Sick Sex

Yeah. I mean, really… I’ve been approached for sex when I’ve had colds, flus, wicked PMS, just after hand surgery, just after butt surgery… I’ve had broken ankle sex (btw – that wasn’t comfortable), torn rotator cuff sex and, worst of all, the romp while brutally bloated. Yeah.

I’ve never been in a relationship where sexual attraction waned, which I’m very happy about. Always, on some level, there is a high degree of desire that I believe is key in sustaining a long term relationship. However, how much is too much? Where do you draw the line between keeping it fresh and f*cking a freak?? How sick is too sick???

Last weekend, I got sick. I joked with G Spot about sick sex , which was no deterrent. He was eager to get it on. Really???!!! I was blowing my nose all over the place and, believe me, it was not hot. If G Spot had been coughing and blowing his way around the room, I wouldn’t have been game. What is sexy about a woman who’s sweating, sputtering and forming a dependent relationship with a box of tissues? Even though I was wearing a thong, the look just wasn’t happening…

I’ve been highly educated on the virtues of sex and how it improves health. According to all my boyfriends, both past and present, the list of pros goes on and on. And on. The Alcoholic Workaholic liked to tell me that cum is high in protein. Emotional F*ckwit ’08 tried to tell me that trace amounts of vital nutrients could be found in his spunk. G Spot believes firmly in the healing power of his mad sex. Perhaps he’s right – I usually do feel better afterwards. But sometimes, guys, please… Mildly sick sex can definitely have benefits, but super sick sex is so unsightly!

Isn't it fabulous when your little brother gets engaged......

before you do???!!!...... This is supposed to be a happy time and I am genuinely pleased for my brother, the annoying yet endearing Beavis Blogshaw, and his fiancee. They are both lovely people and they seem to have a good thing going. Good for them! How does this story relate to me? The way he broke the news. So, what should have been a time of celebration and excitement became a time of pressure and insecurity. It went like this:

Beavis: "Hey Carrie, are you sitting down?"
Carrie: "No - I'm at work and we're not encouraged to engage in comforting behaviour..."
Beavis: "Sit down"
Carrie: "What's up?"
Beavis: "Now...... I don't want you to feel any pressure, but your little brother just got engaged!"

Yeah, okay! I wasn't feeling any pressure until I was told NOT TO FEEL ANY PRESSURE..... WTF???!!! I was expecting this news - I had encouraged Beav to pop the question over the holidays and I knew he'd been looking at rings, but I wasn't prepared for the tables to be turned on me. Afterwards, I spoke to my mother. Needless to say, things worsened from there... The convo with our family matriarch, the highly annoying woman who continually beats me with a pressure stick, June Cleaver Blogshaw, went something like this:

June Cleaver Blogshaw: "Did you hear the news? Isn't it exciting?? I have to go put on some lipstick!!!"
Carrie: ???!!!
June Cleaver Blogshaw: "I'm going for lunch with the girls on Friday and I can't wait to tell them the exciting news that Beavis is engaged!!! And then they'll all wonder - what about Carrie???"
Carrie: at this point I was choking back tears and had to end the conversation. I cried all the way to the gym, where I then used my anger to obliterate invisible opponents in my combat class.......

What about Carrie? Well, here's the deal. I am aware of the natural/birth order of things. I am aware that it is societally expected of me to reach these mating milestones first, as I am the older child. I have not yet reached any mating milestones. What can I say? I'm not engaged. I was almost engaged once (to The Alcoholic Workaholic) and that wouldn't have been a good story. So, what about Carrie? I think there are other things about Carrie that might be worth mentioning, such as Carrie works really hard at her job and is doing her best to set herself up for success in 2010. Carrie has great friends and a very active social life. Carrie writes a well-received blog about dating, mating and relating. Carrie is very happy in a healthy relationship with a great guy, the sex maniac known as G Spot. All in all, Carrie is good. Why is it, then, that the only thing that's interesting about Carrie in my mother's friends eyes, is my marital status or lack thereof???

Here are some points that I might mention to my mother after I have worked it out with my therapist:
* Carrie is right where she needs to be. Carrie, over the past few years, has had 3 men tell her that they want to spend the rest of their lives with her and it was said of their own free will - Carrie never applied any pressure
* Carrie has dated many people over many years and has taken the time to reflect on the qualities that she can do without and made a laundry list of the qualities that she needs
* Carrie does not want to date or be married to anyone who is lacking the qualities that it would take to be happily married
* Carrie enjoys her independence and also enjoys being in a relationship that lacks the drudgery of a life spent living with a partner
* Carrie, being a disenchanted atheist who has enjoyed sex before marriage for many years, fears ever having a church ceremony in case she bursts into flames....

"Santa, baby...

.... leave a sable under the tree for me. Been an awful good girl, Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight...."

Ahhhhh, Marilyn Monroe knew exactly what to ask from Santa years ago. I've always known what to ask for, but as for what to give - that's entirely different. My dilemma this year, as opposed to many Christmases past, is that I need to give G Spot a gift. When I was with Mr. Hello Wall, for example, I made sure to dump him before the holidays, as I didn't want to have to buy him something. This year is different. Although we've been together for a while, we haven't actually exchanged gifts yet. So, this is MAJOR.

I've already bought G Spot's gifts (plural because I couldn't decide on just one and was very confused about the whole thing...). I tried to buy thoughtful and meaningful, as well as nice, gifts for him. I don't want to say what I got, in case he reads this, but let's just say that I bought gifts to appeal to his senses of:

* electronic, techy things (well, maybe I'm trying to persuade his interest in such things...)
* useful things made of leather
* underthings

The first exchange of gifts in a relationship is stressful. Perhaps I went a bit over the top, but I need to set a precedent. I want G Spot to see that I took the time to find things that he would find thoughtful, useful and cool. I want to give good gifts. The message? I want to receive good gifts, too. When in my too-long relationship with the Alcoholic Workaholic, I received a mug and set of wooden Russian dolls for xmas one sad, sad year. Needless to say, the dolls ended up in the fireplace and the mug died a tragic death in a nearby parking lot... One of the worst gifts ever! So far, G Spot has proven himself to be very thoughtful and generous, so I'm not expecting to get power tools or other such uselessness.... Still, the questions remain - what to get? how much $$$ to spend?? what should the expectation be???

I tried my best and really hope that G Spot will be happy with his electric nose hair clipper, leather fetish suit and g string!