Vera Wanker

This weekend, I found myself at one of the most upscale bridal shops in Cosmopolitan City. I should preface this by mentioning that I haven’t been to many weddings at all (let alone trying to plan one). I’m pretty much a nuptual novice. Perhaps I should have brought an entourage to help me find a dress, however I felt that I would have an easer time on my own. Having an easy time at Upscale Bridal Shop was not meant to be.

Quite typically, I encountered the worst of the stereotype of the hoity-toity salesperson. It was so Pretty Woman. Ummmm, ladies, please remember… You work there. I shop there. ‘Nuff said. Trust me - if I didn’t have the gold Visa limit of my mother, the spare-no-expense-for-the-love-of-god-you’re-finally-getting-married June Cleaver-Blogshaw, I wouldn’t have bothered walking through the door. Jeez!

Apparently, according to the Vera Wankers, it’s simply scandalous to ask if the famed designer would create such an ungodly concoction as a cocktail or tea length dress. The horror! You would have thought that I’d asked where the collection of polyester dresses was… I also had the nerve to ask if any of the Wankers were available to help me, as most were just sitting around looking average. After much dissatisfied clucking and rolling of the eyes, I was told that they only work by appointment. Of course. Since when did wankers become important enough to work by appointment only??? In my experience, you certainly don’t need a good time to have a Vera Wanker!

Today's Funny

Why Men Shouldn't Write Advice Columns

Dear John,
I hope you can help me. The other day, I set off for work, leaving my husband at home watching tv. My car stalled, and then it broke down about a mile down the road, and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home, I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbour's daughter!
I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbour's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him, he broke down and admitted they had been having an affair for the past 6 months. He won't go to counselling. I am a wreck and need advice urgently. Can you please help?
Sincerely,
Sheila

Dear Sheila,
A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear, check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solves the problem, it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty, causing low delivery pressure to the injectors.
I hope this helps,
John

Everyone wants to marry their g spot...

... only I get to!!! Yep - I love my g spot so much I’m going to marry it…
… No, really, I’m going to marry my G Spot!!!

This is a very exciting development in the long and drawn out love life of Carrie Blogshaw. Finally, after years (and years, and years…) of dating emotional f*ckwits, alcoholics, workaholics and megalomaniacs, I will marry my Mr. Blog.

My relationship with G Spot has been the most rewarding and positive experience that I’ve had. And I’ve had lots. Yes, the thought of a lifelong commitment was previously scary, but now it feels right. I should be so lucky to spend my time (yes, all of it… the good, the bad and the ugly…) with someone this fabulous. What’s to fear?

Now, I have to start planning the wedding. This must be taken seriously, as people don’t get to marry their g spots every day and I’m sure everyone will want the very best. In the true theme of marrying a g spot, I’ll try to choose a venue that’s truly storied and rough around the edges. It will have to be hard to find, but when we get there, it’ll be soooo worth it!

Today's Funny

BP announced this morning that they installed a wedding ring around the leaking pipe and it quit putting out.

In Sickness And In Health

Trust me, I don’t take good health for granted. I am in awe of people who never get sick. I tend to get every virus going, along with a host of many other (often unspeakable) ailments. My lover, the intensely immune G Spot, never gets sick. In the year and half that we’ve been together, he’s been forced to listen to me hack like an iron-lunged smoker, blow my nose like a heavy-using coke head and experience nausea that forced us to leave a restaurant before getting to the meal. Ahhhhhhh, the romance of it all.

This week, in truly spectacular form, G Spot became ill. Instead of staying home and wallowing in his misery, he headed straight to the ER. He had to. I rushed to the hospital to be with him and had to wait an agonizing half hour before anyone would help me find him. Ahhhhhhh, the healthcare system.

Now, I didn’t need an emergency to make me realize how much I love my lover. I am always well aware. The panic that set in was new for me. I am a good worrier, but I usually worry only about troublesome things at hand (I’m not a doomsday worrier). This situation, however, made me panic about something going wrong. I hadn’t prepared for the worst. Given that G Spot was always well, I had never anticipated him being unwell. I was gripped with fear. Thankfully, it ended well and he is going to live!

We have certainly experienced the ugliness of sickness. Together, we have now endured intense nausea, vomiting, wretching, heaving, bile bags that runneth over, burst cysts, infected ingrowns, boob rashes (seriously…) and runny noses. Aren’t we glam???!!! In health, no problem. In sickness, pass the barf bag – I’m in it for the long heave, I mean, haul!

The Story Of My Life

You’re riveted – I know. As passed on by blogger Carly Findlay (click on title for link to her blog), here is my meme (gotta love any request that has the word “me” in it twice!):

But wait – what’s a meme?
In the context of web logs / ‘blogs / blogging and other kinds of personal web sites it’s some kind of list of questions that you saw somewhere else and you decided to answer the questions. Then someone else sees them and does them and so on and so on.
~ This is according to The Daily Meme (they should know)

Here’s mine:

What experience most shaped you and how?
Being diagnosed with a chronic illness at the age of 10. I don’t discuss it on this blog, as it doesn’t have much to do with dating, mating and relationships, but it forced me to take responsibility for myself at a young age. I had to be more mature than my friends and it taught me the value of life. It shaped me more than anything I’ve ever experienced, and I’ve been around the block a few times…

What would you do with a whole day of no commitments?
Nothing. I crave doing nothing. There’s just always something…

What food and drink would you never give up?
food: chocolate
drink: champagne

Give me a savoury recipe that doesn’t include cheese
Just remember – you asked me!!! This recipe comes from The Barefoot Contessa and I’ve never met anyone who didn’t like it:
Roasted Asparagus
Snap bottoms off asparagus
Place spears on a baking sheet sprayed with Pam or such the like
Cover in good olive oil and sprinkle with coarse salt and freshly ground pepper
Bake in hot oven (425 F) for 20 – 25 mins
(you could finish it off with cheese, but trust me, it’s not necessary)

If you could travel anywhere, where would it be and why?
Fiji – it looks like paradise and I’d like to see if it actually is.

If you were the leader of your country, what would you do?
I would not increase taxes without increasing services.
I would stop taxing the savings of hard working people who are already paying income tax.
I would not charge land transfer tax on condos, which are built up. How is it possible to charge land transfer on a piece of sky? I would not be sh*tty like that.

If you could spend one day in another person’s body, whose would it be?
Is this a trick question? Come on… Obviously, I would be Ricky Gervais.

Which woman author do you admire and why?
Obviously, I admire Helen Fielding, who wrote the story of my life. I also admire Margaret Mitchell, a Pulitzer Prize winner, who wrote my favourite book, Gone With The Wind. I cried when I finished it. It was a perfectly detailed, thoroughly researched and totally gripping read. She was an incredibly talented author who died tragically before her time.

Passing the meme to:
The Uneasy Writer
Scandalous Housewife
Fin

Today's Funny

Golf on Wednesdays

Ellen and her husband Bob went for counseling after 25 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Ellen went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 25 years they had been married.

She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.

Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Ellen to stand, embraced her, unbuttoned her blouse and bra, put his hands on her breasts and massaged them thoroughly, while kissing her passionately as her husband Bob watched with a raised eyebrow!

Ellen shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down while basking in the glow of being highly aroused. The therapist turned to Bob and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week.. Can you do this?' Bob thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Fridays, but on Wednesday, I play golf.