Trading Up

I have heard others describe Facebook as the root of all evil. I have now experienced the evil first hand. Through an invitation to a friend’s birthday party, I came across a picture of my ex, the crashing bore known as Mr. Hello Wall. First came the profile photo to show that he had bought a house. Then came the profile photo to indicate that not only is he married, but he married the woman he met on Craigslist after we broke up. He married the chrome sucking slut (see related post).

Now, the fact that I am not married to Mr. Hello Wall is just fine. The idea of spending the rest of my life with a (poorly endowed) man who is only capable of having lengthy conversations about his salary and/or new car would be punishing. However, I am disturbed and insulted by who he married. After all, is it not a universally known fact that, when one relationship ends, your next partner is supposed to be an IMPROVEMENT on the last???!!! The only thing he’s been known to brag about her is the fact that “she could suck the chrome off a fender”. Fair enough – I never liked the guy enough to perform that task for him. I guess, for some men (or, perhaps, most men…), that’s all it really takes…

I’m not sure what would possess someone to advertise themselves on the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist (a website known more for the buying and selling of scummy old furniture than for scummy old vaginas…), but this is where Mr. Hello Wall found love. What scares the sh*t out of me is that he might actually think he did trade up???!!! Good lord – I’ve seen the photos. I’m having a crisis of confidence! Do I not have as much to offer as someone who sells their body online???!!!

Despite this perplexing scenario, I am still a big believer in the theory of trading up. After all, I did!

Faking It

Yes, I’ve faked it. Many times. Countless, copious, unfathomably many times….. So now, by popular demand, I’m going to let you know all about it.

Faking it is a trick that I’ve found to become very useful as I’ve gotten older and dated such an amazing collection of weirdos. To be honest, I think the first time I faked it was in my late ‘20’s. It had to be done. Luckily, now that I’ve found G Spot, I haven’t had to fake it for a long time. But still, I’d say the “faking it” years amounted to about 3 or 4 – which is 3 or 4 years too many.

The first time I pretended to orgasm was when I was having Superman Sex (see post from 2008). After being verbally abused, made to feel like a whore and - most unimpressively - spat on, I faked an orgasm just to get the whole kinkfest behind me (well, he was already behind me, but that’s not the point….).

The other times that I felt forced to fake it was when I was dating Mr. Hello Wall. In the entire time that we had sex together, I can’t remember if I legitimately came once. Again, in order to get the whole sad sack s*x thing over with, I used to fake him out so that he’d get off me…… I know, I know……… Of course, if I hadn’t faked it, we maybe could have worked on the fact that the s*x was not good for both of us, but when one is endowed like a Paper Mate pencil, it may be worth it to put on the theatrics while simultaneously thinking of creative ways to end the relationship……

In defence of faking it, I have to say that it can force you out of your comfort zone, which is great practice to put a smile on while you’re doing something you hate, which most of us are faced with at some point or another. Really, it’s a good life lesson. Also, I highly recommend it to aspiring actors – I’ve put on some pretty engaging and inspiring performances (oh, if you’d only been able to see what I was working with…..)!

Craig's List

This is perhaps the most insulted I've ever been..... Through all the frustation and confusion that I've been dealing with while pursuing the toughest possible task - dating - this revelation is perhaps the most damaging that I've been dealt yet.
It turns out that Mr. Hello Wall (see previous related posts), who I really can't say that I miss in any way, decided to start looking for women on CRAIG'S LIST after we broke up!
WTF???!!!
He was apparently bragging to a mutual friend that he met a girl who could "suck the chrome off an exhaust pipe/bumper/fender (however the exact quote went...)". I had to laugh, as he could also have said, due to his lack of endowment, that she could "suck the yellow off a pencil". Fucking needle-dick.
Anyhoo, I just cannot believe that someone would stop seeing me and think: "where to find a great girl now?....... of course! Craig's List!".
God help me.
Isn't Craig's List where one would go to, say, list or buy an old couch? old chair?? old rug??? old, crappy, roach-infested apartment downtown?????
Apparently, though, it is a great place for one to find chrome-sucking sluts!!!

Friends with Benefits

This was the most hilarious yet inapropriate proposal I have ever received from someone that I have dated. This happened in the summer of '08. I had just been passively broken up with (meaning: he had apparently decided that he didn't have enough time to devote to the relationship, but he had forgotten to tell me and decided that by stopping to communicate entirely, I might get the drift.....).

After 5 weeks of no communication (this was with Mr. Hello, Wall), I got an email from him. He told me he was not able to give 100% to the relationship at the time, but was wondering if I was interested in a friends with benefits situation. He felt that would be a way for us to both enjoy the summer without too many demands. Thanks for the suggestion!

I was unsure how to handle that one. At first, I thought it might be liberating for me to find my inner Samantha Jones and go ahead with the arrangement. That was, until, after searching for Samantha for a few days, all I was able to come up with was Charlotte. Also, I remembered that the sex hadn't been good for me, therefore this was no longer an option. In an effort to play the game and keep it friendly (we have friends in common), I jokingly replied to inquire about the benefits scheme he was offering. What sort of benefits were on offer? Was it competitive in the market place? I guess after faking orgasms for many, many years, I'd become good enough at it that he didn't even realize that I'd been unimpressed with his benefits for months!

Hello, Wall

Before my misadventures in online dating began, I did have the pleasure of meeting men in real time. My last dating experience involved a man who seemed decent when he would talk, but unfortunately for me, he spent most of his time not speaking. The second-last time that we went out (I felt I needed to see him one more tooth-pulling time before I would know FOR SURE that this was a waste of the pretty), I felt I needed to address the fact that he had propositioned a sex-only relationship and I did not agree. I feel, at this point in my life, that I am looking for more. In university, this might have been acceptable. In thirty-something land, this sh*t doesn't fly.
Compounding the non-speaking issue was the fact that, as hard as it was for him to talk, he was completely unable to discuss relationships of any kind (the one that we were in, the one he'd been in before, the ones I'd been in before...). I tried to explain to him (kindly) that I didn't feel comfortable with a "friends with benefits" relationship. He sat there and stared blankly at me while I struggled to shoot down the proposal. It was painful. It was like trying to talk to a wall. In hindsight, it was hilarious. At the time, it was "Hello, Wall".