Quote of the Day

"Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age - as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight."
- Phyllis Diller (my hero)

No Kids

That is the topic and title of my favourite new book. This revolutionary tome by Corinne Maier, includes 40 good reasons not to have children. I don’t need forty good reasons (four mediocre reasons, really, would do…), but it’s great that she’s putting it all out there. What’s also great is that she is speaking from experience: she has two kids! My mother has told me many, many times that if she could do her life over again, she wouldn’t have kids (thanks, Mum! Can I borrow some money for more therapy???). Apparently, this author feels the same way.

Many women of the millennium are reconsidering the value of having children. Sure, for some, it may be a rewarding experience, but when serial singletons spend the majority of their ‘30’s focusing on themselves and trying to build healthy relationships with just one other person, the idea of having even more people around to potentially f*ck it up becomes incredibly overwhelming. I’ve spent the past few years in a very specific lifestyle. Just trying to fit someone into that lifestyle, although willingly, is difficult. The author candidly tells women to say goodbye forever to: “…free time, dinners with friends, spontaneous romantic getaways, and even the luxury of uninterrupted thought for the “vicious little dwarves” that will treat you like their servant, cost you hundreds of thousands of dollars, and end up resenting you…”

If the above hasn’t helped you reach a decision, below are 9 of the 40 reasons why Maier feels women should not have children:

* You will lose touch with your friends – You will. All of my friends who have had children over the past few years have definitely dropped off the map. A couple of them did resurface after the first year or so, but it takes a lot of catching up on dating disasters to fill in a year of stories of tragic singledom.

* Your sex life will be over – Mine feels like it might be over just having done the research for this post.

* Children cost a fortune – Take it from Ward and June, kids really do cost a fortune. I cost a fortune!!! Every time I see my poor parents, they offer money out of expectation and pity. I’m a blood-sucking albatross.

* Child-rearing is endless drudgery – Breastfeeding. Sleepless nights. Breastfeeding side effects. Laundry. Cooking. Lessons. School. Homework. Screaming. Crying. Fighting. Toys. Toy stores. Birthday parties. Barf. Need I say more???

* Vacations will be nightmares – I don’t even understand why anyone travels with children. Although my mother may not have had much of a clue about child-rearing, she did know not to take us on vacations until my bro, the youngest, was 6. Why do it to yourself? Why go to the trouble?? The expense??? They won’t even bloody well remember it!!!???

* You’ll lose your indentity and become just “mom” or “dad” – After years of practicing becoming a perplexed singleton on the dating scene, I can’t imagine identifying myself any other way. All that work for nothing??? No way!

* Your children will become mindless drones of capitalism – I did.

* The planet’s already overcrowded – Seriously. Have you ever tried to get a reservation at Babbo in NYC??? Enough said – let’s try to control the population, as I’d like to get in before I die.

* Your children will inevitably disappoint you – Take it from Ward and June – my brother and I are terrible disappointments to them. My god – we couldn’t be more disappointing if we tried. We are both unmarried, much to June’s dismay. We both earn modest salaries and are therefore still on the Blogshaw payroll, much to Ward’s dismay. To all children, unless you become doctors, astronauts or nobel prize winners, all of your perceived achievements will be disappointing. I should have spent less time kissing boys in my youth (I didn’t realize at that time how long I’d be doing that into adulthood) and more time trying to cure cancer…….

meet the fockers

Talk about making progress on the dating scene. Talk about reaching a mating milestone. I’m finally dating someone who is worthy of making the biggest, most potentially painful and certainly scary sacrifice for. Yep, I decided a while ago that G Spot is someone who is worthy of introducing to my fockers.

It all went down this weekend up at the cottage. Not only did the meet and greet have to happen north of the comforts of city living, the poor guy had to endure 3 days of it. What a trooper. However much I liked him before, it’s definitely been enhanced now. Sexy.

The weeks leading up to the meeting of the fockers were anxious ones for my mother. Poor June (the wanna-be wedding planner), she’s been dying to meet G Spot for weeks, if not months. She wanted to learn as much about his background as possible before meeting him, as both she and my father have the uncanny ability to say just the wrong thing at just the wrong moment. When she wanted to know about his background, I mentioned that he had a German heritage. Hearing this, June instantly needed to know if he, or anyone in his family, is a Nazi. The reason? Because most of their friends are Jewish. Seriously – this is a discussion that we had at the dinner table a couple of weeks ago…….. When I asked how she would like him to address her, she said she wanted him to call her Mrs. Cleaver-Blogshaw, not June, as she prefers formal introductions. I forced the issue to see if we could make it more casual by using first names, but she wouldn’t make any concessions other than giving him permission to call my father “Pappa.” ???!!! Whatever.

So, it went well. My parents seem to be bigger fans of him than they are of me, which at this point is okay. Of course, June couldn’t resist telling embarrassing stories of my younger years, but that is standard and I’m pretty sure that even normal parents do that. My mother managed to restrain herself from making wedding plans and my father did not beg G Spot to make me an honest woman and to take me off the Blogshaw family payroll. Compared to the meeting of the real Fockers, this was pretty tame - no one was insulted, home renovations weren’t sabotaged, babies weren’t taught to swear and small dogs weren’t flushed down the toilet. However, there is always next weekend……

GUILT

Aaaaahhhhhhhhhh, guilt. No, this post has nothing to do with my mother. The guilt I am feeling is self inflicted. And ridiculous. Why is it, you are asking yourself, that I am feeling so guilty? What have I done now?? Well, here it is.......

I have found an amazing man.

This has led me to feel an extraordinary range of emotions, such as happiness, joy, elation, gratitude and, somewhat ridiculously, guilt. I feel so fortunate to have met my great guy (let's call him G Spot), and trust me, I've worked long and hard and dated all kinds of men who turned out to be so very un-amazing in the mean time, that I should feel fortunate. It's my turn! However, in solidarity with the other tragic singletons who I have lived through the saga of modern day dating with, I feel guilty. It's like I have survivors guilt. Why was I able to find someone great when some of my other fabulous friends are still slogging it out? Why was I spared???!!!

Being polite, I try not to go on and on ad nauseum about how happy I am with G Spot. I don't want to rub it in, but damn, am I happy......... Of course, should anything go disastrously wrong, or should we have our first fight, I will gladly offer up the gory details. Still, so far so good.

Perhaps I am paying my penance to singledom by being grateful. I've suffered through bad dates, bad relationships and the modern mystery that is online dating, and I finally met a good guy. As the memory of tragic singledom is still fresh, I am very mindful of making myself available to my friends for GNO's, dildo parties at my place, etc. (well, when I'm not holed up in my flat with G Spot having regular sex....). I'm also still trying to set my singleton friends up and I have taken on the role of speed dating coach. If I was unappreciative of this situation, perhaps I should feel guilty. Seriously, in between the highs of being intoxicated by someone else's fabulousness, I would perfer not to feel guilt like only a politician, Catholic priest, or OJ Simpson could!

What Women Want

Obviously, all women want George Clooney or Brad Pitt (or both…). Besides that, though, what are the top qualities that women are looking for in men? According to the staff at eHarmony (I’ve now come to accept the fact that I will receive 1 to 2 unsolicited emails from them every week for the rest of my life and that’s the card I’ve been dealt...), women’s top 5 dealmakers are:

* An honest man – Honesty is one of their top rated qualities. Who knew??? I didn’t include honesty in my laundry list of qualifications until recently, and I therefore went on to date a bunch of dishonest people. I think I took it for granted that all people are honest (life is hard when you’re that naïve) and I expected suitors to act accordingly. Wrong. I added honesty to my exhaustive list a few months ago and, let me tell you, it’s nice to date someone like that. Ladies, add it to your list. I’ve also discovered that dating someone genuine and sincere is also satisfying (thank you, Lover) – so please add these qualities as well – they’re all sexy.

* An emotionally healthy man – Whoa. That is hard to find. Most people have a few little issues that may creep up now and again, which is acceptable (I really hope so, or else I’m f*cked…). Things to watch for? The man who claims that he is emotionally healthy and free of hang-ups, like Emotional F*ckwit ’08 - he was SO hungup about the fact that he had no hangups – it was ridiculous. Neuroses? No. Neurons firing on all cylinders to help oneself work through issues? No problem.

* A man who can resolve conflicts – Yes, especially if he is dating me. Apparently, men are taught to win fights from an early age. That makes my brow wrinkle in confusion (which I really don’t like because I’m constantly trying to offset all visible signs of aging), because I have always thought that women had to be right. Since when did we start letting men win the fights? There are 2 lessons to be learned here. The first lesson is to stop letting men win all the time – that’s not right! The second lesson is that it is good to find a man who can work to resolve an issue instead of being spiteful and pushy just so he can win a fight.

* An attractive man – Women want an attractive man just as much as men want attractive women. I guess it really is that important. Of course, a good personality can enhance one’s outer appearance (and vice versa), but that’s no excuse to show up on dates looking rumpled and ridiculous. Dudes, you have no idea how a nicely pressed shirt, properly tailored pants or nicely shined shoes can put us in the mood.

Archie chose Veronica???!!!

Boys ARE dumb!!! I heard this news last weekend and I’m still p*ssed. I’m in shock! What happened? Do nice girls ever finish last? Surely, in comic books at the very least, the nice girl could get the guy while the snobby b*tch would be left to deal with Jughead’s zany antics???!!!

The circuitous love triangle between Archie, Betty and Veronica has kept Archie Comics readers rapt for over 65 years. 65 years – that is correct. And this is how it ends??? I, for one, have always been on Betty’s side. Believe it or not, I spent quite a bit of time entertaining myself with this thoroughly frustrating threesome back in high school, which is why this struck a chord now. Betty, the heroine, is natural, sweet, genuine and caring. Veronica, the antagonist and general pain in the a**, is self-obsessed, vain, uncaring and mean. She seems to have the kind of affection towards Archie as she does towards a dirty dishrag, she uses him as a spare when she can’t get a date with Reggie or someone who is more her style (say, the captain of the football team, her favourite teacher or the branch manager of her local bank….), and she is MEAN to him! On a regular basis!! What gives in this scenario???!!! What are men looking for??? Why does he put up with this s*it??? Does he always leave Betty for Veronica because she has a fast car? A sugar daddy?? A hair straightener???

The other thing that is bothering me immensely (seriously – I’ve spent the whole week trying to sort this out in my head…) is if Veronica is going to say yes. She doesn’t really like the guy… Can she not find someone more suitable? Will Betty find someone more suitable??? Why is it so hard to meet people in comic-book land??? That’s why this story is making waves around the world – it’s so relatable! Think about it – these people have been chasing each other around for 65 years – that’s sick! It’s just like Cosmopolitan City, where one can be single (and fabulous…) and date a string of unsuitable partners for a lifetime! Surely, both Betty and Veronica could go online to meet more suitable partners, or perhaps hit the bar scene… They could join common-interest groups, try speed dating, cooking classes, volleyball, singles cruises or singles day trips to New York City…

Really, the only fair way for this story to end is for Veronica to turn Archie down. Then, Archie could go to the nearest bar, get totally hammered and then go over to Jughead’s to complain about his misfortune with women, only to find Jughead in bed with both Betty and Veronica. Ha Ha!

Top 12 things to never ask your man...

…as brought to you by the gifted authors at Respected National Publication Favouring Female Interest. According to the magazine, the questions listed below are off-limits:

* Does this make me look fat? - If you think so, then it probably does. How are men supposed to respond? If they are honest, they’ll get sh*t on and if they lie, they’ll get sh*t on. How would you answer if your bf came to you to ask if his boxer-briefs make his d*ck look small???!!! That’s right.

* Is she prettier than me? - If you think so, then she probably is. He knows what you look like. You know what you look like. If you want to have a big fight, ask the question. If you want to live happily ever after, buy yourself a new lippy and move on.

* How many women have you slept with? - Make sure you are ready for the answer. The fact is that, if one is single and in their 30's, then one has probably slept with a few more partners than originally anticipated when they were younger, hotter and had no idea that one could stay single for such a prolonged period of time, but I digress........ The only safe question to ask is if he has been safe in his transgressions. I grant you permission to ask that question, but ONLY that question.

* What are you thinking? – This is hilarious. I can guarantee, in fact I’d bet a paycheck, that he’s not thinking. At all. Nada. If he looks perplexed, he’s probably trying to stage a plan in order to pass gas in your presence without you noticing. Or something like that. At most, he may be trying to plan how his favourite football team can best play their next game, but that’s probably about it….. Looking for a specific answer? Ask a specific question.

* Where is our relationship going? – Right out the window if you ask that question!!!

* If you could sleep with one of my friends, who would it be? – DANGER DANGER DANGER. DO NOT ask this question. Ever.

* Would you run to the store and get me some tampons? – Would you run to the store to get him anti-fungal medication for his athletes foot? Let’s help each other by helping ourselves with such tasks.

* Do you mind if I go for lunch with my ex? - Then be prepared not to mind when he goes out for lunch with his ex.

* If I died in a freak hair-dying accident, how long would you wait before moving on? – Apparently this is a passive aggressive question that is going to instigate a fight. How could anyone know that? What if he meets a hottie at your funeral??? Hey, you never know how life works!

* (While holding someone else’s baby ask:) How many kids do you want to have? - Why don’t you then ask what kind of suburban-nightmare-semi-detached-can’t-tell-your-house-apart-from-your-neighbour’s home he’d like to live in and what kind of death-of-sex minivan he’d like to drive? Start training now, because you’ll have to sprint like hell to catch up with him after you put that thought in his mind…..

* Can I come to guy’s night this time? – No.

* (In regards to either size or duration or both) Is that it? - Yes, if you want it to be the end of your relationship.