Sunday, May 24, 2009

50 first dates

Having trouble getting to the second date stage? This has never been a problem for me - I guess I’m just that irresistible (to masochists???!!!)…… However, there are some people out there who are experiencing difficulties in reaching that stage. What is going on? What is the major malfunction?? My friends at eHarmony, who continue to harass me with unsolicited emails on a biweekly basis, have come identified 5 bad habits that tank first dates:

* Don’t monopolize the conversation – Sorry, you’re just not that interesting… It’s great to have non-stop conversation on first dates (lulls can be so awkward when you’re chatting with someone new), however it should not be all about yourself. No matter how interesting you think you are, try to encourage your date to share some info about themselves. Trust me - I’ve been on dates with men who talk about themselves incessantly and, although it may be amusing for the first 2 minutes, start to imagine a lifetime of it………

* Don’t overshare – Guilty as charged. I am an open book and must always resist the urge to share everything with everyone. While it’s good to be open, it’s not good to be an open-heart surgery.

* Don’t try to be someone you’re not – I’ve never understood this. How can one be someone that one is not??? I suppose, if one is an oscar-winning actor, one could pull off being someone else… Or, if one suffers from multiple personality disorder, one could potentially be many people that one is not, but for the rest of us……???!!!

* Don’t propose – Hell, no! Jesus – I think I had a massive coronary just reading that…

* Don’t ignore cues – This is the hardest work of all. Trying to pick up on the subtleties of a stranger is not easy. I prefer to look for more obvious signs, such as yawning (an obvious signal that he wants to get me into bed), looking at other women (an obvious sign that he wants a threesome), begging the waitress to bring the bill (an obvious sign that he wants a foursome) and constantly looking towards the exit sign (an obvious sign that he can’t wait to take us all out of there).

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Sex Boycott

I’ve never done this to anyone before – I swear!
I recently read an article about a poor, poor Kenyan man (we’ll call him Quityer Complainin), who is suing a group called G10 (not sure how they are able to have this name, as the G10 is more commonly known as a group of industrial countries who consult and cooperate on economic and financial matters, but I digress….). Apparently, this confusingly misnomered G10 group (a coalition of women’s groups) appealed to Kenyan women to boycott sex in order to push the men into resolving political issues. Let me make one thing clear to the G10 for future reference: If you want something done by a man, don’t cut off the sex. Don’t do it. If you want something done, use sex as a reward. It’s positive reinforcement at it’s finest – whatever Pavlov’s dogs did for food, men will do for booty. Is that clear???!!!

Anyhoo, back to the horrifying ordeal that Quityer Complainin was forced to suffer through. His awful, awful wife banned him from sex for 7 days. 7 days. That’s right, 7 days. I’ve had dry spells that have lasted more than 7 months, but whatever, this is not about me....... Quityer Complainin is suing the G10 for unbearable suffering that included:

* Mental anguish (this story is causing me mental anguish)
* Stress
* Backaches
* Lack of concentration
* Anxiety
* Sleepless nights

The organizers of the sex strike claimed that it was a success. I’m not sure how that could be, as the political strife remains… The Kenyan president and his rival held brief talks and cabinet meetings during the boycott, which seems to have satisfied the na├»ve G10. What might have happened during these closed door talks and meetings? What were they really doing behind closed doors?? Probably watching the latest Kenyan porn flicks, wanking and then coming out with smiles like the joker on their faces, making the press believe that they’d made progress in their 'relations', but I’m just sayin’…..

Sunday, May 10, 2009

1,000 Guys...

… reveal what they really thought about you after your date……. It’s like a train wreck – you kind of don’t want to know, but you REALLY, REALLY have to know. In my favourite new book (which I haven’t read yet…), titled ‘Why He Didn’t Call You Back’, the author, Rachel Greenwald, summarizes the feedback of ONE THOUSAND dates from a male perspective. Yep, train wreck.

I recently saw the author on a morning show and was interested in her feedback. She didn’t strike me as the kind of serial singleton that I have come to know and love, she was more mumsy, which causes me to question her experience as a desperately dating tragic spinster. She looked like a wife and mother, but I’ll delve into her questionable qualifications in my own time to satisfy my skepticism… She claims to be a relationship coach AND to have an MBA from Harvard, so let’s see what she had to say:

* Don’t Conduct An Interview – Greenwald warns against conducting dates like interviews. I have to object here – every date that I’ve conducted like an interview, and there have been many, has turned out very well. To all singletons, I emplore you to conduct a Spanish inquisition and grill them for all the info you can get. Knowledge is power.

* Don’t Be The Boss Lady – Apparently, if a woman is on a date with a heterosexual man (hey, these days you never can tell…), he would prefer for her to be acquiescent and feminine. Therefore, she urges women not to show up on dates straight from work – the power persona coupled with a power suit can be intimidating for men and ends up being a turn off. Don’t talk about work, don’t show how demanding you can really be and, above all else, don’t take the lead. That’s right – apparently doing things like opening the door for him or, god forbid, hailing a cab, will send the wrong signal and will not encourage him to call again.

* Don’t Be a B*tch – Ahhhhhhh, common sense prevails. In case you were wondering, men do not find it alluring when you act like a vicious c*nt on a date.

Well, there you go – I’ve just saved you over 300 pages of reading and $28 plus shipping and handling.

FYI - I've done the research and I was right - Rachel Greenwald is a wife and mother (I can spot them a mile away) and earns a living as a relationship coach. I would have preferred it if she was single (is just so much more organic), but her research reveals helpful hints whether she is Sally Spinster or Sally Housecoat.

Sunday, May 3, 2009

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

… because I’m getting another year deeper into my dirty thirties and I’m not enthused. May is my birthday month, and I love it for the green grass, leafy trees, blooming flowers and mild temperatures. However, I hate it for the fact that I will turn another year older.

I’ve had a problem with getting older for many years now. No matter how hard I have tried, I have been unable to stop the aging process. I think that getting older (or, should I say, becoming less young???) is a contentious subject for me as I have been single for a long time and with every passing year, gravity takes it’s toll and makes those 20-something girls look better and better to men my age.

Another factor that is making this birthday difficult is that this might be my Bridget birthday. What is the significance of that, you ask? I believe that I am turning the age that Bridget Jones was in the first revolutionary novel. This scares me a bit. I love Bridge, but my god – I think it’s going to take a lot of cigarettes and alcohol units to get through this one.

In order to combat the dreadful process of becoming less (and less, and less…) young, I do my best to exercise, eat well and get enough rest. Gravity, however, has taken a toll on my body and with each passing year, I lament as I notice changes to the landscape – imperfections, if you will - that don’t help my self esteem. Thankfully, I’ve found a fella who finds these imperfections to be perfectly imperfect. Still, I have my esteem issues (my esteem issues and I have had a long, long relationship). What are these irritating imperfections? Well, I am willing to share with you that:

* My ass is trying to make friends with my ankles

* My breasts are trying to move in with my armpits

* My skin is perfecting it’s impression of an orange peel

* My hair, in keeping with current fashion trends, has decided that grey is the new brown