My Own Personal Mr. Big

I have a Mr. Big in my life.
In a way, I'm sure we all do--a guy who comes in and out of your life, gives you great sex, takes it away, breaks your heart repeatedly yet keeps you crawling back for more, in the way that makes you wonder about your dignity.  And pride..  And mental health…
I was living in New York, surviving on cheap wine, bar snacks and the hope that my measly fashion internship would actually get me somewhere.  I hadn't lived there long when he called. Of course he called, because it had been a while. He was going to be visiting his girlfriend and wanted to know if I wanted to meet up with them to get a drink. Oh the girlfriend, the one he so frequently threatened to cheat on for me. Well, I did love controversy, so why not?
The night eventually came and I decided I would look as New York and fabulous as I could.  I put on my stilettos, sleek trench, tightest jeans and a sexy black top. He was going to be impressed and she was going to know it. 
I met up with them on West 73rd, a street far from my flat in Brooklyn. I won her over immediately and he was impressed. We sat in a dark bar, chasing whiskey with vodka shots.  He got honest as soon as the drinks starting flowing. He'd lean in when she'd run off to the bathroom and tell me that they were breaking up and that he still thought about me. The leans turned into kisses but I pushed him away. I wasn't looking to get punched that evening.
As the night progressed, he came up with an idea. He reminisced on our days of wild threesomes, laundry room sex and hair pulling and asked, "What if we have a threesome tonight?" I'd be lying if I said I wasn't game. Actually, I was dying to. My Mr. Big had all the same attributes that the real Mr. Big had. It was perfection, really.
I agreed, but said he had to make it happen. When she returned, he bought more shots and another round of drinks.  We were drunk by the time bar closing rolled around. Now was the time to act. We were to suggest that it was unsafe for me to ride the subway alone at that time of night (it is) and that I should crash for a few hours. He would take it from there.
We stood in the street. Me teetering on my heels, she not having a word of any thing he said. I began to wonder if she had seen him trying to kiss me. He was crumbling--a side I had never seen before. They fought on the sidewalk as I edged closer to the subway. I hastily waved goodbye and ran for the train.
They fought all night and it took me two hours to get home. He texted me the next day to tell me about it and I told him I had to take care of "business" as usual. He said he wished he could have been apart of it...  They left the city the next day.
This was two years ago and I haven't been face to face with that him since. He still sexts me every now and then, usually drunken, illogical. Fortunately, we still live in separate cities. It's an important and much needed distance.
Our story won't end the same as Mr. Big and Carrie.  Mine usually ends at Adam & Eve , looking for something else to get the job done. I've dated plenty of people since him and am in a relationship now, but it doesn't keep him from mentally and textually coming back to haunt me. There's always something about those Mr. Bigs...

Don't Get Your (Granny) Panties In A Knot!

... I wonder if my sex tape will get a similar reaction when it gets released...




... I wonder if, in the future, my spinster friends and I will have similar, knowledgeable and reminiscent banter while watching the sex tape du jour when the time comes (comes - heh!)...



... I wonder why, given the overwhelming reactions of the grannies, Kim K didn't stick with this guy!

Review: Sliquid Silk (My New Favourite Thing)

Mmm Hmm! I am very pleased (and boy, was I ever pleased) to write my first sex toy review!

I was very generously awarded with Sliquid Silk, a sexy tube of lube from my friends at EdenFantasys. Having just started a new relationship, it took a while for me to get the chance to actually use it, but now that I did, I’ll never go back.

Sliquid Silk is pure sexual luxury in a bottle. This personal lubricant offers up a whole new set of sensations for both you and your partner (or for your own solo escapades). It has that “Je ne c’est quois” that other lubes just don’t have. You and your partner will look at each other wondering “How did they do that?” As the name implies, it miraculously feels like liquid silk and you will find yourself repeatedly grabbing the bottle to use more. Additionally, it is completely tolerable when it finds it way into your mouth and most importantly, it leaves no aftertaste. Sliquid Silk is an easy, inexpensive way to change things up in the bedroom and is a great way to surprise your partner.

I am very pleased to have formed a relationship not only with my luxurious new lube, but also with EdenFantasys. I encourage you, my randy readers, to check out their website and all of the fun, flirty fabulousness that is for sale. Offering online shopping (for those of you who like to protect your privacy) and great deals, there’s still time to hook yourseves up for the holidays!

Sex Type Thing

Ahhh, new sex...

Well, maybe it's not always Ahhh, maybe it's more like Uhhh... New sex is great - it's different and exciting. However, that is also what can make it anxiety-inducing and stressful. Having had new sex recently (yes!), I can attest to this. After many makeouts, I was so ready to get it on. The new guy, as yet unnamed, is smart, funny and extremely sexy. I was ready. Well, as ready as I could be, less the new nookie nerves.

What was so anxiety inducing for me? Sex is sex, right? Wrong. There are aspects of sex that are standard, however there are some that aren't. Having had fabulous foreplay previously, I knew it was a sure thing, but I didn't know how it would play out. Would we be so worried that it would effect our erotic expression? Would I be so tense that I would inadvertently (and unfortunately) deny him entry and bust the mood?? Would it be a jumbled mess of uncoordinated limbs in all the wrong places???

That is what was going on in my head at the time. What was going on in his head? Well, truth be told, both heads probably reside in the same place at that point, right?!

This nookie rookie is pleased to report that all went well. Particularly, the second time around. Practice makes purrfect!

Let's Get Physical

Ahhh, the physical pain that acts as a rude reminder of how long it's been since you got some...

After a particularly arousing makeout session with the current dreamy guy, I woke up the next day with aches and pains all over. Where were these aches and pains, you wonder? Well, my arms and shoulders were sore (from supporting myself from not falling into him, which might not have been so bad...), I had a crick in my neck from where we fell asleep with our heads together (awww...) and I had tremendous inner thigh pain (from squeezing his sexy bod between my legs). It was stimulating. It was exciting. It brought me out of my sexual coma. Yes!

Trainers say that the best way to beat muscle aches and pains is to continue the exercise. Done. And let me say - the pain is good!

Living In Sin

That's right. G Spot and I, two sinners, are living together before marriage. In a church. God would be so unimpressed. Heh!
The big move happened last week. We have now been living harmoniously in our church conversion condo and it's been a lot different than I ever expected. I have droned on about my fear of living with a man for many, many years. The longer I put it off, the scarier it got. Finally, it became a big, scary monster hiding under the bed. I worried about everything: Would our sex life be ruined? Would we start annoying each other? Would his lack of ability to change the loo roll drive me insane? Would we start fighting over when a lightbulb would be changed? Would we start to hate each other?
I guess I figured that would happen sooner rather than later. However, we took the time to trouble-shoot the scenario. We entered into this arrangement with both our needs as top priorities. We are both private people and we appreciate space. We both have activities that we enjoy doing apart from the relationship that we do not want to give up. We both enjoy our sex life and do not want to f*ck that up. So, what did we do? We decided before moving in to repect each other's space. We respect each other's schedules. His quirks and habits are not annoying me yet, and he claims the same of mine. We had a few bulbs that needed to be changed, and it got done. And, most importantly of all, we are still having sex. Thank God!

Let's talk about sex, lady

Because that's what happens when two bff's have a girls night out. Of course, we spent lots of time talking about other things, such as work, the economy, our outfits, our hair and how having a husband or significant other is like having an adult child. And, obviously, how fun that is...

My bff is a smug married. She has been hauling the ball on a chain for 7 years. Bless... She told tales of how difficult it marriage can be. She told me how long I can expect for it to take to have a lightbulb changed once G Spot and I have shackled ourselves into our lifelong pact. I can expect for his honesty to become much more open and brutal. Apparently, I can also expect my mate to tell me he's too busy to help with dinner and/or cleaning while he's reclined on the sofa drinking a beer and watching football. Or baseball.. Or hockey...

No matter how difficult things get or how stuck they get in the doldrums of daily life, she makes one major concession to her mate every month. Fellatio. Her top tip to keep things from sucking the big one? To suck the big one!

Sick Sex

Yeah. I mean, really… I’ve been approached for sex when I’ve had colds, flus, wicked PMS, just after hand surgery, just after butt surgery… I’ve had broken ankle sex (btw – that wasn’t comfortable), torn rotator cuff sex and, worst of all, the romp while brutally bloated. Yeah.

I’ve never been in a relationship where sexual attraction waned, which I’m very happy about. Always, on some level, there is a high degree of desire that I believe is key in sustaining a long term relationship. However, how much is too much? Where do you draw the line between keeping it fresh and f*cking a freak?? How sick is too sick???

Last weekend, I got sick. I joked with G Spot about sick sex , which was no deterrent. He was eager to get it on. Really???!!! I was blowing my nose all over the place and, believe me, it was not hot. If G Spot had been coughing and blowing his way around the room, I wouldn’t have been game. What is sexy about a woman who’s sweating, sputtering and forming a dependent relationship with a box of tissues? Even though I was wearing a thong, the look just wasn’t happening…

I’ve been highly educated on the virtues of sex and how it improves health. According to all my boyfriends, both past and present, the list of pros goes on and on. And on. The Alcoholic Workaholic liked to tell me that cum is high in protein. Emotional F*ckwit ’08 tried to tell me that trace amounts of vital nutrients could be found in his spunk. G Spot believes firmly in the healing power of his mad sex. Perhaps he’s right – I usually do feel better afterwards. But sometimes, guys, please… Mildly sick sex can definitely have benefits, but super sick sex is so unsightly!

The 10 Storey High Club

Okay, okay….. so it’s not exactly the esteemed Mile High Club, but it’s as close as I’ve come (pardon the pun)! I’ve always fancied myself as kind of a prude. I don’t usually do it, say, swinging from chandeliers and I have no desire for my partner to handcuff me or to zip me into a hooded rubber suit and whip me... Still, I have had a bit of a “thing” for exhibitionism for quite a while. Even when I was a teenager, my mother, the ultimate prude, would yell at me for changing in my room with the curtains up. She thought I was a slut. Perhaps I was.

I get the notion of doing it on a plane, but I don’t get the point of doing it in the washroom. Airplane bathrooms are notoriously scary – they are small, the lighting is terrible and they stink. Yuck. I’m more for trying to do something under a blanket – that’s something to look forward to…

I’ve done it in parks, bar bathrooms and offices – nothing too out of the ordinary. However, when I was in Paris one summer, I had a hotel room with a teeny balcony that offered a view of the Eiffel Tower all lit up in twinkle lights. It was so romantic and ever since then, I’ve had the desire to go back to that balcony and get it on.

Since I’m not likely to make it back to Paris any time soon, I’ve had to settle for my balcony. Although not overlooking the Eiffel Tower, it does offer a beautiful view of downtown Cosmopolitan City. It was my goal this summer to do it on my 10th storey balcony. My lover, G Spot, and I got down to business. There’s something freeing about doing it outdoors. Yes, there may have been some people watching, but isn’t it entertaining for them? If I had been one of the guests at the balcony party across the street as we’d been getting it on, I’d have been very entertained. I'm not sure what their plans were for the entire night, but perhaps we saved them a few dollars on porn....

Sex Boycott

I’ve never done this to anyone before – I swear!
I recently read an article about a poor, poor Kenyan man (we’ll call him Quityer Complainin), who is suing a group called G10 (not sure how they are able to have this name, as the G10 is more commonly known as a group of industrial countries who consult and cooperate on economic and financial matters, but I digress….). Apparently, this confusingly misnomered G10 group (a coalition of women’s groups) appealed to Kenyan women to boycott sex in order to push the men into resolving political issues. Let me make one thing clear to the G10 for future reference: If you want something done by a man, don’t cut off the sex. Don’t do it. If you want something done, use sex as a reward. It’s positive reinforcement at it’s finest – whatever Pavlov’s dogs did for food, men will do for booty. Is that clear???!!!

Anyhoo, back to the horrifying ordeal that Quityer Complainin was forced to suffer through. His awful, awful wife banned him from sex for 7 days. 7 days. That’s right, 7 days. I’ve had dry spells that have lasted more than 7 months, but whatever, this is not about me....... Quityer Complainin is suing the G10 for unbearable suffering that included:

* Mental anguish (this story is causing me mental anguish)
* Stress
* Backaches
* Lack of concentration
* Anxiety
* Sleepless nights

The organizers of the sex strike claimed that it was a success. I’m not sure how that could be, as the political strife remains… The Kenyan president and his rival held brief talks and cabinet meetings during the boycott, which seems to have satisfied the naïve G10. What might have happened during these closed door talks and meetings? What were they really doing behind closed doors?? Probably watching the latest Kenyan porn flicks, wanking and then coming out with smiles like the joker on their faces, making the press believe that they’d made progress in their 'relations', but I’m just sayin’…..

Sexercise

Sexercise is my new favourite term and one that I hope to get on board with in 2009. According to Elle Canada (click on title above for link), an article in The Economist declared "sleep the new sex" in 2008. I'd like to declare regularly occuring sex as the new sex for 2009. According to the magazine author (don't know who this person is, but they are very smart!), having sex can keep us "fit and stress free". Sounds good to me. The article maintains that "(Even without an orgasm)" ...come on now... "sexual activity releases sex hormones that have beneficial effects on our immune, cardiovascular and neurological systems." Below are the 5 reasons why we should all be seeking regularly occuring sex:

* SEXERCISE - According to a study in the UK (those shagging bastards) "those who had regular sex were in better physical shape than those whose lovemaking sessions were more sporadic." We can also build buff bods through sex. "Depending on your position, it can add muscular training and conditioning as well as core stability from maintaining positions." My personal trainer has just lost his job.

* HAPPY HOUR - People who have regular sex are in better moods. Anyone who has known me for the past few years should take this as my excuse for being b*tchier than usual - sorry about that, but obviously I was a victim of my sexual circumstance. While getting it on, "Endorphins are produced in the brain and make you feel happy -- almost giddy." My pharmacist has just lost his job.

* FIRST AID - Apparently, "During intercourse, two chemicals are released in the body: endorphins and oxytocin; together, they act as a powerful opiate. Studies have shown that sex increases your pain threshold for [ailments such as] migraines and even menstrual cramps." My recreational drug dealer has just lost his job.

* BIG CHILL - Having the big one can help rid the signs of stress. "Sex can help lower your blood pressure when you're reacting to stressful situations." Perfect - I no longer need to go to National Chain Bookseller to get that book on coping skills and my therapist has now lost his job.

* FOREVER YOUNG - Perhaps most importantly of all, having sex can reduce the ugly signs of aging. According to a study, "couples who had sex at least three times a week looked at least 10 years younger than those who had sex twice a week." My plastic surgeon has just lost his job.

Let's get it on!

RoboSex

What happens when 4 friends get together for a girls night in? Besides endless discussions on varying topics such as work, fashion, dating, vacations, how to be the most fabulous recessionista of ‘09 and, obviously, the odd bitchfest rant, sometimes we come up with business ideas. A couple of weeks ago, the girls and I came up with an idea that might make us our millions.

Now, this is a niche market idea. We understand that there is a demand for this type of service in the marketplace, and we are trying to enhance what is already available. I should also say that this idea originated with the aid of the following:

1 bottle of wine
1 bottle of champagne
1 mickey of dark rum
½ a bottle of Tanqueray
1 incredibly potent marijuana cigarette

Our idea is to improve the lives of the sexually frustrated. I (grudgingly) consider myself to be an expert on this topic. I live with this sense of frustration most of the time. I might be dangerously close to reaching the stage in dating that results in sexual apathy, but I’m not quite there yet. One of my friends, who was INCREDIBLY open with us, showed us the tool that she’s been using to avoid sexual frustration. She is not my only friend who uses this tool and, of my friends that do, they are ALL happy with it. What is this miracle cure to the sad symptom of singledom that is sexual frustration? It is our friend, the Rampant Rabbit.

A few of my closest friends rely on RR quite often. They have told sad stories of forgetting to change the batteries and the bitter disappointment when one realizes that one's stock of AA’s has been depleted. I have not discussed the limitations of the RR with all the girls, as they are vehement supporters and don’t like to hear my opinions on the topic, as I’m a hater (I refuse to give into RoboSex - I remain foolishly optimistic that I might one day be in a relationship that lasts long enough for me to enjoy regular sex). My INCREDIBLY open friend explained that she is not a fan of the buzzing sound that occurs when the RR is doing its job. Not so romantic. Perhaps some people would disagree, as a whirring buzz might turn into white noise and, in some cases, is better than having to listen to insulting dirty talk. We have an idea to remedy this:

The Talking Vibrator

That’s right! Our Romantic Rampant Rabbit will have sound effects to enhance the experience for women. We are keeping this exclusively for women, as we’re not sure how/if gay men are able to use the RR based on dexterity. We feel there could be 3 sound effect options:

* The loving, complimentary, gently murmured and romantic words of Silicon Sully

* The tender moans of Silicon Sully complete with well-timed climax where you just know, if he was real, he’d be looking into your eyes

* The unromantic grunts and moans that some women have come to expect in a standard 2-minute session, however it would be played on repeat for the length of time it takes for US to finish

As this is just the beginning phases of our startup business, we would appreciate any and all feedback. And, we implore you, as we are busy and have not had time to trademark or register this fabulous initiative, please don’t steal our idea!

Oh, Joy!

It has come to my attention that The Joy of Sex, the guide to lovemaking that has been cherished by adults and coveted by horny little high schoolers for 30 years, has been updated. Although some things have not changed, such as the book's exclusive focus on heterosexuality, there are some updates to sex that I found quite amusing, as follows:

* Having sex in a moving vehicle is now illegal

* Having sex on a horse is now illegal (how, HOW did they find out???)

* Hairy is in and a neat, clean-shaven aesthetic is out (according to the author, "shaving is simply ignorant vandalism")

* The (unshaven) armpit is the new erogenous zone

* There has been a noticeable increase in the rise of serial seducers and pick-up artists in North America (I could have contributed to the writing of this book...)

* Both women AND MEN form emotional attachments to sex partners very quickly (this could become a HUGELY controversial topic)

I write a lot about internet dating and this book has devoted much attention to the modern phenomenon of internet sex. Online dating, porn and downloaded sex tapes aside, there is a new aspect to internet sex, called Teledildonics. The book describes teledildonics as "the long-distance use of a sex toy controlled from afar." Wow. It goes on to say that "it is possible to not only plug a sex toy into your computer and have your lover operate it from afar, but also there are MP3 players that double as vibrators." Thanks for that info - I've been looking at my iPod as nothing but an aural toy for years - this could be big for me!

Six

How soon is too soon???
It's not very often that I date someone I like enough to get down to business. In reality, it's just not very often that I date someone I like. So when I do date someone who I'd like to make it work with, it's always a dilemma which requires much feedback from others. Seriously, how many dates (on average) should one wait?
It is pretty well decided that sleeping with someone on a first date is not good (not to say it's not GOOD, it could be very GOOD indeed, but it doesn't seem to send the right message). The first three dates seem to be sex write-offs, but after that it's a free for all of opinions and experiences.
It becomes a complicated situation indeed - as complicated as a military strategy which requires careful planning, cunning and troubleshooting. I feel the need to pick the perfect amount of dates in order to avoid disaster. I don't want to come off as a prude, so I don't want to wait TOO long, but I do want to come across as serious and interested. I would like to be considered the kind of girl you could take home to mom... So, how many dates does this take? Some people measure this in weeks or months and not dates. This is an interesting approach, but if one was to be going on an average of 2 dates per week, 8 dates could have been had in one month, which is A LOT of dates compared to people dating on a once-a-week type schedule.
I've read Madonna's SEX book, which is very insightful in the free-love, experimental, woman of lesser virtue, oh-my-god-how-many-people(of different genders)-can-you-get-off-with-in-one-eveing kind of way.
There is a great website on dating tips (www.topdatingtips.com) that resonates more to wholesome and excessively proper people like me. I see how going for it too soon can make one come across as "easy", however sex is an important part of a relationship and if it's not going to work, it's better to find that out early and move on.
Three dates or fewer is too few. Four to five dates seems early but more reasonable. I'm thinking of a better number here - the number six. Not only does it rhyme with sex, making it both straightforward and a mnemonic device, but also, it's a great compromise between the numbers 1 (hooker) and 10 (frigid bitch).