What Women Want

Obviously, all women want George Clooney or Brad Pitt (or both…). Besides that, though, what are the top qualities that women are looking for in men? According to the staff at eHarmony (I’ve now come to accept the fact that I will receive 1 to 2 unsolicited emails from them every week for the rest of my life and that’s the card I’ve been dealt...), women’s top 5 dealmakers are:

* An honest man – Honesty is one of their top rated qualities. Who knew??? I didn’t include honesty in my laundry list of qualifications until recently, and I therefore went on to date a bunch of dishonest people. I think I took it for granted that all people are honest (life is hard when you’re that naïve) and I expected suitors to act accordingly. Wrong. I added honesty to my exhaustive list a few months ago and, let me tell you, it’s nice to date someone like that. Ladies, add it to your list. I’ve also discovered that dating someone genuine and sincere is also satisfying (thank you, Lover) – so please add these qualities as well – they’re all sexy.

* An emotionally healthy man – Whoa. That is hard to find. Most people have a few little issues that may creep up now and again, which is acceptable (I really hope so, or else I’m f*cked…). Things to watch for? The man who claims that he is emotionally healthy and free of hang-ups, like Emotional F*ckwit ’08 - he was SO hungup about the fact that he had no hangups – it was ridiculous. Neuroses? No. Neurons firing on all cylinders to help oneself work through issues? No problem.

* A man who can resolve conflicts – Yes, especially if he is dating me. Apparently, men are taught to win fights from an early age. That makes my brow wrinkle in confusion (which I really don’t like because I’m constantly trying to offset all visible signs of aging), because I have always thought that women had to be right. Since when did we start letting men win the fights? There are 2 lessons to be learned here. The first lesson is to stop letting men win all the time – that’s not right! The second lesson is that it is good to find a man who can work to resolve an issue instead of being spiteful and pushy just so he can win a fight.

* An attractive man – Women want an attractive man just as much as men want attractive women. I guess it really is that important. Of course, a good personality can enhance one’s outer appearance (and vice versa), but that’s no excuse to show up on dates looking rumpled and ridiculous. Dudes, you have no idea how a nicely pressed shirt, properly tailored pants or nicely shined shoes can put us in the mood.

Archie chose Veronica???!!!

Boys ARE dumb!!! I heard this news last weekend and I’m still p*ssed. I’m in shock! What happened? Do nice girls ever finish last? Surely, in comic books at the very least, the nice girl could get the guy while the snobby b*tch would be left to deal with Jughead’s zany antics???!!!

The circuitous love triangle between Archie, Betty and Veronica has kept Archie Comics readers rapt for over 65 years. 65 years – that is correct. And this is how it ends??? I, for one, have always been on Betty’s side. Believe it or not, I spent quite a bit of time entertaining myself with this thoroughly frustrating threesome back in high school, which is why this struck a chord now. Betty, the heroine, is natural, sweet, genuine and caring. Veronica, the antagonist and general pain in the a**, is self-obsessed, vain, uncaring and mean. She seems to have the kind of affection towards Archie as she does towards a dirty dishrag, she uses him as a spare when she can’t get a date with Reggie or someone who is more her style (say, the captain of the football team, her favourite teacher or the branch manager of her local bank….), and she is MEAN to him! On a regular basis!! What gives in this scenario???!!! What are men looking for??? Why does he put up with this s*it??? Does he always leave Betty for Veronica because she has a fast car? A sugar daddy?? A hair straightener???

The other thing that is bothering me immensely (seriously – I’ve spent the whole week trying to sort this out in my head…) is if Veronica is going to say yes. She doesn’t really like the guy… Can she not find someone more suitable? Will Betty find someone more suitable??? Why is it so hard to meet people in comic-book land??? That’s why this story is making waves around the world – it’s so relatable! Think about it – these people have been chasing each other around for 65 years – that’s sick! It’s just like Cosmopolitan City, where one can be single (and fabulous…) and date a string of unsuitable partners for a lifetime! Surely, both Betty and Veronica could go online to meet more suitable partners, or perhaps hit the bar scene… They could join common-interest groups, try speed dating, cooking classes, volleyball, singles cruises or singles day trips to New York City…

Really, the only fair way for this story to end is for Veronica to turn Archie down. Then, Archie could go to the nearest bar, get totally hammered and then go over to Jughead’s to complain about his misfortune with women, only to find Jughead in bed with both Betty and Veronica. Ha Ha!

Top 12 things to never ask your man...

…as brought to you by the gifted authors at Respected National Publication Favouring Female Interest. According to the magazine, the questions listed below are off-limits:

* Does this make me look fat? - If you think so, then it probably does. How are men supposed to respond? If they are honest, they’ll get sh*t on and if they lie, they’ll get sh*t on. How would you answer if your bf came to you to ask if his boxer-briefs make his d*ck look small???!!! That’s right.

* Is she prettier than me? - If you think so, then she probably is. He knows what you look like. You know what you look like. If you want to have a big fight, ask the question. If you want to live happily ever after, buy yourself a new lippy and move on.

* How many women have you slept with? - Make sure you are ready for the answer. The fact is that, if one is single and in their 30's, then one has probably slept with a few more partners than originally anticipated when they were younger, hotter and had no idea that one could stay single for such a prolonged period of time, but I digress........ The only safe question to ask is if he has been safe in his transgressions. I grant you permission to ask that question, but ONLY that question.

* What are you thinking? – This is hilarious. I can guarantee, in fact I’d bet a paycheck, that he’s not thinking. At all. Nada. If he looks perplexed, he’s probably trying to stage a plan in order to pass gas in your presence without you noticing. Or something like that. At most, he may be trying to plan how his favourite football team can best play their next game, but that’s probably about it….. Looking for a specific answer? Ask a specific question.

* Where is our relationship going? – Right out the window if you ask that question!!!

* If you could sleep with one of my friends, who would it be? – DANGER DANGER DANGER. DO NOT ask this question. Ever.

* Would you run to the store and get me some tampons? – Would you run to the store to get him anti-fungal medication for his athletes foot? Let’s help each other by helping ourselves with such tasks.

* Do you mind if I go for lunch with my ex? - Then be prepared not to mind when he goes out for lunch with his ex.

* If I died in a freak hair-dying accident, how long would you wait before moving on? – Apparently this is a passive aggressive question that is going to instigate a fight. How could anyone know that? What if he meets a hottie at your funeral??? Hey, you never know how life works!

* (While holding someone else’s baby ask:) How many kids do you want to have? - Why don’t you then ask what kind of suburban-nightmare-semi-detached-can’t-tell-your-house-apart-from-your-neighbour’s home he’d like to live in and what kind of death-of-sex minivan he’d like to drive? Start training now, because you’ll have to sprint like hell to catch up with him after you put that thought in his mind…..

* Can I come to guy’s night this time? – No.

* (In regards to either size or duration or both) Is that it? - Yes, if you want it to be the end of your relationship.

50 first dates

Having trouble getting to the second date stage? This has never been a problem for me - I guess I’m just that irresistible (to masochists???!!!)…… However, there are some people out there who are experiencing difficulties in reaching that stage. What is going on? What is the major malfunction?? My friends at eHarmony, who continue to harass me with unsolicited emails on a biweekly basis, have come identified 5 bad habits that tank first dates:

* Don’t monopolize the conversation – Sorry, you’re just not that interesting… It’s great to have non-stop conversation on first dates (lulls can be so awkward when you’re chatting with someone new), however it should not be all about yourself. No matter how interesting you think you are, try to encourage your date to share some info about themselves. Trust me - I’ve been on dates with men who talk about themselves incessantly and, although it may be amusing for the first 2 minutes, start to imagine a lifetime of it………

* Don’t overshare – Guilty as charged. I am an open book and must always resist the urge to share everything with everyone. While it’s good to be open, it’s not good to be an open-heart surgery.

* Don’t try to be someone you’re not – I’ve never understood this. How can one be someone that one is not??? I suppose, if one is an oscar-winning actor, one could pull off being someone else… Or, if one suffers from multiple personality disorder, one could potentially be many people that one is not, but for the rest of us……???!!!

* Don’t propose – Hell, no! Jesus – I think I had a massive coronary just reading that…

* Don’t ignore cues – This is the hardest work of all. Trying to pick up on the subtleties of a stranger is not easy. I prefer to look for more obvious signs, such as yawning (an obvious signal that he wants to get me into bed), looking at other women (an obvious sign that he wants a threesome), begging the waitress to bring the bill (an obvious sign that he wants a foursome) and constantly looking towards the exit sign (an obvious sign that he can’t wait to take us all out of there).

Sex Boycott

I’ve never done this to anyone before – I swear!
I recently read an article about a poor, poor Kenyan man (we’ll call him Quityer Complainin), who is suing a group called G10 (not sure how they are able to have this name, as the G10 is more commonly known as a group of industrial countries who consult and cooperate on economic and financial matters, but I digress….). Apparently, this confusingly misnomered G10 group (a coalition of women’s groups) appealed to Kenyan women to boycott sex in order to push the men into resolving political issues. Let me make one thing clear to the G10 for future reference: If you want something done by a man, don’t cut off the sex. Don’t do it. If you want something done, use sex as a reward. It’s positive reinforcement at it’s finest – whatever Pavlov’s dogs did for food, men will do for booty. Is that clear???!!!

Anyhoo, back to the horrifying ordeal that Quityer Complainin was forced to suffer through. His awful, awful wife banned him from sex for 7 days. 7 days. That’s right, 7 days. I’ve had dry spells that have lasted more than 7 months, but whatever, this is not about me....... Quityer Complainin is suing the G10 for unbearable suffering that included:

* Mental anguish (this story is causing me mental anguish)
* Stress
* Backaches
* Lack of concentration
* Anxiety
* Sleepless nights

The organizers of the sex strike claimed that it was a success. I’m not sure how that could be, as the political strife remains… The Kenyan president and his rival held brief talks and cabinet meetings during the boycott, which seems to have satisfied the naïve G10. What might have happened during these closed door talks and meetings? What were they really doing behind closed doors?? Probably watching the latest Kenyan porn flicks, wanking and then coming out with smiles like the joker on their faces, making the press believe that they’d made progress in their 'relations', but I’m just sayin’…..

1,000 Guys...

… reveal what they really thought about you after your date……. It’s like a train wreck – you kind of don’t want to know, but you REALLY, REALLY have to know. In my favourite new book (which I haven’t read yet…), titled ‘Why He Didn’t Call You Back’, the author, Rachel Greenwald, summarizes the feedback of ONE THOUSAND dates from a male perspective. Yep, train wreck.

I recently saw the author on a morning show and was interested in her feedback. She didn’t strike me as the kind of serial singleton that I have come to know and love, she was more mumsy, which causes me to question her experience as a desperately dating tragic spinster. She looked like a wife and mother, but I’ll delve into her questionable qualifications in my own time to satisfy my skepticism… She claims to be a relationship coach AND to have an MBA from Harvard, so let’s see what she had to say:

* Don’t Conduct An Interview – Greenwald warns against conducting dates like interviews. I have to object here – every date that I’ve conducted like an interview, and there have been many, has turned out very well. To all singletons, I emplore you to conduct a Spanish inquisition and grill them for all the info you can get. Knowledge is power.

* Don’t Be The Boss Lady – Apparently, if a woman is on a date with a heterosexual man (hey, these days you never can tell…), he would prefer for her to be acquiescent and feminine. Therefore, she urges women not to show up on dates straight from work – the power persona coupled with a power suit can be intimidating for men and ends up being a turn off. Don’t talk about work, don’t show how demanding you can really be and, above all else, don’t take the lead. That’s right – apparently doing things like opening the door for him or, god forbid, hailing a cab, will send the wrong signal and will not encourage him to call again.

* Don’t Be a B*tch – Ahhhhhhh, common sense prevails. In case you were wondering, men do not find it alluring when you act like a vicious c*nt on a date.

Well, there you go – I’ve just saved you over 300 pages of reading and $28 plus shipping and handling.


FYI - I've done the research and I was right - Rachel Greenwald is a wife and mother (I can spot them a mile away) and earns a living as a relationship coach. I would have preferred it if she was single (is just so much more organic), but her research reveals helpful hints whether she is Sally Spinster or Sally Housecoat.

It's my party and I'll cry if I want to...

… because I’m getting another year deeper into my dirty thirties and I’m not enthused. May is my birthday month, and I love it for the green grass, leafy trees, blooming flowers and mild temperatures. However, I hate it for the fact that I will turn another year older.

I’ve had a problem with getting older for many years now. No matter how hard I have tried, I have been unable to stop the aging process. I think that getting older (or, should I say, becoming less young???) is a contentious subject for me as I have been single for a long time and with every passing year, gravity takes it’s toll and makes those 20-something girls look better and better to men my age.

Another factor that is making this birthday difficult is that this might be my Bridget birthday. What is the significance of that, you ask? I believe that I am turning the age that Bridget Jones was in the first revolutionary novel. This scares me a bit. I love Bridge, but my god – I think it’s going to take a lot of cigarettes and alcohol units to get through this one.

In order to combat the dreadful process of becoming less (and less, and less…) young, I do my best to exercise, eat well and get enough rest. Gravity, however, has taken a toll on my body and with each passing year, I lament as I notice changes to the landscape – imperfections, if you will - that don’t help my self esteem. Thankfully, I’ve found a fella who finds these imperfections to be perfectly imperfect. Still, I have my esteem issues (my esteem issues and I have had a long, long relationship). What are these irritating imperfections? Well, I am willing to share with you that:

* My ass is trying to make friends with my ankles

* My breasts are trying to move in with my armpits

* My skin is perfecting it’s impression of an orange peel

* My hair, in keeping with current fashion trends, has decided that grey is the new brown