Sunday, November 29, 2009

Trading Up

I have heard others describe Facebook as the root of all evil. I have now experienced the evil first hand. Through an invitation to a friend’s birthday party, I came across a picture of my ex, the crashing bore known as Mr. Hello Wall. First came the profile photo to show that he had bought a house. Then came the profile photo to indicate that not only is he married, but he married the woman he met on Craigslist after we broke up. He married the chrome sucking slut (see related post).

Now, the fact that I am not married to Mr. Hello Wall is just fine. The idea of spending the rest of my life with a (poorly endowed) man who is only capable of having lengthy conversations about his salary and/or new car would be punishing. However, I am disturbed and insulted by who he married. After all, is it not a universally known fact that, when one relationship ends, your next partner is supposed to be an IMPROVEMENT on the last???!!! The only thing he’s been known to brag about her is the fact that “she could suck the chrome off a fender”. Fair enough – I never liked the guy enough to perform that task for him. I guess, for some men (or, perhaps, most men…), that’s all it really takes…

I’m not sure what would possess someone to advertise themselves on the Casual Encounters section of Craigslist (a website known more for the buying and selling of scummy old furniture than for scummy old vaginas…), but this is where Mr. Hello Wall found love. What scares the sh*t out of me is that he might actually think he did trade up???!!! Good lord – I’ve seen the photos. I’m having a crisis of confidence! Do I not have as much to offer as someone who sells their body online???!!!

Despite this perplexing scenario, I am still a big believer in the theory of trading up. After all, I did!

Wednesday, November 25, 2009

Today's Funny

The Husband Store

A brand new store has just opened in New York City that sells Husbands. When women go to choose a husband, they have to follow the instructions at the entrance:- You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are 6 floors and the value of the products increase as you ascend the flights. You may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you CANNOT go back down except to exit the building.

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.

On the 1st floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.

The 2nd floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

The 3rd floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids and are extremely good looking.

'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the 4th floor and the sign reads: Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help with Housework.

'Oh, mercy me!' she exclaims, 'I can hardly stand it!'

Still, she goes to the 5th floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Gorgeous, help with Housework and Have A Strong Romantic Streak. She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the 6th floor and the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store .

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opens a New Wives store just across the street.

The 1st floor has wives that love sex.

The 2nd floor has wives that love sex and have money.

The 3rd through 6th floors have never been visited.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Kreativ Blogger Awards

How fabulous! I was awarded as a Kreativ Blogger! Now, it's my turn to bestow the award to 7 bloggers who, in my opinion, are the most creative and fabulous bloggers around. What fun!

First, I must thank The Uneasy Writer for bestowing the award on me. It was she, my feather-penned friend, who encouraged me to write a blog. I learned pretty much all I know about blogging and posting from her. The Uneasy Writer posts eloquently and humourously on all things life-related and her musings are thoughtful and provocative. Not only does she maintain a full time job, a fabulous blog and an impressively updated Twitter account, but she is also a major Madge-fanatic AND is writing a novel. I am SO impressed by her and you will be, too:

Below are the steps that I must follow now that I have earned the award:

1. Copy and paste the Kreativ Blogger picture onto your blog.
2. Thank the person who gave you the award and post a link to their blog.
3. Write 7 things about yourself we do not know.
4. Choose 7 other bloggers to award.
5. Link to those 7 other bloggers.
6. Notify your 7 bloggers.

The 7 things you don't know about me:

1. I am highly intuitive - it's becoming stronger and stronger as I get older. It's weird!
2. I am terribly insecure (especially about my appearance)
3. I'm in therapy (see above) and not afraid to admit it
4. I need a LOT of sleep (9 hrs a night or else I'm useless)
5. I moved to London, England for 2 years for a relationship that didn't work out
6. I work in fashion for an Anna Wintour-like MAN
7. The thing I want most in life is to be in a happy, healthy relationship

Here is my list of 7 beguiling bloggers (as I'm a computer 'tard and cannot seem to post direct links, please copy and paste the links below into your browser):

1. Scandalous Housewife
What a woman! Her sense of humour makes me wish I was a funnier person. Her writing is superb and it's no wonder that she has so many devoted bishes following her.

2. The Peach Tart
Another fabulous femme (and self-described white trash southern belle) who tells it like it is in a most entertaining and kreativ way!

3. Funny Girl Goes Blog
Funny Girl writes about her real-life experiences in an honest and thoughtful, yet amusing way. Always something timely and of interest to read and it's set to music!

4. Selectively Bitchy
Get ready - this no holds barred blogger is not agraid to speak her mind! She describes herself as a "typical 20-something yuppie", however I can assure you that there is nothing typical about her 'hormonal rants' in this bewitching blog.

5. Nanny Goats in Panties
Read it for the Goat Thing of the Day. Read it for the pictures of nanny goats. Read it because everything is hilarious. Just read it!

6. Housecat Confidential
Follow the fabulous feline adventures of Fin, everyone's favourite 'senior kitizen'. It's amazing how cats and humans experience life in slightly similar fashon. Hilarious!

7. My Friends Are Sluts
So are mine. Read it!

So there they are in all their glory. Enjoy!

Tuesday, November 3, 2009

I met HIS fockers...

… and it went pretty well. They seem like nice fockers. I’ve been in so many dead-end relationships over the past few years that I haven’t had to deal with fockers much lately... Now that G Spot and I are close enough that we want to torture each other by subjecting ourselves to our respective peeps and fockers, we’re opening a can of worms… What will happen when one of us introduces the other to someone that we can’t stand? And you know, without doubt, that this will happen. How do I know this? Experience. Not only have I dated people in the past who come from questionable fockers, my parents each happen to detest most of the other’s fockers.

So, my question is…… At what point can one begin to be honest about disliking their partners peeps/fockers? Is there a time frame?? A certain strength of relationship??? A certain number of exposures before one can comment fairly???? All of the above?

My mother, the difficult yet endearing June Cleaver Blogshaw, waited until she was married to Ward (my father, from a family of incredibly difficult personalities and a son in law who’s crazier than a rat in a tin sh*t house…), before she told him how much she disliked his sister. And his brother-in-law. And his cousin(s). Ward also waited until they were married to tell my mother how much he disliked her mother. And sister. And father. Jeez! Seems like a lot of personality clashes, but isn’t it better to have it out in the open? I am of that opinion. If G Spot doesn’t like my peeps (for good reason), I would be understanding and try to keep exposure to the offensive fockers at a minimum. I’m hoping he would do the same for me. I think it’s better to be honest about this up front instead of (like in the movie) discreetly trying to flush offensive family members down the toilet at social gatherings….. Your thoughts???