Sunday, April 12, 2009

Happy Easter, J Dog

All of my posts are written from the point of view of the bachelorette, which is getting boring. On this Easter Sunday, I’d like to write about Jesus – the most unacknowledged bachelor of all time.

Seriously – this guy was living the life! He was always hanging out with 12 of his best mates, turning water into wine and, so typically male, keeping a whore around for good measure. Not only that, but he walked around half naked most of the time and always had bed head (such a trend-setter – the look prevails to this day). Like most party animals, he kept quiet during the day (his hangovers must have been fierce – just look at the above picture – that looks like it was a crazy party!). Hell, he even got arrested a couple of times (the pressure of being the son of God must be hard to deal with and could explain the wino tendency and desire to initiate round table discussions about which party to hit next…). Right on, J Dog – your visionary singleton sensibilities continue to inspire spinsters and bachelors everywhere. Peace.

Monday, April 6, 2009

Tea and Sympathy

Ahhhhh, the sordid tales of online dating… Obviously, some people have not read my rules of etiquette (please see previous post titled “Dating Etiquette 101”). The latest story goes:
Guy smiles at girl online.
Girl smiles back.
Guy IM’s girl.
This leads to phone calls.
Guy ASKS GIRL for a coffee date.
Guy and girl meet for coffee.
Girl realizes guy isn’t her type and wants to run for the hills but, having read my rules of etiquette, understands that a coffee date during the day is not a huge time commitment (it greatly aides the chance of escape as weekends are busy – one could have to leave to get to their gym class, run errands, wash hair for the date occurring later that evening………) and, therefore, stays for as long as it takes to drink a cup of tea.
(Ladies – as an aside – ordering a room temperature drink, although not cozy, will greatly enhance the ability to escape sooner if need be)
Guy and girl part ways amicably.
Guy sends girl a text a couple of days later at 2.30am.
Girl is pissed.
Guy leaves nasty message for girl a week later, chastising her for not offering to pay for her tea on the date. To add insult to injury, he advised her that her not-paying-for-tea-on-a-date-that-he-requested behaviour was part of the reason why she is still single. I wonder, in turn, why guy is still single???
The moral of the story? If you can’t afford a cup of tea, don’t ask people out on dates. Also, please resist the urge to send texts during the middle of the night. Lastly, please follow up the date with a phone call. We prefer that.
If I was the type of person who named names, guy WOULD NEVER GET ANOTHER DATE in Cosmopolitan City ever again!