Tuesday, October 12, 2010

Today's Funny

He said to me... I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. I said to him... You wear pants don't you?

He said to me... Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
I said ... That's a good idea - you stand by the stove & sink while I sit on the sofa and do nothing but fart

He said to me... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
I said to him... Turn sideways and look in the mirror!

He said to me... Why don't women blink during foreplay?
I said to him... They don't have time.

He said to me... How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I said to him... I don't know; it has never happened.

He said to me... Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good- looking? I said to him... They already have boyfriends.

He said...What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
I said... A widow.

He said to me... Why are married women heavier than single women?
I said to him ... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Monday, October 11, 2010

15 Jobs With The Highest Divorce Rate

Yowza. This info is brought to us by the relationship researchers at Cosmopolitan Magazine, so we know it's legit. Amazingly, Hollywood actors, Grammy winners and pro golfers are not on the list. Here are the occupations of people that are most likely to become divorcees:

* Maids and Housekeepers ~ I guess they're so sick of picking up other peoples' sh*t, they can't be bothered to do it for someone else at home. Fair enough.
* Roofers ~ A job that allows them to see what goes on under everyone else's rooves. Perhaps the grass really is greener...
* Waiters ~ They sure get to meet lots of hotties who are out for a night on the town... Did Bartenders make the list???
* Telemarketers ~ Well, they are the most annoying people ever.
* Baggage Porters and Concierges ~ Can't they be faithful? I thought their opportunities for infidelity only happened in movies.
* Entertainers and Performers, Sports and related workers ~ I think that's just a general list of ALL ENTERTAINERS. Forget what I just said above. They'll all move on.
* Nursing, Psychiatric and Home Health Aides ~ Why? Because their jobs suck and you'll tire of hearing about it.
* Telephone Operators ~ Seriously???!!! I didn't know that job still exists! Perhaps, because no one calls them any more, they've become socially awkward...
* Factory Workers: Food and Tobacco ~ Perhaps being surrounded by nosh and smokes all day long creates a hedonistic environment that leads to cheating and, therefore, divorce?!
* Gaming Service Worker ~ Wait a minute - I thought they were lucky to find even one woman?!
* Extruding Machine Operators ~ Doe this refer to all men???!!!
* Gaming Cage Worker ~ Does anyone know what this is?
* Massage Therapists ~ Fair enough. Everyone wants a piece of that action.
* Bartenders ~ Finally! Refer to what I said under "Waiter" and multiply it by 1,000.
* Dancers and Choreographers ~ Sexy partners. Sexy moves.. Sexy costumes... Super sexy choreography.... Dirty dancing and divorce go together like Waiters and divorce; Like Gamers and divorce; Like Bartenders and divorce; Like...yeesh!

Sunday, October 3, 2010

Sick Sex

Yeah. I mean, really… I’ve been approached for sex when I’ve had colds, flus, wicked PMS, just after hand surgery, just after butt surgery… I’ve had broken ankle sex (btw – that wasn’t comfortable), torn rotator cuff sex and, worst of all, the romp while brutally bloated. Yeah.

I’ve never been in a relationship where sexual attraction waned, which I’m very happy about. Always, on some level, there is a high degree of desire that I believe is key in sustaining a long term relationship. However, how much is too much? Where do you draw the line between keeping it fresh and f*cking a freak?? How sick is too sick???

Last weekend, I got sick. I joked with G Spot about sick sex , which was no deterrent. He was eager to get it on. Really???!!! I was blowing my nose all over the place and, believe me, it was not hot. If G Spot had been coughing and blowing his way around the room, I wouldn’t have been game. What is sexy about a woman who’s sweating, sputtering and forming a dependent relationship with a box of tissues? Even though I was wearing a thong, the look just wasn’t happening…

I’ve been highly educated on the virtues of sex and how it improves health. According to all my boyfriends, both past and present, the list of pros goes on and on. And on. The Alcoholic Workaholic liked to tell me that cum is high in protein. Emotional F*ckwit ’08 tried to tell me that trace amounts of vital nutrients could be found in his spunk. G Spot believes firmly in the healing power of his mad sex. Perhaps he’s right – I usually do feel better afterwards. But sometimes, guys, please… Mildly sick sex can definitely have benefits, but super sick sex is so unsightly!