife

Oops, no, it’s not OK! Come on, now - this never looked like it was built to last. Of course, it was extremely entertaining. A Hollywood actress. An NBA star. Did I mention that 80-90% of all pro athletes stray? What was she thinking? She had to beg him to marry her. He's French. He’s a basketball great.. He’s 28…

I have always believed in the matching theory. This theory maintains that happy and successful long-term couples tend to be matched in attractiveness. Take away Tony’s wallet and fame, and he’s no where near as attractive as the lovely Longoria. It was a match made by Beauty and the Beast. By Larry King and his wife Shawn. By Donald and Malania.. By the ancient oil geezer and Anna Nicole Smith…

Looking on the bright side of things, at least he bucked the trend by recent celebs who lately have screwed their significant others over by trading down and cheating with less attractive women (come on guys, if you’re going to do it, don’t insult us on every level…). At least Tony bagged a babe!

Relationsh*ts

Yeah, you heard me. It happens to everyone. Everyone in a relationship, that is. From time to time, we all get a case of the relationsh*ts. Relationsh*ts are unpleasant. They can sometimes clear up quickly, but sometimes they repeat with a vengeance. Also troubling is the fact that the relationsh*ts can be catching. One partner may come down with a nasty case of the relationsh*ts, and can quickly transfer the case to the other partner. We all know how pleasant relationships are when both partners have a case of the relationsh*ts... Actually, I must say that relationsh*ts are 100% contagious.

To this day, there is no known cure for relationsh*ts. Some say to drink wine, beer or spirits to ward off the 'sh*ts, but sometimes that can exascerbate the problem. Some people recommend talking about the 'sh*ts until the 'sh*ts are a distant memory. Some people keep their case of relationsh*ts a secret until it becomes so severe that they end up spewing sh*t all over the place. In my experience, it's best to deal with the 'sh*ts immediately and acutely. When it comes to a nasty case of the relationsh*ts, swift action is best. And no amount of bananas, honey or Immodium will solve the problem!

Moving. On.

Holy sh*t. Did I mention that G Spot and I bought a place together?? Did I mention that I moved? Did I mention that, therefore, G Spot and I will be moving in together??? In keeping with the theme of the past few months, which is change, we bought a fabulous condo together and will be moving in this Spring. Fortunately, for both our sakes, we don't have to move in together right away. Why is that? Well, it's because I was able to move in with my parents, good old Ward & June. Yep...

Moving out of my former bachelorette pad was painful. I had many good years there. I had many quiet evenings there. I prepared for many dates there. I came home and pondered the existence of useless men there. I brought useless men there. I cried over useless men there. I wrote all previous posts there. It's where G Spot and I had our first touchy feely makeout session. It's where we had s*x for the first time. It's where we exchanged Xmas gifts for the first time. It's where we fought for the first time (but not the last!). It's sad.

In true dating doyenne style, I've passed my love nest on to a savvy, young bachelor. Really, it's as it should be. I now have 6 months in which to prepare myself for cohabitation. I'm sure it will be fun to have a roommate. Maybe we'll have pillow fights, jump on the bed while listening to our fave songs, do arts and crafts... You know, things roommates do... Am I excited for this new phase of coupledom? Yes. Am I scared sh*tless about this phase simultaneously? Yes. Will I miss my former single life, where it was totally acceptable to come home from work, lounge around in ratty t's, watch ridiculous reality shows about dating, eat chocolate for dinner and drink right out of the container? Hell, yes!

The Body Language of Liars

We've all heard it. We've all seen it. Now, we're going to decode it. According to the relationship researchers at Cosmopolitan Magazine, there are 4 main moves that can help us catch a liar in his tracks. Men, start sweating. Ladies, here the most common ways to help spot a lurking liar:
* He wraps his ankle around the leg of a chair ~ When a guy is masking the truth, his body will physically seize up. Wrapping his ankle around a chair leg is a way of restraining himself - like he's trying to refrain from telling you the truth. The upside of this chair stance? The possibility of him not being able to extricate himself from said position or, even better, the chance of the liar tripping over said leg...
* He suddenly puts his hands in his pockets ~ When a man is walking around with his hands stuffed down there, I usually come up with a different conclusion. However, in the case of liars (and not wankers), the hiding of the hands represents his discomfort and lack of openness.
* He shrugs one or both shoulders ~ What if he has a bad shoulder? A tick?? What if he's trying to bust a move??? If he practices this while issuing a definitive statement (such as "I did not sleep with her"), it's his way of cancelling out the untruth, as if he were crossing his fingers behind his back. Ugh.
* He uses his index finger to rub just underneath his nose ~ Apparently, this is a sign of remorse right after living the lie. My question is, how are we supposed to distinguish if our man is a liar, a sinus sufferer, an itch-reliever or a hard core coke user???!!!

In Sickness and in Health: Take 2

Take 2 to the emergency room, that is. At midnight. On date night. During a lovely dinner party hosted by a fabulous foodie and her merry mates. Let's just say that G Spot and I will not be entering our names into the draw for the Healthy Couples contest this year.

While at the hospital for the 2nd time in as many months (well, actually, it was my 3rd time in 2 months as I'd had my own problem, but I don't mean to brag...), I had time to think. A lot. The doctors were doctoring, the sick were sickening and I was overanalyzing. Whatever.

During the whole ordeal, and in between bouts of vomiting and wretching, G Spot felt badly that I wasn't enjoying my evening and urged me to go home and get some rest. Did he really think I would? I couldn't even imagine leaving him there alone. Gagging. Regurgitating. Unable to swallow water... What part of a happy couple (or an unhappy couple, for that matter) would willingly walk away? It's hard to walk out of a room when your heart is still in it.

Thankfully, all the heaving, hurling and spewing was worth it. Any further health disorder was averted and we were relased back into the night. Still, I wondered, are women more devoted in these circumstances than men? Would men go home to get some rest if their partner told them to? And would they actually be able to have a good sleep?? Would they even realize that if they leave their partner in the ER, there will be no nookie the next day???!!!

5 Items Not To Share With Your Man

Share and share alike? Nope. I was raised to play nice and share my toys with others, which I believe has served me well. Till now. I share a lot with my man. A lot. According to an online article by sharing scroodge Leigh Doyle, below are 5 icky items that we are not to be dishing out and then taking back:

* Towels: Why? Thankfully, I have enough spare towels that G Spot has his own shower rag. Apparently, towels are breeding grounds for bacteria (ewwww) and if, let's say, your amour has athletes foot, you could end up spreading the infection all over your body if you use the same towel. Total mood killer.
* Hairbrushes: Again, we don't fall into this trap. If G Spot put a brush near his hair, his afro wouldn't fit in my cute condo. This was unexpected, but besides avoiding lice (who here is dating a kindergartner???), not sharing a brush helps to avoid the spread of... ringworm. Who were the respondents in this survey???!!!
* Toothbrushes: Guilty. I have a long list of lovers with whom I've shared toothbrushes. For f*ck's sake, when you're exchanging all kinds of fluids orally with a lover, what's a toothbrush going to bring to the table that would be more offensive? Well, you can pass on bacteria, cold sores (so unsexy) and viruses.
* Nail Clippers: Never experienced this one. This really grosses me out. Everyone should have to have mani's and pedi's. Why is this gross? Because you could inherit fungus, bacteria, viruses or staph. I'm barfing.
* Razors: I wax.

Everyone wants to marry their g spot...

... only I get to!!! Yep - I love my g spot so much I’m going to marry it…
… No, really, I’m going to marry my G Spot!!!

This is a very exciting development in the long and drawn out love life of Carrie Blogshaw. Finally, after years (and years, and years…) of dating emotional f*ckwits, alcoholics, workaholics and megalomaniacs, I will marry my Mr. Blog.

My relationship with G Spot has been the most rewarding and positive experience that I’ve had. And I’ve had lots. Yes, the thought of a lifelong commitment was previously scary, but now it feels right. I should be so lucky to spend my time (yes, all of it… the good, the bad and the ugly…) with someone this fabulous. What’s to fear?

Now, I have to start planning the wedding. This must be taken seriously, as people don’t get to marry their g spots every day and I’m sure everyone will want the very best. In the true theme of marrying a g spot, I’ll try to choose a venue that’s truly storied and rough around the edges. It will have to be hard to find, but when we get there, it’ll be soooo worth it!

In Sickness And In Health

Trust me, I don’t take good health for granted. I am in awe of people who never get sick. I tend to get every virus going, along with a host of many other (often unspeakable) ailments. My lover, the intensely immune G Spot, never gets sick. In the year and half that we’ve been together, he’s been forced to listen to me hack like an iron-lunged smoker, blow my nose like a heavy-using coke head and experience nausea that forced us to leave a restaurant before getting to the meal. Ahhhhhhh, the romance of it all.

This week, in truly spectacular form, G Spot became ill. Instead of staying home and wallowing in his misery, he headed straight to the ER. He had to. I rushed to the hospital to be with him and had to wait an agonizing half hour before anyone would help me find him. Ahhhhhhh, the healthcare system.

Now, I didn’t need an emergency to make me realize how much I love my lover. I am always well aware. The panic that set in was new for me. I am a good worrier, but I usually worry only about troublesome things at hand (I’m not a doomsday worrier). This situation, however, made me panic about something going wrong. I hadn’t prepared for the worst. Given that G Spot was always well, I had never anticipated him being unwell. I was gripped with fear. Thankfully, it ended well and he is going to live!

We have certainly experienced the ugliness of sickness. Together, we have now endured intense nausea, vomiting, wretching, heaving, bile bags that runneth over, burst cysts, infected ingrowns, boob rashes (seriously…) and runny noses. Aren’t we glam???!!! In health, no problem. In sickness, pass the barf bag – I’m in it for the long heave, I mean, haul!

One of these things is not like the other...

… and isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t it also good that I resisted the urge to quote the lyrics to “Opposites Attract” as the title of this post?? Isn’t it too bad that I couldn’t resist using the picture of Paula Abdul and Scat Cat to get the point across??? What has become of me?!

This post is dedicated to my lover, G Spot, who seems to feel that we have more differences than similarities. I disagree. Yes, we are very different people, however I believe that the things we do have in common are important enough to outweigh our differences. Here are some of the things that we don’t have in common:

* Temperament – he’s calm, cool and collected. I’m a raging spitfire. So?
* Motivation – I walk my talk. He watches.
* Planning – In my opinion, there’s nothing like a solid five year plan. He's better with a five hour plan.
* Fighting – He fights fair. I’m a steamroller.

Below are things we do agree on:

* Long Term Goals – Yep, seems we both want the same things.
* Family – Agreed that both of ours are crazy. Agreed that we both still need the madzers in our lives.
* Career – Yes, it’s important. No, it’s not the most important.
* Politics – We both hate politicians equally.
* Religion – Agreed to disbelieve.

Seriously, people… How fun and exciting would relationships be if we were the same as each other? What would two people who are eerily alike ever learn from each other?? How could two people with the same strengths and weaknesses ever grow and challenge each other??? And, most importantly, how could 2 people who are exactly the same ever have knock down, drag out fights that end in passionate and orgasmic make-up sex???!!!

Yes, opposites attract. Yes, opposites can detract. The thing that seems to be the most important is that our differences should be complimentary. Where I am weak, G Spot is strong. I think this is a winning combination. Having two Carrie Blogshaws in a relationship, though it does sound fabulous, might be a bit much. Same with having two G Spots. Ummm, wait a minute...