Thursday, October 23, 2008

The Other C Word

To women, the C word may be cougar but to men, the C word is worse... way worse... it's the scary, dreaded word that many women are afraid to utter in front of their guys at this point (myself included)... the C word for men is COMMITMENT.
I would like now to take the time to define commitment for the benefit of my male readers only. Webster defines the word commitment as "an agreement or pledge to do something in the future; something pledged; the state of being obligated or emotionally impelled". OOOOHHHHH, SCARY!!!!!
I've read a lot about this and we've certainly all heard a lot about men who can't commit. In fact, anyone who has tried online dating lately would almost certainly agree that commitment-phobia has extended from real time to online. It's getting ridiculous. Below is a link for an article on how to get your man to commit in 10 easy steps. Since I'm having trouble enticing men to show up for dates lately, please give the below a read and if you have any success, let me know!

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

The C Word

Someone threw the C word at me today. It was a terrifying experience. It shook me to my core. I was shaky, sweaty and heard the buzzing sound in my ears which usually indicates that I'm about to pass out. Although it was a joke, I didn't really find it funny - I'm EXTREMELY sensitive to THAT word... that dreaded C word..... COUGAR. I hate it with a passion. Grrrrr..........
My greatest fear is that someone will call me a cougar and mean it. When I was younger, I thought that any single woman over 30 who wore leopard print, huge gold earrings with matching necklaces, stilettos and faded denim complimented by blue eyeshadow, bright red lipstick and excessive amounts of fake tan was a cougar. Although I do not fit this description in the wardrobe or makeup sense, I am now over thirty and single. Now that I see my contemporaries in the same boat, I feel that the average age for a cougar is now 40 or over. This number increases as I age... I have a distaste for younger men, so technically I may never fall into this dreaded category (even if I was wearing leopard, red lipstick, stilettos and faded denim...), but still.... I HATE that word. So for any of you who are single and over 40 with a penchant for younger men, please beware of this season's fashion trends towards animal skins of all sorts (cheetah, leopard, zebra) - it's dangerous territory!

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

Crystal Ball

I wish I had one. I'd simply like to know if I'll ever meet someone and have a family. Or not. Is that too much to ask??? When I think about the amount of money (and time) that I've spent on visiting psychics over the years, it sickens me. Instead of paying psychics to tell me what will (or, most of the time, will not) happen, I could have:
* bought tens of pairs of designer shoes on Ebay
* bought ten pairs of designer shoes
* bought 5 pairs of designer shoes and 5 matching handbags
* taken ten fabulous vacations to exotic destinations with fabulous girlfriends
* made a significant difference towards the payment of my mortgage
* sponsored hundreds, if not thousands, of children in need (but please, I have my own problems...)

Monday, October 20, 2008

Remote Control

One of the most irritating things about not having a man around to fix things is when complicated items, such as the intimidating clicker, break. My clicker broke a few weeks ago and I tried replacing the batteries, pushing all the buttons, banging it on the coffee table and then crying, but nothing helped. It is dead. Now I have to turn the tv on and off manually. I can live like this, but I think it's a shame that there's no one around to help out with these gadget-y things. There are lots of things that need to get done around the house (including me...) and no one to do it except pricey professionals (oh, the implications of that statement!!!).
I should mention, however, that a friend and fellow blogger informed me that once there is a man on the scene, I will lose access to both the tv and the remote!

Sunday, October 19, 2008

A New Tradition

I am a traditional girl. I like to be approached by men (but I don't like to be propositioned - please refer to Friends with Benefits post below). However, this doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere lately. So, I have just been very forward and made the first move online! This is a first for me and I will advise you of my progress. I feel like a new woman (yet also kind of scared)!

My Couch

In addition to the fabulous fringe boots in the post below, I've also developed strong feelings for my couch. My couch and I have been spending more and more time together lately, due to the fact that the dates just haven't been working out. Being the main piece of furniture in my place (besides my bed, which I also have a strong affection for), we are together most of the time when I am at home. After a (bad) date, my couch is there to cradle my sad ass. In fact, it is the throne from where I am sitting as I compose these thoughtful posts!

Fabulous Fringe Boots

I would like to say that, at this point, I have more feelings for these gorgeous boots than I think I ever could for any man!

Dating Against Type

I have a type, I can't seem to help it. I like tall, dark and handsome men. I know some people who have a type and some who don't. I definitely do. In order to change things up, I tried dating a blonde (ended up being a bad experience) and a ginger (also bad). A friend once criticized me for not being more open to different types, so when I had the opportunity to go short, fat, bald..... I did!
It was ridiculous. We looked silly together and he was so nervous on our second date that he ended up choking on his wine. After a long dinner with strained conversation and fighting horrible images of what our children might look like, I was not the first person in the restaurant to get up to help him out. He lived.
The moral of this story is that attraction is ingrained. I suppose that my attraction to tall, dark, handsome and older men may have something to do with my father, but I'd prefer not to go there.... I think it's a great idea to date different types and try new things but at this point, I'm also okay with sticking to what I like.


I met Superman at work. We ended up with cubicles beside each other, though thankfully we worked in different departments and the shared office space was only to be temporary (just like our relationship). We flirted with each other like mad and used to sneak out of the office for coffee or meet up for drinks after work. People were suspicious, especially his coworkers (he worked in IT and all of the IT nerds were in awe that a fellow IT nerd had scored!). Once our new spaces were determined and we didn't have to sit next to each other, we began dating. It was new and exciting and we were really anticipating getting it on, as we'd been tempting each other for months. Finally, we went out, got loaded and ended up in bed. I noticed that he had a Superman tattoo on his right shoulder and, I must admit, I was hoping for the best. What ended up occurring was the dirtiest, slimiest kink-fest ever. I've only ever had my body parts referred to with swear words before by men who I've been in close relationships with... I'm assuming that he'd learned most of his moves from porn. I nearly got whiplash from his not too subtle attempts to direct my head towards his kryptonite. He was and remains the only man who has ever spat on me during sex........ This was Superman sex.
We broke up shortly thereafter.

Re: Online Dating

I would like to tell you about the outfit that I finally picked for the ill-fated online date (please see post below). After many hours of consideration, I decided on skinny jeans tucked into high heel boots with a black button down shirt accented with a black sash belt and simple crystal earrings. Although I did not get any male feedback that evening, my supportive friend (who wholeheartedly joined me in getting SH*Tfaced that night) said I looked great......
I've put up a picture of jeans tucked into fringe boots, which was originally a suggestion for the evening but was quickly discarded as a first date option. Apparently, though, this look would be perfect for a daytime date, such as coffee or brunch.

If It's Not One Thing, It's My Mother

I was 26 years old when I broke up with a boyfriend that I had been seeing for 7 years. My mother was devastated. I clearly remember her sage advice at the time: "You know, Carrie Blogshaw, that it gets harder to meet people as you get older". She was right.
My mother, June Cleaver Blogshaw, is very concerned regarding the state of my love life at this time. Many of her friends children (who I used to babysit, I'd like to add) have gotten married and are now HAVING children. I, the eldest, remain single... This causes her (as well as myself!) great concern. In a passive aggressive attempt to remind me that I should get married, she used to leave the thank you cards from the weddings she attended at my place at the table. Sometimes I didn't recognize or had not even met the people in the pictures staring back at me. I moved out.
Two years ago, she attempted to set me up with one of her friends sons. I had some questions:
"Is he cute?"
"Is he tall?"
"No, he's short"
"Does he have dark hair?"
"He's bald"
We later found out that he has a terrible drinking problem and gets so drunk that he sometimes can't make it to the washroom and ends up urinating in house plants in the living room. I was shocked. My mom didn't seem so shocked and was quick to remind me that it wouldn't be much of a problem, as I have laminate floors......

Saturday, October 18, 2008

Fag Hag

Yes, I've spent some time in that role. I love it. I love my gay friends and cherish my relationship with one person in particular, who acted as my "gay boyfriend" for two years while I lived abroad. However, when I got back I met the man of my dreams. If I could have drawn the perfect man, it would have looked just like him. He was gorgeous, tall, smart, funny, successfull, worldly and the most masculine man I'd ever met. I'd seen a psychic years before who had predicted that I would meet someone with a particular background, and this guy had that background. It was bizarre but so exciting. We met a few times but nothing ever happened and then he moved away for work. Still, a common friend continued to try to set us up, as we'd seemed like such a good match. This never worked out.
I have been crushing on this man on and off for 3 years, hoping that one day he would move back to the country and we could begin our romance (which had been building up in my head for too long). I got a call from our mutual friend this week to let me know why it was always so hard to set the two of us up.... The guy is gay.
I've been crushing on a gay guy for 3 years.
On a positive note, although it's a cruel loss for women (myself in particular), it's one hell of a gain for the dudes!

Self Help

Before anyone recommends that I seek help after reading these posts, I would like to let you know that I am very familiar with the Self Help sections at most book stores and I have become a fan of life coach Louise Hay.

Friends with Benefits

This was the most hilarious yet inapropriate proposal I have ever received from someone that I have dated. This happened in the summer of '08. I had just been passively broken up with (meaning: he had apparently decided that he didn't have enough time to devote to the relationship, but he had forgotten to tell me and decided that by stopping to communicate entirely, I might get the drift.....).

After 5 weeks of no communication (this was with Mr. Hello, Wall), I got an email from him. He told me he was not able to give 100% to the relationship at the time, but was wondering if I was interested in a friends with benefits situation. He felt that would be a way for us to both enjoy the summer without too many demands. Thanks for the suggestion!

I was unsure how to handle that one. At first, I thought it might be liberating for me to find my inner Samantha Jones and go ahead with the arrangement. That was, until, after searching for Samantha for a few days, all I was able to come up with was Charlotte. Also, I remembered that the sex hadn't been good for me, therefore this was no longer an option. In an effort to play the game and keep it friendly (we have friends in common), I jokingly replied to inquire about the benefits scheme he was offering. What sort of benefits were on offer? Was it competitive in the market place? I guess after faking orgasms for many, many years, I'd become good enough at it that he didn't even realize that I'd been unimpressed with his benefits for months!

A Post-It?

I got dumped by email.
After 3 months.
Not sure if a Post-It would have been more personal..............

Hello, Wall

Before my misadventures in online dating began, I did have the pleasure of meeting men in real time. My last dating experience involved a man who seemed decent when he would talk, but unfortunately for me, he spent most of his time not speaking. The second-last time that we went out (I felt I needed to see him one more tooth-pulling time before I would know FOR SURE that this was a waste of the pretty), I felt I needed to address the fact that he had propositioned a sex-only relationship and I did not agree. I feel, at this point in my life, that I am looking for more. In university, this might have been acceptable. In thirty-something land, this sh*t doesn't fly.
Compounding the non-speaking issue was the fact that, as hard as it was for him to talk, he was completely unable to discuss relationships of any kind (the one that we were in, the one he'd been in before, the ones I'd been in before...). I tried to explain to him (kindly) that I didn't feel comfortable with a "friends with benefits" relationship. He sat there and stared blankly at me while I struggled to shoot down the proposal. It was painful. It was like trying to talk to a wall. In hindsight, it was hilarious. At the time, it was "Hello, Wall".

Re: Online Dating, Take One

I would also like to point out that I spent 2 days and involved the input of several friends and coworkers to pick out the best possible outfit (plus 2 contingency outfits) for the date that never was......

Online Dating, Take One

This is my first post and the subject of this post is what inspired this blog. I've been experiencing a less-than-successful dating life for the past few years and some of my recent experiences have pushed me into territory that I never thought I would use to hopefully meet someone decent..... Yes, I went outside my comfort zone and into the world of ONLINE DATING.

I took some time to create a somewhat thoughtful profile (complete with photo carefully chosen so as to look pretty but not overly made up, friendly but not friendly in a guy's opinion, which would just be slutty, fun-loving but not drunk - it was hard to find a photo!) and let the magical world of digital dating take its course.

Four weeks, 76 viewings, 37 smiles received and 5 smiles sent later, I met someone decent online! He seemed decent, I should say. We had lots in common and had funny conversations over the highly impersonal instant messaging service. We made plans to meet well in advance, as I was busy travelling. After 2 weeks of waiting, we made a date, time and area to meet, but he wanted to choose the exact location. Fine with me! He took my number and said he would call me the next day to set it up but I never received the call. He never called me the day of the date or the evening of the date! I ended up at the pub that night with a friend, commiserating over several drinks. My friend told me that it could take 100 dates to fnd 1 decent man. I understand the logic, but how will I ever go on 100 dates when I can't get someone to show up for ONE???!!! I'm unbelievably frustrated.