Out of sight, out of mind?

Nope! Look at us grow! Yep, my worldly lover, G Spot and I took a mini break together to the beautiful, exciting, expensive and expansive city of New York. The trip involved a lot of careful planning and itinerary-arranging on my part (apparently this is an area of great challenge for most men...), but it was well worth it. Knowing that we can travel together without incident (or insolence) is a nice lesson learned. Phew!

After our successful city tour, I continued on to a week long vacay with Ward and June at Shady Pines in Sunny Southern State. It was a fabulous and much needed vacation, especially considering the copious amount of careful planning and itinerary-arranging that I had been up to for weeks before... Now, G Spot and I have been separated by vacations before, but this time was really tough. After a few days of soaking up the sun by the pool and checking out the sad state of silver foxes driving bright red, convertible Mercedes while checking out their neighbours daughters (ew!), the pangs of absence became pronounced. Things worsened throughout the remainder of the trip. By the last day, although the thought of having to leave to go back to real life was dissatisfactory the thought of not being able to connect with my G Spot for another day (I know, I know!!!), was too much to bear.

Contrary to many of my past dating experiences, I was actually looking forward to seeing G Spot when I returned. We had a nice reunion at the really romantic airport terminal (where I was sweating like a whore at customs trying to smuggle all my vacay loot into Cosmopolitan City) and great sex afterwards, proving that not only does absence make the heart grow fonder, but abstinence makes the heart grow fonder, too!

Over or Under? How do you roll???

You know what? Who really cares as long as someone actually does change the freaking effing goddamn roll after they've finished with it???!!! Nothing says "I care deeply about you" by leaving one to drip dry while the replacement roll is stored in the secretive and sneaky hiding spot of under the bathroom sink... Jeez!

This post is dedicated to my favourite lover, G Spot. My prized personal pleasure center and I have reached the stage in our relationship where we are trying to determine our compatability along the dimensions of being able to stand each other long term. We seem to score high on important dimensions such as shared goals, desires and core values. We have low scores along beliefs in life after death, the use of psychics to provide guidance in our lives and that men are able to accomplish necessary tasks as well as women. They can't. They just bloody well can't.

Like most couples, we differ on a few dimensions that are domestic in nature. Actually, we seem to differ on most dimensions that are domestic in nature... Such as, you ask? Well, besides the dreaded non-replacement of the loo roll, there is also:

* Unruly manhandling of the washroom handtowels. This was the first domestic directive that I had to issue, but so far so good. Now, they lay on the towel rack disheveled, but not totally bedraggled. That's progress.

* The throwing of my beautiful tufted silk coverlet from Madly Expensive Home Decor Store on the floor with reckless abandon, but it's done in the name of mad, passionate sex, so I therefore excuse it.

* The hiding of empty containers in the fridge. Isn't it cute when men finish the milk and then put the empty carton back in the fridge and then complain when there is no milk? Isn't it cute when they do that with the orange juice, too?? And the sugar free Kool Aid that is really meant for my enjoyment???

Today's lesson? Over. Under. Upside down. Rightside up. I'm not fussy. Just bloody well change the damn thing at the right time and we can continue to live our lives as we have come to know them. That, men, is the recipe for domestic bliss on all dimensions!

If It's Not One Thing, It's My Mother: Back Off!

JE-SUS! I had the opportunity to spend an afternoon with my mother, the lovely yet painfully direct and therefore hurtful, June Cleaver-Blogshaw. It was very, very nice of my mother to take me to the hospital to endure a painful medical procedure. It was not nice of her, however, to verbally and emotionally abuse me afterwards...

Having returned to her condo and in intense pain, I took some time to have a rest. After a few minutes, I was beckoned by everyone's favourite mercenary matriarch:

June Cleaver-Blogshaw: "Carrie, can you bring me my Coke?"
(contrary to what everyone might think, she meant her glass of Coke, and not a line of coke, but I can plainly see how her demand could be misconstrued...)
Carrie Blogshaw: "I'll be right there..." (when my head stops pounding and I can heave myself off this oasis of a couch...)
June: "But fill it up with a new Coke from the fridge first - I don't like it to be flat"
Carrie: ~ sigh ~

After delivering Her Highness's libation of choice, she announced that the date had been set for my brother, the provocative planner, Beavis Blogshaw's, wedding. The great news? They chose my birthday weekend. Fabulous. Not only will I have to participate in the wedding and be judged by friends and family alike (while wearing a ridiculous and unflattering meringe-like dress), I will have to suffer through the ordeal on my birthday weekend. Yep, of all the weekends in that whole month, they chose to plan their nuptuals on my big day. This is so 'Sixteen Candles'... To top it all off, as one of my smart single gal pals reminded me this evening, my birthday will coincide with their anniversary for the rest of my life. Great - I'll be overshadowed for eternity!

I mentioned to June that it would be the weekend of a milestone birthday for me. She said she knew, but what could she do? I asked if she had mentioned to them (my bro lacks the capacity to remember anniversaries, birthdays and other important dates - an affliction that most men suffer from) that it would be an important weekend for me and if they could choose another of the 4 weekends available to them in that month. The curt conversation went something like this:

Carrie: "Did you mention that it is my birthday weekend?"
June: "No"
Carrie: "Why not?"
June: "Beavis's wedding is more important than your birthday. Weddings trump birthdays."

That ended the conversation.

The moral of the story? I would like to inform you all that I am no longer scared of getting married. Instead, I am greatly anticipating it. In fact, I am planning it right now. All I know so far is that it will be HUGE, both my bro and his fiancee will be in it and it will fall on the day of either my mother or my brother's birthday!!!

from porno to afterglow

Ahhhhhh, pornography… Typically, I’m not into it. Yes, I am aware that men don’t like to hear that. I find it cheesy, pedantic, grotesquely graphic and unbelievably unromantic. As a woman, I need to be seduced by watching scenes of men romancing women in a fairytale kind of way. It does not do anything for me to watch a guy banging 2 chicks and then jacking off in their faces. Sorry.

Now, I am not against porn. I completely understand that men seem to need it for their sanity and overall general health and I’m okay with that. I would just prefer not to watch it myself. Too often. However, just because I don’t want to see porn doesn’t mean that G Spot doesn’t want to. I’m now at a point in a relationship where I have to compromise on the adult film dimension. Hmmm… To be fair, we had great sex after the porno last night. Not that it’s ever not great, but it was particularly pleasing for me. Perhaps porno has it’s pluses...

The flick we watched was a classic Ron Jeremy film from the ‘70’s. I had an insatiable curiosity regarding the size of his penis, so G Spot (being the confident, well-hung guy that he is), helped me to discover the truth about the hedgehog’s enormous cock (10" - no joke). Perhaps porn has improved since the ‘70’s – I guess I’ll have to give it another go and try a more modern video (is there a chance that one would exist where the dude at least buys the chick dinner first???!!!)... But still, the contrived story lines, unromantic hook ups and dirty, dirty characters just don’t do it for me. Is that wrong? Should I be turned on by a guy with a giant d*ck who will stick it in any port in a storm?? Am I wrong to be totally turned off at the sight of two women giving head to said giant d*ck guy simultaneously and then moving on to a dude named Gary with horseshoe-ring hair who is naked yet wearing cowboy boots???!!! Maybe, if I see something more current and inspiring, I might want to work with G Spot to create our own private porno – how does Carrie Does Cosmopolitan City sound?

What's a little phone sex prank between friends???

I've had sex in parks, offices, bar bathrooms and balconies. I have never, however, had phone sex. Yet... I must say, after listening to this confusing yet charming chat, that it's nice to see that there is such consistency between phone sex operators. Enjoy!

Happy Valentines Day

Can you believe it? I am in shock. I have just spent a romantic and intimate Valentines weekend with my fabulous lover, G Spot, for the 2nd year in a row. Wow! My typical "I Hate Valentines Day" party was cancelled yet again this year because I now like Valentines Day. Having spent so very many V Days frustrated and alone, it's still strange for me to enjoy it and especially with the same man as last year!

Being in the luvved up phase of a relationship is so great. However, I am careful not to sound too annoying to my single friends. One of my freakin' funniest spinster friends (what's the male equivalent to spinster??? oh yeah, eligible bachelor.....) recently coined the terms "Couples Appreciation Day" and "Singles Awareness Day", which I find highly amusing and highly descriptive. Having sulkily and reluctantly celebrated Singles Awareness Day for many, many years, I am very happy to be among the ranks of Couples Appreciation Day. I am relieved. I am grateful. I am smug.

I appreciate my relationship very much and have taken the time to stop and smell the roses. I appreciate the time we spend together (all of it). I appreciate the sex (all of it). I appreciate the mornings when I can snuggle into his nook (one of my favourite things in life). I appreciate the way he teases me about my various peculiarities and quirks. I appreciate the time we spend talking and laughing (laughing at my various peculiarities and quirks). I appreciate his kind, thoughtful and gentle nature - so different from what I had become used to. Seriously - single or coupled up, everyone should take the time to appreciate their G Spot today!

Shades of Grey

There is no easy way to say this. There was no easy way to discover this. Thank the lord I'm in therapy already (and I'm sure my therapist will love hearing about this one)... Well, here goes..... I found a grey hair on my bikini line this afternoon. Wow. I was horrified. I was in disbelief - was it possible that I'm growing blonde hairs down there???!!! I screamed a little bit. I cried a little bit. I barfed a little bit.

Today's discovery led me right back to the episode of Sex and the City when Samantha found a grey hair in the full bush that she had grown for Smith. She was devastated. At the time, I thought the episode was hilarious - definitely one of my faves. Her reaction was priceless and my friends and I laughed and laughed. Now, I am devastated and can totally empathize with Samantha. Who's laughing now???!!!

Samantha was afraid to pluck, in case 4 grow back in it's place. She tried colouring her pubes, which didn't work out... What to do? Like her, I am afraid to pluck, as I don't want 4 more grey bastards down there. I don't want to do highlights (in an effort for the carpet to match the curtains) and I don't want to go bald. What will G Spot think? Should I keep quiet and wait till he notices it?? Should I put a long, grey streak in my hair like What Not To Wear's Stacey London and pretend that it's stylish??? For the love of good genes, even my mother, the follicly fertile June Cleaver-Blogshaw, doesn't have grey pubes.... Perhaps I should move into a retirement villa to make the experience more authentic???!!! There is no shade of grey here - this is a black or white situation where grey is not an option. Yeesh!