Jilted

Dictionary.com defines the term 'jilted' as follows : "to reject or cast aside (a lover or sweetheart), especially abruptly or unfeelingly." Yep, that sounds like the right definition to me.
What a week it has been. G Spot, my former lover, gave up on our relationship earlier this week. There were too many factors that contriubuted to the end of the relationship to mention here. Unfortunately, most of them were blown out of proportion by fear and anxiety. It is especially unpleasant, given that there was no lack of love, caring and passion in the relationship. It is hard to make sense of it ending when all of those aspects were present. However, this is the card that I have been dealt, and I must carry on.
I never expected that G Spot would hurt me like this. He seemed so caring. I had felt that this was the true love experience that I had been looking for all my life. It wasn't.
I was so upset and felt so alone that first day. My friends and family have rallied around me and shown me that I am not alone. Now I know I do not need to worry about losing love, as I have found more in the past few days than I ever dreamed possible. I want to thank everyone who has come over to sit with me, bring me wine at night, bring me coffee in the morning, bring my favourite flowers and bring me back up. I am so grateful to you all. Now, my tears are those of gratitude.
Did I ever expect this to happen? No. Do I feel that I will get through this and go on to one day find my true love? I do.

Living In Sin

That's right. G Spot and I, two sinners, are living together before marriage. In a church. God would be so unimpressed. Heh!
The big move happened last week. We have now been living harmoniously in our church conversion condo and it's been a lot different than I ever expected. I have droned on about my fear of living with a man for many, many years. The longer I put it off, the scarier it got. Finally, it became a big, scary monster hiding under the bed. I worried about everything: Would our sex life be ruined? Would we start annoying each other? Would his lack of ability to change the loo roll drive me insane? Would we start fighting over when a lightbulb would be changed? Would we start to hate each other?
I guess I figured that would happen sooner rather than later. However, we took the time to trouble-shoot the scenario. We entered into this arrangement with both our needs as top priorities. We are both private people and we appreciate space. We both have activities that we enjoy doing apart from the relationship that we do not want to give up. We both enjoy our sex life and do not want to f*ck that up. So, what did we do? We decided before moving in to repect each other's space. We respect each other's schedules. His quirks and habits are not annoying me yet, and he claims the same of mine. We had a few bulbs that needed to be changed, and it got done. And, most importantly of all, we are still having sex. Thank God!

He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not...

... He loves me, he loves me not. He loves me.

I am a romantic. The dictionary describes me as: being preoccupied with love or by the idealizing of love or one's beloved. Yep, that's me. The dictionary also describes me as: fanciful, impractical and unrealistic. Fair enough.

When I was a girl, which seems not so long ago, I never dreamed of my wedding. I never dreamed of the dress, the venue, the flowers or the ring. I used to dream of the relationship. I longed to meet and marry the man of my dreams. To find and hold onto true love. Seemed simple at the tme. Turned out to be the longest, hardest search of my life.

Finally, 2 years ago, I found my true love. A man different from any I had known before him and it changed everything. The love that grew, and continues to grow, makes me feel beautiful, desirable, important and supported all the time. Truly loved. Has it been as easy as I had thought a relationship between two lovers would be? No. Has it been a story book romance or a love story that looks like it does in the movies? No. Has it been the most rewarding experience of my life and worth the work? Absolutely.

This post is dedicated to my lover, G Spot. I nicknamed him G Spot for the purpose of this blog because, unlike other women perhaps, my G Spot is in my heart. And that's right where he got me. From the start. Being faced with the unlikely prospect of our relationship not working out (see previous post about related problems called 'Relationsh*ts'), was unfathomable. I would not operate at the same level if he were not around. Perhaps he wouldn't, either.

To all the fanciful, impractical and unrealistic sexy singletons out there, keep at it. As Bridget Jones, Carrie Bradshaw, Cleopatra, Scarlett O'Hara, Jerry Maguire, Adam & Eve and Elizabeth Taylor (?!) would say, Happy Valentines Day!

Moving. On.

Holy sh*t. Did I mention that G Spot and I bought a place together?? Did I mention that I moved? Did I mention that, therefore, G Spot and I will be moving in together??? In keeping with the theme of the past few months, which is change, we bought a fabulous condo together and will be moving in this Spring. Fortunately, for both our sakes, we don't have to move in together right away. Why is that? Well, it's because I was able to move in with my parents, good old Ward & June. Yep...

Moving out of my former bachelorette pad was painful. I had many good years there. I had many quiet evenings there. I prepared for many dates there. I came home and pondered the existence of useless men there. I brought useless men there. I cried over useless men there. I wrote all previous posts there. It's where G Spot and I had our first touchy feely makeout session. It's where we had s*x for the first time. It's where we exchanged Xmas gifts for the first time. It's where we fought for the first time (but not the last!). It's sad.

In true dating doyenne style, I've passed my love nest on to a savvy, young bachelor. Really, it's as it should be. I now have 6 months in which to prepare myself for cohabitation. I'm sure it will be fun to have a roommate. Maybe we'll have pillow fights, jump on the bed while listening to our fave songs, do arts and crafts... You know, things roommates do... Am I excited for this new phase of coupledom? Yes. Am I scared sh*tless about this phase simultaneously? Yes. Will I miss my former single life, where it was totally acceptable to come home from work, lounge around in ratty t's, watch ridiculous reality shows about dating, eat chocolate for dinner and drink right out of the container? Hell, yes!

Sick Sex

Yeah. I mean, really… I’ve been approached for sex when I’ve had colds, flus, wicked PMS, just after hand surgery, just after butt surgery… I’ve had broken ankle sex (btw – that wasn’t comfortable), torn rotator cuff sex and, worst of all, the romp while brutally bloated. Yeah.

I’ve never been in a relationship where sexual attraction waned, which I’m very happy about. Always, on some level, there is a high degree of desire that I believe is key in sustaining a long term relationship. However, how much is too much? Where do you draw the line between keeping it fresh and f*cking a freak?? How sick is too sick???

Last weekend, I got sick. I joked with G Spot about sick sex , which was no deterrent. He was eager to get it on. Really???!!! I was blowing my nose all over the place and, believe me, it was not hot. If G Spot had been coughing and blowing his way around the room, I wouldn’t have been game. What is sexy about a woman who’s sweating, sputtering and forming a dependent relationship with a box of tissues? Even though I was wearing a thong, the look just wasn’t happening…

I’ve been highly educated on the virtues of sex and how it improves health. According to all my boyfriends, both past and present, the list of pros goes on and on. And on. The Alcoholic Workaholic liked to tell me that cum is high in protein. Emotional F*ckwit ’08 tried to tell me that trace amounts of vital nutrients could be found in his spunk. G Spot believes firmly in the healing power of his mad sex. Perhaps he’s right – I usually do feel better afterwards. But sometimes, guys, please… Mildly sick sex can definitely have benefits, but super sick sex is so unsightly!

In Sickness and in Health: Take 2

Take 2 to the emergency room, that is. At midnight. On date night. During a lovely dinner party hosted by a fabulous foodie and her merry mates. Let's just say that G Spot and I will not be entering our names into the draw for the Healthy Couples contest this year.

While at the hospital for the 2nd time in as many months (well, actually, it was my 3rd time in 2 months as I'd had my own problem, but I don't mean to brag...), I had time to think. A lot. The doctors were doctoring, the sick were sickening and I was overanalyzing. Whatever.

During the whole ordeal, and in between bouts of vomiting and wretching, G Spot felt badly that I wasn't enjoying my evening and urged me to go home and get some rest. Did he really think I would? I couldn't even imagine leaving him there alone. Gagging. Regurgitating. Unable to swallow water... What part of a happy couple (or an unhappy couple, for that matter) would willingly walk away? It's hard to walk out of a room when your heart is still in it.

Thankfully, all the heaving, hurling and spewing was worth it. Any further health disorder was averted and we were relased back into the night. Still, I wondered, are women more devoted in these circumstances than men? Would men go home to get some rest if their partner told them to? And would they actually be able to have a good sleep?? Would they even realize that if they leave their partner in the ER, there will be no nookie the next day???!!!

5 Items Not To Share With Your Man

Share and share alike? Nope. I was raised to play nice and share my toys with others, which I believe has served me well. Till now. I share a lot with my man. A lot. According to an online article by sharing scroodge Leigh Doyle, below are 5 icky items that we are not to be dishing out and then taking back:

* Towels: Why? Thankfully, I have enough spare towels that G Spot has his own shower rag. Apparently, towels are breeding grounds for bacteria (ewwww) and if, let's say, your amour has athletes foot, you could end up spreading the infection all over your body if you use the same towel. Total mood killer.
* Hairbrushes: Again, we don't fall into this trap. If G Spot put a brush near his hair, his afro wouldn't fit in my cute condo. This was unexpected, but besides avoiding lice (who here is dating a kindergartner???), not sharing a brush helps to avoid the spread of... ringworm. Who were the respondents in this survey???!!!
* Toothbrushes: Guilty. I have a long list of lovers with whom I've shared toothbrushes. For f*ck's sake, when you're exchanging all kinds of fluids orally with a lover, what's a toothbrush going to bring to the table that would be more offensive? Well, you can pass on bacteria, cold sores (so unsexy) and viruses.
* Nail Clippers: Never experienced this one. This really grosses me out. Everyone should have to have mani's and pedi's. Why is this gross? Because you could inherit fungus, bacteria, viruses or staph. I'm barfing.
* Razors: I wax.

Everyone wants to marry their g spot...

... only I get to!!! Yep - I love my g spot so much I’m going to marry it…
… No, really, I’m going to marry my G Spot!!!

This is a very exciting development in the long and drawn out love life of Carrie Blogshaw. Finally, after years (and years, and years…) of dating emotional f*ckwits, alcoholics, workaholics and megalomaniacs, I will marry my Mr. Blog.

My relationship with G Spot has been the most rewarding and positive experience that I’ve had. And I’ve had lots. Yes, the thought of a lifelong commitment was previously scary, but now it feels right. I should be so lucky to spend my time (yes, all of it… the good, the bad and the ugly…) with someone this fabulous. What’s to fear?

Now, I have to start planning the wedding. This must be taken seriously, as people don’t get to marry their g spots every day and I’m sure everyone will want the very best. In the true theme of marrying a g spot, I’ll try to choose a venue that’s truly storied and rough around the edges. It will have to be hard to find, but when we get there, it’ll be soooo worth it!

In Sickness And In Health

Trust me, I don’t take good health for granted. I am in awe of people who never get sick. I tend to get every virus going, along with a host of many other (often unspeakable) ailments. My lover, the intensely immune G Spot, never gets sick. In the year and half that we’ve been together, he’s been forced to listen to me hack like an iron-lunged smoker, blow my nose like a heavy-using coke head and experience nausea that forced us to leave a restaurant before getting to the meal. Ahhhhhhh, the romance of it all.

This week, in truly spectacular form, G Spot became ill. Instead of staying home and wallowing in his misery, he headed straight to the ER. He had to. I rushed to the hospital to be with him and had to wait an agonizing half hour before anyone would help me find him. Ahhhhhhh, the healthcare system.

Now, I didn’t need an emergency to make me realize how much I love my lover. I am always well aware. The panic that set in was new for me. I am a good worrier, but I usually worry only about troublesome things at hand (I’m not a doomsday worrier). This situation, however, made me panic about something going wrong. I hadn’t prepared for the worst. Given that G Spot was always well, I had never anticipated him being unwell. I was gripped with fear. Thankfully, it ended well and he is going to live!

We have certainly experienced the ugliness of sickness. Together, we have now endured intense nausea, vomiting, wretching, heaving, bile bags that runneth over, burst cysts, infected ingrowns, boob rashes (seriously…) and runny noses. Aren’t we glam???!!! In health, no problem. In sickness, pass the barf bag – I’m in it for the long heave, I mean, haul!

Sports, ballet and other relationship atrocities...

I had to watch World Cup football for my boyfriend today. When the request was first made, I was shocked and dismayed. However, I realized that I might have to ask G Spot, my FIFA-loving lover, to participate in something that he might not like at some point. As a result, we ended up at a bar watching the game with the most dedicated fans. At 9.30 in the morning. On a Sunday.

Now, I'm quite girly, so this was a big stretch for me. At any given time, I'd rather eat a bowl of my own hair than watch sports. I don't care for high stakes games, championships or Olympics. I sat there this morning, staring at the screen in the same just-saw-a-ufo expression that my mom had when I tried to teach her how to use the internet. Clueless.

My question is: are we supposed to try to care or are we just supposed to fake it? I will never care for sports and that's final. Of course, I want to support G Spot and if he's interested, I'll listen and watch. What if I was, say, a fan of romantic comedies... I think I would be okay if G Spot pretended to care a bit and let me watch a dvd or two. I would appreciate it if he would go to the theatre with me, but I don't think I'd expect it often - why torture someone knowingly (unless they've really p*ssed you off...)?

Really, this morning taught me to both fake it and pretend to care. Because he cares, I care (a teeny bit). I will admit that it added a dimension to G Spot's persona, as I've never really seen him as a sporto until today. I also didn't know he had the capacity to drink that many alcoholic beverages before noon. So be it. Now that I've sat through a soccer match and survived, I'm sure G Spot will be eagerly anticipating the opera, ballet or Oprah that he will be forced to watch in the near future!

One of these things is not like the other...

… and isn’t that a good thing? Isn’t it also good that I resisted the urge to quote the lyrics to “Opposites Attract” as the title of this post?? Isn’t it too bad that I couldn’t resist using the picture of Paula Abdul and Scat Cat to get the point across??? What has become of me?!

This post is dedicated to my lover, G Spot, who seems to feel that we have more differences than similarities. I disagree. Yes, we are very different people, however I believe that the things we do have in common are important enough to outweigh our differences. Here are some of the things that we don’t have in common:

* Temperament – he’s calm, cool and collected. I’m a raging spitfire. So?
* Motivation – I walk my talk. He watches.
* Planning – In my opinion, there’s nothing like a solid five year plan. He's better with a five hour plan.
* Fighting – He fights fair. I’m a steamroller.

Below are things we do agree on:

* Long Term Goals – Yep, seems we both want the same things.
* Family – Agreed that both of ours are crazy. Agreed that we both still need the madzers in our lives.
* Career – Yes, it’s important. No, it’s not the most important.
* Politics – We both hate politicians equally.
* Religion – Agreed to disbelieve.

Seriously, people… How fun and exciting would relationships be if we were the same as each other? What would two people who are eerily alike ever learn from each other?? How could two people with the same strengths and weaknesses ever grow and challenge each other??? And, most importantly, how could 2 people who are exactly the same ever have knock down, drag out fights that end in passionate and orgasmic make-up sex???!!!

Yes, opposites attract. Yes, opposites can detract. The thing that seems to be the most important is that our differences should be complimentary. Where I am weak, G Spot is strong. I think this is a winning combination. Having two Carrie Blogshaws in a relationship, though it does sound fabulous, might be a bit much. Same with having two G Spots. Ummm, wait a minute...

10 Things You Can Never Say On A Date

According to the relationship-relevant researchers at TremendousNews.com, there are 10 things you should never say on a date. In hindsight, and I'm cringing as I write this, I see that it's a miracle that I'm still dating. Here goes:

1. "You remind me of my ex." ~ This is like going to a job interview and the boss says You remind me of exactly the type of person we fire. Yep. I compared my current lover, G Spot, to one of my former lovers, The Tortured Artist Who Runs Like a Girl. However, I made the comparison after we'd been dating for a while and I was comparing their looks and life experiences (similar). I would like to add that G Spot does not run like a girl. He is a very manly runner. Oh Gawd...

2. "You remind me of my dad." ~ Just say You’re never getting laid. OH GAWD.... I made this comparison last weekend!!! They are very similar... I haven't gotten laid since.

3. "Does this look infected to you?" ~ If it’s debatable, it’s not presentable. I did happen to point out a shoulder injury to both G Spot and Emotional Fuckwit '08 when I started seeing them. It was hard to hide, as I was limping around like the hunchback of Notre Dame. It was hot.

4. "I forgot to take my meds." ~ Anti-rapist pills? Diarrhea? When we wonder, we start with those. Okay, I have used this as an excuse not to stay the night...

5. "So I read on Google that you..." ~ We want to be courted, romanced, then creepily stalked. Don’t upset the order. Oh come on! Of course we should be googling each other. For the love of safety and security, let this one go!!!

6. "You're late. Are you screwing someone else?" ~ Yes! Let’s keep it short, I’m late for another screwing appointment. No one's ever been late for a date with Carrie Blogshaw.

7. "You don't watch that 'To Catch a Predator' show, do you?" ~ Be proud. It’s network TV. I watch it. I ask. I'm still dating.

8. "I have the worst hemmorhoid." ~ You can compare this one to others? Think of what the future will bring. Come on, people. COME. ON.

9. "I only brought enough money for what I got." ~ Nothing’s hotter than poorness. Please. I always bring enough money for 2 cups of tea...


10. "I've already sent you a friend request on Facebook." ~ So you can’t ever, ever leave me. So I have a big social network.... SO???!!!

Dating Tips: 9 Things Happy Couples Talk About

According to a recent study published in Psychological Science (and reported by Yahoo.com - click on above link), there are 9 conversation topics that separate happy couples from bitter, warring couples. This is a relief, because G Spot and I actually talk about more than just 9 things and most of our exchanges are positive! The 9 comely convos are:

1. Embarrassing Moments I am happy to report that G Spot and I are able to discuss our embarrassing moments. Well, perhaps we spend a bit more time talking about my embarrassing episodes than his... I've told him about the ridiculous things I did in high school, the idiot moments of my early twenties, the idiot moments of my early thirties, the idiot moments of last week.....

2. Political Viewpoints Yes, we can talk about politics, but it isn't pretty... G Spot is more liberal and much more of a bleeding heart than I am. It may not be easy or without debate when we talk politics, but we can talk politics (just don't get us started on religion)...

3. Fears and Insecurities Yep, we talk about this, too. It turns out that we both have fears and insecurities. I'm finding this out now, because I never really bothered talking to boyfriends about this kind of stuff in the past. I didn't want to seem weak, and I suspect they didn't, either. So, instead of appearing weak, the relationships were weak and didn't last. Interesting...

4. Childhood G Spot has heard the stories and seen the pictures (I can't help it - I was so cute!!!). I know about his ninja, skateboarding and Wall Street phases and he knows about my skating, skateboarding and drunk-grunge-party girl phases and we're still together.

5. Past Relationships Yeah, this part's really no fun, but it has to be done. We are both aware of where we've been and who we've done. I do believe it's important to discuss the past in order to shed insight into how our experiences have shaped who we are in our current relationship. I have found that analyzing my past has enabled me to identify what is important to me now and, also importantly, what is not.

6. Family Life My family is crazy. His family is crazy. End of conversation.

7. Current Events He reads. I watch TMZ. He enlightens me on international goings on and I update him on the state of Brangelina's marriage, the Sandra and Jesse affair and the fact that Lindsay Lohan was spotted with white powder on her shoes... And he still loves me.

8. TV and Movies As mentioned above, the talking about the TV is my territory. In turn, he tells me about all the movies and documentaries he has seen, as that is more his scene. See? Yin and Yang.

9. The Future Yes, we've discussed it. We've pondered, questioned, trouble-shooted and forecasted. It's tricky territory and not for the faint-hearted, but neither are relationships!

Out of sight, out of mind?

Nope! Look at us grow! Yep, my worldly lover, G Spot and I took a mini break together to the beautiful, exciting, expensive and expansive city of New York. The trip involved a lot of careful planning and itinerary-arranging on my part (apparently this is an area of great challenge for most men...), but it was well worth it. Knowing that we can travel together without incident (or insolence) is a nice lesson learned. Phew!

After our successful city tour, I continued on to a week long vacay with Ward and June at Shady Pines in Sunny Southern State. It was a fabulous and much needed vacation, especially considering the copious amount of careful planning and itinerary-arranging that I had been up to for weeks before... Now, G Spot and I have been separated by vacations before, but this time was really tough. After a few days of soaking up the sun by the pool and checking out the sad state of silver foxes driving bright red, convertible Mercedes while checking out their neighbours daughters (ew!), the pangs of absence became pronounced. Things worsened throughout the remainder of the trip. By the last day, although the thought of having to leave to go back to real life was dissatisfactory the thought of not being able to connect with my G Spot for another day (I know, I know!!!), was too much to bear.

Contrary to many of my past dating experiences, I was actually looking forward to seeing G Spot when I returned. We had a nice reunion at the really romantic airport terminal (where I was sweating like a whore at customs trying to smuggle all my vacay loot into Cosmopolitan City) and great sex afterwards, proving that not only does absence make the heart grow fonder, but abstinence makes the heart grow fonder, too!

Happy Valentines Day

Can you believe it? I am in shock. I have just spent a romantic and intimate Valentines weekend with my fabulous lover, G Spot, for the 2nd year in a row. Wow! My typical "I Hate Valentines Day" party was cancelled yet again this year because I now like Valentines Day. Having spent so very many V Days frustrated and alone, it's still strange for me to enjoy it and especially with the same man as last year!

Being in the luvved up phase of a relationship is so great. However, I am careful not to sound too annoying to my single friends. One of my freakin' funniest spinster friends (what's the male equivalent to spinster??? oh yeah, eligible bachelor.....) recently coined the terms "Couples Appreciation Day" and "Singles Awareness Day", which I find highly amusing and highly descriptive. Having sulkily and reluctantly celebrated Singles Awareness Day for many, many years, I am very happy to be among the ranks of Couples Appreciation Day. I am relieved. I am grateful. I am smug.

I appreciate my relationship very much and have taken the time to stop and smell the roses. I appreciate the time we spend together (all of it). I appreciate the sex (all of it). I appreciate the mornings when I can snuggle into his nook (one of my favourite things in life). I appreciate the way he teases me about my various peculiarities and quirks. I appreciate the time we spend talking and laughing (laughing at my various peculiarities and quirks). I appreciate his kind, thoughtful and gentle nature - so different from what I had become used to. Seriously - single or coupled up, everyone should take the time to appreciate their G Spot today!

Shades of Grey

There is no easy way to say this. There was no easy way to discover this. Thank the lord I'm in therapy already (and I'm sure my therapist will love hearing about this one)... Well, here goes..... I found a grey hair on my bikini line this afternoon. Wow. I was horrified. I was in disbelief - was it possible that I'm growing blonde hairs down there???!!! I screamed a little bit. I cried a little bit. I barfed a little bit.

Today's discovery led me right back to the episode of Sex and the City when Samantha found a grey hair in the full bush that she had grown for Smith. She was devastated. At the time, I thought the episode was hilarious - definitely one of my faves. Her reaction was priceless and my friends and I laughed and laughed. Now, I am devastated and can totally empathize with Samantha. Who's laughing now???!!!

Samantha was afraid to pluck, in case 4 grow back in it's place. She tried colouring her pubes, which didn't work out... What to do? Like her, I am afraid to pluck, as I don't want 4 more grey bastards down there. I don't want to do highlights (in an effort for the carpet to match the curtains) and I don't want to go bald. What will G Spot think? Should I keep quiet and wait till he notices it?? Should I put a long, grey streak in my hair like What Not To Wear's Stacey London and pretend that it's stylish??? For the love of good genes, even my mother, the follicly fertile June Cleaver-Blogshaw, doesn't have grey pubes.... Perhaps I should move into a retirement villa to make the experience more authentic???!!! There is no shade of grey here - this is a black or white situation where grey is not an option. Yeesh!

Welcome To The Vajungle

Today’s word is vajungle - a term coined by one of G Spot’s witty mates. It is by far the best and funniest new word I’ve learned since I heard the term 'cankles' a couple of years ago (continues to crack me up!). Having been single for many, many years, I’ve had to keep up with the changing trends of manicuring as they pertain to my bikini line. Please see below for a chronological list of bikini line trends from my high school years to the present day:

* the full bush: demonstrated by Samantha Jones (as requested by Smith Jerrod) on SATC
* shaving: the ultimate indignity (stubble – yeesh!)
* the regular bikini wax: my personal favourite
* shaping: such as a heart for V-day or something equally as ridiculous…
* the “Telly Savalas” or “Hollywood” bald aesthetic: never appealed to me as I don’t date pedophiles…
* the Brazilian: can't do it - I'm half Italian....

I’m pretty pleased with the current landscape of my bikini line. Having recently seen a naked woman at the gym who appeared to be my age and had an incredibly hairy bikini line, I needed to check with G Spot to inquire if men’s preferences were reverting back towards a 1970’s aesthetic. This is when G Spot advised me of the vajungle. He and his friends have obviously discussed the aesthetics of the vajungle at length (literally!), and it seems that they would prefer not to weed-whack during foreplay. Fair enough.

Relieved to learn that I’m not considered to have a vajungle, I started to think of how much time I spend trimming, waxing and simply considering my bikini line. There have been times in the past where I have waxed for my own comfort, but let me tell you – when you aren’t having sex, waxing seems as unpleasant and unwelcome as a visit from Jehovah's Witnesses at your door on a Sunday morning (or any morning, come to think...). It’s so unfair - G Spot only has to shower before he comes over. Me? I have to trim, wax and pluck before I can f*ck!

"G Spot, baby...

... left a bracelet under the tree for me. Left a gorgeous scarf too, so G Spot baby, surely did get lucky that night..."

I'm happy to report that we survived our first Christmas gift-giving extravaganza. It was a success. I love the bracelet that he gave me, particularly so because he actually listened to me one day long, long ago when we were shopping together and I admired it. How thoughtful! He seemed pleased with his gifts too, which is both a pleasure and a relief. As expected, he liked the techy toy and the underthings but not nearly as much as he loved the leather fetish suit!

Isn't it fabulous when your little brother gets engaged......

before you do???!!!...... This is supposed to be a happy time and I am genuinely pleased for my brother, the annoying yet endearing Beavis Blogshaw, and his fiancee. They are both lovely people and they seem to have a good thing going. Good for them! How does this story relate to me? The way he broke the news. So, what should have been a time of celebration and excitement became a time of pressure and insecurity. It went like this:

Beavis: "Hey Carrie, are you sitting down?"
Carrie: "No - I'm at work and we're not encouraged to engage in comforting behaviour..."
Beavis: "Sit down"
Carrie: "What's up?"
Beavis: "Now...... I don't want you to feel any pressure, but your little brother just got engaged!"

Yeah, okay! I wasn't feeling any pressure until I was told NOT TO FEEL ANY PRESSURE..... WTF???!!! I was expecting this news - I had encouraged Beav to pop the question over the holidays and I knew he'd been looking at rings, but I wasn't prepared for the tables to be turned on me. Afterwards, I spoke to my mother. Needless to say, things worsened from there... The convo with our family matriarch, the highly annoying woman who continually beats me with a pressure stick, June Cleaver Blogshaw, went something like this:

June Cleaver Blogshaw: "Did you hear the news? Isn't it exciting?? I have to go put on some lipstick!!!"
Carrie: ???!!!
June Cleaver Blogshaw: "I'm going for lunch with the girls on Friday and I can't wait to tell them the exciting news that Beavis is engaged!!! And then they'll all wonder - what about Carrie???"
Carrie: at this point I was choking back tears and had to end the conversation. I cried all the way to the gym, where I then used my anger to obliterate invisible opponents in my combat class.......

What about Carrie? Well, here's the deal. I am aware of the natural/birth order of things. I am aware that it is societally expected of me to reach these mating milestones first, as I am the older child. I have not yet reached any mating milestones. What can I say? I'm not engaged. I was almost engaged once (to The Alcoholic Workaholic) and that wouldn't have been a good story. So, what about Carrie? I think there are other things about Carrie that might be worth mentioning, such as Carrie works really hard at her job and is doing her best to set herself up for success in 2010. Carrie has great friends and a very active social life. Carrie writes a well-received blog about dating, mating and relating. Carrie is very happy in a healthy relationship with a great guy, the sex maniac known as G Spot. All in all, Carrie is good. Why is it, then, that the only thing that's interesting about Carrie in my mother's friends eyes, is my marital status or lack thereof???

Here are some points that I might mention to my mother after I have worked it out with my therapist:
* Carrie is right where she needs to be. Carrie, over the past few years, has had 3 men tell her that they want to spend the rest of their lives with her and it was said of their own free will - Carrie never applied any pressure
* Carrie has dated many people over many years and has taken the time to reflect on the qualities that she can do without and made a laundry list of the qualities that she needs
* Carrie does not want to date or be married to anyone who is lacking the qualities that it would take to be happily married
* Carrie enjoys her independence and also enjoys being in a relationship that lacks the drudgery of a life spent living with a partner
* Carrie, being a disenchanted atheist who has enjoyed sex before marriage for many years, fears ever having a church ceremony in case she bursts into flames....

"Santa, baby...

.... leave a sable under the tree for me. Been an awful good girl, Santa baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight...."

Ahhhhh, Marilyn Monroe knew exactly what to ask from Santa years ago. I've always known what to ask for, but as for what to give - that's entirely different. My dilemma this year, as opposed to many Christmases past, is that I need to give G Spot a gift. When I was with Mr. Hello Wall, for example, I made sure to dump him before the holidays, as I didn't want to have to buy him something. This year is different. Although we've been together for a while, we haven't actually exchanged gifts yet. So, this is MAJOR.

I've already bought G Spot's gifts (plural because I couldn't decide on just one and was very confused about the whole thing...). I tried to buy thoughtful and meaningful, as well as nice, gifts for him. I don't want to say what I got, in case he reads this, but let's just say that I bought gifts to appeal to his senses of:

* electronic, techy things (well, maybe I'm trying to persuade his interest in such things...)
* useful things made of leather
* underthings

The first exchange of gifts in a relationship is stressful. Perhaps I went a bit over the top, but I need to set a precedent. I want G Spot to see that I took the time to find things that he would find thoughtful, useful and cool. I want to give good gifts. The message? I want to receive good gifts, too. When in my too-long relationship with the Alcoholic Workaholic, I received a mug and set of wooden Russian dolls for xmas one sad, sad year. Needless to say, the dolls ended up in the fireplace and the mug died a tragic death in a nearby parking lot... One of the worst gifts ever! So far, G Spot has proven himself to be very thoughtful and generous, so I'm not expecting to get power tools or other such uselessness.... Still, the questions remain - what to get? how much $$$ to spend?? what should the expectation be???

I tried my best and really hope that G Spot will be happy with his electric nose hair clipper, leather fetish suit and g string!