Sunday, September 25, 2011

Dating Etiquette 102

Now that I am fully back in the dating game, I feel it is time to publish another set of rules as they apply to dating. In my previous post, Dating Etiquette 101, I addressed many of the major offences that I was experiencing. Now, I am pointing out the strange new methods that men are trying to use. Dudes, please take note of the following and try to correct your bad behaviour:

Online Dating Tips for Men (Take Two):

* When introducing yourself, please refrain from using opening lines such as "Whoa...", "Ho-LY" or "Hot Stuff!" A much more effective and less offensive introduction might be: "Hello, How are you", "Hi, Are you having a nice evening?" or "Good Evening, I would like to let you know that I am a normal, mature, confident and emotionally available man..."

* After introducing yourself, please do not offer to kiss the inside of my thighs. Yes, this happened a couple of weeks ago. Do I want my thighs kissed? Yes. Do you want to kiss them? Obviously. The only body part that will result in being kissed by this kind of come-on will be my ass.

* One of my sexy singleton pals helped me to figure out why some men don't use a profile picture, but then contact you and send you 'backstage' photos. Why is this? Because they are married. Again, as addressed in the previous post, if you are married, you should NOT be on a dating website. Not to despair, however, as Ashley Madison exists exclusively for you. Their tagline is: "Life is short. Have an affair." Go for it, you miserable marrieds!

* Once dating has begun, let's try not to rely on texting as the main method of communication. I'm not saying that we need to be on the phone all the time - communication can be mixed up through phone calls, texts and emails. Texts only? Snippets and emoticons can only express so much and leave much to be decoded. Try talking - I swear, it works.

* If you look like a serial killer in your profile picture, and/if you actually are a serial killer, please don't contact me. I am done with psycho killers!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

The Luck Of The Irish

Oh yes, Liam was a lucky man last night...
Out for drinks and dancing with the girls at an Irish bar, I was hit on by Liam, a carousing, cartoonish character who must have woken up this morning with one hell of a hurting hangover!
Liam is not my type. I am not into old guys. I am not into drunk guys. I am not into having the same introductory conversation over and over again because someone is so loaded that they can't remember what you just said...
Once my late mates arrived, I was able to extricate myself from Liam's lecherous presence. He did a jig over to our table a couple of times, asking if he could buy us drinks. The answer? No, thanks! I knew that if we allowed him to buy a round, we wouldn't be able to get rid of him.
The mistake I made that evening? When he asked for my phone number, I blanked and, not knowing how to tactfully decline, I timidly divulged my digits. Why? Because I am a wimp. How do you politely deny giving someone your phone number? I've never been good at that. I feel badly for them. I'm too empathetic. However, it is pathetic to not be able to stand up for oneself and say the right thing. So, what is the right thing to say? Are we to lie ("Sorry, I have a boyfriend.", "Oh, I'm due back at the mental institution first thing tomorrow morning.." or "Unfortunately, I flushed my phone down the toilet earlier...")? Are we to give the wrong phone number (or, the right number to someone who has wronged us in the past?!)? Sounds like bad karma to me...
Lucky Liam sure found the pot of gold. I'll let you know how our drunken date goes. Cheers!

Sunday, September 4, 2011

What Guys Really Think: 10 Traits That Make Him Cringe

Are they or aren't they? Picky, that is. Mostly, men seem to be thought of as being far less choosy than their female counterparts, however new research suggests that dudes really do care more than we think. According to relationship researcher Jane Hoskyn, there are 10 traits that turn men off. Take note of the following success saboteurs:
1. Wearing Too Much Makeup - One of the reasons that I am not currently a lesbian (having given it much thought recently) is that I cannot picture myself making out with someone who's wearing makeup. A little bit of lip gloss and eyeshadow? Fabulous. A smokey eye, thick mascara, buckets of blush and lashings of lippy? Forget it.
2. Playing Hard To Get - Playing coy? Cute. Playing as hard to capture as a slipper koi fish? So common and cliche.
3. Being On A Diet - Being fit and fabulous? Sexy. Being fragile, feeble and faint? Not so spicy.
4. Curvalicious Clothes - Got a bangin' bod? Wear clothes that flatter your figure and make him want to see more of your curves. Got a barely clad butt? Wear trainers so that you can chase him as he runs away.
5. Being One Of The Boys - Burping, farting and football? No, no and no.
6. Inflated Boobs - Big, small, pushed up, pressed down, round, oblong or zeppelin-like? No problem. Got ghoulish, ghastly globes? Not interested.
7. Fake Tan - Have you seen Jersey Shore? 'Nuff said.
8. Shyness - Confidence is the new cute. Arrogance is the new cue to leave.
9. Being An Anti-Career Girl - Got a great job? Your enthusiasm will be infectious. Got a horrible job you hate? Your lack of enthusiasm will be like an infectious disease.
10. Letting Him Do All The Talking - What makes you interesting? Your fabulous job, friends, family and joie de vivre. What makes him interesting? The fact that he's chosen you!