Monday, December 28, 2009

"G Spot, baby...

... left a bracelet under the tree for me. Left a gorgeous scarf too, so G Spot baby, surely did get lucky that night..."

I'm happy to report that we survived our first Christmas gift-giving extravaganza. It was a success. I love the bracelet that he gave me, particularly so because he actually listened to me one day long, long ago when we were shopping together and I admired it. How thoughtful! He seemed pleased with his gifts too, which is both a pleasure and a relief. As expected, he liked the techy toy and the underthings but not nearly as much as he loved the leather fetish suit!

Wednesday, December 23, 2009

Sunday, December 20, 2009

Isn't it fabulous when your little brother gets engaged......

before you do???!!!...... This is supposed to be a happy time and I am genuinely pleased for my brother, the annoying yet endearing Beavis Blogshaw, and his fiancee. They are both lovely people and they seem to have a good thing going. Good for them! How does this story relate to me? The way he broke the news. So, what should have been a time of celebration and excitement became a time of pressure and insecurity. It went like this:

Beavis: "Hey Carrie, are you sitting down?"
Carrie: "No - I'm at work and we're not encouraged to engage in comforting behaviour..."
Beavis: "Sit down"
Carrie: "What's up?"
Beavis: "Now...... I don't want you to feel any pressure, but your little brother just got engaged!"

Yeah, okay! I wasn't feeling any pressure until I was told NOT TO FEEL ANY PRESSURE..... WTF???!!! I was expecting this news - I had encouraged Beav to pop the question over the holidays and I knew he'd been looking at rings, but I wasn't prepared for the tables to be turned on me. Afterwards, I spoke to my mother. Needless to say, things worsened from there... The convo with our family matriarch, the highly annoying woman who continually beats me with a pressure stick, June Cleaver Blogshaw, went something like this:

June Cleaver Blogshaw: "Did you hear the news? Isn't it exciting?? I have to go put on some lipstick!!!"
Carrie: ???!!!
June Cleaver Blogshaw: "I'm going for lunch with the girls on Friday and I can't wait to tell them the exciting news that Beavis is engaged!!! And then they'll all wonder - what about Carrie???"
Carrie: at this point I was choking back tears and had to end the conversation. I cried all the way to the gym, where I then used my anger to obliterate invisible opponents in my combat class.......

What about Carrie? Well, here's the deal. I am aware of the natural/birth order of things. I am aware that it is societally expected of me to reach these mating milestones first, as I am the older child. I have not yet reached any mating milestones. What can I say? I'm not engaged. I was almost engaged once (to The Alcoholic Workaholic) and that wouldn't have been a good story. So, what about Carrie? I think there are other things about Carrie that might be worth mentioning, such as Carrie works really hard at her job and is doing her best to set herself up for success in 2010. Carrie has great friends and a very active social life. Carrie writes a well-received blog about dating, mating and relating. Carrie is very happy in a healthy relationship with a great guy, the sex maniac known as G Spot. All in all, Carrie is good. Why is it, then, that the only thing that's interesting about Carrie in my mother's friends eyes, is my marital status or lack thereof???

Here are some points that I might mention to my mother after I have worked it out with my therapist:
* Carrie is right where she needs to be. Carrie, over the past few years, has had 3 men tell her that they want to spend the rest of their lives with her and it was said of their own free will - Carrie never applied any pressure
* Carrie has dated many people over many years and has taken the time to reflect on the qualities that she can do without and made a laundry list of the qualities that she needs
* Carrie does not want to date or be married to anyone who is lacking the qualities that it would take to be happily married
* Carrie enjoys her independence and also enjoys being in a relationship that lacks the drudgery of a life spent living with a partner
* Carrie, being a disenchanted atheist who has enjoyed sex before marriage for many years, fears ever having a church ceremony in case she bursts into flames....

Sunday, December 13, 2009

"Santa, baby...

.... leave a sable under the tree for me. Been an awful good girl, Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight...."

Ahhhhh, Marilyn Monroe knew exactly what to ask from Santa years ago. I've always known what to ask for, but as for what to give - that's entirely different. My dilemma this year, as opposed to many Christmases past, is that I need to give G Spot a gift. When I was with Mr. Hello Wall, for example, I made sure to dump him before the holidays, as I didn't want to have to buy him something. This year is different. Although we've been together for a while, we haven't actually exchanged gifts yet. So, this is MAJOR.

I've already bought G Spot's gifts (plural because I couldn't decide on just one and was very confused about the whole thing...). I tried to buy thoughtful and meaningful, as well as nice, gifts for him. I don't want to say what I got, in case he reads this, but let's just say that I bought gifts to appeal to his senses of:

* electronic, techy things (well, maybe I'm trying to persuade his interest in such things...)
* useful things made of leather
* underthings

The first exchange of gifts in a relationship is stressful. Perhaps I went a bit over the top, but I need to set a precedent. I want G Spot to see that I took the time to find things that he would find thoughtful, useful and cool. I want to give good gifts. The message? I want to receive good gifts, too. When in my too-long relationship with the Alcoholic Workaholic, I received a mug and set of wooden Russian dolls for xmas one sad, sad year. Needless to say, the dolls ended up in the fireplace and the mug died a tragic death in a nearby parking lot... One of the worst gifts ever! So far, G Spot has proven himself to be very thoughtful and generous, so I'm not expecting to get power tools or other such uselessness.... Still, the questions remain - what to get? how much $$$ to spend?? what should the expectation be???

I tried my best and really hope that G Spot will be happy with his electric nose hair clipper, leather fetish suit and g string!

Monday, December 7, 2009

Don't call me...

Listen to it and weep.... This is what it's like to be a single girl in the millenniun. The loser, Dimitri, left 2 pathetic voicemails for a girl who couldn't have deserved such drama. I take this personally, as 2 of my sexy single friends were subjected to Dimitri's desperate and dire dating drama.... This, my friends, is an example of what can happen on a typical girls night out in Cosmopolitan City....

Sunday, December 6, 2009


All seemed well when I met G Spot's fockers a couple of months ago. However, since that was the only 'getting to know you' information session that we've had, it seems his fockers still had questions and curiosities about me. On a dude's dinner date a few weeks ago, G Spot's father focker wanted to know a bit more about me. Specifically, he wanted to find out more about my (charming, witty & bubbly...) personality. According to G Spot, the conversation went like this:

G Spot's Focker: "So, what's her personality like?"

G Spot: "Ummmmm..... uhhhhhh....."

G Spot's Focker: "Can you be a bit more specific?"

G Spot: "Well..... have you ever tried to give a wildcat a bath?"

Wow. At first I was shocked - just shocked! However, it didn't take long at all for me to realize that this sort of description would really set me apart from the pack (pack? herd? what's the collective term for wildcats???). Also, having a visual of what it might really be like to give a wildcat a bath, I was thinking of it as a total compliment! That could be one of the nicest things that anyone's ever said about me. I'm so flattered! Seriously - how often do men get to date women with personalities like that???!!! They say a picture is worth a thousand words and anyone who knows me would agree that the picture above describes my personality perfectly. Quite obviously, G Spot is a lucky man!

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Trading Up

I have heard others describe Facebook as the root of all evil. I have now experienced the evil first hand. Through an invitation to a friend’s birthday party, I came across a picture of my ex, the crashing bore known as Mr. Hello Wall. First came the profile photo to show that he had bought a house. Then came the profile photo to indicate that not only is he married, but he married the woman he met on Craigslist after we broke up. He married the chrome sucking slut (see related post).

Now, the fact that I am not married to Mr. Hello Wall is just fine. The idea of spending the rest of my life with a (poorly endowed) man who is only capable of having lengthy conversations about his salary and/or new car would be punishing. However, I am disturbed and insulted by who he married. After all, is it not a universally known fact that, when one relationship ends, your next partner is supposed to be an IMPROVEMENT on the last???!!! The only thing he’s been known to brag about her is the fact that “she could suck the chrome off a fender”. Fair enough – I never liked the guy enough to perform that task for him. I guess, for some men (or, perhaps, most men…), that’s all it really takes…

I’m not sure what would possess someone to advertise themselves on the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist (a website known more for the buying and selling of scummy old furniture than for scummy old vaginas…), but this is where Mr. Hello Wall found love. What scares the sh*t out of me is that he might actually think he did trade up???!!! Good lord – I’ve seen the photos. I’m having a crisis of confidence! Do I not have as much to offer as someone who sells their body online???!!!

Despite this perplexing scenario, I am still a big believer in the theory of trading up. After all, I did!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Today's Funny

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Kreativ Blogger Awards

How fabulous! I was awarded as a Kreativ Blogger! Now, it's my turn to bestow the award to 7 bloggers who, in my opinion, are the most creative and fabulous bloggers around. What fun!

First, I must thank The Uneasy Writer for bestowing the award on me. It was she, my feather-penned friend, who encouraged me to write a blog. I learned pretty much all I know about blogging and posting from her. The Uneasy Writer posts eloquently and humourously on all things life-related and her musings are thoughtful and provocative. Not only does she maintain a full time job, a fabulous blog and an impressively updated Twitter account, but she is also a major Madge-fanatic AND is writing a novel. I am SO impressed by her and you will be, too:

Below are the steps that I must follow now that I have earned the award:

1. Copy and paste the Kreativ Blogger picture onto your blog.
2. Thank the person who gave you the award and post a link to their blog.
3. Write 7 things about yourself we do not know.
4. Choose 7 other bloggers to award.
5. Link to those 7 other bloggers.
6. Notify your 7 bloggers.

The 7 things you don't know about me:

1. I am highly intuitive - it's becoming stronger and stronger as I get older. It's weird!
2. I am terribly insecure (especially about my appearance)
3. I'm in therapy (see above) and not afraid to admit it
4. I need a LOT of sleep (9 hrs a night or else I'm useless)
5. I moved to London, England for 2 years for a relationship that didn't work out
6. I work in fashion for an Anna Wintour-like MAN
7. The thing I want most in life is to be in a happy, healthy relationship

Here is my list of 7 beguiling bloggers (as I'm a computer 'tard and cannot seem to post direct links, please copy and paste the links below into your browser):

1. Scandalous Housewife
What a woman! Her sense of humour makes me wish I was a funnier person. Her writing is superb and it's no wonder that she has so many devoted bishes following her.

2. The Peach Tart
Another fabulous femme (and self-described white trash southern belle) who tells it like it is in a most entertaining and kreativ way!

3. Funny Girl Goes Blog
Funny Girl writes about her real-life experiences in an honest and thoughtful, yet amusing way. Always something timely and of interest to read and it's set to music!

4. Selectively Bitchy
Get ready - this no holds barred blogger is not agraid to speak her mind! She describes herself as a "typical 20-something yuppie", however I can assure you that there is nothing typical about her 'hormonal rants' in this bewitching blog.

5. Nanny Goats in Panties
Read it for the Goat Thing of the Day. Read it for the pictures of nanny goats. Read it because everything is hilarious. Just read it!

6. Housecat Confidential
Follow the fabulous feline adventures of Fin, everyone's favourite 'senior kitizen'. It's amazing how cats and humans experience life in slightly similar fashon. Hilarious!

7. My Friends Are Sluts
So are mine. Read it!

So there they are in all their glory. Enjoy!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I met HIS fockers...

… and it went pretty well. They seem like nice fockers. I’ve been in so many dead-end relationships over the past few years that I haven’t had to deal with fockers much lately... Now that G Spot and I are close enough that we want to torture each other by subjecting ourselves to our respective peeps and fockers, we’re opening a can of worms… What will happen when one of us introduces the other to someone that we can’t stand? And you know, without doubt, that this will happen. How do I know this? Experience. Not only have I dated people in the past who come from questionable fockers, my parents each happen to detest most of the other’s fockers.

So, my question is…… At what point can one begin to be honest about disliking their partners peeps/fockers? Is there a time frame?? A certain strength of relationship??? A certain number of exposures before one can comment fairly???? All of the above?

My mother, the difficult yet endearing June Cleaver Blogshaw, waited until she was married to Ward (my father, from a family of incredibly difficult personalities and a son in law who’s crazier than a rat in a tin sh*t house…), before she told him how much she disliked his sister. And his brother-in-law. And his cousin(s). Ward also waited until they were married to tell my mother how much he disliked her mother. And sister. And father. Jeez! Seems like a lot of personality clashes, but isn’t it better to have it out in the open? I am of that opinion. If G Spot doesn’t like my peeps (for good reason), I would be understanding and try to keep exposure to the offensive fockers at a minimum. I’m hoping he would do the same for me. I think it’s better to be honest about this up front instead of (like in the movie) discreetly trying to flush offensive family members down the toilet at social gatherings….. Your thoughts???

Saturday, October 31, 2009

Today's Funny


A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were giving each other the silent treatment.
Suddenly, the man realized that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him
at 5:0 0 AM for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would find it.

The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."
Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests.

Wednesday, October 28, 2009

Today's Funny

A Woman's Perfect Breakfast

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.

- Anon

Sunday, October 25, 2009

Today's Funny

Women cry at weddings. Men afterwards.

- Funnyoneliners (on Twitter)

Sunday, October 18, 2009

Too Much Information

How much is too much? How far can you go?? What is the maximum tolerance for information overload??? This post is inspired by the fact that, when driving around doing errands this afternoon (which included buying stupidly expensive, yet super sexy, Jil Sander black leather boots), I saw a couple in a minivan behind me (the minivan denotes that there is already something terribly wrong in their relationship). It gets worse. The woman was looking out the window with an expression on her face that convinced me she might be thinking of that window as an escape route. Her lovely mate, the one from whome she rightly should consider fleeing, was picking his nose. With gusto. Right in front of her. I almost barfed.

Still being in the luvved up phase of a relationship, G Spot and I are not rocking the boat by being disgusting in front of each other. At least, not intentionally. Of course, things happen that sometimes render one disgusting, such as the swine flu-like illness that I suffered from a few weeks ago. I didn’t want to disgust G Spot, but I was legitimately ill and it was hard not to cough all over him in a hacking, phlegmy-kind of way. Unfortunate? Yes. Intentional? No.

My question is, at what point, if ever, do people start grossing each other out in relationships? Can relationships really stand it? I knew a strange couple in my university years – they called each other PooPoo and used to think it was funny if they farted on each other, etc… I understand that it’s good to be comfortable in a relationship, but surely there is a limit. My mother, the excessively proper June Cleaver Blogshaw, has never farted in front of Ward. Ever. They have remained married for 35 years. The PooPoo farting couple? They broke up.

Monday, October 12, 2009

Tip of the Day (for dudes...)

According to Dr. Oz (for those of you who have been living under a rock, Dr. Oz is the new Dr. Phil), a woman's biggest sex organ is her brain. The mood has to be right, the food has to be right, the dude has to be right, etc....
Men: do your best to stimulate our heads and we'll do our best to stimulate yours!

Sunday, October 11, 2009

How to tell if a guy LIKE likes you or just likes you...

Yes, we all date a guy at some point who we can tell likes us… But does he like like us??? In my youth, one like meant a platonic friendship and two likes meant romance. It’s so high school, but the methods of treatment between then and now haven’t changed if a guy really likes you. If a guy like likes you, he will stop at nothing to be with you. The lovestruck man will make an effort and make you feel like a million bucks. If a guy simply likes you, the treatment is less attentive, less acute...

In a recent article in Cosmopolitan magazine, the author, Jake Hurwitz, enlightens us on the behaviours that we can interpret as someone like liking us:

* We text you between noon and 5pm – Totally true. Men who text at 3am are disrespectful (of your time) and demonstrating that you are a total afterthought (hello, booty call). What’s even better than a daytime text? A man who calls! Someone brave enough to pick up the phone to connect with you is one smitten kitten.

* We schmooze with your pals – If a guy will even take you out with his friends, then he likes you. When he takes the step of hanging out with your crowd and actually makes an effort, he like likes you.

* We take you out during the day – Hell, yeah! Men who are only interested in hooking up at night (and who don’t stay over…) are not sincere. If a guy is willing to hang out with you during daytime hours (complete with unflattering overhead lighting provided by that damned sun…), he has a like like on for you.

* We email you – Admittedly, the email falls in 2nd place between the phone call (#1) and the text (#3) in terms of communicating. If he’s emailing, calling and texting you, congratulations, you’ve found someone who like likes you!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Today's SATC2 Teaser

SAMANTHA MARRIES???????!!!!!!!! And in Uggs???!!!

But seriously - our favourite "f*ck like a man" narcissistic nympho ties the knot??? She settles down???!!! As proven in the last film, Samantha couldn't handle having a steady boyfriend for longer than a couple of years (resulting in the devastating dumping of the dreamy Smith Jerrod...) and now she's ready to be permanently pinned??? I'm SO confused. If Samantha Jones ends up marrying, then am I supposed to get married, too???!!!

Sunday, October 4, 2009

Faking It

Yes, I’ve faked it. Many times. Countless, copious, unfathomably many times….. So now, by popular demand, I’m going to let you know all about it.

Faking it is a trick that I’ve found to become very useful as I’ve gotten older and dated such an amazing collection of weirdos. To be honest, I think the first time I faked it was in my late ‘20’s. It had to be done. Luckily, now that I’ve found G Spot, I haven’t had to fake it for a long time. But still, I’d say the “faking it” years amounted to about 3 or 4 – which is 3 or 4 years too many.

The first time I pretended to orgasm was when I was having Superman Sex (see post from 2008). After being verbally abused, made to feel like a whore and - most unimpressively - spat on, I faked an orgasm just to get the whole kinkfest behind me (well, he was already behind me, but that’s not the point….).

The other times that I felt forced to fake it was when I was dating Mr. Hello Wall. In the entire time that we had sex together, I can’t remember if I legitimately came once. Again, in order to get the whole sad sack s*x thing over with, I used to fake him out so that he’d get off me…… I know, I know……… Of course, if I hadn’t faked it, we maybe could have worked on the fact that the s*x was not good for both of us, but when one is endowed like a Paper Mate pencil, it may be worth it to put on the theatrics while simultaneously thinking of creative ways to end the relationship……

In defence of faking it, I have to say that it can force you out of your comfort zone, which is great practice to put a smile on while you’re doing something you hate, which most of us are faced with at some point or another. Really, it’s a good life lesson. Also, I highly recommend it to aspiring actors – I’ve put on some pretty engaging and inspiring performances (oh, if you’d only been able to see what I was working with…..)!

Thursday, October 1, 2009

Madge Disses Marriage

In a recent interview with David Letterman, Madonna (my hero and yours) was asked if she would get married again some day. Her response? The bitter and exasperated pop icon replied that she would rather "get run over by a train" than get married again... You go, grrrrrlllll!!!
Besides, when you look this good in green ostrich feathers, who needs a hubby???!!!

Sunday, September 27, 2009

The 10 Storey High Club

Okay, okay….. so it’s not exactly the esteemed Mile High Club, but it’s as close as I’ve come (pardon the pun)! I’ve always fancied myself as kind of a prude. I don’t usually do it, say, swinging from chandeliers and I have no desire for my partner to handcuff me or to zip me into a hooded rubber suit and whip me... Still, I have had a bit of a “thing” for exhibitionism for quite a while. Even when I was a teenager, my mother, the ultimate prude, would yell at me for changing in my room with the curtains up. She thought I was a slut. Perhaps I was.

I get the notion of doing it on a plane, but I don’t get the point of doing it in the washroom. Airplane bathrooms are notoriously scary – they are small, the lighting is terrible and they stink. Yuck. I’m more for trying to do something under a blanket – that’s something to look forward to…

I’ve done it in parks, bar bathrooms and offices – nothing too out of the ordinary. However, when I was in Paris one summer, I had a hotel room with a teeny balcony that offered a view of the Eiffel Tower all lit up in twinkle lights. It was so romantic and ever since then, I’ve had the desire to go back to that balcony and get it on.

Since I’m not likely to make it back to Paris any time soon, I’ve had to settle for my balcony. Although not overlooking the Eiffel Tower, it does offer a beautiful view of downtown Cosmopolitan City. It was my goal this summer to do it on my 10th storey balcony. My lover, G Spot, and I got down to business. There’s something freeing about doing it outdoors. Yes, there may have been some people watching, but isn’t it entertaining for them? If I had been one of the guests at the balcony party across the street as we’d been getting it on, I’d have been very entertained. I'm not sure what their plans were for the entire night, but perhaps we saved them a few dollars on porn....

Thursday, September 24, 2009

Carrie's new kicks

How fun are these Loubtoutins??? These are the shoes that Carrie is wearing in the SATC2 movie with the white dress and aviators (pictured a few posts below).
How much power would you have on a date if you wore shoes like this?? How could you not come across as totally confident (not to mention, sparkly!)??? It would be a crime not to play footsie in these sexy stilettos!

Tuesday, September 22, 2009

crazy in love or just plain crazy???

Sid and Nancy knew what it was to be crazy in love. So did Sean Penn and Madonna. Hell, Beyonce even wrote the song. Now, a thirtysomething Canadian woman who we’ll call Paris Match, is abandoning everything she has ever known to move to France to take a chance on love. Crazy!

Paris Match met the object of her obsession (I mean, affection…) on a hiking trip. He was visiting Canada; she was bored and in need of a hangover helper, which to some people means a lie in followed by a greasy fry up but to her meant a hike. They met, they spoke frenglish for 9 days and then he left. He called when he got back to his country to ask when she was coming to visit. In true thirtysomething singleton fashion, she misinterpreted this inquiry into her vacation plans as an invitation to move to France to be with him. She’s leaving next week……

Her friends think she’s crazy. Her family thinks she’s crazy. I think she’s crazy. Sure, I love the charm, character, architecture and je ne sais quois that Paris has to offer, but I’d rather move there for that than to take a chance on a 9 day romance. I’ve had infections that have lasted longer than that, but that’s another post altogether………………

Monday, September 21, 2009

Today's SATC2 teaser

Awwwwwww.... look at them. They look so very happy together.
And, they've bought a car.
Now, is this a sign of a larger commitment, or is it his next mode of escape???

Sunday, September 20, 2009

No Trespassing

In a recent article on the disapointing dating tactic of "mate poaching", my favourite sexpert, Josey Vogels, examines the results of a study done at Oklahoma State University (surely, a study performed at UCLA would sound much sexier and more appealing…). To begin, Vogels acknowledges some common unwritten rules about dating etiquette (who you should and shouldn’t date). Let's take a look to read and understand before we continue:

* Friends' exes are out.
* So is asking someone out when you know a girlfriend is already interested in him.
* Hitting on a girlfriend's guy when they are already dating is definitely out.
* Hitting on any guy who's already attached or married even if you're not friends with his partner is a no-no.

The results of the study indicated that 90% of the sluts (errr.... I mean students) at Oklahoma State were more interested in dating a man who’s already in a relationship than they were in dating a single man. The results of past psychological studies have also indicated that some women try to lure men away from their current partners. One previous study, performed in 2004, showed that as many as 1 in 5 relationships began when one or both partners were already in relationships with someone else. Whoa. What’s shocking about this recent study is that it has shown that the cohorts prefer committed men over single men. Huh???!!!

The results:
“Men and women were matched with students based on a description of their ideal romantic partner. When researchers described the women's match as single, 59 percent of the single women in the study were interested in pursuing him. However, when they described the exact same man as being in a committed relationship, 90 percent of the women were interested. Neither the men nor the already attached women who participated showed this preference.
Dr. Melissa Burkley, an assistant professor of social psychology at Oklahoma State University and one of the researchers behind the study suggests that the reason behind this is that single women are more interested in pursuing unavailable men (now, there's some shocking news) possibly because they are more interested in a guy who's already shown he can commit by being in another relationship, indicating he'd be a reliable mating partner.”

I get it. Having suffered through singledom for many, many years, I was convinced that all the good guys were taken. It seemed that all of my friends who were dating were with miserable wrecks, but my girlfriends in committed relationships all seemed happy with their men. As much as I was convinced by these facts, I still never entertained the notion of attempting to steal one of my friend’s dudes. Jeez. I have been pursued by men in committed relationships in the past and, trust me, the minute I found out they were taken, I was outta there. Who needs that kind of drama? Apparently, I stand in a very small segment of the single female population – the 10% who would never go there.

Obviously, men in relationships have proven that they can commit and, to the benefit of other women, they’ve been trained by their partners, thereby releasing that responsibility to the female poacher. Still, my goodness, are these women not afraid of karma? If a man will be lured from his woman for you, doesn’t it stand to reason that he could be lured by someone else in the future?? Or, worse, he could develop a strange, kinky fetish such as falling for a single girl!!!

Saturday, September 19, 2009

SATC2 teaser

The girls are outside Bergdorf Goodman.
Only good things happen at Bergdorf Goodman!!!

Thursday, September 17, 2009

diamonds are a girls best friend

That is the song that made her famous.
To address the comment in the post below, I'd like to say that both Carol Channing and Phyllis Diller are fabulous. However, they bring different talents to the table. Phyllis is hilarious and her jokes and quotes are timeless. Carol, as it relates to this blog, is not as quoted, however she will be one of my relationship idols. Following Elizabeth Taylors example, perhaps, Carol is the marrying kind. She seems to have entered many different phases of marriage... She began with the typical (and quick) Hollywood "starter" marriage, then she had a "trading up" marriage, followed closely by a "traditional" marriage (ending with the death of her spouse) and is now on her "trophy" marriage. What a trooper! I guess gentlemen really do prefer blondes.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Quote of the Day

"Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight."

- Phyllis Diller (relationship guru)

Monday, September 7, 2009

Should Women Marry Money???

You can’t ask questions like that without immediately catching my attention.

The authors of the book ‘Smart Girls Marry Money: How Women Have Been Duped Into The romantic Dream – and How They’re Paying For It’, Elizabeth Ford and Daniela Drake, emplore women not to “…throw your hot, youthful selves away on young, financially unproven men. They might never become successes, and if they do, they’ll probably just chuck you for younger models when you’re too old to successfully compete again in the marriage marketplace.” They go on to insist that women “… marry rich guys while you’re still taut enough to snag them. They may dump you, too, but at least you’ll have nice, fat divorce settlements with which to pursue true love, or the pool guy, whoever comes first.” Wow. I considered buying this book, but the thought of putting my hard earned money into the hands of these greedy girls is too much to bear.

In defence of the tome, offers the following review:
“Why does society applaud a girl who falls for a guy’s “big blue eyes” yet denounces one who chooses a man with a “big green bankroll”? After all, isn’t earning power more a reflection of a man’s values and character? Smart Girls Marry Money challenges the ideals and assumptions women have blindly accepted about love and marriage—and shows how they’ve done so at their own economic peril. In this brazen manifesto, the authors use cold hard facts, real science, and true stories to present a compelling case for why mercenary marriages make the most sense for future happiness.
Smart Girls taps into a growing, collective suspicion that the post-feminist world isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Female “empowerment” has women working hard to look sexier than ever, while carrying more than their fair share financially. Yet sadly, statistics prove that: not only do women continue to earn far less than their male counterparts, they also suffer far more economically when marriages fail. Ford and Drake think it’s high time that women get their heads out of the clouds and start caring about their own security—the kind that can be measured in dollars and common sense. With an irreverent, straight-talk tone, the authors serve up a sound case and intriguing strategy for how women can truly “have it all.” Sure to spark conversation and controversy, Smart Girls Marry Money will ultimately empower women with a new way to take control of both their economic and romantic lives.”

I see, financially, where they are coming from. But what about passion? Romance?? Love??? It is obvious that, when people get divorced, it is financially difficult. That is unfortunate. However, what if people take the time to seek out an appropriate partner and agree on what they want in a long term relationship in an effort to stay together? If you can find a fabulous partner and make it, then a large cash settlement after a long, bitter (and expensive!) feud would not be necessary. So then what? Is it okay to marry for love? What if one found the perfect partner who ended up being working class? One should dump that partner? Are we supposed to chase after men with six figure salaries instead of six inch d*cks??? Kidding, but really – I’m confused by this! The idea of marrying money is so unromantic. I’m picturing a woman walking down the aisle towards a wad of cash. I’m laughing. What fairy tale ever ended with the young princess marrying the old, fat, balding bank roll???

Wednesday, September 2, 2009

Dating in Detroit

I’m not even sure where to start with this story……. Shockingly enough, the details of this story do not belong to me or any of my single friends. Sadly, the afflicted woman in this scenario (we’ll call her Debbie Does Detroit) was making a valiant attempt to date in what is known as ‘the armpit of the US’. It’s crazy what can happen when dating in the motor city.

Debbie met a man, who we’ll call Chad The Impaler, at a Casino. Wait - it gets worse from here. She went on to excitedly accept a first date with The Impaler. Chad, the ultimate gentleman, chose the quaint and lovely restaurant Buffalo Wild Wings for their date. So sweet and thoughtful – surely girls love eating wings on a first date – it’s so feminine, sexy and clean......

After what I’m sure was a memorable and delectable meal, followed by what must have been sparkling and witty conversation, The Impaler excused himself from the table under the guise that he had forgotten his wallet in Debbie’s 2000 Chevy Impala. The next thing you know, The Impaler has stolen the Impala. Poor Debbie – not only does she have to drive a 9 year old Impala in the first place, but her date has now cunningly lifted it from her. Having (incredibly stupidly) posed for photos for Debbie earlier, taken with the camera on her phone, Debbie went to the local cop shop to press charges. The Impaler was later spotted and arrested by Detroit police. Chad has now been charged and could be faced with a 5 year sentence for stealing the car. What about the sentence that poor Debbie is left with??? No car, no date, Detroit……

Tuesday, September 1, 2009

Quote of the Day

"The fact is, sometimes it’s hard to walk in a single woman’s shoes. That’s why we need really special ones now and then to make the walk a little more fun."
- Carrie Bradshaw

* I am lusting and drooling over the super-gorgeous kicks in this picture

Sunday, August 30, 2009

Millionaire Matchmaker

Please tell me that you’ve seen this show. I have a thing against reality television in general, however I must say that I’m pretty into this show. The star is Patti Stanger, who is a 3rd generation matchmaker in California. She’s fabulous. I feel a strong connection with Stanger, as I am also a matchmaker (I have a 100% failure rate, while she is actually successful).

Patti is intent on setting up wealthy men (an elite pool of millionaires only) with their future wives. No small task! She has a database of women (10,000 boob jobs – wow!) to set the millionaires up with. They must be interested in traditional, old-fashioned relationships and they must all have the following characteristics:

* Beauty

* Brains

* Class

A perfectionist, Patti accepts nothing less than better to best. I’ve seen her interview women only to turn them down until they are armed with the following characteristics:

* A hair straightener

* Long hair (styled with said straightener) - short hair not allowed

* Perfect makeup (she will not work with drag queens – such conviction!)

* Prude (yep – no sex before exclusivity – that is non-negotiable)

Stanger, unlike the quest for her clients, is not married. She has been with her boyfriend for 5 years and she is happy with the status quo (a la Goldie Hawn/Kurt Russel or Joy Behar/Whatshisname) – they enjoy being together but don’t plan to have children (right on!) and therefore don’t see any need to marry right now.

Why can’t millionaires in LA find women to marry? According to Stanger, they have lists of specifications and qualities that are incredibly unrealistic. Funny – I believe there are some men in Cosmopolitan City who are not millionaires but are exactly like that..... Stanger meets some total nut-jobs, but she tries her best to teach them how to date properly and temper their expectations. She believes that if a man expects to date a “Perfect 10”, he himself must be a “Perfect 10” both internally and externally. Good for her! Tell it like it is, Dr. Phil!

Although these men are presenting themselves as millionaires, Stanger refuses to work with gold diggers. This is the only flaw I can find in her logic – how would she ever know? Why would it even be an issue, as the men are using that as their most attractive quality?? They are in California, where most people are wanna-be actors – how could she tell who’s truly in it for love or who’s a dinner whore???

Friday, August 28, 2009

Thought for the Day

"My life is spent in a perpetual alternation between two rhythms, the rhythm of attracting people for fear I may be lonely and the rhythm of trying to get rid of them because I know that I am bored."

- C.E.M. Joad (1891 - 1953)

*Note - this is no way reflects how I'm feeling in my current situation - I just posted this as food for thought. Thanks for your concern, though!

Sunday, August 23, 2009

now that we've found love what are we gonna do with it?

Gotta love the musical musings of Heavy D…… But seriously, now that I’ve found love, what am I going to do with it???!!!

Being in love is great, isn’t it? Surely, it beats not being in love. Not having had much experience in recent years of being in a loving relationship (more like loving getting out of weird relationships…), this is new and exciting (as well as slightly lapsed and somewhat scary) for me. Yes, I love the guy – so now what? Love is hard to quantify or define, so how do people know when or why they are in love? defines love by the following characteristics:

* A profoundly tender, passionate affection for another person

* A feeling of warm personal attachment or deep affection, as for a parent, child, or friend

* A person toward whom love is felt; beloved person; sweetheart

* A love affair; an intensely amorous incident; amour

* Sexual intercourse; copulation – whoa….. I’m pretty sure that men have managed to distinguish love from sex in many instances, no???

* A personification of sexual affection, as Eros or Cupid – awww – I should get G Spot to dress up in angel wings and take a picture. Of course, I will share it with you.

* Affectionate concern for the well-being of others

* Strong predilection, enthusiasm, or liking for anything – Anything or anyone?!

* The benevolent affection of God for His creatures, or the reverent affection due from them to God – don’t even get me started – this is NOT a religious blog.

* A score of zero; nothing – this is my love life we’re talking about here, people, not Wimbledon.

The website goes on to define synonyms for love, which I can appreciate:

* AFFECTION is a fondness for others that is enduring and tender, but calm

* DEVOTION is an intense love and steadfast, enduring loyalty to a person – I’m loving the word DEVOTION right now.

In a very timely article, Respected National Newspaper ran a love poll. The results of the poll were as follows:

Percentage of people who believe in “the one” – 26% of ppl aged 30 – 34 and 36% of ppl aged 50 – 54 believe in the concept of finding 'the one' – this really surprises me, as I have become rather cynical as I’ve aged. I am surprised that people believe in finding ‘the one’ in their later years, which could be after many years of dating... At the age of 54, having not found 'the one', wouldn't one be satisfied simply to find 'one' full stop???!!!

What’s the soonest you’ve said “I love you” in a relationship? 42% of people say the words within a couple of months, 18% within 6 months, 8% within a year & 3% over a year.

Do you believe in love at first sight? 29% of women and 44% of men believe in love at first sight. What???!!! I’m confused! 44% of men????? I must have been dating the other 56% of men over the past few years, then.

Similarly to the percentage of people who believe in ‘the one’, the percentage of people who believe in love at first sight increases with age, which is very interesting to me. I’ve become such a jaded woman, my goodness! However, luckily and thankfully, not so jaded to be unable to let love in. Where I once used to give death glares to couples engaged in enthusiastic PDA’s, I now smile in solidarity – I can relate. Lately, I’ve been wandering around Cosmopolitan City fueled by endorphins from having regular sex (yes!!!) with a face like a smiley emoticon and I love it.

Sunday, August 9, 2009

Quote of the Day

"Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."
- Phyllis Diller (my hero)

Sunday, July 26, 2009

No Kids

That is the topic and title of my favourite new book. This revolutionary tome by Corinne Maier, includes 40 good reasons not to have children. I don’t need forty good reasons (four mediocre reasons, really, would do…), but it’s great that she’s putting it all out there. What’s also great is that she is speaking from experience: she has two kids! My mother has told me many, many times that if she could do her life over again, she wouldn’t have kids (thanks, Mum! Can I borrow some money for more therapy???). Apparently, this author feels the same way.

Many women of the millennium are reconsidering the value of having children. Sure, for some, it may be a rewarding experience, but when serial singletons spend the majority of their ‘30’s focusing on themselves and trying to build healthy relationships with just one other person, the idea of having even more people around to potentially f*ck it up becomes incredibly overwhelming. I’ve spent the past few years in a very specific lifestyle. Just trying to fit someone into that lifestyle, although willingly, is difficult. The author candidly tells women to say goodbye forever to: “…free time, dinners with friends, spontaneous romantic getaways, and even the luxury of uninterrupted thought for the “vicious little dwarves” that will treat you like their servant, cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars, and end up resenting you…”

If the above hasn’t helped you reach a decision, below are 9 of the 40 reasons why Maier feels women should not have children:

* You will lose touch with your friends – You will. All of my friends who have had children over the past few years have definitely dropped off the map. A couple of them did resurface after the first year or so, but it takes a lot of catching up on dating disasters to fill in a year of stories of tragic singledom.

* Your sex life will be over – Mine feels like it might be over just having done the research for this post.

* Children cost a fortune – Take it from Ward and June, kids really do cost a fortune. I cost a fortune!!! Every time I see my poor parents, they offer money out of expectation and pity. I’m a blood-sucking albatross.

* Child-rearing is endless drudgery – Breastfeeding. Sleepless nights. Breastfeeding side effects. Laundry. Cooking. Lessons. School. Homework. Screaming. Crying. Fighting. Toys. Toy stores. Birthday parties. Barf. Need I say more???

* Vacations will be nightmares – I don’t even understand why anyone travels with children. Although my mother may not have had much of a clue about child-rearing, she did know not to take us on vacations until my bro, the youngest, was 6. Why do it to yourself? Why go to the trouble?? The expense??? They won’t even bloody well remember it!!!???

* You’ll lose your indentity and become just “mom” or “dad” – After years of practicing becoming a perplexed singleton on the dating scene, I can’t imagine identifying myself any other way. All that work for nothing??? No way!

* Your children will become mindless drones of capitalism – I did.

* The planet’s already overcrowded – Seriously. Have you ever tried to get a reservation at Babbo in NYC??? Enough said – let’s try to control the population, as I’d like to get in before I die.

* Your children will inevitably disappoint you – Take it from Ward and June – my brother and I are terrible disappointments to them. My god – we couldn’t be more disappointing if we tried. We are both unmarried, much to June’s dismay. We both earn modest salaries and are therefore still on the Blogshaw payroll, much to Ward’s dismay. To all children, unless you become doctors, astronauts or nobel prize winners, all of your perceived achievements will be disappointing. I should have spent less time kissing boys in my youth (I didn’t realize at that time how long I’d be doing that into adulthood) and more time trying to cure cancer…….

Sunday, July 19, 2009

meet the fockers

Talk about making progress on the dating scene. Talk about reaching a mating milestone. I’m finally dating someone who is worthy of making the biggest, most potentially painful and certainly scary sacrifice for. Yep, I decided a while ago that G Spot is someone who is worthy of introducing to my fockers.

It all went down this weekend up at the cottage. Not only did the meet and greet have to happen north of the comforts of city living, the poor guy had to endure 3 days of it. What a trooper. However much I liked him before, it’s definitely been enhanced now. Sexy.

The weeks leading up to the meeting of the fockers were anxious ones for my mother. Poor June (the wanna-be wedding planner), she’s been dying to meet G Spot for weeks, if not months. She wanted to learn as much about his background as possible before meeting him, as both she and my father have the uncanny ability to say just the wrong thing at just the wrong moment. When she wanted to know about his background, I mentioned that he had a German heritage. Hearing this, June instantly needed to know if he, or anyone in his family, is a Nazi. The reason? Because most of their friends are Jewish. Seriously – this is a discussion that we had at the dinner table a couple of weeks ago…….. When I asked how she would like him to address her, she said she wanted him to call her Mrs. Cleaver-Blogshaw, not June, as she prefers formal introductions. I forced the issue to see if we could make it more casual by using first names, but she wouldn’t make any concessions other than giving him permission to call my father “Pappa.” ???!!! Whatever.

So, it went well. My parents seem to be bigger fans of him than they are of me, which at this point is okay. Of course, June couldn’t resist telling embarrassing stories of my younger years, but that is standard and I’m pretty sure that even normal parents do that. My mother managed to restrain herself from making wedding plans and my father did not beg G Spot to make me an honest woman and to take me off the Blogshaw family payroll. Compared to the meeting of the real Fockers, this was pretty tame - no one was insulted, home renovations weren’t sabotaged, babies weren’t taught to swear and small dogs weren’t flushed down the toilet. However, there is always next weekend……

Sunday, July 12, 2009


Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh, guilt. No, this post has nothing to do with my mother. The guilt I am feeling is self inflicted. And ridiculous. Why is it, you are asking yourself, that I am feeling so guilty? What have I done now?? Well, here it is.......

I have found an amazing man.

This has led me to feel an extraordinary range of emotions, such as happiness, joy, elation, gratitude and, somewhat ridiculously, guilt. I feel so fortunate to have met my great guy (let's call him G Spot), and trust me, I've worked long and hard and dated all kinds of men who turned out to be so very un-amazing in the mean time, that I should feel fortunate. It's my turn! However, in solidarity with the other tragic singletons who I have lived through the saga of modern day dating with, I feel guilty. It's like I have survivors guilt. Why was I able to find someone great when some of my other fabulous friends are still slogging it out? Why was I spared???!!!

Being polite, I try not to go on and on ad nauseum about how happy I am with G Spot. I don't want to rub it in, but damn, am I happy......... Of course, should anything go disastrously wrong, or should we have our first fight, I will gladly offer up the gory details. Still, so far so good.

Perhaps I am paying my penance to singledom by being grateful. I've suffered through bad dates, bad relationships and the modern mystery that is online dating, and I finally met a good guy. As the memory of tragic singledom is still fresh, I am very mindful of making myself available to my friends for GNO's, dildo parties at my place, etc. (well, when I'm not holed up in my flat with G Spot having regular sex....). I'm also still trying to set my singleton friends up and I have taken on the role of speed dating coach. If I was unappreciative of this situation, perhaps I should feel guilty. Seriously, in between the highs of being intoxicated by someone else's fabulousness, I would perfer not to feel guilt like only a politician, Catholic priest, or OJ Simpson could!

Sunday, June 14, 2009

What Women Want

Obviously, all women want George Clooney or Brad Pitt (or both…). Besides that, though, what are the top qualities that women are looking for in men? According to the staff at eHarmony (I’ve now come to accept the fact that I will receive 1 to 2 unsolicited emails from them every week for the rest of my life and that’s the card I’ve been dealt...), women’s top 5 dealmakers are:

* An honest man – Honesty is one of their top rated qualities. Who knew??? I didn’t include honesty in my laundry list of qualifications until recently, and I therefore went on to date a bunch of dishonest people. I think I took it for granted that all people are honest (life is hard when you’re that naïve) and I expected suitors to act accordingly. Wrong. I added honesty to my exhaustive list a few months ago and, let me tell you, it’s nice to date someone like that. Ladies, add it to your list. I’ve also discovered that dating someone genuine and sincere is also satisfying (thank you, Lover) – so please add these qualities as well – they’re all sexy.

* An emotionally healthy man – Whoa. That is hard to find. Most people have a few little issues that may creep up now and again, which is acceptable (I really hope so, or else I’m f*cked…). Things to watch for? The man who claims that he is emotionally healthy and free of hang-ups, like Emotional F*ckwit ’08 - he was SO hungup about the fact that he had no hangups – it was ridiculous. Neuroses? No. Neurons firing on all cylinders to help oneself work through issues? No problem.

* A man who can resolve conflicts – Yes, especially if he is dating me. Apparently, men are taught to win fights from an early age. That makes my brow wrinkle in confusion (which I really don’t like because I’m constantly trying to offset all visible signs of aging), because I have always thought that women had to be right. Since when did we start letting men win the fights? There are 2 lessons to be learned here. The first lesson is to stop letting men win all the time – that’s not right! The second lesson is that it is good to find a man who can work to resolve an issue instead of being spiteful and pushy just so he can win a fight.

* An attractive man – Women want an attractive man just as much as men want attractive women. I guess it really is that important. Of course, a good personality can enhance one’s outer appearance (and vice versa), but that’s no excuse to show up on dates looking rumpled and ridiculous. Dudes, you have no idea how a nicely pressed shirt, properly tailored pants or nicely shined shoes can put us in the mood.

Sunday, June 7, 2009

Archie chose Veronica???!!!

Boys ARE dumb!!! I heard this news last weekend and I’m still p*ssed. I’m in shock! What happened? Do nice girls ever finish last? Surely, in comic books at the very least, the nice girl could get the guy while the snobby b*tch would be left to deal with Jughead’s zany antics???!!!

The circuitous love triangle between Archie, Betty and Veronica has kept Archie Comics readers rapt for over 65 years. 65 years – that is correct. And this is how it ends??? I, for one, have always been on Betty’s side. Believe it or not, I spent quite a bit of time entertaining myself with this thoroughly frustrating threesome back in high school, which is why this struck a chord now. Betty, the heroine, is natural, sweet, genuine and caring. Veronica, the antagonist and general pain in the a**, is self-obsessed, vain, uncaring and mean. She seems to have the kind of affection towards Archie as she does towards a dirty dishrag, she uses him as a spare when she can’t get a date with Reggie or someone who is more her style (say, the captain of the football team, her favourite teacher or the branch manager of her local bank….), and she is MEAN to him! On a regular basis!! What gives in this scenario???!!! What are men looking for??? Why does he put up with this s*it??? Does he always leave Betty for Veronica because she has a fast car? A sugar daddy?? A hair straightener???

The other thing that is bothering me immensely (seriously – I’ve spent the whole week trying to sort this out in my head…) is if Veronica is going to say yes. She doesn’t really like the guy… Can she not find someone more suitable? Will Betty find someone more suitable??? Why is it so hard to meet people in comic-book land??? That’s why this story is making waves around the world – it’s so relatable! Think about it – these people have been chasing each other around for 65 years – that’s sick! It’s just like Cosmopolitan City, where one can be single (and fabulous…) and date a string of unsuitable partners for a lifetime! Surely, both Betty and Veronica could go online to meet more suitable partners, or perhaps hit the bar scene… They could join common-interest groups, try speed dating, cooking classes, volleyball, singles cruises or singles day trips to New York City…

Really, the only fair way for this story to end is for Veronica to turn Archie down. Then, Archie could go to the nearest bar, get totally hammered and then go over to Jughead’s to complain about his misfortune with women, only to find Jughead in bed with both Betty and Veronica. Ha Ha!

Monday, June 1, 2009

Top 12 things to never ask your man...

…as brought to you by the gifted authors at Respected National Publication Favouring Female Interest. According to the magazine, the questions listed below are off-limits:

* Does this make me look fat? - If you think so, then it probably does. How are men supposed to respond? If they are honest, they’ll get sh*t on and if they lie, they’ll get sh*t on. How would you answer if your bf came to you to ask if his boxer-briefs make his d*ck look small???!!! That’s right.

* Is she prettier than me? - If you think so, then she probably is. He knows what you look like. You know what you look like. If you want to have a big fight, ask the question. If you want to live happily ever after, buy yourself a new lippy and move on.

* How many women have you slept with? - Make sure you are ready for the answer. The fact is that, if one is single and in their 30's, then one has probably slept with a few more partners than originally anticipated when they were younger, hotter and had no idea that one could stay single for such a prolonged period of time, but I digress........ The only safe question to ask is if he has been safe in his transgressions. I grant you permission to ask that question, but ONLY that question.

* What are you thinking? – This is hilarious. I can guarantee, in fact I’d bet a paycheck, that he’s not thinking. At all. Nada. If he looks perplexed, he’s probably trying to stage a plan in order to pass gas in your presence without you noticing. Or something like that. At most, he may be trying to plan how his favourite football team can best play their next game, but that’s probably about it….. Looking for a specific answer? Ask a specific question.

* Where is our relationship going? – Right out the window if you ask that question!!!

* If you could sleep with one of my friends, who would it be? – DANGER DANGER DANGER. DO NOT ask this question. Ever.

* Would you run to the store and get me some tampons? – Would you run to the store to get him anti-fungal medication for his athletes foot? Let’s help each other by helping ourselves with such tasks.

* Do you mind if I go for lunch with my ex? - Then be prepared not to mind when he goes out for lunch with his ex.

* If I died in a freak hair-dying accident, how long would you wait before moving on? – Apparently this is a passive aggressive question that is going to instigate a fight. How could anyone know that? What if he meets a hottie at your funeral??? Hey, you never know how life works!

* (While holding someone else’s baby ask:) How many kids do you want to have? - Why don’t you then ask what kind of suburban-nightmare-semi-detached-can’t-tell-your-house-apart-from-your-neighbour’s home he’d like to live in and what kind of death-of-sex minivan he’d like to drive? Start training now, because you’ll have to sprint like hell to catch up with him after you put that thought in his mind…..

* Can I come to guy’s night this time? – No.

* (In regards to either size or duration or both) Is that it? - Yes, if you want it to be the end of your relationship.

Sunday, May 24, 2009

50 first dates

Having trouble getting to the second date stage? This has never been a problem for me - I guess I’m just that irresistible (to masochists???!!!)…… However, there are some people out there who are experiencing difficulties in reaching that stage. What is going on? What is the major malfunction?? My friends at eHarmony, who continue to harass me with unsolicited emails on a biweekly basis, have come identified 5 bad habits that tank first dates:

* Don’t monopolize the conversation – Sorry, you’re just not that interesting… It’s great to have non-stop conversation on first dates (lulls can be so awkward when you’re chatting with someone new), however it should not be all about yourself. No matter how interesting you think you are, try to encourage your date to share some info about themselves. Trust me - I’ve been on dates with men who talk about themselves incessantly and, although it may be amusing for the first 2 minutes, start to imagine a lifetime of it………

* Don’t overshare – Guilty as charged. I am an open book and must always resist the urge to share everything with everyone. While it’s good to be open, it’s not good to be an open-heart surgery.

* Don’t try to be someone you’re not – I’ve never understood this. How can one be someone that one is not??? I suppose, if one is an oscar-winning actor, one could pull off being someone else… Or, if one suffers from multiple personality disorder, one could potentially be many people that one is not, but for the rest of us……???!!!

* Don’t propose – Hell, no! Jesus – I think I had a massive coronary just reading that…

* Don’t ignore cues – This is the hardest work of all. Trying to pick up on the subtleties of a stranger is not easy. I prefer to look for more obvious signs, such as yawning (an obvious signal that he wants to get me into bed), looking at other women (an obvious sign that he wants a threesome), begging the waitress to bring the bill (an obvious sign that he wants a foursome) and constantly looking towards the exit sign (an obvious sign that he can’t wait to take us all out of there).

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Sex Boycott

I’ve never done this to anyone before – I swear!
I recently read an article about a poor, poor Kenyan man (we’ll call him Quityer Complainin), who is suing a group called G10 (not sure how they are able to have this name, as the G10 is more commonly known as a group of industrial countries who consult and cooperate on economic and financial matters, but I digress….). Apparently, this confusingly misnomered G10 group (a coalition of women’s groups) appealed to Kenyan women to boycott sex in order to push the men into resolving political issues. Let me make one thing clear to the G10 for future reference: If you want something done by a man, don’t cut off the sex. Don’t do it. If you want something done, use sex as a reward. It’s positive reinforcement at it’s finest – whatever Pavlov’s dogs did for food, men will do for booty. Is that clear???!!!

Anyhoo, back to the horrifying ordeal that Quityer Complainin was forced to suffer through. His awful, awful wife banned him from sex for 7 days. 7 days. That’s right, 7 days. I’ve had dry spells that have lasted more than 7 months, but whatever, this is not about me....... Quityer Complainin is suing the G10 for unbearable suffering that included:

* Mental anguish (this story is causing me mental anguish)
* Stress
* Backaches
* Lack of concentration
* Anxiety
* Sleepless nights

The organizers of the sex strike claimed that it was a success. I’m not sure how that could be, as the political strife remains… The Kenyan president and his rival held brief talks and cabinet meetings during the boycott, which seems to have satisfied the naïve G10. What might have happened during these closed door talks and meetings? What were they really doing behind closed doors?? Probably watching the latest Kenyan porn flicks, wanking and then coming out with smiles like the joker on their faces, making the press believe that they’d made progress in their 'relations', but I’m just sayin’…..

Sunday, May 10, 2009

1,000 Guys...

… reveal what they really thought about you after your date……. It’s like a train wreck – you kind of don’t want to know, but you REALLY, REALLY have to know. In my favourite new book (which I haven’t read yet…), titled ‘Why He Didn’t Call You Back’, the author, Rachel Greenwald, summarizes the feedback of ONE THOUSAND dates from a male perspective. Yep, train wreck.

I recently saw the author on a morning show and was interested in her feedback. She didn’t strike me as the kind of serial singleton that I have come to know and love, she was more mumsy, which causes me to question her experience as a desperately dating tragic spinster. She looked like a wife and mother, but I’ll delve into her questionable qualifications in my own time to satisfy my skepticism… She claims to be a relationship coach AND to have an MBA from Harvard, so let’s see what she had to say:

* Don’t Conduct An Interview – Greenwald warns against conducting dates like interviews. I have to object here – every date that I’ve conducted like an interview, and there have been many, has turned out very well. To all singletons, I emplore you to conduct a Spanish inquisition and grill them for all the info you can get. Knowledge is power.

* Don’t Be The Boss Lady – Apparently, if a woman is on a date with a heterosexual man (hey, these days you never can tell…), he would prefer for her to be acquiescent and feminine. Therefore, she urges women not to show up on dates straight from work – the power persona coupled with a power suit can be intimidating for men and ends up being a turn off. Don’t talk about work, don’t show how demanding you can really be and, above all else, don’t take the lead. That’s right – apparently doing things like opening the door for him or, god forbid, hailing a cab, will send the wrong signal and will not encourage him to call again.

* Don’t Be a B*tch – Ahhhhhhh, common sense prevails. In case you were wondering, men do not find it alluring when you act like a vicious c*nt on a date.

Well, there you go – I’ve just saved you over 300 pages of reading and $28 plus shipping and handling.

FYI - I've done the research and I was right - Rachel Greenwald is a wife and mother (I can spot them a mile away) and earns a living as a relationship coach. I would have preferred it if she was single (is just so much more organic), but her research reveals helpful hints whether she is Sally Spinster or Sally Housecoat.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

… because I’m getting another year deeper into my dirty thirties and I’m not enthused. May is my birthday month, and I love it for the green grass, leafy trees, blooming flowers and mild temperatures. However, I hate it for the fact that I will turn another year older.

I’ve had a problem with getting older for many years now. No matter how hard I have tried, I have been unable to stop the aging process. I think that getting older (or, should I say, becoming less young???) is a contentious subject for me as I have been single for a long time and with every passing year, gravity takes it’s toll and makes those 20-something girls look better and better to men my age.

Another factor that is making this birthday difficult is that this might be my Bridget birthday. What is the significance of that, you ask? I believe that I am turning the age that Bridget Jones was in the first revolutionary novel. This scares me a bit. I love Bridge, but my god – I think it’s going to take a lot of cigarettes and alcohol units to get through this one.

In order to combat the dreadful process of becoming less (and less, and less…) young, I do my best to exercise, eat well and get enough rest. Gravity, however, has taken a toll on my body and with each passing year, I lament as I notice changes to the landscape – imperfections, if you will - that don’t help my self esteem. Thankfully, I’ve found a fella who finds these imperfections to be perfectly imperfect. Still, I have my esteem issues (my esteem issues and I have had a long, long relationship). What are these irritating imperfections? Well, I am willing to share with you that:

* My ass is trying to make friends with my ankles

* My breasts are trying to move in with my armpits

* My skin is perfecting it’s impression of an orange peel

* My hair, in keeping with current fashion trends, has decided that grey is the new brown

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter, J Dog

All of my posts are written from the point of view of the bachelorette, which is getting boring. On this Easter Sunday, I’d like to write about Jesus – the most unacknowledged bachelor of all time.

Seriously – this guy was living the life! He was always hanging out with 12 of his best mates, turning water into wine and, so typically male, keeping a whore around for good measure. Not only that, but he walked around half naked most of the time and always had bed head (such a trend-setter – the look prevails to this day). Like most party animals, he kept quiet during the day (his hangovers must have been fierce – just look at the above picture – that looks like it was a crazy party!). Hell, he even got arrested a couple of times (the pressure of being the son of God must be hard to deal with and could explain the wino tendency and desire to initiate round table discussions about which party to hit next…). Right on, J Dog – your visionary singleton sensibilities continue to inspire spinsters and bachelors everywhere. Peace.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Tea and Sympathy

Ahhhhh, the sordid tales of online dating… Obviously, some people have not read my rules of etiquette (please see previous post titled “Dating Etiquette 101”). The latest story goes:
Guy smiles at girl online.
Girl smiles back.
Guy IM’s girl.
This leads to phone calls.
Guy ASKS GIRL for a coffee date.
Guy and girl meet for coffee.
Girl realizes guy isn’t her type and wants to run for the hills but, having read my rules of etiquette, understands that a coffee date during the day is not a huge time commitment (it greatly aides the chance of escape as weekends are busy – one could have to leave to get to their gym class, run errands, wash hair for the date occurring later that evening………) and, therefore, stays for as long as it takes to drink a cup of tea.
(Ladies – as an aside – ordering a room temperature drink, although not cozy, will greatly enhance the ability to escape sooner if need be)
Guy and girl part ways amicably.
Guy sends girl a text a couple of days later at 2.30am.
Girl is pissed.
Guy leaves nasty message for girl a week later, chastising her for not offering to pay for her tea on the date. To add insult to injury, he advised her that her not-paying-for-tea-on-a-date-that-he-requested behaviour was part of the reason why she is still single. I wonder, in turn, why guy is still single???
The moral of the story? If you can’t afford a cup of tea, don’t ask people out on dates. Also, please resist the urge to send texts during the middle of the night. Lastly, please follow up the date with a phone call. We prefer that.
If I was the type of person who named names, guy WOULD NEVER GET ANOTHER DATE in Cosmopolitan City ever again!

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Blunders, slip-ups and other unforgiveable gaffes

My friends at eHarmony are on a roll and the latest unsolicited piece of advice to land in my inbox refers to the 4 most common dating mistakes that women make. I wondered why this only appealed to women – however when I read the content, it became apparent:

Talking about long-term commitment too soon. Yes, this is directed at women and yes, your man will run for the hills.

Unloading past relationship baggage. Whenever I ask men why their relationships fail, I always get the same answer – that she was a “psycho.” Since all men believe that their relationships end due to horrifying and irreconcilable psychotic behaviour by women, only women would be able to talk about the actual baggage that ruined their previous relationships.

Conducting a job interview. Actually, I don’t agree that this is a mistake. I feel that dates are like interviews and I would like to propose that daters show up with resumes and (professional) head shots. Why? There is a lot of information to remember in a short amount of time and, depending on the number of dates, it’s hard to keep the info straight. Dates are just like interviews but they are typically facilitated by a steady flow of alcohol and are therefore slightly more enjoyable.

Being ungrateful and unappreciative. After years of dating weirdos and experiencing many types of strange situations and psychological torture that I would have preferred not to, I must admit that I appreciate every aspect of non-weirdo behaviour that I experience now and I am very grateful for it.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

Hello, Lover

Look at them. Look how beautiful they are. They are without a doubt the most gorgeous booties I have ever seen. For many, MANY months I have wanted to have a relationship with these booties. I have pursued them relentlessly – shamefully, really. Honestly, I have stalked these booties twice a day for 6 months on ebay in an attempt to bring us together. I almost gave up. It was the saddest of unrequited loves and seemed doomed to end in tragedy, like the brief affair between Romeo and Juliet (yes, I do believe this is a fair comparison)… I began to feel that the booties just didn’t want to be with me and it hurt. A lot.

Finally, yesterday, fate stepped in and I was able to purchase the booties. We will finally be together within 5 – 7 business days. We really WERE meant to be! My outfits and I are so excited! I am so very, very happy! I think I have now found inner peace. I guess, sometimes, persistent stalking and raging obsession really pays off.

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Relationship Killers a la eHarmony

Just when I think I’ve had my last communication from eHarmony (why, WHY did I ever sign up for that bloody free weekend???), I receive another email that makes me sad for the people who pay good money only to get relationship advice like this. The experts at eHarmony feel that, in order to have a successful relationship, daters should NEVER say the following:

* “Then I guess we shouldn’t be dating!” Ummmm, yeah, then I guess not………

* “Why can’t you be more/less like my ex?” Agreed. If anyone put that kind of comparison on me I’d be running for the hills.

* “I’m just too tired from working all day to help you with that.” I have a demanding job and understand what it’s like to work like a maniac, however I agree with this – people who don’t pull their weight in relationships should be taken out back and shot.

* “Let’s go grave digging!” When the hell has that EVER happened??? Who wrote this sh*t???!!! For those of you who HAVE experienced this, then yes, it IS a relationship killer.

* “Do as I say, not as I do.” Agreed. As far as being bossy and demanding goes, I’d say I’m up there with the bossiest; however I am aware that if I want to boss people around to do stuff, I need to be doing things, too. The only stipulation to this is taking out the trash – that IS undeniably a man’s job and no woman should have to deal with such unpleasantry when there is a capable man around. Besides, we deal with enough of their rubbish....

* “You’re a lousy lover.” I can see how this would not inspire confidence……

* “You knew I was this way when you met me.” Through all the years of dating that I have experienced, I have learned the hard way that it is impossible to change people to be exactly how you want them to be if they are not already that way. Yes, people change as they get older, but not that much. My best friend’s mother once explained that if one is considering getting married and wants to imagine how it things will be further down the road, one should imagine their partner’s worst traits/habits and multiply them by 100. That’s apparently how it will be, so we better pick people who we can stand from the start!

* “No comment.” I don’t think I have EVER been able to withhold comment. Ever. Never.